Why you don't get published.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Face-Lift 44
Original Version
Dear Ms./Mr. _____,
SECOND CHANCE is a 95,000-word romantic suspense novel set on a small island off the New England coast. Think Romancing the Stone set on the water. [Joan Wilder: (voiceover) That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my houseboat, shot my dog, and stole my Bible.] Twin four-year-old girls are in jeopardy. [From what?]
Lainey Carmichael, a woman whose job it is to rate charities, consistently underrates her own considerable talents. When she realizes things have gone wrong for her orphaned twin nieces, however, Lainey will stop at nothing to rescue them. [From what?] [That "however" suggests that Lainey uses her underrated talents to rescue the girls; what are her "talents?"] Unfortunately, she seems overmatched by the girls’ legal guardians, celebrated philanthropists whose use of blackmail to raise funds puts the twins at risk.
She enlists the reluctant help of world-famous oceanographer Becket Fallon, the forty-something granddad of the twins with a flair for fast boats and secrets of the deep. [1. It reads like the twins have the flair. 2. Not sure what a flair for secrets of the deep is, but if he's a world-famous oceanographer, you probably don't have to tell us he has it. 3. Why is he reluctant to help rescue his grandchildren? 4. If the twins have a forty-something granddad and an aunt, why are these philanthropists her legal guardians? Are they related to her? 5. They're philanthropists, which by definition means they try to improve the welfare of mankind. And they've taken in the twins, when, apparently, Aunt Lainey wouldn't. Somehow blackmail doesn't fit. They're supposed to be the villains?] He is at a loss, however, when it comes to two little girls. This is the story of how Lainey and Becket overcome physical threats, legal obstacles, and their own inner demons to save the girls [From what? Oh, wait, Romancing the Stone . . . Crocodiles! Crocs in a pit!] [Ira: Look at those snappers, Ralph!] and find unlikely love. [Love? The twins' grandfather and the sister of their dead parent? Let's see, I hope Lainey isn't Becket's daughter or daughter-in-law. So she's the sister of his dead child's spouse. Or he's the uncle of her third cousin, twice removed. Still somewhat weird that he would put the moves on her.]
Second Chance is my second romantic suspense novel completed in the last year and a half. It finaled in the only contest (NEC/RWA) in which I have so-far competed. A member of RWA since 1999, I am on the board of RI Romance Writers, edit their newsletter, and belong to the New England Chapter of RWA. I was published in non-fiction (two textbooks) some years ago.
Thank you for taking the time to consider Second Chance. I will be happy to send a partial or complete manuscript at your request.
Sincerely,
Notes
It seems pointless to revise this without knowing what's happening with the twins. Are the ruthless philanthropists threatening to harm them? Have they been kidnaped? Are the people being blackmailed threatening them? How did they do on Jeopardy? And most of all, how is this in any way like Romancing the Stone?
I think instead of a charity rater, Lainey should be a crocodile hunter. When the ruthless philanthropists toss the twins into the croc pit, she can use her underrated talents to rescue them. Then Fallon drives them to safety in his speedboat. It's sounding more like Romancing the Stone every minute.
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10 comments:
Twin four-year-old girls are in jeopardy. [From what?]
Alex Trebek, of course. He and his wife are the philanthropists. You didn't figure this out from the query?
This query seems like an appropriate time to ask (in the abstract -- I don't have a query in the queue) whether Evil Editor would consider giving his query revision a second chance if the authors would provide the missing information in the comments thread.
Indefinite villain aside, I'd change most of the credentials paragraph.
Second Chance is my second romantic suspense novel completed in the last year and a half. Unless your first one was published, don't mention it; and speed-writing will make it look as if you don't take enough time to edit. Scrap this sentence completely.
It finaled in the only contest (NEC/RWA) in which I have so-far competed. You're mentioning that this is your only contest because you're proud of being one-for-one, but it can come across as laziness. ("Why only one?") Change to: Second Chance finaled in the NEC/RWA 2005 Most Similar to Romancing the Stone Contest. Or whatever.
A member of RWA since 1999, I am on the board of RI Romance Writers, edit their newsletter, and belong to the New England Chapter of RWA. Cool!
I was published in non-fiction (two textbooks) some years ago. Skirting the issue fools no one. Try: My non-fiction work appeared in two textbooks between 1930 and 1940. Or, you know...whenever.
EE, any comments?
-A, who may or may not know what she is doing
::blink blink:: Forty-something GRANDAD?!?!
He must have been kind of young when he had his first kids, who in turn must have been kind of young when they had their kids. I have a friend who's in exactly that situation, but her life isn't that of a romance novel. More like True Confessions.
If a writer takes the time to rework an unrevised query based on Evil Editor's comments, EE would be willing to offer some input on the improved version.
The suggestions from anonymous are good ones. I would point out that speed writing is not a bad thing. Agents and editors don't expect your first novel to be a bestseller; they often take on a promising writer for the long-term production/income they foresee. If you can churn out two or three saleable novels a year, your agent will be happy. Nonetheless, I'd scrap the first sentence. Regarding the second point, I wouldn't consider entering only one contest laziness; contests do cost money, and usually with no payoff to the winners. But there's no reason to declare it the only contest. As for the last point, if you are the sole author of two textbooks, you might name them, as it's a writing credential, even if not fiction. If you wrote a chapter or a few paragraphs, don't bother mentioning it.
I hope the twins are with the philanthropists because their parents set that up before they died.
Ya know, because the Aunt has such self-esteem issues and the Grandpa was always at sea.
But ick on the romance between Aunt Lainey and Grandpa Fallon. Even if they're only related by marriage, just ick!
EE, aren't you worried that you won't be able to outdo your own mockery of the query from the first time around?
(word verification: truie)
Evil Editor would skip the mockery; his comments would consist of "Yes, that's much better, you've absorbed the lesson well," or "Better, but it's still a bit rough around the edges," or "Did you even read the critique? It's worse now than it was to begin with.
I took your revised critique and sent it out to five agents. I didn't change anything except an exclamation mark.
We'll see if we get any results in the next few weeks (or months).
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