Friday, January 05, 2007

Face-Lift 255

Guess the Plot

Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck

1. Donald Cox is the only restaurant inspector in a city of three million. But when an Icelandic restaurateur moves to town and a shocking theft from the City Aquarium takes place, Donald will need all the help he can get.

2. A gay talking duck enlists the aid of some roaches and frogs to gain revenge against the master of the Spanish fleet, who ate his lover.

3. The American electoral process is a brutal one. What kind of candidate has the tenacity to survive long enough even to contest the primaries? 'Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck' explores this and other timely topics in American politics.

4. Literary agents are an eclectic, unpredictable bunch. Who knows what makes them tick? Find out more about who they are and what they do in this examination of a representative cross-section of the industry.

5. The untold story of the O.J. verdict. This eye-opening documentary novel dispels all the urban legends and tells it like it is. The key to the not-guilty verdict: the diverse makeup of the jury.

6. Minions come and go, but there are an even dozen of them that have been there for us all along. In "Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck", read about the unique chemistry in this tight-knit group that led to the success of the EE website. Also, some bad query letters.

Original Version

Dear EE

Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs, and a Homosexual Duck is, of course, about pirates in the Caribbean. Captain Quiggly is your typical sot of a pirate with an eye patch, a three cornered hat, and a cat on his shoulder (he used to have a parrot but this thing ate it). He also has a very bad reputation, no money, a leaky ship, and an ugly girlfriend, so it’s no surprise that he cannot find a crew to take on the Spanish treasure fleet.

That is, until he turns to a new source, animals who can talk. So the cockroaches are in it for the money, the frogs (who are English) are in it for the adventure, and the homosexual duck who wants revenge on the Master of the Fleet, Baron Fredericko Consweala Dominicus Carlos Augustin Juan Gustavus Enrico Chavo (you get the idea) Evil Badguy d’ la Cliché, who ate Duck’s partner a’la Orange (the duck was roasted, that was his name). Quiggley is one of the few people to know animals can talk.

Quiggly doesn’t mind the greedy cockroaches and you can get used to the pip-pip enthusiasm of the frogs, but Quiggly hates homosexual ducks. This causes some tension as Quiggley and crew try to get the information of exactly where the treasure fleet will be and then to get their pirate vessel into place for the ambush.

The most serious problem is when Quiggley is captured by ferocious natives. They tie him up and are about to cut off his manhood when Duck comes in and offers his drakehood if the natives let Quiggly go. Surprised by this gesture – and a talking Duck – the natives agree. On the way back to the ship, Duck explains that drakes have two of those, and that one was always for his partner. Since a’la Orange is dead, Duck doesn’t need it any more. He says it’s no big deal but Quiggly thinks it is.

Finally they are in place, the creak ship opens sails and moves broadside against the power of the Galleons of the treasure fleet. The Spanish respond, readying their hundreds of heavy guns. Quiggly’s crew act, too. The cockroaches have bred and with a cry of, ‘Do it for mommy,’ they fly into the eyes and ears and down (and up) the pants of the Spanish sailors. The ships are hard to control when that happens. The frogs head off, hopping from cannon to cannon putting their disgusting clime all over the cannons’ wicks, making it impossible to fire them.

And then comes Duck. With cockroaches in their eyes and ears the Spanish sailors stagger blindly, often close to the rail. It is then that a fighting mad Duck slams into them and knocks them into the water. As he flies he screams for the Baron to face him. The Baron draws his sword, amazed the duck can talk. But the Duck will have none of it.

‘You ate my lover,’ he says. The Baron is amazed and wonders if the duck could talk why didn't he say anything? The Baron would be a vegetarian if he knew animals could talk. But it's too late for such things and the Baron is knocked overboard by a hurtling duck into the shark infested waters below.

Quiqgley looks down and muses that he didn’t know Duck could speak shark. Duck points out that the sharks speak duck, which is more logical when you think about it. Quiggly and his ugly girlfriend split the treasure with their partners, then they offer Duck a ride with them to England, where they can all settle because in England they know why the chicken crossed the road – to walk on the wild side, it was really a rooster.

At 90,000 words, Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck is a complete standalone novel, a dark, moody, pirate noír, parallel to the zombie noír you pioneered. I enclose a full synopsis. May I send you the full manuscript [That was the full manuscript.] or a partial?

My previous credits include several books including a novel and a novelization. I have also squashed cockroaches, thought frogs disgusting, and eaten duck. If you take on representation, could you get a large advance? I’ve hired Mel Gibson to play Quiggly, Cameron Diaz to be his ugly girlfriend, George Clooney as the homosexual duck named Duck, and Matt Damon and Liv Tyler to play all the cockroaches and these people want to be paid.



I gotta start reading the queries when they come in instead of waiting until it's time to write them up. By then I've received a bunch of Guess the Plots, and it wouldn't be fair to the Plotters to dump the whole thing.

Presumably the point of submitting a fake query is to entertain the minions, as you get no personal recognition. Except, the minions seem to be sufficiently entertained by the real queries, more so, I suspect, than they will be by this one. Or maybe it's to be able to say, Nyah, nyah, EE, you spent eight hours critiquing a query for a book that doesn't exist. Except, I didn't spend any time on the other fakes, 245 and 134, so it was unlikely I'd do so with this one.

A better idea would be to write an actual book in which a pirate crew consisting entirely of parrots attacks the Spanish Armada. The captain is a giant parrot with a hook, a pegleg, and a midget on his shoulder. Consider this your penance. Once you finish a few chapters, submit the opening, and when you finish the book, submit a real query. I think you'll find the process more rewarding than this.


Anonymous said...

EE, you are so SMRT - I mean, SMART. You sure know when someone is yanking your chain.

Ridiculous fake queries aside, I'm sure that writers will be sorely tempted to submit a query based on an idea, just to see whether the premise is worth pursuing.

I hope some of them turn into bestsellers, and your name is plastered all over the dedication.

p.s. That query wasn't mine - but of course, you know that...

Blogless Troll said...

Alright I know this was a fake query, but it's still nagging me. Was the duck gay from page one, or did it have something to do with that sacrificing half his drakehood business?

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

I think Paca should write an opening for this, since he seems to be on a roll lately.

Dave Fragments said...

This is really funny. It could be a screamer of a parody if it were real. Rememeber Orwell's Animal Farm or that satire CHICKEN RUN. Or even Hitchhikers. Maybe Duck Soup - Hail Freedonia...

The sad thing is, the trickster is probably writing a mundane novel about something serious and literary.

Well as Dark Helmet once said - "smokes, if you got em"

writtenwyrdd said...

This was so lame I don't think anyone could make it work. Boo on you, author. Let's see what you've really got.

Anonymous said...

OT, but if you want to read a hilarious pirate parody that actually, um, exists, I highly recommend the following:

Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists
by Gideon DeFoe


VW: Smenita - the cross-dressing first mate of the Blue Pearl...