"What are they?"
"I don't know. That's why I asked you here. You're supposed to be the expert!"
"Me? Me? The expert? Why would you ever dub me the expert?"
"Because that's what your father told me. He said that you'd know everything about them."
"I don't even know what they are, let alone everything—"
"Fine, okay? You sure they aren't wolves?"
"No, no. I could sense if they were. They smell like wolves, but different somehow."
"Sahir should have been here to help me with this."
"Don't be like that."
"Be like what?"
"What you're doing right now. You don't have any reason to be angry with Dad."
"Oh I have many reasons to be angry with your father. Many, many reasons—"
"I've heard them all, and really I don't need to hear them again."
"Y'know, you shouldn't speak to me that way."
"What way?"
"Don't get all coy with me. That I'm-so-innocent shit hasn't worked since you were three."
"Mom! Language!"
"Is what we use to communicate, and shit is a very functional word."
"We've gone off topic, haven't we?"
"Pretty much."
"Well we know they aren't wolves, though they seem similar. What's weird is that they also smell like birds."
"Birds?"
"Birds."
"I just don't get it. So, what do you make of that one -- a squirrel?"
"Looks like a squirrel. But smells like a fish. Or a frog. Smells like a frog. And look at its skin."
"This doesn't make any sense. And that puppy . . . "
"Right. The puppy has possum's feet. What is it with this place?"
"I'll ask. Excuse me, sir? Sir?"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Sir, are you sure you're a licensed taxidermist?"
Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: Anonymous
13 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
"Birds....Yeah. Birds that demonstrate the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen principle."
"Don't be like that with me."
"Like what?"
"Like a smart-ass fuck."
"Mom! Language!"
"Is what we use to communicate, and fuck is a very functional word."
--Church Lady
"Your father's a turkey, you know. A chickenshit turkey. And he smells like pigs and wet sheep dipped in limburger cheese."
"I wish Sahir was here and I wasn't."
"Forget Sahir. What are they?"
"Funny. They look like wolves; they smell like birds. They must be weredingos."
--anonymous
"Well, that's just ridiculous. Why would they smell like birds?"
"How should I know? Maybe a bird just shat on them or something."
"Oh, and you criticise MY choice of language."
"Sssh. Get away from the window and let me take a closer look... Those eyes. Definitely something wolfish about them."
"Wolves don't have white fluffy hair."
"Yeah, right. But they do have big bloodstained teeth like those ones right there."
"Wolves aren't chubby and cuddly, though."
"Unless...wolf in sheep's clothing?"
"Oh my God, you mean..."
"Yup. It's Dad."
"Sahir, have you been taking that medication again? You take that costume off and come right in here this minute! I've told you before, trick or treating is just for the kids!"
--McKoala
I like the dialogue, but I think it's too much. For example, after "Because that's what your father told me. He said that you'd know everything about them."
You could write a bit about *why* he knows everything about them. Just enough to tease the curiosity. Then go back to your dialogue.
Sounds like a fun read.
This is taking too long. People may talk like this in real life, but in books they count on their author to cut out the verbosity. You want to convey that they smell like birds. No need to add "Birds?" "Birds." Here it is with less padding:
"What are they?"
"I don't know. That's why I asked you here. Your father said you'd know everything about them."
"I don't even know what they are—"
"You sure they aren't wolves?"
"No, no. I could sense if they were. They smell like wolves, but different somehow."
"Sahir should have been here to help me with this."
"We know they aren't wolves, though they seem similar. What's weird is that they also smell like birds."
I removed the additional lines about Sahir because it's not clear why, when Mother says "Sahir should have been here..." Daughter says "You don't have any reason to be angry with Dad." I saw no anger in what the mother said, so it felt like you were forcing information into the conversation. Now if it read: "Sahir should have been here to help with this instead of staying home on the couch to watch his damn football game..." it would make more sense, but you should still delete:
"Don't be like that."
"Be like what?"
"What you're doing right now.
Too much talk without letting us know who these people are.
My thought is that after the first sentence you should clue us in on who these people (if they're human beings) are. Maybe something like this:
"What are they?"
Stan snorted at Brian's stupid question. "I don't know. That's why I asked you here. You're supposed to be the expert!"
And so on. You certainly don't have to do this in every instance, but I think it would at least give the reader an idea of the thoughts of one of the people involved.
Something else to consider: Where does this physically take place? In someone's house? In a brothel? On a lake? I think that just some brief snippets also helps the reader get a picture of what's going on (if you have them in a Stan's house, in my example, and describe it as having a Steinway piano and crystal chandeliers in every room, that would make me think differently about where Stan is coming from in his thinking than if he had a player piano and broken light fixtures in every room).
Just some ideas. As it is right now, I'm sorry, but my eyes glazed over.
~Nancy (bein' lazy again today)
http://writerlystuff.blogspot.com
I love these continuations.
This was an exercise in my class to create a short story from a simple dialog scene without any dialog tags. (The short story hasn't been crafted yet.)
I can definitely see where to make cuts and also there are a few more lines to this:
"What kind of shape shifter looks like a wolf, but smells like a bird . . .?"
"A—"
"Rhetorical question."
"Party pooper."
"Use your strong, young muscles. Dump them in the back and let’s get them to the lab."
"Will do."
What works here (for me) is that you have a mystery and you have a character with an intriguing ability. I'm curious enought about the strange animals to want to read on, and also curious about the enhanced sense of smell you main character displays. At least I assume he (she? it?) is the MC.
What doesn't work is that the dailogue is too much, and there is nothing else but dialog to go on. EE and others are right, you should pare down what characters say to just stuff that moves the story along. The rest is the spoken equivalent of the 'He-woke-up-and-rubbed-his-eyes-and-pushed-back-the-covers-and-sat-up-and-yawned-and-put-on-his-slippers-and-stood-up-and-put-on-his-glasses-and-' type of detail that bores readers. No need to detail a character's every move, nor to chronicle every thought or spoken word.
I'm interested enough to read more, but I really want to see some where / when / who pretty soon. Are they looking at animals in a museum? Something dead on the lawn? Is an angry horde of these creatures approaching across the tundra toward the characters? Is the MC (who I assume is the younger speaker) a male or female? Child, teenager, adult? Sure, I can infer some of that stuff (and you definitely don't need to give the reader every detail, as mentioned above) but you have to provide some grounding. A reader's imagination should be allowed to fill in gaps, not forced to fill voids.
[ JRM ]
Unfortunately, I tend to lose track of who's speaking in dialogue-only stories. Then I lose interest. I hate the he said/she said game.
Here, it's very difficult to tell the speakers apart, as they speak very similarly, and in the absence of dialogue tags, I'm really struggling. Imo, this needs a lot more work if it's to, umm, work.
Might work as a graphic novel though...
Sarah
Xiexie, did your teacher explain the purpose behind assigning a writing exercise where no dialogue tags could be used? Was it because your teacher wanted the class to focus only on crafting good dialogue? Was it to encourage the students to develop distinctive voices for their characters, so that dialogue tags wouldn't be needed to identify who's speaking?
Just curious...
To me, "no dialogue tags" isn't the same as "nothing but dialogue." A dialogue scene can still have action and a setting embedding within it:
Leaning over the side of the footbridge, Bridget watched as her mother poked at the thick matted fur with a stick. "What are they?"
"I don't know. That's why I asked you here. You're supposed to be the expert."
No dialogue tags, and nothing added to the second paragraph at all, but now we have something besides headless words to focus on.
"headless words" - dialogue.
Ali, that's a good description!
I also liked this initially, but then it went on too long without giving enough detail and hints to string me along. You lose the momentum of the initial build up and then my interest when nothing happens.
I think you have some decent skills with dialog, but you need to add some other elements to the writing.
I would suggest that you drop the bits about getting mad at dad and not speaking to whomever that way. Into the characters with name usage as well, because it becomes difficult to keep track of who is doing what. Add some action in there so we know what they are doing. Maybe have the not-wolves move, or show them in the place where they observe them (like show it's a zoo, in teh wild someplace, etc.)
It doesn't take a lot, but you cannot play coy at the intro of a story if you want people to read it.
Was it because your teacher wanted the class to focus only on crafting good dialogue? Was it to encourage the students to develop distinctive voices for their characters, so that dialogue tags wouldn't be needed to identify who's speaking?
You got it, Lightsmith. She was focusing on our being able to create a dialogue without tags where the speakers were easily identifiable.
Later, we were to add action and tags where necessary to the scene. After doing that we are to create a short story using the characters from this dialogue (however, this particular dialogue does not have to appear in the short story itself).
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