"So you will correct the bodice, at no extra charge?"
"No, Miss Marsh, I a-makin' the change you ask me at no extra charge . . . as a courtesy," said Shama Non.
"Say it however you wish, but see if I recommend you to anyone." The bride-to-be left in yet another snit.
Right, Miss, I do you an exquisite dress at a reduced price to favor your Pa and you chisel me. Yes, I will fix the bodice.
Shama selected a sewing kit hidden under a drawer. She disassembled the bodice and with special thread sewed a hexagram on the interface between the layers. Within the hexagram she sewed symbols of two left feet, two interlaced rings and a stop-hex. Then she made changes to the original design demanded by the bride.
Don't break nothing when you go a-trippin' down the aisle . . . brat.
“Wasso funny, woman?” Shama’s husband, Tur, came up behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder. “Ahhh. You a-fixin’ s’mbody wiffa tooleffit. Heh-heeeh. Dat no a-workin’ lass time, ’member?” He belched near her ear. The smell of crawfish overwhelmed her as Tur heh-heeeh-ed his way outside.
But he was right. Shama didn’t want to give the little brat any chance. She bit her lip and scrunched her eyebrows, and then it came to her. She unstitched the bodice once more and sewed another, larger hexagram. Inside this one she stitched an open manhole, an oil slick and a discarded banana peel.
Now you not even a-makin’ it to the aisle . . . bitch.
Opening: Bill Highsmith.....Continuation: blogless_troll
14 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
The bride's mother entered the shop later in the afternoon and looked over the dress.
"I love your work, Miss . . ."
"Non."
"I've a friend in Paris who will be in town for the wedding. I'd like to introduce you. You will come to the wedding, won't you? She has influence on several major designers and buyers there.
"I'd love to Mrs. Marsh. I have much work to do you your sweet daughter's dress, so I better get moving.
After the bride's mother left, Shama took the dress apart again and removed the hexes. She then consulted a hexing book from her shelf to learn some she had never used before.
"Now let's see, I'll need a walk-carefully-hex, a sweet-spirit hex, a think-before-talk hex, a don't-be-an-ass hex, a you-know-how-you-are?-don't-be-like-that hex...."
--anon
"Shama. Shama, darling, can you hold up that bodice? The camera missed it the first time."
Stupid director. Makin' her do the same things over and over, movin' that dang camera around. Go along, Shama Non, 'cause you gonna git you some publicity. Just wait 'til they see you on Bridezillas come June. All them mothers-in-law be comin' by, gettin' somethin' special for them brats that their sons were fool enough to fall for.
"Like this, Mister Director?" She turned the bodice inside out and the hand-held camera zoomed in over her shoulder.
--anon
"Aaaaand - cut!"
The director crooked his finger at Shama, and she reluctantly walked over to him.
"Shama, I really don't think the audience will, ah, get what you just did. Care to explain?"
"I only put a tiny hex on that Bridezilla," Shama answered, crossing her arms. "Ain't a-hurting nobody."
"Fine," the director sighed. "But we'll have to reshoot with you explaining what you're doing. I think it will work."
Shama nodded once and walked away. He couldn't believe it. One goddamn bomb in Hollywood and he was directing the reality show Bridezillas.
--freddie
p.2: I would remove "No, Miss Marsh," It sounds like she's saying "No, I will," which is confusing. She's actually saying "Yes, though I did it correctly and you changed your mind, you miserable punk."
p.4: "Yes, I will fix the bodice." doesn't get across the attitude. Something like, "Oh, I'll fix the bodice, all right; I'll fix it good." is what she's actually thinking.
p.5: I would make the last sentence: Then she made the changes demanded by the bride.
p.6: Having left the "g" off of "tripping" and "making," you might do the same with "nothing."
I like that this starts out with the seamstress sewing a curse into the wedding dress. It gets right to the point.
I'd totally keep reading this!
Hi-
I really like opening with a curse in the dress- damn, that would be fun to do to an idiotically spoiled chick like this.
The continuation is a scream- I can't be the only one thinking of that Star Wars character, whose name I can't remember.
BTW-
Blogger is eating my comments today when I try to sign on, and giving me an error message.
Robin
I would totally read this. I think it's my favorite opening yet. Your character manages to be likeable while putting a hex on a customer; maybe it's because anyone who's had a crappy job in retail has secretly wished they could do something like that!
Highsmith/Blogless--A one-two punch!!
Very funny, all of it! I would definitely read on.
A creative way to open a story!
Oh = please make this a leprotic curse ...please !
I like the curse bit but really would like just a peak into "what the curse means" because now I'm wondering "is this a useless curse" or "is this a meaningful doing wrong curse" in the author's world.
I want a peak more into the world. Maybe that's good ...because I'd turn the page to find out !
Oddly - I don't emotionally like either character very much - if that matters.
I like the curse. I think it is the best character. Maybe it has a life of its own and this is just the character being established/introduced ! ( Ohhh, I should be so lucky...please tell me I'm right ...)
I think that the opening needs to be filled in more. Just having the rather heavy-handed rough dialect gave me the idea she was laying it on thick for the customer, but it was straining the boundaries of credulity for me as a reader.
I'd like to have some of the seamstresses' inner feelings shown by action: She resisted the urge to jab a pin in the woman on 'accident' for example. Unless her inner dialog isn't supposed to be so educated?
I did like it, though, because the scene sets us up for intersting consequences. We have a hex being cast and a character who is more than she seems. I'd have read on.
I love the idea of the hex sewn into the dress, great start. I just wonder if you could bring us a little closer to the characters. For example: 'The bride-to-be left in yet another snit.' - That's kind of telling. Could you reveal more by showing? Does she wrinkle her nose? Toss her hair? Knock something over? Slam the door? What does she pick up or put on that is typical for her?
I like the concept.
"I a-makin'" The consecutive vowels make it a little less smooth to read. Wold "I'm a-makin'" still fit the character?
"I do you an exquisite dress at a reduced price" sounds rather elevated compared to some of the other dialect.
Minor nits.
Like the hex, don't like the uneven dialect.
Don't think you need dialect.
I agree with Written that this could use more detail,rather than less.
I've been on a long, horrible trip and completely missed this. (And, my posting of yesterday seems to have fallen through the blog-cracks.)
Thanks for the comments and suggestions.
a. snarkling, I think you were hoping that the character would be likable. Well, what if she "blessed" a very sweet bride with seven daughters? Would that do it? (It was well-intended and she didn't forget the good-fortune hex needed to pay for all those weddings.) :)
Iago: "I a-makin'" The consecutive vowels make it a little less smooth to read. Wold
The absence of consecutive vowels made that a little less smooth to read.
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