In this business, every once in a while, you meet a woman who's a class act. Not like the tarts and broads you usually get to meet in this business. She's the third class act I've met, makes the day worthwhile.
The sign on the door says Jonathan Slaughter. That's not my name, it's the previous tenant's. But, if it makes it a little harder for the bill collectors to find me, that's all right by me. Especially since my last three customers stiffed me part of or all their fees. It makes it hard to go home. It's not the anger that bothers me, it's the hope.
The class act has nice legs in expensive stockings. Her pumps are real leather. Sensible shoes for those stockings. Her dress is hidden under a trench coat, weather's been threatening rain for days but, so far, it's all been talk. I expect the dress is expensive, certainly her perfume is. She flashes her blue eyes at me, strokes her curly blond hair.
"I need a detective," she says, with a seductive voice that caries equal measures of loneliness, frustration, and desperation. "I need one quite badly."
"Lady, I don't know how you got through this neighborhood so late at night, but why don't you just go hire some white boy to be your detective?"
"Sugar," she coos, "if what I need is the best Private Dick, I know no white boy is gonna do it for me."
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Anonymous
The sign on the door says Jonathan Slaughter. That's not my name, it's the previous tenant's. But, if it makes it a little harder for the bill collectors to find me, that's all right by me. Especially since my last three customers stiffed me part of or all their fees. It makes it hard to go home. It's not the anger that bothers me, it's the hope.
The class act has nice legs in expensive stockings. Her pumps are real leather. Sensible shoes for those stockings. Her dress is hidden under a trench coat, weather's been threatening rain for days but, so far, it's all been talk. I expect the dress is expensive, certainly her perfume is. She flashes her blue eyes at me, strokes her curly blond hair.
"I need a detective," she says, with a seductive voice that caries equal measures of loneliness, frustration, and desperation. "I need one quite badly."
"Lady, I don't know how you got through this neighborhood so late at night, but why don't you just go hire some white boy to be your detective?"
"Sugar," she coos, "if what I need is the best Private Dick, I know no white boy is gonna do it for me."
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Anonymous
10 comments:
Unchosen Continuation:
“Well,” she said, crossing her legs so I’d get a better look at her pumps. “I heard you’re reasonably priced.” She opens her coat, and I get a glimpse of the front of her. Boy, do I. Her breasts are like two full moons rising out of her dress.
“Is that so?” I ask, leaning back in my chair, trying to act casual. I can’t help it; my eyes keep darting back to those heels; they really show off her legs. Girl could be in show business if she wanted. I wonder how much they cost. Probably more than I make in a week. Especially now.
“As I understand it,” she said, twirling a curly blonde lock of her hair. “You like shoes. A little fetish, from what I hear.”
I didn’t ask her where she’d heard it. If word had reached all the way up to her end of town about my shoe fetish, I was done for. No wonder I was having trouble getting people to pay. They all knew I could be taken for a pair of shoes, especially patent leather heels.
“What are we talking?” I said.
“Well,” she said, leaning forward so I caught a big whiff of her perfume. “It just so happens my father owns a shoe store.”
--freddie
Not sure what is meant by It makes it hard to go home. It's not the anger that bothers me, it's the hope. I could do without it, whatever it means.
Typo on "carries."
Otherwise, I'm intrigued enough to read on.
Great beginning and great continuation! I'd read on for sure.
hmmm.... I kinda like this, a whole helluva lot.
The third class act in one day is not " every once in a while..." He's probably eating tuna from a tin and stale bread bought with his last buck.
I think that paragraph 2 hurts the narrative. It's quirky and detective-ish but out of place.
I think paragraph 3 has too many uses of the word "is"... or the verb "to be"... This is part and parcel of my complaint about the past tenses. The no-action, not-moving, gentleness and inertia of the words cancel out the voice you started to establish. This presents contradictory elements.
"The lady has expensive stockings and sensible pumps. A slinky dress hid under a common-sense trenchcoat. Blue eyes, blond hair and something mundane.
Also, what does "equal measures of loneliness, frustration, and desperation" mean? A voice carries sex, carries seduction, carries fear, carries hatred, carries anticipation... But loneliness, frustration, and desperation. All three at once? How?
There's two things you need to establish here: 1) the people taking, that is the noir-ish detective and the lady and 2) the trouble that the lady brings. Is her husband cheating? is he dead? Is some dark stranger following her? What lie is she going to tell him. They all tell lies, those dames, yanno. they have those looks that promise everything and then they deliver nothing.
I like the fact that he can say to her - why don't you just go hire some white boy to be your detective?"
That is excellent. It says so much in so few words. And her answer to him has to be just as wicked and revealing. That's why the continuation is so successful - it smolders.
Here is a Shirley Temple blond saying to a detective who is "off-color"
"Sugar, ain't no white boy going'ta solve this problem."
The more I read this, the more I would say steal that continuation. It sets up so much tension in the story. STEAL IT! USE IT.
That continuation was awesome! Also, I actually love the line about it's not the anger I could do without, but the hope. I know EE said get rid of it, but I really liked that line. I think you have to go with your gut on that one. Really interesting beginning. I would definitely keep reading.
I agree with Dave! The continuation is awesome and fits nicely with your narrative.
Nice job, author!
I likr it and I like that line "It's not the anger that bothers me, it's the hope." too.
You, author, did good.
I think that sums up all my input.
(STEAL THE CONTINUATION!!!!)
At the risk of being contrary, though the writing is good in this it reads as a noir opening that is essentially a cliche. Private eye, down on his luck, hot woman comes in looking for help.
There's nothing here that makes it different from any other noir or pastiche of noir.
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