The man floated before the pitted bell-shape of the capsule, and his eyes filled with tears. The metal of the capsule still shone dully in the light of the stars, but it was pocked and torn by the forces it had encountered in its vast journey. Eighteen thousand million miles it had swung in its elongated orbit around the sun. It was like some great fish surfaced from the silent depths into the world of light, killed by its terrible journey. Anchored to the pitted hulk, the man, too, was like some denizen of the sea. Starlight gleamed on the armored plates of his pressure-suit. He looked like a crab grappling towards an unknown goal in the currents of a murky ocean. A metal arm extruded a powered spanner, and the man slowly unscrewed the airlock door. The capsule had already been holed and its air had poured out many years ago, but the man wanted to get inside. Wanted to bring back to Earth the body of the hero who had died and been carried beyond the sun, and now had returned. Had returned, like the last forgotten sardine in a tin someone had thought was empty and let sit out in the trash heap in the back yard until the fish was dessicated, yet still redolent of meals gone by.
The man worked quickly, like a grunion feverishly spawning before the tide went out. His breath grew ragged, and he felt much as a whale must with its baleen clogged with plankton. As the minutes ticked relentlessly away, his anxiety became as intense as a that of a Minion struggling to complete a bad analogy before the deadline.
Opening: Ishmael.....Continuation: Paul Penna
The man worked quickly, like a grunion feverishly spawning before the tide went out. His breath grew ragged, and he felt much as a whale must with its baleen clogged with plankton. As the minutes ticked relentlessly away, his anxiety became as intense as a that of a Minion struggling to complete a bad analogy before the deadline.
Opening: Ishmael.....Continuation: Paul Penna
17 comments:
I like the setting in this opening and the way the storyline is set up. I like the images used throughout the opening. I like the emotionality.
An astronaut retrieves the body of a hero that they thought was lost.
The problem with the opening is that it's all told as backstory. It's slow and ponderous as it is. You have to change the pacing a little bit.
I really liked some of your prose here: He looked like a crab grappling towards an unknown goal in the currents of a murky ocean.
But I think you have to get to this idea: Wanted to bring back to Earth the body of the hero who had died and been carried beyond the sun, and now had returned. somewhat sooner.
The man floated before the pitted bell-shape of the capsule, his eyes filled with tears. The metal of the capsule still shone dully in the light of the stars, but it was pocked and torn by the forces encountered in its vast journey. It was like some great fish surfaced from the silent depths into the world of light, killed by its terrible journey. Anchored to the pitted hulk, the man, too, was like some denizen of the sea, like a crab grappling towards an unknown goal in the currents of a murky ocean. A metal arm extruded a powered spanner, and the man slowly unscrewed the airlock door. The capsule had already been holed and its air had poured out many years ago, but the man wanted to get inside. Wanted to bring back to Earth the body of the hero who had died and been carried beyond the sun, and now had returned.
I got rid of the "Eighteen thousand..." sentence is because I felt it wasn't necessary to know that because you say "vast journey" in the sentence before that. I axed the "Starlight" sentence because I think we can figure out stuff like that. ;-) Then I combined "Anchored" to the "crab" sentence because I felt these belonged together, explaining how he felt or looked like in briefer terms.
The rest I kept because I felt it explained why the astronaut was there.
Would I read on? Yes. :-)
Continuation: HAHA!!
Lol. Good continuation. But really author, try easing on the analogies, or make them more subtle. Don't take out full lines to advertise. For example:
It was like some great fish surfaced from the silent depths into the world of light, killed by its terrible journey. The man clung to the side like a metal starfish, light from the stars gleaming off the (insert metal name- this is sci fi, right? might as well use this opp to add some detail to your world) plating of his pressure suit. He dipped a metal arm and unclipped a power spanner.
And so on. Like Dave said, move a little more faster, stay a bit more in the moment. But this looks like it could be a really good place to open.
Your analogies might read better if intersperced with action, not all in one lump.
The "his eyes filled with tears" line bugged me.
When people are intent on a dangerous action - and I consider floating around in space a dangerous action - they really are intent on the job at hand that they're trained for, and don't take time out to indulge in sentimental emotional fits.
Niiice continuation.
I like this. I would read more, but I think some of the similes do too much after a while.
And I know that something can have a dull shine, I just don't like it expressed as "shone dully".
I hate to say it, but I felt no connection to this piece. The analogies were overwritten. And I think the great continuation underscored that.
The POV made me feel like I was watching a documentary. Things just seemed to happen (actively--that's good) of their own accord without an acting character. Are we, perhaps, on another ship watching this happen?
And have you considered naming the man. I find it nearly impossible to connect to and care about a faceless character.
Hi author,
I think your opening is well-written, though I agree with others who've mentioned it may be a bit heavy on analogies.
So I experimented -
I just took this out:
"Anchored to the pitted hulk, the man, too, was like some denizen of the sea. Starlight gleamed on the armored plates of his pressure-suit. He looked like a crab grappling towards an unknown goal in the currents of a murky ocean.."
and I think it read really well.
I like what you wriote in these3 sentences, especially the second one, so maybe finding another way to fit it in, rather than between the two analogies- would be a good idea.
I like the tears in his eyes- he's grappling with the enormity of loss after a journey, and the loss of a human being he thought a lot of. And I don't need really need eithe rman's name yet, as I can identify with the feeling of loss, regardless of name.
Paul- really great continuation.
The dead cosmonaut is his father.
I like the idea of this, and some of the writing, but it lacked a sense of immediacy. Even though action is taking place in this scene, it felt passive amid all the description. I think it would read better if you cut about half the description and interleaved it with the man's actions.
Also, is there any reason to call him "the man"? Why can't we have a name? I think "the man" distances us from the scene somewhat.
I'll agree with dave g. and bernita. I like it. I'd read it. I like the emotions, _and_ I don't think you need or want "his eyes filled with tears." It's got plenty of atmosphere (ha!) and emotion, and the phrase is both out of place and a cliche.
I like the pace. It's a bit slow, but it is powerful and evokes the floaty, ponderous movements of the character in space. I assume there are faster passages to come. Hey, there's already a (presumed) dead body on page 1; we don't also require a car chase.
pulp
Tears are very inconvenient in zero-grav, yet there's no mention of them floating around as globules, getting up his nose or clogging his airline. This suggests to me that this opening hasn't been sufficiently well imagined.
Space isn't Earth with extra stars. If he applies pressure to the capsule to unscrew the door, he will move away from the capsule, and it will move away from him, to the limit of the anchor. This probably wouldn't matter except that there's so much detail given here that when details like that are omitted, it shows.
I found the para hard too read, I thought it was on the long side and became breathless in the middle ploughing through the imagery. Love the idea of rescuing the dead hero, though.
Feels like an homage to Kubrick to me. Can almost hear the theme from 2001 Space Odyssey. I'm more a Space Oddity man myself.
Don't think you need to use "pitted" twice, in addition to pocked.
I would prefer "in front of" rather than "before".
With all the colorful analogies, you could probably do better than use "dully".
It was like some great fish surfaced from the silent depths into the world of light, killed by its terrible journey.
Surfacing into the world of light feels more like a positive image to me and conflicts, rather than contrasts, with killed by its terrible journey.
The capsule is like a fish that has surfaced, but the man, next to the capsule, is grappling in the currents of a murky ocean?
"Extruded" sounds odd there even if that's what you really mean.
Man, I'm picky tonight; must be in a bad mood. Don't take anything I said to heart, just use anything that's useful.
I'm with you on the tears, Buffy, but the passage does read "powered spanner," so I'm assuming the man is not applying pressure to unscrew.
However, the "bell-shape of the capsule" did make this sound rather antiquated. Is the capsule an escape pod from the real ship that has fuel cells and room and supplies for a years-long expedition, perhaps? But no, the opening says the capsule took the orbit around the sun. My brain is trying to figure out this apparent disparity while I'm reading.
The tears while he's just trying to get into the capsule also bothered me. I'm assuming the NASA of this era has been waiting for the capsule to circle back close enough to Earth to make retrieval of the remains viable. So the man has been training and en route for awhile, knowing what he was needing to do. And the hero would have been gone at the very least over 13 years if it's near future and he was traveling at the max of 150,000 mph over 18,000 million miles. So duty and the long passage of time likely wouldn't cause tears when he's trying to open the hatch, would it? Maybe when he first sees the capsule. Maybe when he first sees the hero inside. But I think you can convey the sadness better without the cliche and inconvenience of tears at all.
Others have already suggested a lighter hand with the similes. And I don't know...the ocean metaphors in space seemed out of place to me. Yes, yes, I know all the nautical terminology associated with spacecraft, but juxtaposing natural sea stuff with space? Starlight gleaming off armor plating doesn't really make me think denizen of the sea. Nor does "murky ocean" equate with clear space in my mind.
Sorry :o( But others here obviously enjoyed the writing, so take my opinion with the proverbial grain...
Loved the contin, Paul!
I take your point about the powered spanner, Phoenix, but that power still has to go somewhere. Some of it will convert to heat, but I suspect some of it will convert to torque...and our astronaut will start to spin.
Clearly I don't read enough sf.
Here I thought the capsule was floating in an actual ocean (you know, like the film of astronauts being retrieved from their space capsule that landed in the ocean upon reentry?). This impression was supported by all the oceanic comparisons.
Then I got really confused about the relationship of the man to the capsule--at first, I thought he'd just come out of it, then saw that that couldn't be true.
Then there was the bit about being carried beyond the sun and returning--so they were on Earth, right (floating in one of our lovely oceans)?--but then the man wants to get the body back to Earth, so the capsule must have landed on some other distant planet with oceans but requiring a pressure suit.
It was only when I started reading comments that I realized capsule and man were floating in space.
So either my brain is mush (not unlikely), or you need more specifics.
Isn't a thousand million a billion to most English speakers? Or does this mean something different when we're talking about distances in space?
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