Pete stopped talking long enough to hold four fingers up to the passing waitress and order. "Tsing Dao." She nodded and shuffled off to the bar. Beer fumes rattled up from Matt's stomach and filled his nose with the cloying smell of yeast.
"Listen Matt, really. You should just move over here. The place is a fucking goldmine; you can't fail to make a killing. Everyone I know here's raking it in." He leaned forward and crushed his cigarette into the ashtray. "I've a good mind to quit myself, set up a little business of my own. Tell him, Poppy."
Poppy told him. "It's easy to be rich man in Shanghai. Just need a little money."
Matt's head buzzed like an off-channel TV; it was getting harder to keep track of the conversation, and he'd lost count of how many beers they'd had. Craving salt, he reached for the cocktail snacks. His fingers, out of radio contact with his brain, caught the edge of the serving bowl and sent peanuts skittering across the table. Poppy looked at him and smiled.
The bar lights were turned down so low, Matt felt like a moth, drawn to the tea-light candle burning on the table in front of them. He was fascinated by the way it flickered in the draft, the way the smoky stickiness in his eyes painted an orange halo around the flame. He'd achieved a pleasant state of drunkenness, a moderate alcoholic high from where he could look down with disinterest at everything around him; from where things could only get worse.
The literary agency scam had worked for years, but Google was ruining everything. He had a garage full of manuscripts that suckers had paid him to represent, easy money while it lasted. If he moved to Shanghai, he could sell the manuscripts in China, keep the profit, and still not have to actually work for a living.
Matt sprinkled salt on his palm and licked it, wishing that he had a shot of tequila to go with it. "So I could use my real name. I wouldn't have to go by Robert Fletcher anymore?"
Poppy leaned over and whispered in his ear. "Chinese people, they think they buy Harry Potter book. You sell them shit from slush pile. Author never know. We make big money, Matt. You be big publisher."
Opening: ril.....Continuation: Anonymous
14 comments:
Unchosen Continuations::
Poppy turned to the silent man sitting with them. “You’re bitch is ready, Master Don.”
Sarah L.
“I’ve got a fellow who’s a first class cutter – a great surgeon. He’s had a little trouble and needs to stay on the down-low. I’ve got a little place all set-up so he can open a kind of clinic,” Iggy said.
“First class operation,” Poppy added.
“Poppy did most of the set-up … I just provided the cash.”
“And the location.”
“Yea, good one. No one looks hard into things in the five corners anymore. Cops are friendly with Mr. Franklin. So Matt, this is a fantastic opportunity. This guy’s first rate and we just need some legs to get going.”
“So – what’s Doc do? VD clinic?”
“Naw – much better. He makes people better. “
“And …”
“No – you don’t get it. Haven’t you ever wanted to be taller or have blue eyes or something? I mean, I always wanted to be taller.”
“Sure – I can run fast but I’ve got chicken arms. I’d like big ripped biceps. I hate going to the gym.”
“Well, Doc makes people better. He makes people taller or faster or stronger. No gym required. He used to do it in this posh clinic in Rio. Now he does it for rich people in our clinic – at least part of it.”
“Sounds good. Where do I come in?”
“Let’s go look at the clinic after this next beer. Like I said, we’ve got a gig all lined up. We have an opening for a smart guy with good legs to help us get going. That’s the opportunity.”
“Cool.” Matt burbled in drunken bliss.
Iggy looked over his beer at Poppy. Poppy smiled back and took a long drink himself.
‘Check !”
--A. Snarkling
Poppy smiled again. Pete slid an arm around her, whispering something into her ear. Poppy nodded.
Matt stared at her. There was something funny about her; something wrong. What was it? His fogged brain struggled to clear.
"Hello big man. Me love you lonng time."
Matt looked at his new companion, Grace. Grace..Poppy... they had--
Ohh God. They had Adam's apples and hairy chests.
--Khazar-khum
But they didn't. Not really. Poppy turned out to be an accounting clerk at the shared service center of a major MNC. Pete quit smoking and, coincidentally, was promoted to Division VP of Global Procurement. Matt had only the slightest hangover and caught his morning flight to Detroit via Tokyo with plenty of time to spare. His 32 slide powerpoint trip report was a hit with the Asia Pac management team.
International business: Leave your hopes and dreams at the check-in counter.
--Anon.
The inclusion of two possible protagonists in the first paragraph left me confused. If Matt is the protagonist, maybe put him in the first line, and bring up Pete in relation to him, not as a rival main character.
Also, I didn't know Poppy was there at first. There's a bit of a white room feel here--maybe fill in the setting a bit more.
Paragraphs four and five seem to be saying much the same thing. Perhaps it would be better to move the story along at this point.
I like this.
I feel that the 4th and 5th paragraphs say the same thing--Matt's getting drunk. They're also long paragraphs, slowing the process of getting to wherever we're going. Possible solutions:
Drop the last three sentences of p. 4 and replace them with p.5 (changing "Matt" to "he").
Or
Make the following the first paragraph:
Matt's head buzzed like an off-channel TV; it was getting harder to keep track of the conversation, and he'd lost count of how many beers they'd had. He'd achieved a pleasant state of drunkenness from where he could look down with disinterest at everything around him; from where things could only get worse.
That leaves the peanuts and candle as your last paragraph, a much briefer interruption of the conversation.
Not sure "rattled" is the best word in P. 1.
I like this opening.
I like beginning with dialog. The important part of this opening is Pete telling Matt to come to Shanghai. That's where I would start.
"Listen Matt, really...
...raking it in." Pete leaned forward...
...Tell him, Poppy."
Then you have a chance to have Matt's reply, even if it is his thoughts.
EE's opening paragraph would work for me. It presents Matt's state of mind.
The 4th and 5th paragraphs have a plethora (a surfeit, oodles) of nice scene setting words. You have to pick and choose the best phrase and let the others go. I struggle with this too. The words work so well but there are twice as many as you need. That means you have to delete those wonderful words. It's pain, agony, torture. I thought up that phrase, I gat if life on the page and NOW I have to delete it?
Paragraph #1 is problematic because Pete's beer burp is rude and uninteresting. "Tsing Dao" are the only two words you need to keep. If Pete appears later in the story, you can make him out to be a slob with belches.
And I'll only mention that a "Moth to a Flame" is a cliche.
One last comment: This
Craving salt, he reached for the cocktail snacks. His fingers, out of radio contact with his brain, caught the edge of the serving bowl and sent peanuts skittering across the table.
could be shorter, compacter:
Craving salt, he reached for the peanuts. His fingers, out of contact with his brain, sent the bowl skittering across the table.
You see, I associate cocktail snacks with Vienna Sausages. And I have a dirty mind rampaging with vivid thoughts.
Poppy, Matt and Pete order 4 beers? That's why my continuation had a 4th silent man. Who is the 4th beer for?
Lots of good comments already here. I think you've got a good start.
EE agrees with me! EE agrees with me!
*faints*
Excellent comments, thank you.
This is actually the opening to Chapter 3 (at the moment), not the first chapter. It didn't feel right and I knew I could use some impartial observance.
The "beer burp" was a last minute add to get Matt in the frame early. Clumsy. I wanted to start with Pete's Dialogue, but Matt is the MC, hence the confusion that Buffy saw. Before I messed with the first paragraph, Matt didn't get involved until P4 which I suspected would be whiplash inducing. Originally, the opening was:
"Tsing Dao." Pete held four fingers up to the passing waitress. She nodded and shuffled off to the bar. "Listen Matt, really..."
The suggestions to move things around a bit could well be the fix I'm looking for.
The fourth beer is for Poppy's friend who returns from the bathroom in a couple more paragraphs.
Thanks again, this is invaluable.
-ril
I agree with Buffy, and EE fixed it.
This is really good. I'd definitely read on. I'm so curious now what 'industry' they're talking about. I feel like I'm reading a book off the shelf. Good luck with this one, although you won't need it.
The continuation was really funny!!
Oh, yes. Should have said. The continuation was right on the nail.
It's amazing how many not-quite-Harry-Potters there are in circulation in that part of the world...
I really liked this. Great style, great sense of place and...use of the senses.
Hi ril,
This is really, really good-
wish I'd written these descriptions-
"His fingers, out of radio contact with his brain..." and
"The bar lights were turned down so low, Matt felt like a moth, drawn to the tea-light candle burning on the table in front of them."
I like wraparound, build-upon description if it's well done- and this is. I wouldn't change much, if anything, of this. Guess that's just personal taste.
If I was sitting in a bar with three other guys drinking beer, I would order a round as a round.
"Waitress, Tsing Dao all around." Or "Waitress, a round on me."
I don't think I've ever seen anyone waving four fingers.
And you don't need "She shuffled off to the bar..." Unless she draws an AK47 and shoots the bar patrons, a waitress getting four beers is what a waitress does. Now if she tap dances with sparklers and flaming batons...
Except for the sentence "Beer fumes rattled up from Matt's stomach and filled his nose with the cloying smell of yeast," I liked this too. Not my cup of tea, so I probably wouldn't have read on, but the writing is very good. I agree about the repetitiveness of the paragraphs. Trim just a little.
Thanks again, all, for your comments.
-ril
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