Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Guess the Plot
Eat, Drink and Be Married
1. Felicia Jordan's matchmaking service for plus-sized people has been hugely successful. But her clients are dying even faster than their doctors expected—and hunky Detective Logan Price, investigating the case, fears that Felicia will be next.
2. After one too many bar fights, an alcoholic lesbian slut falls in love, becomes a parent, and lives happily ever after.
3. After sampling the Faerie feast together, Willie Van Winkle wakes up before his brother Rip, and knocks up his daughter. Can he find the feast table and get back to sleep before Rip wakes up and makes them marry?
4. Sam met Myrna at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. When she showed up again at AA the following week, he found himself taking a second look. Will the stresses of dieting and going cold turkey be too much for the two lovebirds, or will the next twelve steps they take lead to the altar?
5. Patricia, single and her biological clock ticking like a suicide bomber's watch, begins to dabble in love potions. When she accidentally discovers the secret ingredient by spilling her potion into the pomegranate punch at the PTA's dinner-dance, hilarity ensues.
6. Feverish and lost in the Forest of Doom, Jack Harper is saved by a stranger. Little does he know that eating a half-rotten apple and drinking from a leaky bowl completes the local marriage ritual. One sip later, he is married to a being known as the Crazy Zombie Granny With A Bouncy Afro.
Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent Person,
What happens when a self-absorbed, self-destructive, young lesbian-about-town with a few addictions on the side inadvertently finds herself in the middle of a perfectly normal, healthy, and happy relationship? [Her fascinating, riveting story morphs into syrupy tripe?] "Eat, Drink and Be Married" is the story of living happily ever after when you weren't sure you were even going to live to be 30.
I recently read "I'm Too Sexy for My Volvo." Great book! It's full of laughable moments. [While "laughable" can mean what you want it to, it more commonly means "inviting ridicule." Definitely not what you want to say here.] Broken for You was also superb. Your appreciation for quirky new voices and true-life comedic-drama memoirs is clear, and you are exactly the kind of agent I am hoping to be represented by. [Don't forget to change the titles of the superb books you recently read when you send this to the other agents on your list.] [Better yet, talk about your book, instead of other authors'.]
"Eat, Drink and Be Married" is a 95,000 word completed memoir that details the hard work involved in not screwing up a good thing. The book is a chronicle of two women who have no business being in the same zip code, much less in love. But the power of the old adage "opposites attract" is alive and strong, [Changing "alive and well" to "alive and strong" doesn't make it less cliché; it makes it look like you got the cliché wrong.] and plays out with equal parts comedy and dramedy [If dramedy is a mix of drama and comedy, it would take a complex mathematical formula to prove a book is equal parts comedy and dramedy. Fortunately, we have Einstein's theory of general genretivity: G = dc2] as the protagonist goes from bar fights and setting the land-speed record for being a complete slut [Slut records are kept in the quantity department, not in speed.] to getting sober, falling in love and, eventually, becoming a parent. Luckily, she doesn't loose [Lose. Loose is what she was when she was a slut.] her edge, her anger, or her internal hysteria along the way.
There is a solid market for good memoirs with a defined niche [No need to tell the agent her business.] especially when they offer an irreverent and unique voice on the mundane aspects of real life, love, and survival. This book is ideal for an audience of female readers ages 25-50, both gay and straight, and, of course, for guys who think "lesbian" is code for Girl-on-Girl Action. [That's your "defined niche"? All women under 50 and most men?] [Presumably you're sending this query to agents who handle lesbian books. I find it hard to believe any such agents would want to hear that the book is ideal for guys who think "lesbian" is code for Girl-on-Girl Action. Guys interested in girl-on-girl action don't buy books; they subscribe to lesbian porn sites . . . . or, uh, so I've been told.]
I also have a platform to bring to the marketing table. I was a regular commentator for San Diego's UPDATE, Gay.com, and TechnoDyke.com from 1997 to 2002 and the co-author of the best-selling game LTrivia. [This sounds more like credits than a platform. Unless you explain how this will lead to big sales.]
I hope you enjoy the pages I have included. Please let me know if you would like to see the complete manuscript. Once again, I would love to work with you and hope you'll decide to represent my book.
All the best,
Do these characters have names? How do they meet? Do they get married, as the title suggests? Can you provide more than one sentence of plot detail? We want to know what happens, not just what the characters are like. Give us their names and tell us the story.
Is it an actual memoir, as opposed to fiction in the form of a memoir? Is there really a solid market for memoirs of unknowns? Because converting a memoir into a novel would be an interesting exercise, and could improve your chances.
Given that opposites supposedly attract, I'm not sure why radically different people would have no business in the same zip code.
Adjectives like "unique" and "ideal" are best left to publicists who describe your book on the back cover, usually without having read it. Authors should stick to the facts.