Saturday, December 15, 2007

New Beginning 420

Paul thrust the sword in deeper, straining to reach the center, most vulnerable point before the fumes knocked him out. The dragon roared and shook his head. Paul shoved the sword to the right and thrust again.

“Nope. That’s not it either, man.” The dragon snorted little puffs of smoke. “Try a little to the left.”

Paul sighed, swiping a grimy hand across his sweaty brow. He took a deep breath, then regretted it instantly. “You know this would be a lot easier if you would take a bath.”

The dragon rumbled laughter. Paul grabbed a nearby bright red scale and hung on as the dragon’s belly shook. Nothing like a laughter earthquake to make digging around under dragon scales even more challenging.

Paul moved the sword and thrust again. There was a loud pop. A noxious stench reached his nostrils. The dragon sighed and Paul fell off his precarious dragon belly perch leaving the sword wedged in the dragon’s back.

"Lame!" Paul shouted, and threw down the Xbox controller. He jumped over the wrapping paper and stormed into the kitchen.

"Mo-om! he whined. "Did Dad buy my present in Beijing again? I said I wanted Dragon Ball Z, not Dragon Boilz!"

Opening: Sarah L......Continuation: ril


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Continuations:

"Success!" Paul beamed, thrusting his fist into the side of his hip.

"No, sorry again..." The dragon chuckled, his body trembling and nearly sending Paul over his side. "That was lunch."


The dragon cut him off, "Pardon me, that was so rude, it was not me, it was my food."


"If you'd eat more fiber and less peanut butter, you wouldn't have this problem," Paul said. He wiped his sword-shaped trocar on his stained apron.

"Dragons are prone to flatulence. I just need to breath more fire. Release it from the other end, right?" The dragon began to laugh again, sending shock waves across the earth that threw the veterinarian to the ground.

I should have gone to dental school, Paul thought.


"Don't leave that there!" hissed the dragon.

"I'll get it in a minute. Those damned ticks stink when they pop."

"That's not my fault!"

Paul hauled himself up, using the grip for leverage. "There's a lake right over the hill. If you'd go swimming, the little buggers would drown."

"You know I'm hydrophobic!" pouted the dragon. "What if I drowned?"

"The lake isn't that deep. I promise I'll stay with you."

The dragon turned away, a great tear rolling from the brilliant red scales. "You're just saying that. You'd let me drown."

"No, I wouldn't. Come on. I kill all your ticks now. Why would I let you drown?"

The dragon sneezed, sending roiling
sheets of flame over Paul. For a moment the dragon looked at the charred remains, still smouldering on the ground.

Well, there were more where Paul came from. With a final smoky sniffle, the dragon set off for Disneyland.


When Paul woke, he was still lying beside the dragon.

This was the part that Peter Yarrow and Lenny Lipton didn't get into in Puff the Magic Dragon: his absolutely noxious farts.


"Lay off the plum fairies," yelled Paul. "I know they're delicious and crunch nicely, but your skin breaks out every time.

--Bill Highsmith

Evil Editor said...

Considering the dragon's sigh, I wouldn't be surprised to find the actual book goes in the same direction as the continuations.

If Paul is perched on the dragon's belly, how is he thrusting the sword into its back?

Assuming Paul is doing the dragon's bidding, it wouldn't take much to conceal that fact awhile and make it a surprise (I'm assuming this is the opening of the story). Removing the dragon's dialogue and laughter so it feels to the reader like it's being attacked might be worth considering.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Paul is a dragon lancer - he lances dragon boils.

I pictured the dragon sitting in a funny position for Paul to be standing on his belly. Will have to adjust that. Maybe a knee?

Xenith said...

I like this.

Although that last line is a little confusing, but that's easy to fix. You could make it:

"The dragon sighed and Paul fell off his precarious perch leaving the sword wedged in the dragon’s back."

Anonymous said...

I loved the chosen continuation.

I like the idea of the boy/youth/squire/childish knight and the dragon. I think it has something.

I never thought of boils on dragons until I read this bit. I have however though of dragon mange where scales start falling out on tails.

Perhaps a title ?

Isdoramus : Mythical Vet

I would like to see both characters flawed in some significant way however. I probably don't need to say that ever again, though.

I just think that larger than life characters - in this case the dragon - need something besides circumstance to overcome the stigma of the preconceived expectation. Deep flaws might do that ...

I've always loved a story from grade school where the knight comes to kill the dragon guarding the princess chained to a rock ...but the princess doesn't want to be free. The villagers all like their dragon ( keeps the bloody knights away ... I mean - they talk a good game but when it comes to being roasted in tin the blighters run away as fast as they can ..they do. Yep , we love Snarley. Haven't paid a penny in tax since he showed up and ate the manor lord.)

It had a whole S+M bondage bit overtone I didn't get until ..well ...fifth grade at least.

I am going to miss the spiky heeled shoes when they go out of style. Of course, we all know someone who will wear them forever.

writtenwyrdd said...

I'm sorry, that first line gave me a porn visual that sent me into fits of giggles. Maybe it's just me, but ...perhaps not?

Anyhow, the first paragraph doesn't do the job quite yet, imo. We have a dragon, but before that pertinent item is introduced in the second sentence, you have a sword sticking into something and then horrible fumes. I think this is a bit of cart before horse. Readers need a bit of anchoring into the scene with details that act like roots. THEN you get into the other stuff.

"swiping a grimy hand across a sweaty brow." lose one adjective. The use of both establishes an uncomfortable rythm.

"rumbled laughter" You might consider adding "with" so it doesn't call attention to itself. This is just unusual enough to draw attention to the writing instead of providing an immediate visual.

"a noxious stench reached his nostrils" Two things: 1) Noxious plus stench is overkill. A stench is a noxious odor by definition. 2) You already told us about terrible fumes, so pick one mention and delete the other one.

Overall, this is okay. Doesn't really grab me as I've read so many dragon slaying sorts of scenes already that this one doesn't particular stand out. Perhaps if you focus on why this is ususual and uniquely your own? Or perhaps consider beginning with something else?

Robin S. said...

Hi WW, I got the porn viusal as well. Wonder what that says about us?

And by the way, Sarah, thanks very much for the porn visual. It's for that reason that I really like your first line.

I don't know how I missed this when it was posted - but anyway...
I liked it. It made me smile. If you're still checking in here, Sarah, what's the target age range for the reader?

McKoala said...

I loved the idea of this and would read on for sure to see what was going on.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Hey Robin,

Age range? Well, that's a bit in flux at the moment. It's a love triangle between Paul, Mary and Peter. Paul loves Mary but thinks Mary loves Peter. Peter really has a crush on Paul.

A lot depends on exactly how I handle Paul - who is very metrosexual (think Felix Unger) - dealing with Peter's crush. I think upper middle grade - no explicit sexual activity. The characters are 15.

And with names like Peter, Paul and Mary - I have to throw in a ton of puns.

I'm at the point where Peter's crush is revealed.

Anonymous said...

I'm with WW and Robin--I can't BELIEVE the continuation wasn't filthier.