Wednesday, January 24, 2007
New Beginning 197
My real mom and dad died in a plane crash when I was six months old, and I was raised by a pack of Saturday morning cartoons. I guess if I’d listened to the Superfriends useful safety tips I wouldn’t be in this hospital bed, wondering if Kyle made it out of the bank too. But who listens to parents, right?
Stephanie the Pretty Nurse slipped into my room and closed the door. She stared at me for a moment, like she was trying to figure out something, then she rushed over and whispered in my ear. “Close your eyes and moan.”
Now, I may be pretty banged up, but I am fourteen. And things like that don’t happen to guys like me. I couldn’t stop my goofy grin. Stephanie squeezed my arm. “Do it.”
But the door opened again. This time it was the crabby nurse and a tall, skinny guy in a dark suit. “Good. You’re awake,” said Nurse Ogre. “This gentleman would like to ask you a few questions.”
Stephanie shot me an "I tried" look and hurried out.
The skinny guy sat down on the bed, opened his notebook and licked the end of a short, dirty pencil. "Okay, kid," he said. "What were you doing in the bank?"
What could I tell him? Kyle and I had planned a heist. Well, actually, Pinky and the Brain had planned it. Wile E. Coyote was the lookout and Roger Rabbit was in charge of the getaway car.
How were we to know to know Dick Tracy and Droopy would show up?
Opening: blogless_troll.....Continuation: Kate Thornton
Posted by Evil Editor at 3:44 PM
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Okay, now that is a fantastic beginning. I am dying to know more.
"(R)aised by a pack of Saturday morning cartoons" is awesome. So is pretty much everything else here.
"My real mom and dad died in a plane crash when I was six months old, and I was raised by a pack of Saturday morning cartoons."
One of the best opening sentences I seen on this blog.
I concur with whitemouse. This is great and I would read more. -V95
I love this, too. Good job, blogless troll!
I agree with the above -- "raised by a pack of Saturday morning cartoons" is priceless! :D
Good beginning, good continuation.
I've read this a half dozen times and it works as an opening. My only concern seems to be that it doesn't hit the youngsters voice, that maybe it sounds a little too old.
And that may just be me.
It does sound a little old for a 14 year old, but I like it. I'm curious and want to read more.
I don't think it sounds too old for a 14-yr-old. When I was ten, my dad had split, and Mom had to work full-time in a factory. On weekends, she could never find a babysitter, so I watched my 8- and 6-yr-old sibs. This included cooking for them (nothing fabulous, just boxed macaroni & cheese, frozen pizzas, etc.). So by seventeen, I was working nights after school to pay for my own apartment. Force self-sufficiency on young children, and they do mature quickly.
I'd definitely read more.
Just a guess - did you originally start with the second paragraph and tack the first one on later? Because there's a slight disconnect between the two that gives me the impression that your clever opening (which I really like, don't get me wrong) is mainly there for the sake of being clever. After it, Stephanie the Pretty Nurse looks like a non sequitur.
I think you could reduce this impression by adding a time connective, e.g. "This morning, Stephanie the Pretty Nurse..."
I hope what happens with the man who comes in has something to do with cartoons, the bank and Kyle. Otherwise I think it's too soon to mention them, good though they look.
By the way, you need an apostophe after "Superfriends".
I would happily read on. It's engaging and original and you get straight into the action.
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