"They've sectioned off that part of the city for a reason, Charity," Senator Marche told her chief-of-staff.
Charity gave her boss a weak smile and pulled her curly hair back. She looked in the mirror; her hair was caught somewhere between a ponytail and an afro. She slipped on her fitted leather jacket, making sure that the inside pockets were aligned with as many potions as possible. She attached a silver pendant to the chain around her neck, and silently went over her checklist.
"Charity, are you listening to me?" Senator Marche asked. "They've have the National Guard's Mage Division containing the area. Even most reporters haven't ventured in."
"Those reporters don't have children there, ma'am. I'm going to make sure my son is safe," Charity responded.
"You know he's safe. He's strong, your son. Sahir wouldn't let anything happen to him. He's the leader of the Northeastern pack."
"Which why I must go. If Sahir is killed, Dani is next in line to be leader of the pack. He'll become a target. I can't let that happen."
"Pray the Goddess will watch down on you tonight."
"Thank you, ma'am."
"And Charity?"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Be careful out there. Remember, we almost lost Faith, and we had to abandon Hope on the way in."
Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: ril
11 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
Charity turned to go; the Senator had one last chance to stop her.
"But are you sure you have everything you'll need? Crystals? Pyramids? Maybe you should wear something tie-dyed? Oh, and aromas; patchouli, I think, don't you?" Charity could be a spectacularly fine chief-of-staff when she wasn't in one of her New Age-spacecase, drama-queen moods. She was only going across town to pick her kid up from daycare, for Christ's sake. Besides, there was still work to be done.
"I don't have any of those with me..."
"I think I have some around here."
"May Gaea bless you!"
"Don't mention it. Oh, and while you're waiting, could you see to getting those press releases out? There's a dear."
--Paul Penna
"I didn't mean it like a blessing, you dolt," the senator said, a frown marring her otherwise smooth brow. "I'm not allowing you to go quite so recklessly, my dear."
Strong hands clutched at Charity's shoulders, pinning her in place. She recognized the scent of her arch-enemy, the pack third, Byron.
"You sold out to Byron? How could you, ma'am?"
"Oh, I'm going to help you, Charity. Far be it from me to keep a mother from her child. You just won't succeed."
The Senator laughed and lit a cigarette, drew a long breath before she continued, smoke curling from her nostrils. "It always looks good when someone risks themselves in a crisis. But I prefer to be the one who looks good, not you, kid. Besides, if your child dies with Sahir, my son rules. Win-win from my point of view."
By this time Byron had her arms twisted behind her back, a plastic flexi-cuff with a silver core binding them together.
"Bitch!" snarled Charity.
"Quite," replied the Senator. "Astute of you to finally figure it out."
--writtenwyrdd
"And Charity..."
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Please let go of my hair."
"Sorry, ma'am."
--anon
"And Charity..."
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Please don't pull my hair again."
"No, ma'am. Sorry."
--anon
She turned toward the door, thoughts rushing through her head as she straightened her black blouse.
They called themselves rebels, but they were nothing more than terrorists, holding the city in fear. It was the publicity they craved, each act of destruction or murder simply publicity for their cause. By the time she got there, there would be reporters, photographers, TV crews: a media circus waiting to record every moment.
Charity turned back to her superior, a grave expression on her face. "Senator, before I leave..."
"Yes, Charity?"
"Do I look fat in this skirt?"
--anon
The stadium rocked with noise as Charity took her seat. She would have to make use of the potions at once if she were to survive.
Heat coursed through her gut. She would have taken another draft but the man next to her grabbed the vial and downed it.
"Excellent," he said. "Single malt?"
Before she could answer, the crowd in the stadium began to rattle BMW keys. Down on the field, Sahir pawed at the ground, making ready for battle. With a violence that shook the very air, the warring packs collided. Sahir emerged from a pile of bodies, unscathed.
"That's all right, that's okay, you're gonna work for us one day," the mob chanted.
Relieved, Charity pulled a second vial from her jacket and drank deeply. Northwestern University hadn't fielded a powerful team in over sixty years. Thank the Goddess, her son would be safe on this brisk October afternoon.
The packs
--anon.
"And have mercy on your soul..."
"Hm?"
"It's a great sacrifice you're making for the city. Death is all but certain..."
"Sacrifice?" Maybe Charity hadn't fully thought this through. And frankly, Dani had always been a bit of a disappointment: skipping class, bad grades, hanging out with his motorbike friends. Who needs that kind of trouble?
"Senator..?" Charity reached into her jacket and searched through her potions. "Take a seat. I think we could really do something about that complexion of yours."
--anon
"Some folks are always putting him down," Senator Marche added. "Down. Down."
"Yes, I know. He comes from the wrong side of town, as does Dani."
"Sahir is strong. They told me he was bad, but I knew he was sad."
"Senator Marche," Charity gasped. "Is that why you fell for the leader of the pack?"
--anon
Her son's in danger and she's worrying about her appearance? Dear me.
Also, Evil As-You-Know-Bob dialogue.
Who is leader of the Northeastern pack? Dani or Sahir? The pronoun position indicates it's Dani, but the context indicates it's Sahir.
Is there one main pack led by Sahir, and several sub-packs, one of which is led by Dani? Or is Dani the second in command to Sahir in the Northeastern pack?
As a couple unchosen continuations point out, a similar problem exists with regard to whose hair Charity is pulling back.
Also, is it necessary for the senator to state that "He's the leader of the Northeastern pack."
Surely the senator knows that Charity knows this.
Charity says If Sahir is killed Dani becomes leader of the pack; I can't let that happen. Is Charity going in to protect Sahir from being killed? Or to get Dani out before Sahir is killed?
The chosen continuation is excellent, ril.
Is this a send up or parody of chick-lit? Seems to me that Senator Marche has something very important to tell Charity, but she's more concerned with her looks than anything else.
If it's not a parody, I think I'd excise the 2nd para, or just give a more brief description on Charity putting her hair in a bun or whatever.
There were also a few missed words here and there, so I wonder if this might be a rough draft (maybe somebody sent in their Nanowrimo draft?).
Like buffysquirrel, I also felt there was some As-You-Know-Bob stuff that the characters should already know.
I think this one has potential, and I like the first line, but I think this needs to be tightened up some more before I'd read on.
Like Buffy, I also thought about Bob.
Ril, that was almost poetic. Very, very good continuation.
With will all the continuation anons?
Author, I think this scene is misplaced. We don't really feel anything yet for the characters, so how can we be scared for them? What happens next? Maybe that would be a good starting point.
I agree with what people have said so far, so I won't belabor those points. However, I did think it worth saying that this is an interesting world and I would give it more time to see if it caught on. CL's idea of going to the next scene might be on target.
Ack! Starting with a mirror look! Ack!
This sounds like it could be interesting, but the dialog is intensely "as you know, Bob" and that just doesn't work for me. Also, the looking in the mirror really is an obvious ploy to give character description. It's also not adding to the plot movement or tension. that whole paragraph is really awkward and full of unnecessary detail.
It is really awkward structuring for me. I think you might improve the writing a lot by removing the excess and edit out the stiffness in the dialog. Keep working on it though, it sounds like it could be a good opening spot.
CL's "go to what happens next" advice is definitely sound.
If you're bent on starting with this exchange, however, I would focus not on the hair or the mirror (as others have pointed out), but on the POTIONS LINING HER POCKETS. What's on her checklist? If we have an idea of what she needs to face her foe, we don't need to be immediately in the middle of the battlefield to develop the sense of danger/dread that seems crucial to the start of your story. We'll find out about her ponytail afro later.
I would also condense the dialog as it is much too drawn out for the pace of the moment and ends up confusing your readers.
As I understand it, Dani isn't strong. He's merely being protected by his strong pack leader. If Sahir dies, Dani is exposed. A quicker exchange should be able to convey all of this:
"Those reporters don't have children there, ma'am. I'm going to make sure my son is safe." [no need to tell us this is Charity responding; there are only two people in the scene]
"Dani has Sahir to protect him."
"And if Sahir is killed? If Dani is forced to lead? My son won't stand a chance."
Now, if Dani is strong enough to lead and Charity is merely overprotective, you can make this clearer as follows:
"Dani is strong and has Sahir to protect him."
"And if Sahir is killed? If Dani is forced to lead? He's all I have. I can't let him face that kind of danger alone."
Xiexie here:
Yeah this is fro Nanowrimo draft. To answer questions:
Sahir's the leader of the pack. Charity wants to get Dani out before that could happen. As the story goes on, we find that Sahir's already been killed; so Charity's rescuing her son.
Regina's hitting things on the spot, and I think I'll employ CL and Regina's suggestions.
Post a Comment