Sunday, August 16, 2009

Bad Query 9

Dear Evil Editor,

What do the words exigent, flagrant, and pharisaic have in common?

They were all used to describe my 700,000-word suspense novel, "The Minotaur and the Ho."

In absolute veracity, Abe Wilson, the ex-collator from 1996, pointed out that "ho" was not permitted under the 1982 Chatauqua Convention, invalidating not only the title but the entire pivotal scene between Lenore and Walter. But Zenon Parks, the 1973 collator, countered that, since the novel’s setting clearly replicates the 1981 DairyWorld Scrabble Tournament in Milquetoast, Wisconsin, the title could stand as written.

Zenon further described the psychological tension of Walter's hesitation over playing "ho" or "he" as "a desperate man's tumescent conflict versus ennui and inertia," an opinion overwhelmingly endorsed by semi-finalists in the Greater Pittsville Jalopy Motors Regional Scrabble Championships. Mr. Jalopy himself offered to put up the first two printed copies of my novel as a prize for the couples winners in the Over-Sixty category of the Jalopy Championships in 2010, if it is published by then.

You wouldn't want to disappoint Mr. Jalopy or deprive the Over-Sixty Couples Champions of this insightful psychological drama, so I'm sure you'll be delighted when I tell you I have already shipped the full manuscript (COD Express) to your office. The Pittsville Fed-Ex deliveryperson is a charter member of the Greater Pittsville Regional Scrabble Club, and assures me that it won't cost more than a few hundred dollars for this unique opportunity.

Yours most sincerely,

Walter J. Sackwash, widower

--Jeb

9 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

I can't wait to read the book! At 700,000 words it will keep me busy for a while.

Khazar-khum said...

Yet another book about Paris Hilton???

Sarah Laurenson said...

Making the editor pay for the privilege? Priceless.

Dave F. said...

YO?
Yo Ho?
This is funny!

pacatrue said...

I have no idea what the author said, but I want to be in on that Scrabble Club.

Xiexie said...

Ok. I really want to read a book titled "The Minotaur and the Ho".

700,00 word -- couldn't that constitute volumes? That's how it should be sold.

chelsea said...

Wow. Just wow.

Adam Heine said...

"I'm sure you'll be delighted when I tell you I have already shipped the full manuscript (COD Express) to your office."

I laughed out loud at this. There's spaghetti sauce on my screen now. That should learn me.

Rick Daley said...

"ho" was not permitted under the 1982 Chatauqua Convention

However, "slut" was fine. We think they had issues with the rates.

COD- nice touch!