Monday, January 15, 2007

Face-Lift 261

Guess the Plot

Limorek Ironwood and the Sacred Crown

1. When Lim saw Jesus's thorny crown,
On a museum shelf he took it down.
He mistook it for grass,
Tried to smoke it, alas,
He burned the whole place to the ground.

2. King Ben felt his crown was too dim.
So he called in a young squire named Lim.
Then Lim and his team
Found a crown that did gleam.
Sir Lancelot had nothing on him.

3. A young man named Limorek Ironwood
Tried to roar just as loud as a lion could.
But the king of beasts roars,
While Lim sounded more
Like a porpoise or dolphin that's dying would.

4. Limorek was always impressed
With his dentist, who he thought was the best.
But when the oral surgeon
Sacrificed a virgin
Before Lim's root canal, he reassessed.

5. At Toadflax Magic School, London town,
It takes two years to earn cap and gown.
While his classmates took tests,
Lim embarked on a quest:
The seduction of sexy Ms. Crown.

6. "Ironwood," said she, "you're a prat.
To bed me, you must wear this 'hat.'"
"But it keeps falling off!"
"Ah," the damsel did scoff,
"Viagra will take care of that!"

Original Version

Dear :

What's an aspiring knight without a quest? Squire Limorek, [Limorek? Isn't that what happened to Princess Di?] between squirees at the moment, couldn't be happier when his king sends him to help find the Sacred Crown. That King Ben only wants the Crown for profit, and to prove to that meddlesome King Arthur that his knights are just as good as those upstarts Galahad and Lancelot, doesn't much phase 14-year-old Limorek. [Unusual for a king to confide his motives to a 14-year-old squire.] It's a real quest, after all! And quests themselves always seem to be magnets for other adventures.

Lim, though, is more than a mite miffed that he somehow winds up with a ragtag group of companions: The stubborn mule of a centaur constantly complaining about his age and grumbling about how magic is always the first to go. The timid princess with unrequited feelings for Lim who runs away from home to escape an abusive father. The young rebel maid, rescued from a dungeon, whose general brashness and idealism disarm the boy's good sense faster than he can say "infatuation." [It's like Lord of the Rings, but with some babes along.] And the young dragonling who, after a near-fatal misunderstanding in the forest between his mother and Limorek, joins the quest as a sort of "studies abroad" outing. [Somehow he ends up with this ragtag group? I assume they didn't emerge from a dimensional warp. Is it like Dorothy coming across the scarecrow and then the tin man, etc.?]

But what quest comes without peril? This one, this one, and this one.

Tracking the group are two relentless knights, sent by the princess' father to bring her back to court -- at any cost.

To put the jewel on the tiara, when the Sacred Crown is found, it isn't quite as advertised. [Too clever for your own good. Makes the reader think there's a jewel that needs to be put on the sacred crown, thus authenticating its . . . authenticity. Stick with the more mundane, To make matters worse, As fate would have it, Alas, To top it all off, To put the gravy on the cake . . . Occasionally a cliché is . . . just what the doctor ordered.] And the consequences of that discovery, of the princess' actions and of the rebel maid's earlier escape from her prison must all be faced before this quest can truly be counted done.

LIMOREK IRONWOOD AND THE SACRED CROWN, complete at 53,000 words, is the first in an older-middle-grade limited series that combines action, humor, fantasy and old-fashioned chivalry to tell the adventures of a young squire working his way toward knighthood in the days of King Arthur.

Thank you for considering LIMOREK IRONWOOD AND THE SACRED CROWN for review.

Kind regards,


This isn't bad, but it raises some questions you might briefly clear up. Did King Ben send Limorek out with some knights? Or by himself? If the former, why isn't he with them? If the latter, how will Lim finding the crown prove that Ben's knights are in a league with Arthur's?

In order to be a princess, as I understand it, you must be the daughter of the king/queen, or marry the son of the king/queen. Your princess--is she the daughter of King Ben, or the wife of the king's son? If the former, I assume you would have said so. If the latter, why is she living with her abusive father, rather than with the prince? Is she the daughter of some other king? If so, just how many kings are there, and what are they the kings of?


Dave Fragments said...

I have a few questions:
a) since the hero is 14 y/o, I assume any plots with viagra are out of the question.
b) if not, does the centaur become a horse or a mule when the magic entirely dissappears.
c) No fairies? What of Morgana Le Fay
d) It's not a dimensional warp, it's the forest where Wotan never goes thanks to the dragon guarding the gold.
e) Did you ever write a Star Trek Enterprise story?
f) Is this a vision quest?
g) The sacred crown is not as it seems? You mean there is a billboard advertising the Sacred Crown Royal. Ad agencies? (oh, sorry)...
h) "quests seem to be magnets for other adventures" - oh poo poo, you mean this is more than one book? A series? Can I run away screaming and yelling. (it's not that bad)

But on the serious side - If this is filled with Action, I think that my 11 y/o nephew would read it. He giggles all the way through Pratchet.

As for limericks -
There once was a young man named Slick...
...oh wait, this is a YA book, sorry!

Anonymous said...

Limericks? Ah, okay, EE--who's smokin' what here?

Anonymous said...

GTP #3 is the best limerick EVER!

kiss-me-at-the-gate said...

It sounded really cute to me. I probably would have read it at 9 or 10. I like how you turn some cliches on their heads -- the princess being the one in unrequited love, for example.

But uh... I'd change the MC's name. I know, it's easy to get wedded to names, but the very first thing I thought was "limerick" also. And now I can't get "limo wreck" out of my head either.

Anonymous said...

EE, my dear, is it such a slow day in the slush pile that you have time on your hands to compose limericks for your faithful minions?

Or are we getting a glimpse at your secret super power?

HawkOwl said...

Damn! I was all about it until it turned out to be YA. I like pastiche. I just like it my age.

But, that's just because I don't read YA. Much. I thought you rocked it. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I dunno... sort of, well.. blah blah blah. Could be funny, or tedious, based on the query's voice. If it's not funny, it will be insanely tiresome.

But mostly I ask myself, what's different about this except that it's a "King Ben" with an inferiority complex, and a different set of freaks dumped out on a pretty standard quest? Also, what's at stake for Limorek if he fails on the quest? What if he just gave the princess back to the knights and quit the quest? Couldn't he just become a squire again and get back on the slow track to knighthood? Maybe a squire for one of the relentless knights?

Anonymous said...

Just a note regardign EE's comment on the princess and how she'd have to be the daughter of a king - at least in Ireland until around the middle of the ninth century, the "kingdoms" were about the size of present-day counties, or at the most, provinces. It would have been possible to travel from one kingdom through three others to another in about two weeks on foot, I'd say. Don't know about England, though.

Blogless Troll said...

If this is a series character you may want to change his name to something more manageable. Even if you keep Limorek ('cause then you could use that Soundgarden tune as his theme song) I would change his last name to something with one or two syllables. Like Limorek Slade or Limorek Johnson. There's a reason it's not Indiana O’Shaughnessy.

Anonymous said...

I like the name Likmorek Johnson because I never write limericks about my johnson.

Wow, would a young boy have fun with that statement!

Anonymous said...

"doesn't much phase 14-year-old Limorek"

Faze, not phase. I just can't face it anymore...


Anonymous said...

You're right. GTP #3 is classic. I missed it on the first pass!