Guess the Plot
The Study of Saints
1. The initial findings indicate the subjects are all, without exception, deceased, but were, during the course of their lives, generally well behaved.
2. An alien exchange student is Delilah's partner for her senior history project, and his poor understanding of English lands her back in time, on the Mormon migration to Utah.
3. Homeless former supermodel Roxanne Johnson's life is in the toilet. She's addicted to sex, cigarettes, hair dye, pointy shoes, and some very expensive chocolates she cannot begin to afford. She'll never get laid again anyway, so she joins a nunnery. Hilarity ensues.
4. After her family moves into a Irish castle with a moat, 12 year old Sally Jones starts hearing things go bump in the night. Dim glowing figures walk through the walls of her room. Bottles of ink and mysterious tomes written in ancient languages appear by the window. Turns out the tower is haunted by St. Ethelred, the virtuous Viking, and he wants to finish a few projects before he goes to Heaven.
5. Louis and his fancy band of rogues in medieval Rome decide to infiltrate the Vatican. The scheme? 1] Acquire holy relics; 2] take over the world. Failing that, maybe they'll just rule France.
6. The saints held off the Emim, who were trying to take over the Earth a millenium ago, but now they're back, and only one man, Michael Blake, has the power to stop them this time. By studying the saints, can he figure out how to save us all from the dreaded Emim? Also, a dreadlocked dragon bartender.
Original Version
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,
I thought that you may be interested in my novel The Study of Saints. As such, I would like to offer it to you for review.
Michael Blake has fallen from the map of the World. Awake, he is unseen and finds the spaces his life once held have been filled by strangers. [That sounds interesting, but unclear. If he's literally become invisible and has been replaced, I'd rather you said so more concretely instead of using language that sounds metaphorical/metaphysical. Something like, Michael Blake arrives at work one day to find a stranger doing his job. He goes back home, only to find his wife making love to another stranger. And she ignores his protests as if he isn't even there. WTF?] Asleep, he wanders a strange land and watches silently as lost souls burn away to ash again and again. ["Again and again" suggests that it's the same souls each time. Is it?] If a woman named Alice can be believed, Michael is dreaming of the Wall, the border country between our World and Sbas Yul, the Hidden Place, where magic was sent a thousand years ago. [Alice sounds like she's had a few Alice B. Toklas brownies.] They are dreams of a forgotten past, she says, but also a sign of things to come. [Clever. No matter what the dreams turn out to be, she can claim she was right. Other claims that sound ominous while covering all bases: "The cards predict a new romance, but the tea leaves say otherwise, and the crystal ball is cloudy; that'll be sixty dollars," and "You will live . . . and then die!" (I learned these tricks of the trade when I trained as a fortune teller in Hungary.)] The dreams mark Michael as a Changeling, one who will cross through the Wall and into Sbas Yul. He will burn through, like the people in his dreams. And when he goes, the little of him left to remember will vanish. In three days Michael will have never existed. [I got the impression he already didn't exist. He's off the map of the World.]
Now others have found a way back from beyond the Wall looking for Michael. They are the Emim, the rulers of Sbas Yul, who once nearly conquered the Earth. Their power to make and twist reality, drawn from stolen souls, is fixed on Michael.
Michael and Alice are sent running out of Chicago and into the hidden heart of America. Tucked into cities and small towns live people who reveal to Michael more of the invisible around us and to the past we’ve been made to forget. A dreadlocked dragon bartender, a boy with mirrored eyes, a man who dances alone in the temple of the lost gods. While in his sleep, a strange woman walks through, teaching him, warning him. [I thought that was what Alice was doing. Is Alice there when he's awake or asleep?] Each of them has a past, an agenda, an allegiance. Michael must unwind the threads and find the one truth underneath them all, the secret to unlock his dreams and save us all.
If the Emim take Michael before he crosses over, it will mean the fall of Sbas Yul, the collapse of the Wall, and the end of the Earth. [If a woman named Alice can be believed.] [Suggested title: A Woman Named Alice.] For Michael to survive, he must come to understand and control his own growing power, a power that he fears is the very same as his tormentor’s. [Who is his tormentor? What exactly is his power?] The path to learning that control, to understanding our true history, and to fighting the Emim will take him around the World, through memory, dreams, and beyond.
The Study of Saints, complete at 76,000 words, is best described as urban fantasy. It is my first book.
I have included the first five pages for you to look over should you choose. I would be happy to send you either a partial or the full manuscript. Thank you for your time.
[The title of the book is a reference to the opposition of the Emim, called the Nharim, who are mentioned frequently but never seen. They went by a different names depending on where they lived, including saints. He does spend a lot of time trying to figure out who they were and what effect they and the Emim had on the world in order to bring us to the place we live now. Hence, the studying. He is also a "saint" or Nharim in potentia, something he only comes to understand later, so it takes on another meaning there. Finally, there's a thread of religious theory running throughout the whole novel, a kind of grand unification theory of world religion, so there's one more meaning to toss on. It's really too bad that the title sounds like Chick Lit [Actually, it sounds like a course description. Religion 214.] and will most likely get dumped before it ever makes press, if it ever makes press, in favor of something like Elven Lords of Sbas Yul: the Blood Moon Conspiracy. [Suddenly I perk up with renewed hope as I sense a bestseller in potentia.] I can see all my female character's chests bumping up 2 cup sizes as I write that. [I'm way ahead of you. Think Amazons. In the locker room after gym class. Suddenly, Michael realizes, being invisible isn't so bad.]
Notes
I note that Emim is "mime" backwards. Were the Emim mimes? Because a book in which mimes try to take over the world--sorry, World--would be great. Who wouldn't love a book in which the hero uses a machine gun to mow down an army of mimes?
If Alice is in the real world, as it appears since they run away from Chicago together, how does she get Michael to believe her preposterous story about Sbas Yul? Wouldn't he consider her a nutcase?
The Emim are coming after Michael. If they get him the World is finished. And to save us all, he must find the secret to unlock his dreams? Does he get to kill anyone with a sword? Unlocking dreams doesn't sound that exciting.
I'd like to see the plot in language you'd use talking to someone in a bar. Here's the setup, these are the stakes, here's what happens.
11 comments:
If a mime is gunned down in an empty forest, does it make a sound?
Very technical complicated sounding premise you've got there. Why so many weird names if they're just going to Chicago? Hope the voice in your pages won't also remind me of lectures by the ol' philosophy professor.
Rofl, EE. Hungarian fortune teller. You're on top of your game here.
Author, other than EE's comments, I'm confused by a few things. Such as the power to change and twist reality. What does that mean? Have you ever seen Dark City - it's a low budget Matrix that became overshadowed by the real Matrix. The "agents" in it were an alien race that had the power to alter reality at will too - "tuning" as they called it. What I don't get here, as I didn't get there, is how can anyone stop something like that.
I hope there are limits, but from your description they're too vague to tell what. Maybe instead of saying vagaries about their power, you can talk about what your hero must do if he wants to defeat them. This sort of goes along with specifying Mike's powers like EE wanted. You could cut a lot of unnecessary plot points out of the query by doing this.
This premise is intriguing and sounds a lot like something I'd read. The actual plot isn't clear enough yet, however. Also, the complicated names don't work for me, though.
Now, I can't get "Alice's Restaurant" out of my head.
True to my form, I played with what you have and came up with this:
Asleep, Michael Blake wanders a strange land and watches silently as lost souls burn away to ash. Awake, he is unseen except by a select few – like Alice. Alice tells Michael that he is dreaming of the Wall, the border country between our World and Sbas Yul, the Hidden Place, where magic was sent a thousand years ago. The dreams mark Michael as a Changeling, one who will cross through the Wall and into Sbas Yul. When he burns through, the little of him left to remember will vanish as if he never existed.
The Emim, the rulers of Sbas Yul, have found a way back from beyond the Wall. They, who once nearly conquered the Earth, are looking for Michael. Their power to make and twist reality, drawn from stolen souls, is fixed on Michael. If the Emim take Michael before he crosses over, it will mean the fall of Sbas Yul, the collapse of the Wall, and the end of the Earth.
Michael and Alice run out of Chicago and into the hidden heart of America. Tucked into cities and small towns live people who reveal to Michael more of the invisible around us and the past we’ve been made to forget. A dreadlocked dragon bartender, a boy with mirrored eyes, a man who dances alone in the temple of the lost gods, and a strange woman in Michael’s dreams have agendas, allegiances. Michael must unwind the threads and find the one truth underneath them all, the secret to unlock his dreams and save Earth.
For Michael to survive, he must understand and control his own growing power, a power that he fears is the very same as the Emim. The path to learning that control, to understanding our true history, and to fighting the Emim will take him around the World, through memory, dreams, and beyond.
It would still need some work, but maybe this will help. I think you have a good premise. I also think your alterenate titles are much more catchy.
Good Luck!
Sarah
OK. Now that I've looked it over a bit more here are my questions, or at least my understanding of a few interesting logic points.
The Emim rule Sbas Yul. Michael needs to cross over to Sbas Yul or the Earth is kaput. The Emim are trying to stop Michael from crossing over.
Why? If he does cross over, he'll be on their turf, under their rule. Why wouldn't they wait to take him when he comes to their side? Or does his crossing over mean they lose control of Sbas Yul?
I think the action of stopping him from crossing over means they get a chink in the Wall and then they can cross back and try to take over the Earth. But, if they are looking for this chink, don't they already have it since they are chasing Michael in this world?
As for Michael, why would he decide to put himself in the hands of the Emim by crossing over? What about this whole setup shows him he must sacrifice himself to be under the rule of those trying to kill his ass in order to save Earth?
If this is a huge self-sacrifice, I don't see it blazoned across your query. And I think it should be.
Just my thoughts. You probably handle all of this in the book.
Sarah
Is Sbas one syllable or two? That's not a criticism of the work; I'm just curious what people think.
Yeah, my main thought while reading the query was summed up by EE's notes about telling what happens in straightforward language. I thought the query was hinting at possibly a very cool premise and world, and yet everything was so vague and mysterious that my eyes started to glaze over by the last paragraph.
Is there any humor in the book like in your title notes? The Blood Moon Conspiracy was great.
This is some strange Tibetan mysticism. Am I right?
Describing a story like this is like teaching the graduate class in quantum physics. It's kinda hopeless without a good background in the subject.
Have you guys ever read "Hellblazer" comics or any of Vertigo's more adult comics? How about "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" by Jhonen Vasquez? Or maybe the highly original Aeon Flux? Or maybe "Are you Loathsome Tonight" by Poppy Z. Brite?
(hey, we all like Elvis, don't we?)
FIrst, seperate the story from the mysticism. EE had it right.
Michael Blake arrives at work one day to find a stranger doing his job. He goes back home, only to find his wife making love to another stranger.
That's an opening line. Now why is this happening?
Michael Blake walks between two worlds, The world of the living and the magic world of Sbas Yul, the Hidden Place.
Now what is Michael Blake's problem? And here is where I get lost. The "evil" Emim are trying to restore magic to the world by destroying the protective wall between Sbas Yul and reality. I hesitate to say dream world because that would be three names for the same place. What are the "threads of truth" that you refer to? Is this a Norn type thread (see Gotterdammerung for Norns).
Alice is the only woman who understands Michael? Or see Michael? Why is that so? You need to establish her as the third character in the query. How does Alice know about Sbas Yul and How can she help Michael?
You, the author, have to clarify Alice's role in Michael's solution to the end times.
Alice Whatever, curator of the museum, rescues Michael and together they ...
The one thing you can't do (and it's apparent from the confustion already created) is reveal so much of the mystical background of the story. It's obvious to me that you have a certain philosophical, moreal, religious, mystic world built into the story. It's not a trivial mysticism and it's leaving too many readers behind when you talk about it so much in the query.
When I read Phillip Pullman's trilogy (the Golden Compass, etc...) I became aware of the very controversial anti-catholic views in it. But that's not an apt description of the novels. Neither is calling Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" an anti-religious screed. It is, but that's not the story in the book. Neither is the analogy of Aslan as the Christ the story of "The Chronicles of Narnia." See what I mean?
Step back from the mysticism and describe what Michael and Alice do as an adventure.
I could be so wrong about this. Maybe i'm enamored of the wrong thing. It's such a strange and wonderful story. I do like the premise. I like the complexity of it. However, that same complexity can be death in a query. There are queries I read with simple, straighforward plots and I have no desire to read the book. This isn't one of those stories.
My big question is this: The Emim are the rulers of Sbas Yul, and Michael is destined to cross into Sbas Yul. The Emim want to stop him from crossing over. If they stop him before he crosses over, it means the fall of Sbas Yul, right? Then why do they want to cause the collapse of their own domain? They rule it, and they want to destroy it? I'm sure there is an explanation for this, but I couldn't find it in the query.
Xiexie is intrigued and yet confused. He's going to echo Wonderwood and Sarah.
150: If a mime is gunned down in a forest full of people, does it still make a sound?
Pacapaca: (This comes from Arabic pronunciation of words that sometimes invades into my English) Sbas is one syllable for me. So: Sbas Yul reads as 2 syllables, not 3.
Post a Comment