Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2006 Guess the Plot Awards

There are too many Guess the Plots to do a subjective screening of individual ones, but here are 2006's winning sets:

5. The Gods of Lesser Things

1. Smerach, God of Paintchips, has lost the Holy Flame, and unless he gets it back by nightfall he will be stripped of his powers. Helping him are Ula, Goddess of The Random Bits of Plastic You Find in the Junk Drawer, and Farelious, God of Smut.

2. The old gods are no longer hot, so they try to hasten the end of the world. But they didn't count on Bruce, who has the ability to rewind time.

3. The gods of carpet stains, broken chalk, and hangnails have tormented mankind long enough. Bob resolves to destroy them all, before the Earth implodes.

4. Diarrhea and Eczema watched as Aphrodite floated down for another hot encounter with a mortal. Eczema was itching to get her hands on a mortal for some fun and games. "Gotta run," 'Rhea said.

5. Whhir, the god of eggbeaters, is trying to organize his fellow deities into the Amalgamated Brotherhood of the Gods of Lesser Things and strike for better burnt offerings and a new temple. But will Whhir's ex, the goddess of mostly healed wounds, allow it?

6. Moistmorn, god of dew, agrees to take Saturday off so Bob's new golf shoes won't get wet. In return, Bob agrees to spend eternity in Hades.

4. Commandment

1. Thou shalt not kill, so GABRIEL does everything but. Armed with stun guns and a rubber chicken, he goes to war against the Clown Cartel.

2. Doctor Death, the self-proclaimed lord of crime, finally meets his nemesis –The Deity. Will Death bow to The Deity’s commandment - “Thou shalt not kill!” -?

3. Detective Jane Simms stalks a ruthless serial killer who bashes prostitutes over the head with a stone tablet.

4. Satan does have a charming side, and Alice fell for it. Telling her parents about her new boyfriend will not be easy.

5. 4 faiths + 6 religious leaders = what else? Planetary war!

6. When “Thou Shalt Not Steal” is carved into a dead thief’s chest, Detective Moses Wilson must find the killer before nine more sinners die.

3. Second Growth

1. Lumberjack Cal Calson's deepest secret--the vestigial conjoined twin on his back--has come to life, and is trying to convert him to conservationism.

2. Vinca has a five-year-old. Hannah's brother died five years ago. Coincidence? Vinca's not talking, but Hannah will stop at nothing to learn if she's an aunt.

3. After Siamese twins Arvel and Harvel Twitman are separated, Arvel discovers a second growth where Harvel used to be. Can’t a guy get some privacy?

4. Jack Wharton discovers that the parasitic twin he'd had removed as a child is growing back. And it's mad.

5.The first spurt made Jim the tallest in eighth grade. The second growth sends him on a quest for his real parents, the last giants.

6. Dissatisfied with his offspring, a gardener grafts the son's head onto the daughter's body, with disturbing results that threaten the very nature of gender identity.

2. Loving Yourself with Food

1. When sex therapist Trisha Garvey found her clientelle...flagging, she took up the radio talk show circuit. Her topic lit up the airwaves - and the produce aisles of the supermarkets.

2. The author of Romancing the Frogs has a new self-help hit, inspired by the eating habits of Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.

3. Mike Daley and tech support phone rep Chi meet when Mike calls in to find out just what the DVD player manual means by "loving yourself with food." Will their language barrier keep them from true love?

4. This new how-to cookbook/romance tantalizes with such utilitarian dishes as Portnoy's liver, low-cal chocolate sauce and oiled cucumbers. Profusely Illustrated.

5. Three hundred-pound fashion designer Sumona travels the world to find the most exotic foods, brings them back to New York, and puts on the year’s biggest fashion show--one like you’ve never tasted.

6. Margot thought no one knew what she did with the Japanese eggplant - until the handsome young clerk at the market slipped a can of Redi-Whip and a banana squash into her bag.

1. Random Thoughts of a Teenage Axe Murderer

1. Should I chop up my boyfriend and eat his body parts? I hate writing my thoughts in this crappy journal. If I kill all my co-workers, maybe I'll get promoted out of my lousy entry-level job. I'm in love with my shrink; maybe I'll kill him with an axe. Or maybe I should have him over for dinner . . . as the main course!

2. She's cute. Math homework is so unfair. Got to beat my GTA3 high score. Wonder if the new Blindside album is out? Look at the boombah's on her. Die, Die, Die, you scum-sucking parasite. I hate mayonnaise.

3. Mmm, cookies. I wonder if I should ask Tina to the Winter Formal. Double-bladed looks cool, but a hachet is a lot more practical. Are there walnuts in these? If there are walnuts in these, someone is going to have to die. Would it look suspicious if I rented a woodchipper?

4. Will this fake I.D. work to get some beer? Can I get that cute girl in History to notice me? Will my skin clear up in time for the dance? Will my Dad loan me the car and an axe Friday night? Who you lookin' at?

5. I wonder if I was on the verge of getting my license before I chopped the driving instructor into tiny pieces. How do so many kids buy this Red Riding Hood story? I mean, if you can't tell your grandmother from a wolf, you need your eyes examined. Think I'll go hang out at the mall. Better bring my axe in case some cop gives me trouble.

6. So I hacked up a few people. Was that any reason to put me in here with all these crazies? Look at that guy, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. Where's an axe when I need one? Doesn't that TV get anything but Brady Bunch reruns? Wait a minute, is that an axe behind the glass in the fire extinguisher cabinet?

The actual plots were: 2, 5, 2, 2, 6

1 comment:

Dave Fragments said...

Speaking of plots:
"5. When Sid was Sid
Kyle Polo's best pitch man has just returned from his Swedish vacation--as a woman! Can they still land the lucrative, and deeply conservative, Churchworld account?"

I worked at a place where one of my coworkers left on Friday a man and returned the next Monday as a woman. She was spending her year as a woman before sexual reassignment surgery.

It was an adventure for all of us. She is now a very successful researcher.