I don't know what the kid said, but it gets taken the wrong way. An oversized purple top hat is tossed down from an oversized, misshapen head. An ugly face rears and a table goes flying. His ribs crack, you can hear it over the band from half a room away. Before he can even fall a warped and warty fist slams into his face and leaving its impression.
Suddenly the good mood evaporates. Except for the two in the corner, everyone is trying to get out right now. There was a crush at the doors so the crowd splintered. A sizeable group followed the band backstage while the rest were still pushing each other into the door jam.
Some kid tries to get between that woman and her victim. She picks him up and throws him at the wall. His head and chest go through and he just hangs there like a big sign saying, Mr. Hyde's widow has come to town."
The menu has the usual selection of bar fare, with a particularly good Ploughman's Salad, and there is a different guest ale every month. Well worth a visit if you're ever in Merton.
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: ril
11 comments:
Unchosen Continuation:
"So what did you do?"
"Well I still shagged her, obviously. I'm mean I'm the one'd been buying her Barcardi and Cokes all night."
"Fantastic!"
"Nah, she was a six at best."
--anon
I just watch, open-mouthed, as the barman sighs and starts to clean up the mess. He looks at me and shrugs. "Things have really got edgy round here since they banned smoking inside," he says.
Mrs. Hyde asks me for a light. I decide not to argue.
--anon.
"Right," she shouts in a voice that could score tiles, and she hauls her self onto the bar. Peanuts crush to dust under her feet. "Is there anyone else in here would like to ask why we don't sell Miller Light?"
--anon.
I like this. I was stopped by Some kid tries to get between that woman and her victim. There's been no mention of a woman (except Linda), and it's not clear to me that there's only one perpetrator involved. For instance: Before he can even fall a warped and warty fist slams into his face and leaving its impression. It's not certain that the fist belongs to the same person who threw the table. Perhaps a big bar fight has broken out. (In fact, it would be difficult to throw a table at someone and still manage to punch him in the face before he fell.)
Instead of calling her "that woman" you could say "the hooligan." This suggests that there's but one person causing the uproar and the following pronoun reveals that it's a woman.
Continuations - fun!!
An oversized purple top hat is tossed down from an oversized, misshapen head. For whatever reason, I just loved that line. Maybe it's because I had visions of huge crania from a Looney Tunes cartoon. ;-)
Before he can even fall a warped and warty fist slams into his face and leaving its impression.
I think it should be "leaves" not "leaving."
"That woman" - who is this? You've only mentioned Linda, and she isn't with the narrator.
One last nitpick: The last sentence ends with a quotation mark; that needs to have a quotation mark before "Mr. Hyde."
I liked this. There's action/movement, and what sounds like an interesting narrator. I'd read on.
~Nancy
http://writerlystuff.blogspot.com
I agree with Nancy and EE. Nice tone, interesting start, good lines, and yet I had no idea who was punching who and how many were involved, nor if a "kid" is a grownup or a child.
Actually, I liked the "surprise! the bar brawler is a female!"
You don't need "suddenly" in"suddenly, the good mood evaporates."
And it might be better to say "another" kid gets between that woman and her victim.
It's still a surprise if you change "that woman" to the hooligan (or whatever). It's followed by the pronoun "her."
You don't need "suddenly" in"suddenly, the good mood evaporates."
Evaporation typically takes time, though. How about "...the good mood sublimates..."?
How about, "the mood is shattered."
Cool stuff; not sure about the present tense, but then, I never am sure about the present tense. I did get a bit confused about the kid, exactly as EE did.
BTW, I find ril's continuation funnier each time I scroll by. I suddenly want to go find the Lonely Planet guide for Merton. I here there's a hostel nearby that's reasonably clean for only about 8 quid a night.
The present tense isn't bothering me, though paragraph 3's last two sentences switch to past tense unnecessarily.
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