Friday, January 05, 2007

New Beginning 180

Heh. I seen that look you give me. Hell, my age, I seen it a hundred times. You're thinking, "Old coot, what's he know?" Yeah, that's written all over your face. "Who's he to be making himself boss? Who put him in charge?"

Pass me them bullets, son.

I'll tell you who put me in charge--me, that's who. Good thing I did, too, or you four would be chewed-up lunchmeat on the sidewalk, and you know it. You find any gasoline for that chainsaw, girl? No? Well what good's a chainsaw gonna do you with no gasoline?

Hold this for a minute. I gotta hitch up my pants.

Thank you kindly, son. Appreciate you not trying any funny business with that gun. I reckon you got to learn to use 'em sooner or later, but now ain't the time to experiment, you know what I'm saying? Now, when we get outta this here drug store we'll suit you all up with a coupla rifles, maybe some propane torches.

My husband leaned into me and whispered, "When do you think he'll stop talking?"

"I don't know. I thought he was just going to give us a smiley-face sticker when I stopped."

"He's loading your purse with licorice jelly beans."

"Oh my god, there go his pants again. You know, I just wanted to look for a new shower curtain on the way home."

"I told you it wasn't safe to go to Walmart after Christmas."

Opening: acd.....Continuation: Pacatrue


Bernita said...

A question - not a criticism.
Assuming the story is set in the present day, and, assuming this was not deliberately PG, would any old coot refer to himself as an "old coot?"
Or as an "old fart/effer?"

Anonymous said...

LOL. The ending made me laugh. Gotta love Wal-Mart.

shaded-lily said...

Interesting beginning! I'd keep reading -- although I don't know if the old-coot narration would wear well throughout a whole book.

Anonymous said...

No need to vote for 2007. That is absolutely the greatest all-time continuation that has ever or will ever be written!!!!

...dave conifer

Marissa Doyle said...

Oh my ears and whiskers, that continuation was priceless.

HawkOwl said...

I thought the tone was trying way too hard. Other than that... Well, actually, I don't think I learned anything about the book except for the tone.

Good luck with it.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, strong call, Bernita. I went with "coot" because it sounded even older, like what he might have called old guys when he was a little kid. And I chose it over "codger" or "geezer" because it's one syllable, if that makes any sense. I do like "fart" as an alternative, though.

Theo: It's a short story, I hope it doesn't get old in three thousand words. I know that's a danger, so I'm trying to keep the action as up-tempo as possible.

Paca: Yay! I lol'd.

Word ver = kckyup. Why can't I make a joke out of that?

Anonymous said...

I like it. Knowing it is a short story I would certainly want to read it.

I don't really have a problem with old coot. But, it would be cool if you could come up with something original like old hagbanger (better than that, of course). -JTC

writtenwyrdd said...

I liked this opening, but I still think it came on too strong with the old coot's voice. I say that because the narrative doesn't give us much but the narrator's view of himself.

However, the bit about the chainsaw and holding the gun intrigued me, and I would have read further.

It sounds a bit like post-apocalyptic humor.

Anonymous said...

I just love it. My own personal continuation/guess is about a robbery or massacre in progress, southern style.

Favorite line: "Hold this for a minute. I gotta hitch up my pants." So funny.

Least favorite line: " know what I'm saying?" It jarred my ear, which was busy listening to that clear, scary, demented voice. This sounds too hiphop or urban nowadays. "You get me?" or something rings truer to me. Just my own taste.

Bon chance, good buddy.

GutterBall said...

I dunno why, but I'm seeing this as preparations for a last-ditch fight against a horde of brain-starved zombies.

McKoala said...

Strong tone, but not sure if I could keep reading it for too long. Might just be me.

batgirl said...

I liked both the opening and the continuation. The opening reminded me of Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide (wonderful book) and the follow-up was a beautiful twist. I'd read further on either. But that's me. I like zombie stories.
Hey, what did the vegan zombie say?


Ann (bunnygirl) said...

I don't think I would read a novel that opened like this. The voice, tense and POV would exhaust me. But a short story? You betcha I'd read on a bit and see where it's going.

And Paca, you seem to be in fine form these days!

HawkOwl said...


Buahaha! That's hilarious.

GutterBall said...

CABOOSE: Brian. I want Briiiaaaan.

TUCKER: *harsh whisper* It's brains, you idiot!

CABOOSE: Oops! Must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Mooooaaaninnnng!