The survey crew described Horizon Prime as Shangri-La -- a planet of tropical rainforests, fresh water lakes and trees -- many over a thousand feet tall.
Tran-Lux teleports its negotiating teams to the surface of the planet because they believe that naive natives are impressed by humans appearing in a burst of white light. Teleport is painful and sometimes we appear cringing and screaming and sometimes we evacuate our bodies and reek of ass. This time however, we were a handsome bunch -- knotted muscular faces, muscle-bound buff bodies and prehensile chimpanzee-like feet for swinging on vines and living in the canopy of the trees. The natives wore grass ropes on their biceps, ankles and foreheads. They covered their genitals with gourd-like Kotekas -- some long, some short, some curved, some thick. We were naked and our dicks dangled in the wind. I hate naked worlds.
I spoke first.
"We, ah, come in peace . . . " I said. That's what I always say, whether they understand it or not. Rules.
The natives were already staring at us, attracted by the light from the teleport before we could even focus. Now they seemed to be getting animated. Our presence had clearly aroused their interest; they began to jump up and down and shout in unfamiliar whoops and screams.
The leader approached us, seeming particularly excited. I also took a step forward. Then I noticed, this one was completely out of his gourd. And yes, he was very excited. That's when I also noticed, there didn't appear to be any females here.
I had a sudden feeling teleportation wasn't going to seem so painful after today.
Opening: Dave Fragments.....Continuation: Anonymous
17 comments:
I like this. It's got a fresh feel for me. But that might be because I haven't read much SF of this type. (Hard to believe though since I've been in the SFBC for almost 30 years).
I do have an issue with it being a 'naked' world since you describe them wearing things. The grass around the ankles would be OK for me with calling it naked. The gourds come across more like clothing.
I'd read more even though it's very 'male' writing. ;-)
Vivid.Blunt.
I like this.
I love that opening line in the continuation - "We, ah, come in peace . . .". I could write two new stories based on that line alone.
One like - We come in capitalistic piece to rape and pillage your world, despoiling the greenery and shoveing our valuble beads down your throats for the rich source of minerals you'll glasly give up.
Or like - Comrades, move into these wonderful vacation gulags while we enslave your women and children as sex slaves and your men to do the mining of your precious national resources.
So whoever you are "anonymous" you missed a personal congratulations.
Unchosen Continuation:
"Can someone hand me a Koteka?"
--150
The chimp-like feet might better be mentioned elsewhere. You're explaining that this time they aren't cringing and screaming and evacuating their bodies; instead they're handsome, buff . . . and have prehensile feet? Their feet would be the same whether teleporting had been painful this time or not.
Do they have to be naked when they teleport? If so, he should prefer naked worlds. If not, why didn't they teleport wearing Kotekas?
Ladies, try out this line on your man: Is that a Koteka on your genitals, or are you just happy to see me?
I have eight different versions of this opening. It's driving me crazy (well crazier than normal).
- Do they have to be naked when they teleport?
No.
- If not, why didn't they teleport wearing Kotekas?
The native gourds are special and cannot be reproduced.
- Their feet would be the same whether teleporting had been painful this time or not.
That's one of the eight abandoned beginnings. Originally, it took 700+ words to get to I spoke first. It discussed how Trans-Lux reassembles their bodies to match the alien's bodies.
A page later is this: Some psych-brain-shrinko-nuts decided that if we looked, dressed and acted like the natives, negotiating a treaty to rape and pillage the planet would be easy. All of the negotiators told those psych-brain-shrinko-nuts that they needed phrenologists and hairdressers, or massages and pedicures. Well, we never told them in those words. We told them to go get laid, to get their ashes hauled by any woman who would relieve them of their well-kept and well-deserved virginity. Either that, or go masturbate each other in a dark room and pretend.
and much later is this: I'll miss negotiating. I'll miss the intrigue. I won't miss the life. One planet, giant pink pig-like creatures gave away everything for spaceflight technology. Trans-Lux even mined the core of the planet and left the cold-dead hulk. Another world filled with lizard-like natives was all rock and sulfurous volcanoes, ugly creatures living in an even uglier world. A third planet had aliens insects so ghastly I wouldn't piss on them if they were burning to death. Each time, Trans-Lux made my body like the alien's bodies. I hated it. I didn't care what Trans-Lux did to their worlds. Then came this world and nearly human bodies. I care about Horizon."
"Ladies, try out this line on your man: Is that a Koteka on your genitals, or are you just happy to see me?"
Well, EE, it would all depend on whether the pseudo-Koteka was, as Dave put it, long, short, curved or thick. I'll ask if 'it' isn't short (maybe from the cold) right when I'm checking, I guess. Long, curved or thick, I can live with.
But the word Koteka reminds me of Kotex, which is kind of, you know, the antithesis of male, so...I'm thinking the male member of my family will need to remain gourd- free, at least unless we're on vacation. Or I'm really drunk one night. Or he is.
I was also thrown by the mention of the prehensile feet. It didn't seem to fit the contrast of the rest of the sentence. I immediately re-read the sentence to see if we'd suddenly switched focus to describing someone else.
I also wondered why they didn't teleport wearing Kotekas or other gourds. Even if a culture only wears gourds, they believe showing that little bit that IS covered is...crude. Having some covering and switching it once there makes more sense that offending your hosts the moment you appear.
Also, if these people can re-shape a human body into whatever weird creature they encounter, why can't they re-shape a common gourd into a Koteka?
Shangri-La is the hotel in Dubai where Matt Damon and a fat version of George Clooney stayed when they were filming Syriana.
a meaningless bit of trivia. But that's what American news has become these days.
:-)
Also, and I forgot this in my other comment--
Wasn't concerned or even curious about the prehensile feet.
I just want to know what a penis gourded up looks like, and if I can get one for my husband.
(thank god he doesn't blog!) heeeheehe
:-)
You know, CL, mine doesn't blog either, and I'm so very, very happy about that.
Let's make sure the two of them never meet.
I knew something wasn't working in this opening. Thanks for the comments.
The trick with this opening is to keep the voice strong and the reader interested while building a very strange planet and very strange culture.
Let's see if my explanations help me to clear it up.
a) prehensile or chimpanzee feet.
The aliens never walk on the ground. They live in the trees and travel by climbing and swinging on vines. Chimpanzees have feet as strong as hands and can grip with them. They can hold one vine with both hands and grab another vine with their feet and continue swinging. I cut out a mention of Tarzan and travel by vine (brachiation). I think I need to put it back into the text. It won't be in the opening 150 words, but it will be in the first 1000. The leader of the aliens will "teach" the humans how to use their vines for travel. The humans know this because they had a surveyor down there before this bunch arrived. However, the speaker is a diplomat (think weasel words) and he is going to negotiate for mining rights. He is trying to gain the advantage in the negotiations and is rig the relationship to his advantage.
b) Kotekas or penis sheaths:
These are just the ugliest and most distastful things I can think of putting on my body. Don't get me wrong, I'll take a roll in the hay with anyone good looking. I have no hangups about sex, gender or nudity. However, I think people are sexier clothed rather than stark staring buck naked. There are tribes in New Zealand and Africa who wear these things and they look atrocious. And sleeping with one of these where insects and ants and crawly critters can (ARGHHHHHH!) {Dave runs screaming nightmares}...
Moreover, this is a story written on spec and I have no choice. I got an longish email from a friend (the story's namesake) who asked if I could write a story where the natives wore those things and could grow into trees. By grow into trees he meant that the people walking aroudn are the actual seeds of the trees they live in. It's a world of symbiosis where bipedal humanoids developed to spread the giant, 1000 foot tall trees.
I know that's a strange request. But with all the diplomatic intrigue in his email, I gave it a go thinking that in 1500 to 2000 words I'd be done. Well, it's at 10,000 words now and I am enjoying writing the story.
c) the naked versus non-naked dilemna:
Got me there. I have to explain that in the story. I think that the negotiating team wants to be perceived as stupid or lower class or less than the alien natives. Trans-Lux demands they negotiate not as equals or superiors, but as inferiors and supplicants. Trans-Lux has exploited many star systems of their minerals and wealth. They are wolves in sheeps clothing, to borrow a cliche. They are using everything move to create an advantage for themselves.
When I joked in my first post about Capitalists coming in peace to rape and pillage, think of the industrial age and the rise of people like Andrew Carnegie, Mellon, Galbreath, JP Morgan. They were real capitalists and made fortunes by exploiting natural resources and workers. CApitalism is not pretty when it begins. (Remember, this is a fantasy story and not a politcal screed).
The speaker (the chief negotiator and soon to be ambassador) is going to double-cross Trans-Lux and make sure Horizon isn't despoiled and destroyed.
So who has monkey feet? The visitors or the natives? I'm confused.
So what you need then is to say that by appearing naked before the gourd wearers, they are less than the natives.
Hmmm. How about something like this?
The Trans-Lux survey crew described Horizon Prime as Shangri-La -- a planet of tropical rainforests, fresh water lakes and trees -- many over a thousand feet tall.
Being on the negotiating team means teleporting to the surface of the planet in a burst of white light. Teleport is painful and sometimes we appear cringing and screaming and sometimes we evacuate our bodies and reek of ass. Trans-Lux makes our bodies like the alien's bodies with an inferior twist. Supplication team might be a more accurate title -- except we negotiate treaties to rape and pillage the planet.
This time, we were a handsome bunch -- knotted muscular faces, muscle-bound buff bodies and prehensile chimpanzee-like feet for swinging on vines and living in the canopy of the trees. The natives wore grass ropes on their biceps, ankles and foreheads. They covered their genitals with gourd-like Kotekas -- some long, some short, some curved, some thick. We were naked and our dicks dangled in the wind. I hate naked worlds.
I spoke first.
Who has the prehensile monkey feet?
Good question. This morning I would have said both aliens and negotiators. BUT, thanks to the comments here, I have decided to make the prehensile feet an advantage that the humans have over the aliens.
Why?
Trans-Lux corporation conglomerate LLC cheats and tries to give its negotiators any advantage possible. So while they send their team in naked wihtout native kotekas, they give them a physical advantage.
Thanks Sarah. I didn't forget your comments.
I really liked the tone of this and the situation, but I wasn't really grabbed by it. I think it's because the overall tone is more intellectual and distanced than in your face humorous.
Post a Comment