Friday, August 07, 2009
Abriel Jones thinks she may have found something exciting about her life in a mysterious man who visits to lull her to sleep. [You know your life is dull when the only exciting part of it puts you to sleep.] But when he leaves, she fears her life has relapsed to the way it had been. [Isn't she asleep when he leaves?] On her seventeenth birthday, she receives more than she bargained for when she sends her boyfriend flying across the room. [What did she bargain for?] If she had known what she did, Drei—her former mystery visitor—wouldn’t have needed to save her from a run-in with two drunks. [I'm lost, and I think it's because you didn't give me a map. What does "If she had known what she did" mean? If she had known she threw her boyfriend across the room? How could she not know that? Did she do it while sleeping? I can guess that what you're trying to say is that if she had known last week that she was Wonder Woman, she would have beaten those drunks who were bothering her to a pulp. In which case the drunks have nothing whatsoever to do with your main plot.]
Once she’s recovered from her traumatic birthday, she meets Drei for a midnight coffee. [I assume from her age that she lives with her parents. Does she tell them she's going out for a midnight coffee with a guy who's been coming into her bedroom to lull her to sleep?] Drei explains that she’s an air elemental—a person who can manipulate the air. Though it wasn’t what she wanted, [You mean it wasn't what she wanted for her birthday? It's not necessary to tell us that her birthday wish wasn't the ability to manipulate the air.] it’s not long before she’s grown used to having this new power and freely experiments to entertain herself. [For instance, she manipulates air into her lungs through the power of inhalation, then manipulates it out through exhalation.] [I, too, entertain myself this way--in fact, I do it every chance I get.]
Drei scolds her when he finds out, explaining the threat from the government: bounty hunters. People hired specifically to track elementals and turn them into labs for experimentation. [Wouldn't a person who can turn an elemental into a lab be considered an elemental elemental?] [Shouldn't Drei have explained the threat from the government when he told her she was an elemental?] She doesn’t believe him until a bounty hunter shows up at her school, posing as a college scout. [How does she know he's a bounty hunter, and not a college scout?] In an attempt to avoid a repeat encounter, [What encounter does she want to avoid repeating?] Abriel works to forget anything changed her on her birthday. Then she loses control of her powers at school. [We want to know what happens, specifically, when she loses control of her powers.] Abriel no longer feels safe in her life, so she takes Drei up on his previous offer of protection. [You forgot to tell us about his offer.]
She didn’t think protection would equate to a rundown camp and babysitting younger earth and water elementals. [They spend their time playing earth water air, which is like rock paper scissors except players constantly argue over what beats what:
Air elemental: Air beats water.
Water elemental: Bulls#@t! (Conjures tidal wave)
Air elemental: Oh yeah? (Creates tornado)
Earth elemental: Knock it off or I'll bury the both of youse under lava.
Water elemental: You and what army of elementals?]
Even if she comes to fancy the idea of being looked up to and finally leading a less shallow life, she can’t help feeling isolated from everyone.
Until Nick appears, that is. He shouldn’t be there—he’s not an elemental and little is known about him. But there’s something about him that makes Abriel feel less lonely. [Is it located between his belly button and his knees?] It isn’t long before she convinces Drei to let Nick stay, and not much longer before he winds his way into her heart.
After a fight, Abriel decides it’s time to tell Nick the truth about her being an elemental—something Drei’s insisted she keep secret. Her revelation is soiled when they begin arguing and Nick lets slip he’s a bounty hunter. [It's soiled?] Hurt and upset, Abriel does what she knows she has to: tell Drei. [Why isn't Nick turning her into a lab?]
She doesn’t need Drei to tell her Nick—and consequently, she—has endangered everyone. But after a near-death experience, saying goodbye to Nick, and moving to a new campground, it seems everything has worked out. [Why isn't Nick turning her into a lab?] But there’s one thing more Abriel wants to do before her nineteenth birthday, even if she has no idea how it’ll work out. Having put it off for nearly two years, she’s going to tell Drei how she really feels about him. [Which is?]
I want to know exactly what an air elemental can do. Can she create a vacuum around a bounty hunter so he can't breathe? Can she play a mean trombone?
How old is Drei?
If revealing she's an elemental has endangered everyone, why doesn't anything bad happen to anyone? If a bounty hunter makes it into a camp for elementals, you'd expect him to either be killed or to leave with an elemental.
The powers of an elemental don't seem that great if a bounty hunter can capture one.
Why wasn't Abriel an elemental before her 17th birthday? The other elementals are younger than 17.
There are too many unclear phrases and too many extraneous details. The plot is this:
1. Abriel turns 17 and suddenly becomes an air elemental.
2. She's unable to control her power so she leaves her home and family and school to move into Drei's camp for elementals.
3. Bounty hunter Nick shows up, endangering everyone.
Everything in the synopsis should relate directly to those items. Expand #1 by telling us what an air elemental can do and why Abriel has become one. Expand #2 by telling us what happened at school when Abriel lost control and what Drei offers to do for her. #3 Explain the danger and why Nick does nothing. Better yet, show the danger by having Nick do something. Can't he at least snatch one elemental and then come back for more? A bounty hunter hits the elemental mother lode and just fades out?