The following book titles were on the "long list" of books considered for Canada's prestigious Giller Award. Your job: figure out which of the plots is correct. Answers below.
Zero Gravity
1. Between pushing and pulling, physicist Evelyn Grearguard must decide when the moon she just created is properly positioned in the gravity well, or the planet is doomed. Doomed!
2. When Prince Edward Island suddenly floats into the ionosphere, scientists ascribe the phenomenon to global warming. But Angus MacBeaver, top physicist with L.O.O.N., the super-secret intelligence arm of the R.C.M.P., sees in the catastrophe the machinations of the evil Dr. Caribeaux, crazed relativity theory-tinkerer and megalomaniac. Can MacBeaver stop him before the mad doctor sets his sights on a bigger target? Will the citizens of Saskatoon become helpless pawns in Caribeaux's plans for world domination?
3. A young woman, gradually detaching from reality, flees to Vancouver. A successful executive can no longer see himself. A lightly dressed tourist survives a mountain night by immersing himself in a hot spring. A sixty-eight year old woman encounters, on a nude beach, the woman who stole her sweetheart forty years earlier. From these seemingly innocuous plot lines, hilarity ensues.
4. Sara just couldn't be serious even though her lawyer boss warned her to appear solemn when clients were around. Now she's dead, and her boss has to discover which client couldn't stand a girl with zero gravity.
5. The heartwarming tale of a young boy's attempt to go through life with an unusual name. By the time Zero hits high school he's had enough of hanging from hooks, rooves and flagpoles and changes his name to Jim Smith. And then the real story begins...
6. The polar bears are disappearing from one small area of the Yukon. When Inuit physicist Billy Poller discovers that gravity in the area has been frozen out of existence in temperatures approaching absolute zero, and the polar bears are floating away into outer space, can he convince the Canadian government to fund a polar bear rescue? On the moon?
Late Nights on Air
1. Jay the Merman has spent nights on the Tiatanic, A week on the Andrea Doria, and a month on the Arizona. Now he's been offered a position as Jay Leno's sidekick. Can he spend late nights with Leno? Or will he need to grow a lung for that?
2. Produced in cooperation with the nation's leading rehab centers, this guide for recently-detoxed high-lifers demonstrates how a rich nightlife can still be enjoyed without the arsenal of stimulants, drugs and alcohol they formerly employed. Includes detailed listings of late-night lecture series and 24/7 museum tours.
3. Waterbeds are out and airbeds are in. Steve starts an airbed warehouse store but ends up spending a lot of late nights testing the beds out with various dates.
4. Dido and Harry are part of the cast of eccentric, loveable characters who form an unlikely group at a radio station in the Canadian North. On a canoe trip four of them make into the Arctic wilderness, they find the balance of love shifting, much as the balance of power in the North is being changed by the proposed Mackenzie Valley gas pipeline.
5. In the mid 22nd century, horror drug Ice has been replaced by the even more dangerous Air. Space Cop Barny Handlefield is sick of wiping the remains of Air victims off the flywalks. Shit, what did they think was going to happen when they took their face masks off? They were going to be able to breathe, or something?
Lauchlin of the Bad Heart
1. The fateful last words of Simon Anderson, "Adios Mi Corazon Lauchlin," ruins Calvin Armani's bid to become the 56th president of the United States on the Green Ticket.
2. Lauchlin always wanted to be on the football team, but his bad heart kept him from it. This is his memoir, writing in the style of the greatest literary fiction.
3. The tale of Snow White, told from the point of view of the soldier ordered to cut out her heart. These diaries, long thought to be lost, were preserved 'neath the floorboards of a tiny cottage in the Black Forest. The man could write. It's tragic that his life was cut short when the Evil Queen's personal chef reported to her that the heart could not possibly be Snow White's, because he had stolen it himself the night she turned seventeen.
4. In late 17th century Scotland, Prince Lauchlin is the ruler of a barren moor known as the Bad Heart. With only a few cows and crofters for neighbours, Lauchlin despairs of finding a wife. He widens his search to London - but is he ready for the big city? And is the big city ready for this red-bearded, bekilted highlander who walks his Highland cow through Hyde Park on a leash?
5. Lauchlin Maclean's attraction to a beautiful blind woman, the wife of a friend has awakened something buried deep within him. But others in the community are watching and waiting, for Lauchlin unknowingly has become entangled in a sinister plot of revenge. Now he must choose whether to trust in a heart that he has ignored for a long time.
6. Sir Lauchlin would have gone on the Crusade if not for his poor health. He can only win the love of the fair Wilhelmina, however, if he proves his manly prowess. Can he slay the dragon, or will a massive heart attack spell the end of the budding romance?
The Assassin’s Song
1. Attend the Tale of Stephen Wells, His manner wild, his eyebrows long. He planted a bullet in the brains of men, who never cut him off in line again. The bawdy tale of Stephen Wells. The singing hired gun of Sturbridge Dells.
2. Mel had an unusual gift for writing songs that put people to sleep--a sleep they never woke up from. A CEO of a major record company sees his frightening potential as an assassin.
3. After a night of debauchery, Mungo Fisk is accidentally elected to the post of Assassin to the Stars. This honorary position demands that he uncover a dirty secret in the past of as many Hollywood stars as possible. The only problem is, with so many dirty secrets out in the open, how's Mungo supposed to find any secrets that really are secret?
4. Karsan Dargawalla rejects his spiritual inheritance and heads for Harvard, against his father's wishes. Three decades of stubborn self-exile follow, ending when Karsan returns home to find his younger brother, Mansoor, involved in Islamist terrorist activities.
5. Paolo is an expert marksman, but a failure as an assassin once it becomes widely known that he always belts out two verses of "O Sole Mio" before pulling the trigger.
The Architects Are Here
1. Prompted by a near death experience involving a wayward billboard Gabriel English sets out on an impromptu road trip to Newfoundland, along the way encountering all manner of curious characters from his past including many familiar faces from the Canadian literary community.
2. The holiday party at Skidless Engineering is deadly dull, until Trish Quemble invites the guys from the neighboring office. The party is more fun once the architects are here, but civil engineer Bob Stickley isn't having a good time. Architect Chip Weathers has designs on the lovely Trish, but can Bob construct a solid romance before Chip gets off the drawing board?
3. When overnight, tawdry strip malls are transformed into elegant glass-and-steel emporiums, unimaginative tract houses into mini-Versailles and stark urban high-rises into gracefully-proportioned spires, the world holds its breath. A mysterious message from space summons world leaders to a conclave at the United Nations. There, a representative of a powerful yet benevolent interstellar race attempts to explain how his people have long since thrown off the shackles of crime, disease, warfare and cheap buildings.
4. Trish wanted the perfect house, so she invited three hunks who were also architects to a party. They were supposed to compete for the job, but they end up in competition for her heart instead.
5. Ruler bees, so called because their antennae are marked off in millimeters, are the result of a secret Pentagon weapons program gone awry. They escape into the wild and, knowing nothing of hive construction, hatch a plan to impersonate architects. They approach healthy colonies and present their phony credentials. The doorkeeper announces, "the architects are here" and is promptly killed by the intruders before she can ask, "Did anyone send for an architect? Why do we need an architect?"
6. Canada. The future. Clouds of ash hover over a devastated country. A few survivors huddle among rocks, dreading the coming winter and the never-ending fire storms, seemingly abandoned by the rest of the world. Only Bangladesh sends help, in the form of five recently graduated architects. Full of enthusiasm the architects set about rebuilding, using all their knowledge and ingenuity. Surely building houses that can withstand fire must be similar to building houses that can withstand flood?
Fake plots contributed by Dave F., Paul Penna, Deborah K. White, McKoala, Dick Margulis, and EE.
Correct Plots
3, 4, 5, 4, 1
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