The Zack Martinez Chronicles

As those who've been around here a long time (or have read the archives) know, amateur sleuth Miss Amelia Pettipants was once a frequent character in Guess the Plots. Miss Pettipants, created by Kate Thornton (who apparently doesn't visit us anymore), was so popular we spent a week compiling information about her for use in a writing exercise.

In recent months, homicide detective Zack Martinez (created by Khazar-khum) has made frequent GTP appearances. I suspect Miss Pettipants and Detective Martinez have each made dozens of blog appearances, but I've chosen ten of each for your enjoyment.


Ace Homicide Detective Zack Martinez

The letter pinned to the starlet's bikini said only "N." For Zack Martinez, homicide detective, this meant two things: those first thirteen murders were related, and he'd better stop off for take-home BBQ at Nairobi Bob's.

When the letters U and I turn up missing from alphabet soup cans at crime scenes, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's on the trail of a kleptomaniac serial killer who was traumatized by a childhood word guessing game; and he'd better remember to pick up his wife's Andy Warhol comforter from Hang's Dry Cleaning.

When heartthrob Justin Spears is killed on the set of his new movie "Drug Money", homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the stunt gun was replaced by a real .45, and he'd better get an original picture of Spears if he doesn't want his wife to shoot him.

When the partially eaten body of celebrity photographer Marc Austin is discovered in Griffith Park, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the cougars who stalked the handsome Austin aren't the type with fangs and claws; and he'd better not forget his son's birthday at the zoo on Wednesday.

Two AM. Dead husband. Pickles and curd rice on the counter. Half-melted peach ice cream in the bag. Homicide detective Zack Martinez has seen a lot of cases, but this one adds up to a pissed & pregnant wife. Or does it? Either way, he'd better get some rocky road on the way home, or his own pregnant wife will kill him.

When homicide Detective Zack Martinez is summoned to the Gem City, a huge wholesale jewelry building, he knows two things: he'll run into his ex-wife at her boutique, and he'd better bring his new wife some earrings.

When Carl Saperstein, owner of top 3-year-old Fortune's Fool, is shot dead outside his store in LA's Garment District, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: finding the perp is a long shot, and he'd better bring his new wife some of that silk dupioni.

When peace activist and actress Angelica is found at the bottom of her pool, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, the lawyer who helped her adopt her posse of adopted kids is somehow involved, and two, if he doesn't bring home an autographed picture of Angelica's hunky hubby Tad his new wife will put him at the bottom of the pool.

When the body of fashion guru Roberto Garibaldi is discovered in his plush Beverly Hills home, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: Garibaldi didn't sever his own carotid artery with pinking shears, and he'd better get his wife a new pair of scissors to replace the ones he wrecked gutting fish last weekend.

When the plush velvet curtains of the Pantages part to reveal the corpse of actress Dame Catherine Holt lying in a gory heap, LA homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's going to be pulling serious overtime, and he'd better get his new wife orchestra seating to "Wicked" to make up for this fiasco.






Miss Amelia Pettipants

When gardeners plow up what might be an old cemetery on the grounds of Catalpa Hall, Boring-0n-End's oldest building, amateur sleuth and all-around busybody, Amelia Pettipants, suspects the Illuminati are at it again.

When sexy spinster Amelia Pettipants goes undercover in a lingerie factory, she discovers a frightening plot to blow up the southbound Chunnel using explosives hidden in corset-boning. Can she prevent a rapid British population decline? Or will France be forced to digest the influx of British cuisine?

Village snoop Amelia Pettipants discovers the body of Lady Bulgrim stuffed into the red phone box at the end of the lane, a Eurorail Pass flattened across her nose. Both the village doctor and Miss Nasale, the French teacher, have disappeared. Will the busybody sleuth discover the murderer before the next train to Calais?

Becoming a demon master wasn't on the agenda for bridge night, but it's in the cards when intrepid Amelia Pettipants finds a gateway to Hell burgeoning in her basement. Will the bridge mix hold up to the heat?

Colonel Huffelrump's insatiable appetite for spicy curry has led to digestive problems, but it's his daughter, Lady Martita Gasbag, who is found in poisoned gastric distress. Before expiring, she leaves a cryptic clue. The air is thick with suspicion and it is up to nosy spinster Amelia Pettipants to sniff out the culprit.

Persnickety spinster Amelia Pettipants returns to Boring-on-End to discover her tiny cottage in a mess. Partridge, her char, has disappeared, leaving only a dirty mop bucket as a cryptic message. Can the busybody sleuth find her maid before the Vicar's visit? Or will dust and spotty teacups once again spell murder?

Vicar Cy Loutly in the the quaint village of Boring-on-End is justifiably proud of his collection of Staffordshire porcelain. But will pride go before a fall when spinster detective Amelia Pettipants discovers a priceless Staffordshire spaniel in the lifeless hands of the village barmaid, Rosie Bottoms?

In this latest book in the series, plucky spinster Amelia Pettipants leaves her charming village, Boring-on-End, and travels to Paris. But a devil with spray paint has been at work, vandalizing the Winged Victory of Samothrace. Can Amelia find the culprit before the tour guide herds them to the next desecration?

Nosy spinster detective Amelia Pettipants, on a cooking vacation in Spain, discovers it isn't all flamenco and flan. Rummaging through the pantry looking for boullion de pollo, she finds a Basque separatist's cache of bullion instead. And tomorrow they are making iced bombe!

A sour-tongued minion wearing a tan coat, some type of eyewear, a hood, a strange cap and a disturbingly pleasant smile is dragged from her home by Canadian mounties during a blizzard. Her crime? a stream of ascerbic, hostile blog replies. For the next 15-20 years she is forced to edit the complete set of Amelia Pettipants posts and comments -- a fate . . . Worse Than Death.


We'll be doing a writing exercise featuring Zack Martinez, but first we need to gather information so that our scenes don't contradict each other. So, anything you happen to know about the man, send as a comment. But first read the comments that have already come in so you don't contradict them. Don't submit more than three facts in any one-hour period. Note that the GTPs above indicate he lives in Los Angeles and is on at least his second wife.

New Beginning 674

What the fuck? That bastard just tried to kill me. This was the first thought that popped into my head when I regained consciousness. I pushed myself upright from the ground and wiped the dirt from my face. It was dark, and very hard to make out where I was. I could smell and feel the earth beneath me, I had to be outside. I looked up, but couldn’t see the stars, something was obscuring their light. It is night - isn’t it?

I wrung my hands together, trying to stop them from shaking, and felt the gritty batter-like consistency of mud. Oh Jesus, am I bleeding? I looked down to my hands, but couldn’t make out if it was sweat or blood that had mixed with the dirt. The ground wasn’t wet, that much I could ascertain even in the dark. I stood up, wobbling a little, like I was drunk. My clothes felt stiff and hollow, like they were frozen, and my body rattled around inside them as I stumbled through the dark. I patted myself down, like a guard checking a prisoner, making sure I wasn’t injured. Nothing hurt to the touch, thank God, but the unpleasant wetness seemed to be all over my body, and my clothes were beginning to chafe at my skin.

Remarkably, though, my feet were dry. Just as well, given the five mile hike to the nearest outpost of civilization.


J. Peterman hiking boots. $149.00. Because we all have those "What The Fuck?" moments.


Opening: Stacey.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 450

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Writing Exercise Results . . .

. . . are in the posts below. The task was to write a query letter focused on one (and only one) standard (or substandard) aspect of query letters, that aspect not being the book's plot.

Bad Query 15

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my novel, complete at 107,832 words, according to the word counter on Microsoft Word. However, I've checked it with two other online word counters, and they've given different values, of 108,011 words and 107,943 words.

I thought the inconsistency could be down to the way the different counters deal with hyphenated words - I have one character who stutters, saying things like "p-p-plastering", so that might be the problem. However, replacing that character's dialogue with complete words yielded different results: 107,534, 107,945 and 107,841.

Another character mutters, which I've rendered by running words into each other, like "notbloodylikely". Changing that character's dialogue to normal word spacing upped the word count to 109,307, 109,788 and 109,411. Changing the mutterer's dialogue and the stutterer's gave me word counts of 109,023, 109,624, and 109,307.

This gives a mean word count, across all four variations and three counters, of 108,630.5. However, I notice, we also have a modal word count of 109,307. Since this is within one standard deviation (805.9653115) of the mean value, I intend to accept this modal value as the definitive word count, subject to further statistical sampling.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

--Steve Wright

Bad Query 14

Dear Agent Of My Dreams,

My novel makes Henry Miller’s work look like a sexual wannabe out on a new angle hunt. Makes the Kama Sutra look like (and I do mean look like, since it’s, as you may know, a picture book and all) the very visual daydreams of a bunch of newbies with pretzely ideas about how to do, you know…IT. (Plus their outfits, or piece of outfits, anyway, are nothing short of highly overdone, whereas I prefer the pictures in my reader’s minds to go straight to the buck-naked point.) My novel makes D. H. Lawrence read like the underlying prude he undoubtedly was, and as for this genre called erotica that people are talking about now, I mean, COME ON, you’ve gotta be kidding, right? Have you read any of those? Most of the people writing that schlock read like the only sex they’ve ever really had was in their own beds, lights out, covers tucked up to their chins, and they were in bed all alone, know what I mean?

--Robin S.

Bad Query 13

Dear Agent:

Let's cut to the chase. I'm considered a good-looking guy. Very good looking. And if you know anything about publicity and the entertainment world, you know that looks is everything. Attractive people have an advantage in this world. How else do you explain the crowds who watch Anna Kournikova play tennis? Or that Keanu Reeves is a movie star? Why do the highest-paying modeling jobs always seem to go to good-looking people?

This phenomenon applies as well to the writing world. Good-looking authors draw bigger crowds at book signings. They get more invitations to speak at conventions. They have an angelic aura about them that makes people want to read their books. That's how it always has been and always will be. People love to bask in the beauty of beautiful people.

I remember one time I read a great review of a book and ordered it from Amazon.com. When it came I discovered that the back-cover flap had a photograph of the author, who looked, to put it kindly, like Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island. I couldn't read it. Just knowing that photograph was there soured it for me. If I'd picked it up in a bookstore I never would have bought it.

Think about the handsomest men you've ever seen. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Fabio... I make them all look like the Elephant Man. Women will buy my book, Crossing Broad, just so they can gaze at my photograph on the back cover. Men will buy it in hopes that some of my allure will rub off on them.

May I send some head-shots?

--Evil Editor

Bad Query 12

Dear Evil Editor,

Here is my novel Lions and Butterflies for you to publish. I'm sure you'll want to publish it because everyone who's read it agrees that it's strong, moving and literary with a hint of raciness and intrigue while being unafraid to tackle the major issues of the day such as cloning, genetic modification and graffiti.

Here are just some of the awesome comments I've received:

"It's wonderful, darling" (my mother).

"Yes, yes, OK, it's great" (my sister).

The leader of the East Sussex and North Worthing Critique Group, who has had poems published by Lulu, said "I have never read any book quite like yours."

My clarinet teacher said he would read it but he hasn't come back to me yet and he isn't returning my calls. I think he must be on holiday. The postman hasn't read it yet either although he keeps promising he will. They both said that they were very excited about reading it.

Let me know when I can expect my first advance.

Yours sincerely,

--Fairy Hedgehog (Miss)

Bad Query 11

Dear Evil Editor

Please consider representing my novel, The Choice to Change. You may wonder why this novel is set in a casino in Reno, rather than in one of the many worthwhile and often shiny casinos run by Native Americans, or even in Las Vegas or Atlantic City. There are so many potential settings for a casino novel that I vacillated for a long time before finally settling on Reno, which offers many advantages to the novelist, not least that it hasn't appeared in nearly so many films and tv shows as its competitors. If you ever watched CSI, you would know that it's got Las Vegas all over it, and who can compete with that? If I even tried to put my fictional Galloping Ghost Slots casino in Las Vegas, lots of readers might point out that there's no room for it. And while my mother always said that she was one-fifty-first Cherokee, I have reservations about whether that gives me sufficient insight into Native American culture to venture, even fictitiously, into one of their casinos. So Reno it is--insufficiently famous to trip me up and white enough for me to write about!

Thank you for your time and have a game of blackjack on me.

--BuffySquirrel

Bad Query 10

Dear Evil Editor,

Our novel, Murderer Among the Mourners, shows how much better my co-author and I are at crafting a suspenseful romance than any other authors within the genre. We know that our writing and craft is so spot-on, we would ultimately outsell Mary Higgins Clark, Jodi Picoult, Johanna Lindsey, Judith Krantz, and Catherine Coulter. This having been said, one could call our excellence at romance a Mary Picoult Krantz Coulter-Lindsey production.

My co-author and I have poured over many a great literary suspense and mystery-based story in order to write our novel. Because it involves someone who has died and the mystery behind his death, we have also read and researched about every book written by Agatha Christie, the greatest female mystery novelist of all time in our esteemed opinion. Also, in focusing on sleuthing female main characters, we used The China Bayles Mysteries by Susan Wittig Albert to further our deathly research. Believe you us; those mysteries are nowhere near as good as ours.

To research suspense, we watched all of Alfred Hitchcock’s films and documentaries on the greatness that he was. Our novel truly shows that we have transferred that on-screen suspense, for which Hitchcock is so well known, to the written word. What would be the better way to portray suspense to the viewer: as some outlying thing observed or within the mind or imagination?

No need to answer. Our query has done that for you. Be confident that we are much better.

Sincerely,

Authors Greatness and Perfection

--Xiexie

Bad Query 9

Dear Evil Editor,

What do the words exigent, flagrant, and pharisaic have in common?

They were all used to describe my 700,000-word suspense novel, "The Minotaur and the Ho."

In absolute veracity, Abe Wilson, the ex-collator from 1996, pointed out that "ho" was not permitted under the 1982 Chatauqua Convention, invalidating not only the title but the entire pivotal scene between Lenore and Walter. But Zenon Parks, the 1973 collator, countered that, since the novel’s setting clearly replicates the 1981 DairyWorld Scrabble Tournament in Milquetoast, Wisconsin, the title could stand as written.

Zenon further described the psychological tension of Walter's hesitation over playing "ho" or "he" as "a desperate man's tumescent conflict versus ennui and inertia," an opinion overwhelmingly endorsed by semi-finalists in the Greater Pittsville Jalopy Motors Regional Scrabble Championships. Mr. Jalopy himself offered to put up the first two printed copies of my novel as a prize for the couples winners in the Over-Sixty category of the Jalopy Championships in 2010, if it is published by then.

You wouldn't want to disappoint Mr. Jalopy or deprive the Over-Sixty Couples Champions of this insightful psychological drama, so I'm sure you'll be delighted when I tell you I have already shipped the full manuscript (COD Express) to your office. The Pittsville Fed-Ex deliveryperson is a charter member of the Greater Pittsville Regional Scrabble Club, and assures me that it won't cost more than a few hundred dollars for this unique opportunity.

Yours most sincerely,

Walter J. Sackwash, widower

--Jeb

Bad Query 8

Dear Mr. Editor,

The title of my novel, Forced Air, is two words long; the same applies to my name and my protagonist’s, as neither of us, oddly enough, have middle names. My nom de plume, in the other hand, contains 8 words and 43 characters. I trust you will agree that I have made every word of my novel count, from my dedication (183 words) to my epilogue (3287 words). The novel itself is proportioned thus:

Introduction: 3

Prologue: 287

Description of Rob Hoover and other characters: 6921

Dramatic foreshadowing: 53, or 7821 if Rob’s speculation on time portals counts

Characters mocking Rob for not being flatulent: 12,381, 32 three quarter-words, 451 half-words, and 3 one third-words (I have a character who interrupts a lot and generates great hilarity) (for an exact calculation to the 8th decimal of where each word was interrupted, see Appendix A for this query letter)

Rob bemoaning his sad, windless state: 8940

Rob’s journey through time until meeting Columbus: 1

Rob and Columbus’s lessons on cutting the cheese, literally: 3122, 581 repeats (Christopher Columbus stutters) (see Appendix B for a complete breakdown of these words)

Rob and Columbus’s lessons on cutting the cheese, figuratively: 4819, 784 repeats (ditto and ditto)

Rob’s triumphant return: 83,256

Appendix A, various versions of “The Musical Fruit:” 5643

Appendix B, a medical description of flatulence: 438

Appendix C, illustrations: 56


This query letter was 240 words long.

Sincerely,

--_*Rachel*_

Bad Query 7

Dear Wonderful Agent Man:

I'm enclosing the query for my children fiction fictional novel, "The Sunshine Kids Make Money."

As a child in Santa Monica, Ca, I often saw people at the beach. I longed to help them but with my working at my parents' T shirt business I was forced to watch while they wrinkled and shriveled, and while the beach patrons sizzled in the sun.

I currently work at the Children's Library as an unpaid aide. I wrote my story while in the library. You can see it at my website, where it links to my blog where I tweet during the night. I have permitted many of the local children to read it, and they love it as it speaks to their current lifeways. My manager and coworkers all love it too. They say I will be the next Judy Blume.

Sincerely,

Ms Moonwymyn

--Khazar-khum

Bad Query 6

Dear Evil Editor:

I am seeking representation for my 234,987 word fictional first novel. I am a housewife and mother who prefers longer books, and I find that books longer than 230,000 words are just about right. Anything shorter than 100000 words seems to be missing some meat to the story while anything over 250000 is a lot to work with. But 230000 is as perfect a length ad you can find.

I reached the exact word count by using my Word Processor software's Properties tags for each chapter. Then when I finished I bundled all the chapters together in a single file (ha ha) and ran Properties again. It gave me the precise figure of 234, 987 which is the word count of my novel that I am submitting to you.

Thank You

--Khazar-khum

Bad Query 5

My critique group loves FIREHOUSE.

Tony calls it stunning; a work of monumental beauty revealing the fragility of love inside lonely brick firehouses. Gerald, who sees auras, thinks that I've tinged my romances with an olive aura of despair and lonelytude and turned it into an alien-shrimp weapon for political reasons. Itsa. Rage. Rage against. That is Gerald's bigtime compliment. Billy Samms thinks FIREHOUSE deserves the Pulitzer.

Betsy had a vision about FIREHOUSE. She doesn't explain her visions, not since the abduction. Except when she gets high and giggles and details the dozen aspects of alien bodily violations and her concerns that Paula Abdul is a communist.

The only thing Ronnie Jeremy Junior our ginger boy hates is the name. Hates it and thinks the title should be changed to Red Rod Rising. Polly, who sometimes can't understand multi-syllabic words, says it sounds like that O'Reilly book--A Steaming Puddle of Hot Fresh Man-Juice and My Dung Heap. To tell the truth, I think Polly was touched by the fever as a child and nips the Muscatel. Manuel Grippe, a squid, distributed Valium to calm down Ronnie and Polly. Drugs redefin the novel's aura real good.

Shelly my wife, says FIREHOUSE reads like "Hey Baby, I got my big fire hose and I’m goin' to do ya right, just like those aliens did to Betsy's body," and she says that with a smile. We argued all last week; good book, bad title. We all love a great story. You all will love it too. It speaks eloquently of love; lost, gained and unrequited.

--Dave F.

Bad Query 4

Dear Evil Editor,

I am looking for representation for my novel Prophecy's Birth. I'm not completely wedded to the title, Prophecy's Birth, especially since I've seen other novels with similar titles and I wouldn't want anyone to be confused. On the other hand, if someone were looking for one of those other novels, they might find mine instead and like it better.

The title Prophecy's Birth doesn't exactly fit the plot, but it should appeal to people who are looking for a book with that kind of title. I mean, I suppose I could change it if I had to, but just by looking at it you know the type of book it is. Isn't that what a title is supposed to do? Besides, it took me weeks to come up with the title Prophecy's Birth. I wrote down pages and pages of other titles and this was the best (I took a vote).

You might be worried that the title sounds too religious or too creative. What you should really think about is the many other related titles that would obviously belong with this one. Also, depending on the font, the title Prophecy's Birth could easily fit in any section of the bookstore.

May I send you the manuscript for Prophecy's Birth (or my concept art for the title)?

Faceless Minion

P.S. Don't you think Prophecy's Birth is a fantastic title?

P.P.S. I hope I don't have to change it.

--Faceless Minion

Bad Query 3

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

I have spent five years writing a novel but spent a lifetime preparing for it.

I am a Dartmouth graduate with a B.A. in Electrical Engineering with a Robotics emphasis. As you are undoubtedly aware, Dartmouth is renowned for its scholars. To name only a few: Chris Miller, writer for National Lampoon and co-writer of Animal House; Jean Passanante, Head Writer for As the World Turns and recipient of Writer Guilds of America Award in 2007; David Benioff, screenwriter Troy, Stephen Geller, screenwriter Slaughterhouse-Five, and Fred Rogers, creator of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, (he dropped out before graduating, however). Although, Dartmouth has many other famous graduates, I only named the few you would be familiar with.

I am unsure how many students at Dartmouth are the offspring of the rich and famous, I assure you that I am not one of them, having acquired a huge debt, (approximately $50,000 per quarter). I am, therefore, ‘in touch’ with your readership even though I graduated from an IVY LEAGUE UNIVERSITY.

Founded in 1767 and located in the New Hampshire, Dartmouth has a flexible, unique calendar, (a quarter system), which gave me time to write and thoroughly edit my novel, while other students, (60%), used this flexibility to study abroad.

Please let me know when you are available to read my manuscript.

Author W. Annabe

--Vivian Whetham

Bad Query 2

Dear Evil Editor,

I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.

I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.

I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.

I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.

Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.

--Rick Daley

Bad Query 1

Dear Evil Editar

I know you're not a real editar but I thought I'd give you a try.

I am seeking represetation for my 90000 word epic fantasy (roamnce).

As my theme I have chosen a haunted bus ride so you can guess the kind of whacky things that go on within it! There's ghosts, wong turnings and everything — even a back wheels overhanging a cliff scene (featuring Amy, my main character and girlfriend of three years).

I chose the the theme of a bus ride because my Grandpa used to drive one of those in his early youth days before he started becoming a salesman. He had a dark pointy waxed mid-black moustache and used to wear the kind of dungarees they had in the Waltons, only smarter and never with checks only stripes or plain. Everybody loved him, especially the kids, for he used to wistle songs from the movies whilst he drove between stops and sometimes at the stops if there was a cripple. I got the idea for the ghost part when he died last winter after a long illness that robbed him of his speech and his dog died too, just before. So the driver in my haunted bus is my Grandpa, which I know will be totally original.

I play drums in a band called The Creeps but other than that I am undiscovered although I did commit a minor minor felony when I was 8 nothing serious.

Get back to me before I’m snaped up!!!

--Whirlochre

Saturday Film Series

Writing Exercise

Bad Queries

Step 1. Use this random number generator to get one integer between 1 and 660.

Step 2. Search the blog for the Face-Lift with that number.

Step 3. Choose one of the fake plots.

Step 4. Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all. Obviously you won't be bringing up the plot at all, but you also won't be mentioning--at all--anything other than the ONE area you choose to focus on. If you are having trouble thinking of a possible area, Face-Lift 660 listed several in the notes at the end. Queries that aren't limited to one area will be returned unopened.

Deadline Sunday, 10 AM. 250 words max.

Success Story

Kiersten reports that she has just gotten a three-book deal with HarperTeen, for her novel Paranormalcy. No idea if we ever saw the opening, but Kiersten credits our assistance with her query for Flash with getting her the agent who made the deal.

Face-Lift 664

Guess the Plot

The Black Douglas

1. Genealogist Hamish McBride discovers that the legitimate heir to one of Scotland's clan chieftainships was included in the ill-fated Darien Scheme to colonize America in 1684. And he finds a direct lineal descendant, now living in Jamaica. But are the conservative Scottish clans ready for . . . The Black Douglas?

2. When Edgar Beaucoup buys the black-on-black, he's sure his millions were well invested -- until Taciturn Winters announces she created the hideous fake to protest greed and corruption in the art world. Edgar knows he should help put her away . . . but it's love at first sight.

3. In this sequel to the movie Braveheart, Scottish teenager James Douglas takes up the fight against the English after Mel Gibson's death. Unfortunately Douglas fails to grasp the fact that wars are usually won by the side that has weapons.

4. This volume of the color-coded memoirs of Douglas Figstiffle covers his Black period, in which he adopted a "Puritan" style complete with black clothes, black hair dye, black furniture, etc, and matched it with such relentless gloom & doom & talk of Hellfire and damnation, the Taliban mistook him for one of their own.

5. Minnie Wax last solved the case of the Green Douglas, in which she unmasked the notorious dog-napper of Detroit. Now a burlesque dancer's cat has gone missing in Las Vegas, and, astonishingly, Minnie's top three suspects are, again, all named 'Douglas'.

6. The Black Douglas is your typical pirate ship - except, of course, for its all-female crew. Can Katherine "Ugly Kitty" Duglan hold this unruly band together long enough to take revenge on the British officer who killed her father, framed her brother, and possibly stole her parrot?



Original Version

Eighteen-year-old James Douglas is forced to watch as the Scottish freedom-fighter, William Wallace, is hanged, drawn, and quartered, his still-beating heart cut out. With his country under the heel of a brutal English tyrant, James takes up the battle for freedom. His only weapon is ruthless cunning. In ambush and terror, he carries the fight to the English [Ambushing soldiers may catch them by surprise, but . . .

James Douglas: We'll hide behind these rocks. When the English army comes through the pass we'll spring out unexpectedly.

2nd in command: But sir, the English have crossbows and swords and we have no weapons.

James Douglas: Wrong. We have ruthless cunning.]

and counts it worth the cost, even if that cost is sharing Wallace's fate. The only thing he truly fears is that he may have become as merciless as the conqueror he hates. [How merciless can you be when your only weapon is cunning? Even if you trick the enemy into entering your trap, you need some rope or a lead pipe or a candlestick to hold off their swords. Give them some weapons.]

THE BLACK DOUGLAS is a 100,000 word historical novel which takes up where the movie Braveheart leaves off.

I am the author of A WARRIOR'S DUTY published by Swimming Kangaroo Books, and my flash story Guardian Demon appeared in the Editor Unleashed/Smashword Flash 40 Anthology. I also have a BA in English with a minor in history.

Upon your request, I am prepared to send a partial or the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.


Notes

You need to tell us what happens in your book. All we know is your main character's name and that he fought against the English after Wallace died. You don't even make it clear that Douglas isn't a fictional character. His write-up in Wikipedia shows him to be as compelling a character as William Wallace. Your query should declare that your novel is based on the exploits of James Douglas, who successfully . . . whatever. Then relate some of the crucial events in your novel.

The Wikipedia article indicates that James was sent to Paris for safety early in the Wars for Scottish Independence, and that he returned to Scotland in 1306. As William Wallace was executed in 1305, James wouldn't have been there to watch the execution. Did he make a quick trip over and back? Or is there an error? The fictional parts of historical fiction should be the parts no one can check up on. The facts you need to get right, because your readers will take you to task otherwise.

Cartoon 449

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 673

Ann could have driven home from the tennis club another way. She could have taken the tree-lined boulevard through her stately neighborhood in the suburbs. Instead she detoured four miles past No Limits. She had driven by it many times and wondered what it was like inside. The building stood fifty yards behind a high wrought iron fence and heavy gate. Far enough that details couldn’t be seen from the moving traffic, yet close enough she could see the impressive entrance and the walkway from secluded parking.

It was a sex club, and she wondered what happened there and what type of people went. Were any like her, respectable yet curious? Or were they vulgar and depraved? In an instant she was past it, and the huge iron gate that blocked passage disappeared. What did the gate represent? A barrier not to be crossed, or protection for the most private public acts?

Ann traveled five miles and looked to her left. There behind stately bushes six feet tall was a mansion built 100 years before. It was two stories tall and had a wooden door, Ann was sure was oak, with a brass knocker. She wondered what the residents were having for dinner. Was it ordinary meatloaf and mashed potatoes, like she was going to fix for dinner that night, or delivered pizza? Did they employ a cook that made exotic, yet nutritional meals? Did they eat in front of the television or at an oaken dining table from the 15th Century?

Ann took a right and then a left, another right and another mile. She could have been home half an hour ago. There in front of her was an all-girls school, set back from the street with an ordinary fence surrounding it. She wondered if it was there to keep the girls from running away or to keep murderers out. She wondered about the girls. Did they wear uniforms or their own clothes? Did they get enough to eat? Were they like her children, rowdy at times, but polite and quiet most of the time?

She turned left, then right; now she was in front of a lawyer's office. Was the lawyer like the one in To Kill a Mockingbird, moral like her? Destined to take hopeless cases, like her? Was he having an affair like she was?

Opening: Wes.....Continuation: Vivian Whetham

Cartoon 448

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 663

Guess the Plot

Futurality

1. It's 2079, and the English language has been taken over by a band of rogue suffixes. Armed only with a bootlegged copy of Strunk & White, 5th grade Language Arts teacher Henrietta Fowler must go back in time to the early 20th century and kill Warren G. Harding, the man who coined the word "normalcy" and started it all.

2. As Rasbaum's new illustrated dictionary unfurls, he invents new words, based on novel combinations of Latin and whimsy -- but his crush, Georgette the editor, is not amused.

3. First "Pastitude", then "Presentocity" ... now, at last, the amazeriffic conclusion to the "Silly Neologisms" trilogy!

4. This uniquing referencely book will teachicize and instructify all studentites in the artisticism of constructivizing originalized vocabularity from suffixions applicationed not quite correctfully.

5. Zavier Williams discovers that the hot new video game called Futurality is actually a mind-control weapon developed by the government to help an alien race take over the world. Can Zavier and his cab-driver girlfriend save humanity?

6. Sent to explore the 22nd century, experts in medicine, military strategy, and international finance find a world dominated by crocodiles, rodents, and giant beetles. The "trade" mission quickly becomes a desperate search to find out what went wrong -- before it's too late to change.

7. Frank River is the host of "Futurality", a game show where people try to predict fashion trends. But he has a secret identity: he's really Francisco Rivera, the Mexican wrestler known as "El Lobo". Will he be unmasked?

8. In 20 B.C., flying cars, moon colonies and time travel tours are all the rage. When Dylan Sten tries to fix his bad credit with investment funds in the past, he finds that even though the present can't be altered it can be pushed forward.


Original Version

Ms. XXXX,

My novel, Futurality, is a YA science fiction novel of 82,104 words. The protagonist, Zavier Williams, is a sarcastic orphan who has survived for years by hacking and stealing enough to make rent on a tiny apartment in the Philadelphia Underground District. The District is a housing development for people too poor to buy air purifiers and live aboveground. [Hard to believe unpurified air underground is better than unpurified air above ground. Where does the underground air come from?] Despite his expertise in hacking, Zavier bites off more than he can chew when he steals the code for a new videogame called Futurality, and tries to sell the game on the black market – his buyer turns out to be an NSA agent with orders to arrest him. To get away he jumps from a building [A building on the surface? So his home is underground because the surface air is too dangerous to breathe, but he does his hacking aboveground?] and is unexpectedly rescued by Jayde, a beautiful black hovercab driver and former pilot.

The two of them escape, and soon learn that Futurality is no game; it is a government developed mind control weapon with mysterious extraterrestrial origins. Zavier and Jayde are forced to go on a planet-hopping adventure [Can anybody book a planet-hopping adventure?] to stop Futurality from being unleashed, and to prevent the invasion of an alien race called Seekers. [I don't see why preventing a video game from being unleashed on Earth requires an exploration of Uranus.] As the two unlikely heroes learn more about Futurality and its creators, Zavier discovers a latent link between himself and the code – a hidden psychic power that allow him to see and touch emotion. His mastery of this power, as well his resourcefulness, and love for Jayde will determine his unexpected destiny as the boy who holds the humanity’s fate in the palm of his hand.

The style and subject matter of Futurality make it marketable to young adults. The plot can be thought of as a combination of Star Wars and Snow Crash. [Other possible combinations would be High Noon and Ender's Game or Spartacus and The Da Vinci Code.] The protagonist’s age of eighteen, and his circumstance of being on his own will appeal to high schoolers, and be familiar to young adults. [His occupation of criminal hacker will appeal to the ever-growing identity thief demographic.] The emphasis on video games in the story will draw in young adult and middle grade videogamers, which is a large demographic. [Unless you're writing to someone who has no idea what she's doing, there's no need to explain to whom your YA science fiction book will appeal.]

I have had two articles published in The Sun, a newspaper of Moorestown, New Jersey. I am currently a junior at the University of the Arts. My major is Communication with concentrations in professional writing and screenwriting.

If you are interested, I have a complete manuscript and a six-page synopsis of Futurality you can receive by email or find in PDF form at my website, ___________ (this is a self promotion website, and is used in no way for self-publication).

Thank-you for your time and consideration,


Notes

Is it just a coincidence that the one person who has this latent link with the game's code is the one person who happened to steal the code?

I don't see the usefulness of seeing and touching emotions. I wouldn't want to think that the key to defeating an alien invasion is the ability to see emotions, and Zavier, who has never had this ability, suddenly develops it.

Maybe it's just me, but I would find it more intriguing if the brilliant kid managed to thwart an alien takeover with just his resourcefulness. When he starts planet hopping and turns out to be the chosen one with fantastical abilities, I start to lose interest. It's like when Superman defeats his enemies and I think, well, yeah, if I had super strangth and x-ray vision and heat vision and telescopic vision and super speed and invulnerability and could fly, I could defeat criminals too. In fact, considering how powerful Superman is, it's embarrassing how long it takes him to defeat most of his enemies. If I were Superman, my comic book adventures would be over on page 1.

I'd leave out the sentence about the air purifiers. In fact, I'd leave out the planet hopping and the emotion touching. We don't need to know Zavier has super powers and the means to go to other planets, just that Jayde and Zavier use their ingenuity to thwart the conspiracy.

What talents does Jayde have that are useful in saving humanity? Why does she help Zavier escape?

Nothing after the plot paragraphs is going to improve your chances of getting a request for the manuscript.

Cartoon 447

Caption: Evil Editor

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New Beginning 672

Today, given her current circumstances, the point where Murphy Road met Highway 90 felt like the intersection between heaven and hell.

Honk! Honk!! The car behind her screamed encouragement, urging her to react to the green traffic light ahead. She squirmed in her seat but kept her foot firmly on the brake. The impatient driver swerved into the right lane, and drove past, his middle finger in the air.

Finally she heard what she was waiting for, still a distant rumble. Shifting her foot to the accelerator, she drove onto the tracks.

The train’s rumble became a growl.

She clutched the steering wheel and squeezed her eyes shut.

The growl became a loud roar. The smell of diesel filled the air.

She felt, rather than saw the train barrel down on her. Trembling, she howled; a loud pitiful sound that perfectly mirrored the state of her heart.



On the sidewalk of the intersection between heaven and hell, the two men who’d been watching these events unfold winced at the sound of crunching metal.

The man with the long white beard and flowing robes sighed. “You bastard. You got me again.” He dug into his pocket and produced a twenty dollar bill, which he slapped into the open palm of the other man, who was wearing a red suit and smoking. “I thought for sure that white dove perched on her windowsill this morning would get her attention.”

“Nah. Too subtle. Never underestimate the power of pitiful howling despair.”

“I guess.”

“Like candy from a baby,” said the man in red as the woman’s car exploded. The orange fireball reflected off his dark sunglasses.

“So. Who’s next?”

The man in red consulted a piece of paper. “Singleton. Richard A.” He pointed toward the wreckage. “That’s him.”

“Guy saving the engineer?”

“Yep. Double or nothing his newfound hero status goes to his head and he cheats on his wife by week’s end.”

“You’re on.”


Opening: Wande.....Continuation: Blogless_Troll

Cartoon 446

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 662

Guess the Plot

The Resurrection

1. Murdered by aliens they ruled over ruthlessly, Captain Sabine and the Emperor have come back to life! It's revenge time, but can two zombies wipe out the entire alien fleet?

2. Joe Bob, necromancer, runs a small business selling undead slaves. When one of his subjects comes back to life instead of un-life, he needs to find the non-corpse to prove he's not responsible before zealots, grieving families and a pantheon of demigods turn him into one of his usual subjects.

3. You will need:
- shovel
- car battery
- jump leads
- copy of Necronomicon
- air freshener (optional)

4. As the Siberian mystery deepens, Tabasco Jones prepares for her meeting with Bleu Flambei, the internationally renowned graffiti artist and superspy. They deciphered the Weatherman Code too late to save New Orleans, but the latest message says Vladavostok will be destroyed with heat rays on Tuesday.

5. When Roger discovers the powers of Viagra, his wife of 32 years says no way and files for divorce. Single again, Roger goes wild and the rest of the story -- is porn.

6. When Lenny the Cockroach is found six legs up, the Band of Merry Dust Mites goes into mourning. Their god is dead. But three days later, Lenny is up and running about. Was he faking it, or did these dust mites witness . . . The Resurrection?



Original Version

Dear Agent,

I see that you’ve represented John Miller (FATE OF THE JEDI) and Troy Denning (LOST TRIBE OF THE SITH), whose books fall into the same category as THE RESURRECTION. [My research indicates that John Jackson Miller is the author of some short stories in a series called Lost Tribe of the Sith and that Troy Denning is the author of a book called Abyss, which is one book in a series called Fate of the Jedi. So unless these guys both write for both series, you've mixed them up. Also, these are Star Wars fiction. There's no indication below that yours is a Star Wars novel, and if it isn't, to say that it falls into the same category is going to misrepresent it, at least to this particular agent. If it is set in the Star Wars world, say so.] I would love for my debut 150,000-word science fiction novel to be taken on by an agent of your stature. [And to say a 150,000-word novel falls into the same category as a short story is a stretch.]

Ambitious twenty-year-old Captain Sabine is a human resurrection with a big chore left over from her past life: she has to convince the other resurrection—her emperor—to stop [eating people's brains and to stop] seeking revenge against the aliens they ruled ruthlessly and were murdered by in their past life. [How can convincing the emperor to stop seeking revenge on the aliens be a chore left over from her past life? In her past life she wasn't doing this chore, so it's new to her current life.] But when she has the cabal plotting his assassination wrapped around her finger, [The emperor's assassination? How long has he been alive again? One day you're dead, the next day you're alive again, only to discover there's already a cabal plotting your assassination?

I'm forming a cabal to assassinate the emperor. You in?

I thought the emperor was dead.

He was, but he came back to life.

What's the point of assassinating him if he can come back to life?

Hmm. I'll get back to you on that. Any other questions?

Yeah. What's a cabal?]

and the weapon to crush the alien fleet at her disposal, she finds herself thinking that revenge might be a good idea after all—right alongside flying solo. [That's the whole plot? One zombie tries to convince another not to wipe out a fleet of aliens, and then decides to start her own firm?]

(is it worth mentioning that I used to author a column in a local paper in which I reviewed dance mix CD’s? [No.] I didn’t think so. And I take it membership in local writers’ organizations don’t mean shit either?) [Correct.]


I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely yours,

Notes

If you call them zombies instead of human resurrections, you'll triple your sales.

While I admire your ability to condense your 150,000-word plot into two sentences, another five or six would be useful in conveying to us what happens in your book.

Why are there only two human resurrections?

How can the emperor ruthlessly rule aliens who have a fleet? It seems to me that if someone is ruthlessly ruling you and you have a fleet, you'll either use it to go to war or use it to fly away, depending on how well you think you'll fare in a war. You're not gonna just put up with someone ruthlessly ruling you.

Cartoon 445

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Synopsis 20

Abriel Jones thinks she may have found something exciting about her life in a mysterious man who visits to lull her to sleep. [You know your life is dull when the only exciting part of it puts you to sleep.] But when he leaves, she fears her life has relapsed to the way it had been. [Isn't she asleep when he leaves?] On her seventeenth birthday, she receives more than she bargained for when she sends her boyfriend flying across the room. [What did she bargain for?] If she had known what she did, Drei—her former mystery visitor—wouldn’t have needed to save her from a run-in with two drunks. [I'm lost, and I think it's because you didn't give me a map. What does "If she had known what she did" mean? If she had known she threw her boyfriend across the room? How could she not know that? Did she do it while sleeping? I can guess that what you're trying to say is that if she had known last week that she was Wonder Woman, she would have beaten those drunks who were bothering her to a pulp. In which case the drunks have nothing whatsoever to do with your main plot.]

Once she’s recovered from her traumatic birthday, she meets Drei for a midnight coffee. [I assume from her age that she lives with her parents. Does she tell them she's going out for a midnight coffee with a guy who's been coming into her bedroom to lull her to sleep?] Drei explains that she’s an air elemental—a person who can manipulate the air. Though it wasn’t what she wanted, [You mean it wasn't what she wanted for her birthday? It's not necessary to tell us that her birthday wish wasn't the ability to manipulate the air.] it’s not long before she’s grown used to having this new power and freely experiments to entertain herself. [For instance, she manipulates air into her lungs through the power of inhalation, then manipulates it out through exhalation.] [I, too, entertain myself this way--in fact, I do it every chance I get.]

Drei scolds her when he finds out, explaining the threat from the government: bounty hunters. People hired specifically to track elementals and turn them into labs for experimentation. [Wouldn't a person who can turn an elemental into a lab be considered an elemental elemental?] [Shouldn't Drei have explained the threat from the government when he told her she was an elemental?] She doesn’t believe him until a bounty hunter shows up at her school, posing as a college scout. [How does she know he's a bounty hunter, and not a college scout?] In an attempt to avoid a repeat encounter, [What encounter does she want to avoid repeating?] Abriel works to forget anything changed her on her birthday. Then she loses control of her powers at school. [We want to know what happens, specifically, when she loses control of her powers.] Abriel no longer feels safe in her life, so she takes Drei up on his previous offer of protection. [You forgot to tell us about his offer.]

She didn’t think protection would equate to a rundown camp and babysitting younger earth and water elementals. [They spend their time playing earth water air, which is like rock paper scissors except players constantly argue over what beats what:

Air elemental: Air beats water.
Water elemental: Bulls#@t! (Conjures tidal wave)
Air elemental: Oh yeah? (Creates tornado)
Earth elemental: Knock it off or I'll bury the both of youse under lava.
Water elemental: You and what army of elementals?]

Even if she comes to fancy the idea of being looked up to and finally leading a less shallow life, she can’t help feeling isolated from everyone.

Until Nick appears, that is. He shouldn’t be there—he’s not an elemental and little is known about him. But there’s something about him that makes Abriel feel less lonely. [Is it located between his belly button and his knees?] It isn’t long before she convinces Drei to let Nick stay, and not much longer before he winds his way into her heart.

After a fight, Abriel decides it’s time to tell Nick the truth about her being an elemental—something Drei’s insisted she keep secret. Her revelation is soiled when they begin arguing and Nick lets slip he’s a bounty hunter. [It's soiled?] Hurt and upset, Abriel does what she knows she has to: tell Drei. [Why isn't Nick turning her into a lab?]

She doesn’t need Drei to tell her Nick—and consequently, she—has endangered everyone. But after a near-death experience, saying goodbye to Nick, and moving to a new campground, it seems everything has worked out. [Why isn't Nick turning her into a lab?] But there’s one thing more Abriel wants to do before her nineteenth birthday, even if she has no idea how it’ll work out. Having put it off for nearly two years, she’s going to tell Drei how she really feels about him. [Which is?]


Notes

I want to know exactly what an air elemental can do. Can she create a vacuum around a bounty hunter so he can't breathe? Can she play a mean trombone?

How old is Drei?

If revealing she's an elemental has endangered everyone, why doesn't anything bad happen to anyone? If a bounty hunter makes it into a camp for elementals, you'd expect him to either be killed or to leave with an elemental.

The powers of an elemental don't seem that great if a bounty hunter can capture one.

Why wasn't Abriel an elemental before her 17th birthday? The other elementals are younger than 17.

There are too many unclear phrases and too many extraneous details. The plot is this:

1. Abriel turns 17 and suddenly becomes an air elemental.
2. She's unable to control her power so she leaves her home and family and school to move into Drei's camp for elementals.
3. Bounty hunter Nick shows up, endangering everyone.

Everything in the synopsis should relate directly to those items. Expand #1 by telling us what an air elemental can do and why Abriel has become one. Expand #2 by telling us what happened at school when Abriel lost control and what Drei offers to do for her. #3 Explain the danger and why Nick does nothing. Better yet, show the danger by having Nick do something. Can't he at least snatch one elemental and then come back for more? A bounty hunter hits the elemental mother lode and just fades out?

Cartoon 444

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 671

The thread snapped again in Sechra’s fingers. She glanced at her aunt Rena, hoping she hadn’t noticed anything.

“If you can’t keep your mind on the work, girl, let it alone.” Rena said wearily.

“I’m sorry! I tried...”

“What were you thinking of?” Sechra paused, struggled for an answer, shook her head.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“That’s what your mother always said.” Sechra heard the exasperation in Rena’s voice, and the worry, and the old hurt that lay under it. She understood, but she didn’t know anything to say that would help. She couldn’t bear to sit there under her aunt’s pained gaze and say nothing. She rose and went outside. At least no one was there today to cluck over the trouble the outlander’s orphan made for the aunt who’d been kind enough to take her in. She went quickly through the back garden, now turned and manured for winter—at least she had done that well--through the goat-yard and up into the hills.

As she left the village behind the weight of their eyes and their worries lifted from her. She was lonely, but that was all right. The Queen in the stories she told herself was lonely too, for her countrymen were awed by her beauty and afraid of the secret power in her eyes and hands. Sechra lifted her head, lengthened her stride, feeling that cool strength washing through her...

..caught her ankle on a trailing bramble and fell heavily, face first. Some queen.

In fact, not just some queen: When user RenaB uploaded the video to YouTube and it went viral, Sechra became Faceplant Queen, second in views only to Star Wars Kid, darling of the late night talk shows and almost as screwed up as her mother (the late Dung Debutante).


Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 443

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 661

Guess the Plot

Trust Me, Love Me, Let Me

1. Vienna Hampton never suspected her boyfriend was a con artist, even when he whispered, "If you trust me, if you love me, then you'll let me borrow your credit cards."

2. Tom Langton, self-help guru, is scheduled for a massive publicity push to support his new book. His rival threatens a counter-campaign to reveal Tom's failed personal life, so Tom asks his beautiful new neighbor to pretend to be his girlfriend. Hilarity ensues.

3. Rock star Jacob Lindsey hasn't noticed that his personal assistant, Beth, has been in love with him since she was in a training bra. Maybe if she quits he'll realize that there's more to life than fame, fortune, groupies, and being worshiped by millions.

4. A warts-and-all look at modern romance, from the first meeting, one enchanted night on a moonlit beach, to the discreet appointment at the specialist clinic for diseases of the rectum.

5. Memoir of fraud literary agent Nick Chambers, focusing on how he seduced would-be romance authors and fleeced them for thousands of dollars in "reading fees."

6. A young girl tries to convince her overprotective parents that if they really loved her, they'd let her get piercings, take birth control and date the hot construction worker down the street.


Original Version

Trust Me, Love Me, Let Me is a completed 73,000 word contemporary romance set in Los Angeles, CA.

Jacob Lindsey is this year’s big thing in music. ["Big thing" is pretty general. Try this: Jacob Lindsey is this year’s Hootie and the Blowfish.] As his personal assistant, Beth Lawson sees sides of him the public never gets to witness. Lately, that means covering for his excessive partying as he rides the smashing success of his first album. [Music stars don't want their partying covered up; they want it covered by . . . the press.] She’s been his friend since she was fourteen, but loyalty only buys so much patience, and she’s sick of being taken for granted. [That makes sense only if he's the one who's been loyal. He can't buy her patience with her loyalty. He can buy it with his friendship.]

After a car accident sets Beth up for months of recovery, she quits her job, [When you haven't shown up for two months, chances are you were replaced five weeks ago anyway.] [Somehow, after two months of hospital bills and physical therapy bills and no pay checks, quitting your job doesn't seem like the brightest move.] reconnects with her estranged father, and starts over. When Jacob orchestrates a reunion months later, she thinks he’s going to beg her to come back to work, instead discovering he’s determined to prove he can’t stop thinking about her. [How can he prove that?

[Jacob: Beth, I can't stop thinking about you.

Beth: Prove it.

Jacob: Okay. I'm thinking about you right now.

Beth: What about now?

Jacob: Still thinking about you.

Beth: And now?

Jacob: Still you.

Beth: Neat. So I was wondering . . . What'reyouthinkin'boutnow?

Jacob: Tiger Woods. SHIT!]

She fears she won’t be able to keep up in his world, but she’s loved him since she was in a training bra and [he's loved her since she moved into a C cup and she] can’t turn him down. [What is it she can't turn down? Did he ask her to come back to work? Did he propose? If she's not going to be working for him, why is she afraid she won't be able to keep up in his world?]

I am an unpublished author looking for representation. The synopsis and manuscript are available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. [You can drop the first and last sentences of that paragraph.]

Sincerely,


Notes

She's been his friend since she was fourteen, and she's loved him since she was in a training bra. First tell me how old she was when she was in a training bra, and then I'll ask my next question.

The reconnecting with her estranged father does nothing for the query since we know nothing about why they're estranged and it's never mentioned again.

Does Jacob take Beth for granted despite knowing she loves him, or has she kept this fact from him? It sounds like she's upset because she has to cover for him so he won't look like a jerk. But if that's one of the duties of a personal assistant, and she's getting paid, then what's really annoying her is that he hasn't professed his undying love for her.

So maybe the main plot is that Beth has long loved Jacob, but he sees her as just a friend, so she quits her job as his personal assistant. He soon realizes that fame and fortune aren't bringing him happiness because Beth isn't there to share it with him. Wait, sorry, that's the plot of Jerry Maguire.

But if that's also your story, the covering for his partying and the car accident are obscuring the romantic angle somewhat. We don't need to know about the accident; we need to know she gave up on his ever realizing they were meant for each other. Focus on the romance.

Cartoon 442

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

I was in Barnes and Noble today picking up Cold Moon Rising for the next book chat, and upon the table with new releases was The Belly Dancer, by DeAnna Cameron. Long-time minions may recall that title from Face-Lift 194. I did announce earlier (4/7/08) that the book had been sold; now it can be bought.

New Beginning 670

The walls in this room are white. So is the floor. I’m sitting in a corner and somewhere floating on the air is . . . gentle chanting? There’s no door to this room, and the ceiling has been magicked into a semi-cloudy sky. Whoever worked this magic is powerful. For a moment, the heat from that new ray of sunshine feels real. A light sweat even breaks out on my forehead.

I try to stand up, but my legs refuse to move. Same with my arms. They hug my torso all too tightly. Why wasn’t I aware of this before?

“I think he’s awake now,” a woman says.

I look around. I don’t see anyone else in the room.

“He can’t move, though, correct?” a man asks.

“Of course not,” the woman answers.

“Good. And what has he claimed to have seen?”

“Giants,” she answers, whispering the word.

“Just like the others . . . ”

“No, not like the others. He has named more than ten of them.”

The man gasps. “Then the incident was real?”

"No, of course not, you moron," snaps the woman. "I can name the seven dwarfs and the eight reindeer, but does that make them real?"

"Oh. So then he's . . . what is the problem with him?" says the man.

"Think about it," says the woman. "What kinds of people are completely surrounded in white and begin thinking they see strange things? Lab technicians in sterile rooms, angels in heaven, lunatics in insane asylums, and . . . "

"And . . . writers staring at a blank piece of white paper trying to come up with ideas! Of course; it all makes sense now."

"He's got a critical case of White Room Syndrome. I'm going to prescribe massive doses of Dickens and Thurber, taken internally twice daily. And make sure the arms on that straitjacket stay tight."


Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: Eric P.

Cartoon 441

Caption: Rick Daley

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 660

Guess the Plot

N

1. One man's struggle with Narcolepsy, and the challenge of staying awake long enough to finish a book about it.

2. Tired of being called a heartless bastard, a teenager leaves the Earth and crosses the galaxy accompanied by her spineless navigator Nigel, A.K.A. . . . N.

3. The letter pinned to the starlet's bikini said only "N." For Zack Martinez, homicide detective, this meant only one thing: those first thirteen murders were related.

4. With a brutal serial killer holding him hostage and his life depending on a game, it's not the best time for Mason to discover he lost some of the Scrabble tiles.

5. In the shadowy backstreets of a nameless city lurks N, a man of mystery. Who is he? Does anyone, even N himself, know for sure?

6. In an alternate world of gneissic knolls, gnu-sized gnats and gnocchi-kneading gnomes, the unlikely hero is a knuckle-headed knight in pneumatic knickerbockers.

7. Zorro II sets off on an epic journey to find an optometrist who's not afraid of a man with a sword. Turns out she's hot, too.

8. Q has gone missing and N is running the show with agents Orange and 013. Can they foil a plot to assassinate the PM?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider representing N, a young adult science fiction novel. N is complete at 45,000 words and is my first novel.

Like many girls her age, Dance West [has a ridiculous name.] [Last week we had a character named Satiety. Is it common practice these days to name your kid by randomly choosing a word from the dictionary?] [At least they didn't choose East.] falls under several labels. [Not sure "falling under" labels is a known expression.] Unlike most girls her age, those labels are more along the lines of “criminal”, “deserter”, “con artist”, “heartless bastard”, “thief”, or “pirate.” [You left out "cannibal." Try to keep your lists to three items.] Sick of the problems and injuries these labels cause, Dance sets out to find the one bargaining chip in the galaxy large enough to clear her name – a massive lost ship dubbed the Archon. [I don't see how a ship is a bargaining chip, what kind of bargain she would make with it, or how it would clear her name. Unless . . . "I've acquired a massive ship; I'll give it to you if you stop calling me a heartless bastard."] [Wouldn't it be easier and faster to acquire a ship that isn't lost somewhere in the galaxy?]

She begins her journey alongside her absolute wuss of a ship's computer, Nigel. [Also known as N, because it's a cooler title than Nigel.] Nigel's lack of a figurative spine antagonizes Dance's aggressive inclinations [Nothing's worse than having your inclinations antagonized by something that doesn't exist.] and the closer they get to the Archon, the more their constant struggles against each other threaten to compromise the mission. [Their struggles are irrelevant. Either the the Archon is empty and there for the taking, or someone else has the Archon, in which case they certainly aren't turning it over to a heartless bastard from a primitive planet that's the laughingstock of the galaxy.] Unexpected threats loom as they draw closer to their goal and ultimately a trauma forces them to band together and reverse roles to defend their prize, with Dance's future on the line. [This is complete vagueness. What threats? What trauma? What happens?]

N has been nothing short of a hit with the young adults who have read it. [Uh oh.] Readers have enjoyed the realistic characters, [You've mentioned only one character. Unless Nigel counts as a realistic character.] engaging style, and fluid storytelling. They said the novel weaves together humor, tragedy, and richly imagined fictional history. [They declared it to be the greatest book ever written; I reminded them of Shakespeare, Stephenie Meyer and Dr. Suess, but they stood by their claim. And who am I to press the argument?] Many noted that N redefined their perceptions of science fiction [If someone traveling through space with an uncooperative computer redefined their perceptions of science fiction, it's only because they never saw 2001. Or about a third of all Star Trek episodes.] [Also, young adults don't say things like "It redefined my perceptions." They say, It was sick. Or crunk or tope or buck or whatever this week's word for awesome is.] and generated interest in a genre they had never considered interesting before.

Again, thank you for considering N as a novel worth representing. I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

Top fifteen things I see in query letters, ranked in order of how much I care about them:

1. Your plot.
2. Your main character's motivations and growth.
3. Your genre.
4. Impressive credits.
5. Word count.
6. Why you are bothering querying me.
7. Unimpressive credits.
8. Your biography.
9. Names of successful authors you write better than.
10. Titles of books that meet each other, resulting in your book.
11. Whether your book would make a good movie.
12. Titles of movies that meet each other, resulting in your book.
13. Who should play your main character in the movie.
14. Number of people who follow you on Twitter.
15. What people you let read your book said to you about it.

You need to tell us specifically what happens and why Dance does what she does. Who is she? Why has she been labeled a thief, con artist, heartless bastard? Why will finding the Archon change anything? Has anyone else looked for it, and if so, why should Dance have better luck? Won't everyone she knows be dead when she returns?

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