Guess the Plot
The Crown of Amaratia
1. Supermodel scuba spy Mae Wong tries to save Fiji in a deadly battle with the invasive spiny starfish known as "the Crown of Amaratia" -- but is it really alive? Or is it a plastic robot controlled by Ted Winters, diabolical henchman of the fiend who ate Minneapolis?
2. Billy Jo Bean found the crown while she was cleaning the diner on Friday night. She took it home and put it on Tommy Jack with no idea the terrier might stand up on his hind legs and ask for a copy of Leaves of Grass and a smoking jacket. Now they're investing in Wall Street and planning a trip to Barstow. Will her parents approve?
3. Prince Wendell makes a crown of leaves and flowers to test the virtue of potential brides. If they choose the golden crown or the silver crown -- off with their heads! The result is tragic. After the massacre, he throws all three crowns away and takes a vow of celibacy. Next morning, as he rides a donkey toward the monastery, he sees a homely scullery wench wearing the flower crown. Is she the one? Or is it too late?
4. Entrusted with choosing the next king of the Amaratian Empire, the Prophet chooses Adelbrand's younger brother. But Adelbrand trades his soul for the throne. The Prophet retrieves the soul from the Underworld and then disposes of Adelbrand, and all is right with the world. Or is it? Where are the Half-Elves?
5. Museum director Melinda Tishton has a problem: the celebrated Crown of Amaratia, has vanished right before the opening of the special Amaratian exhibit. Can hunky detective Dirk Nadder help save the day, the museum's reputation . . . and Melinda's heart?
6. Anita Benn is an artist specializing in high-speed photography. Her series of liquid crowns formed by milk droplets is world famous. Looking for something different, she picks up the bottle of Amaratia di Sorrento she bought on her last vacation; vile taste, great colors. But when she develops the film, she sees something within the crown that challenges everything she knows about reality.
Original Version
Dear Agent,
The Prophet doesn't like the Amaratian Empire. In his mind, they're the ones who stole his past from him (quite literally, as he doesn't know anything about who he is) and forced him to live on a mountain to guard its future. [The mountain's future?]
Unfortunately for him, he's duty bound to the land, so when its king comes to him for help after being blackmailed into abdication, he has no choice. He heads to Amaratia's capital to name the next king.
[King: I'm abdicating the throne.
Adviser: But who will rule the empire, Majesty?
King: This decision will decide the future of us all. It should be made by . . . the Prophet!
Adviser: The Prophet?
King: He's this guy who lives on a mountain and doesn't even know who he is.
Adviser: Yes, we must consult the Prophet.]
And instead of naming the eldest prince, Adelbrand, as the king, he passes the throne on to the youngest prince, supported solely by the [belief that the empire would be a laughingstock if it had a king named Adelbrand.] book written by Fate herself. [Why don't the people just use this book by Fate herself to decide the next king, instead of seeking out the Prophet, who uses the book anyway?]
The only people who could be willing to ally themselves with the Prophet against Adelbrand (who seizes the throne even though he's warned that it could tear Amaratia apart at the seams) are the Half-Elves, [What's the half that isn't elf?] but they've moved on in search of prosperity. After a fruitless search in the desert that turns up a lost kingdom and almost ends up killing him and his companions several times, the Prophet decides to head back to the capital in hopes that he'll find support in the ranks of the nobles. [The Half-Elves are gone, the search is fruitless, the Prophet survives . . . In short, nothing happens. We can do without this paragraph.]
However, Adelbrand doesn't just have the support of the people behind him; he also has the support of [Poodleweiss,] one of the most powerful deities. After trading his soul for the Amaratian throne, it seems that he is unstoppable. [Unstoppable in his quest to do what? Is he out to destroy the empire? If he's a bad guy, why are the people and the nobles and Poodleweiss all on his side?] Nevertheless, the Prophet elects to go down to the Underworld to retrieve it.
He manages to retrieve said soul, but only after completing a holy obstacle course involving an endless pit, [How do you get out of an endless pit?] demons, a volcano, and many vows never to get involved Amaratia again. The ex-king is disposed of, [Which ex-king? The one who asked for the Prophet's help, or Adelbrand? And what do you mean "disposed of"? You bring Adelbrand his lost soul only to dispose of him? If you had the power to dispose of him, you could have disposed of him without enduring the pit of despair and the volcano and the demons.] his brother rightfully takes the throne, and all seems to be well in the land. For now, anyway.
The Crown of Amaratia is a fantasy novel and the first of the Prophecy Trilogy. It is complete at 80,000 words. I await your reply.
All the best,
Notes
Who blackmailed the king? Adelbrand?
If you're blackmailing the king into abdicating, wouldn't you also blackmail him into naming you the new king? You've got something on the king so damning that he's willing to give up the throne but he balks at letting you take over?
Shouldn't the Amaratian Empire have an emperor instead of a king?
When you go to the Underworld to retrieve a soul, what's the procedure? Just ask Poodleweiss for it? What if he says No? Even if you get the soul, and return it to its rightful owner, Adelbrand wasn't so hot with a soul, as he was willing to give it up for the throne.
Is the book by Fate the standard means of choosing a leader? The people don't seem to have any respect for it. Or for the Prophet. They're all on Adelbrand's side (except, possibly, the Half-Elves) Apparently they don't think he's such a bad guy. Everyone is in favor of Adelbrand taking over, yet when the Prophet returns from the Underworld, he's able to dispose of Adelbrand? Where are Adelbrand's allies and armies now?
The Crown of Amaratia
1. Supermodel scuba spy Mae Wong tries to save Fiji in a deadly battle with the invasive spiny starfish known as "the Crown of Amaratia" -- but is it really alive? Or is it a plastic robot controlled by Ted Winters, diabolical henchman of the fiend who ate Minneapolis?
2. Billy Jo Bean found the crown while she was cleaning the diner on Friday night. She took it home and put it on Tommy Jack with no idea the terrier might stand up on his hind legs and ask for a copy of Leaves of Grass and a smoking jacket. Now they're investing in Wall Street and planning a trip to Barstow. Will her parents approve?
3. Prince Wendell makes a crown of leaves and flowers to test the virtue of potential brides. If they choose the golden crown or the silver crown -- off with their heads! The result is tragic. After the massacre, he throws all three crowns away and takes a vow of celibacy. Next morning, as he rides a donkey toward the monastery, he sees a homely scullery wench wearing the flower crown. Is she the one? Or is it too late?
4. Entrusted with choosing the next king of the Amaratian Empire, the Prophet chooses Adelbrand's younger brother. But Adelbrand trades his soul for the throne. The Prophet retrieves the soul from the Underworld and then disposes of Adelbrand, and all is right with the world. Or is it? Where are the Half-Elves?
5. Museum director Melinda Tishton has a problem: the celebrated Crown of Amaratia, has vanished right before the opening of the special Amaratian exhibit. Can hunky detective Dirk Nadder help save the day, the museum's reputation . . . and Melinda's heart?
6. Anita Benn is an artist specializing in high-speed photography. Her series of liquid crowns formed by milk droplets is world famous. Looking for something different, she picks up the bottle of Amaratia di Sorrento she bought on her last vacation; vile taste, great colors. But when she develops the film, she sees something within the crown that challenges everything she knows about reality.
Original Version
Dear Agent,
The Prophet doesn't like the Amaratian Empire. In his mind, they're the ones who stole his past from him (quite literally, as he doesn't know anything about who he is) and forced him to live on a mountain to guard its future. [The mountain's future?]
Unfortunately for him, he's duty bound to the land, so when its king comes to him for help after being blackmailed into abdication, he has no choice. He heads to Amaratia's capital to name the next king.
[King: I'm abdicating the throne.
Adviser: But who will rule the empire, Majesty?
King: This decision will decide the future of us all. It should be made by . . . the Prophet!
Adviser: The Prophet?
King: He's this guy who lives on a mountain and doesn't even know who he is.
Adviser: Yes, we must consult the Prophet.]
And instead of naming the eldest prince, Adelbrand, as the king, he passes the throne on to the youngest prince, supported solely by the [belief that the empire would be a laughingstock if it had a king named Adelbrand.] book written by Fate herself. [Why don't the people just use this book by Fate herself to decide the next king, instead of seeking out the Prophet, who uses the book anyway?]
The only people who could be willing to ally themselves with the Prophet against Adelbrand (who seizes the throne even though he's warned that it could tear Amaratia apart at the seams) are the Half-Elves, [What's the half that isn't elf?] but they've moved on in search of prosperity. After a fruitless search in the desert that turns up a lost kingdom and almost ends up killing him and his companions several times, the Prophet decides to head back to the capital in hopes that he'll find support in the ranks of the nobles. [The Half-Elves are gone, the search is fruitless, the Prophet survives . . . In short, nothing happens. We can do without this paragraph.]
However, Adelbrand doesn't just have the support of the people behind him; he also has the support of [Poodleweiss,] one of the most powerful deities. After trading his soul for the Amaratian throne, it seems that he is unstoppable. [Unstoppable in his quest to do what? Is he out to destroy the empire? If he's a bad guy, why are the people and the nobles and Poodleweiss all on his side?] Nevertheless, the Prophet elects to go down to the Underworld to retrieve it.
He manages to retrieve said soul, but only after completing a holy obstacle course involving an endless pit, [How do you get out of an endless pit?] demons, a volcano, and many vows never to get involved Amaratia again. The ex-king is disposed of, [Which ex-king? The one who asked for the Prophet's help, or Adelbrand? And what do you mean "disposed of"? You bring Adelbrand his lost soul only to dispose of him? If you had the power to dispose of him, you could have disposed of him without enduring the pit of despair and the volcano and the demons.] his brother rightfully takes the throne, and all seems to be well in the land. For now, anyway.
The Crown of Amaratia is a fantasy novel and the first of the Prophecy Trilogy. It is complete at 80,000 words. I await your reply.
All the best,
Notes
Who blackmailed the king? Adelbrand?
If you're blackmailing the king into abdicating, wouldn't you also blackmail him into naming you the new king? You've got something on the king so damning that he's willing to give up the throne but he balks at letting you take over?
Shouldn't the Amaratian Empire have an emperor instead of a king?
When you go to the Underworld to retrieve a soul, what's the procedure? Just ask Poodleweiss for it? What if he says No? Even if you get the soul, and return it to its rightful owner, Adelbrand wasn't so hot with a soul, as he was willing to give it up for the throne.
Is the book by Fate the standard means of choosing a leader? The people don't seem to have any respect for it. Or for the Prophet. They're all on Adelbrand's side (except, possibly, the Half-Elves) Apparently they don't think he's such a bad guy. Everyone is in favor of Adelbrand taking over, yet when the Prophet returns from the Underworld, he's able to dispose of Adelbrand? Where are Adelbrand's allies and armies now?
6 comments:
The individual sentences are good - well structured and interesting.
Is the Prophet the main character? It seems like he is. And in trying to stick with him as your MC, it also seems like you're giving the other characters very little attention. Which should be fine except that a lot seems to happen around Adelbrand.
There are other characters who are introduced in an off-hand way and nothing is done with them - like the Half-Elves. If they are important enough to the story to be mentioned in the query, it would be nice to know why.
Mostly, I was confused. And it's too early on a Monday morning to try and read between the lines.
Why is the Prophet the one doing all this soul-chasing and fighting? Isn't he supposed to be forced to stay on the mountain? Why does he care who takes the throne, when he doesn't even know who he is? I mean, the people came to him and asked who their king should be, and he told them. Shouldn't that be the end of his involvement?
Yeah, that needs to be either more logical and serious or more zany and fun.
Now they're investing in Wall Street and planning a trip to Barstow.
She gonna do the Route 66 thing?
Sorry. Couldn't resist. ;-)
The Prophet doesn't like the Amaratian Empire. In his mind, they're the ones who stole his past from him (quite literally, as he doesn't know anything about who he is) and forced him to live on a mountain to guard its future.
Okay, we have a dude who's got amnesia and goes by the name The Prophet, and he's guarding a mountain? Author, I don't mind the amnesia-induced dude, but I think you meant something different here than a guy s guarding a mountain.
Please tell me I'm right.
Anyway, he's guarding the Amaratian Empire from something. What is it?
Then you go off and tell us The Prophet is asked by an abdicating king to choose the next king...why? I don't see why The Prophet has to choose the next king. "He's bound to the land" isn't working for me. Is he bound by some proclamation or something else?
The eldest prince's name is Adelbrand. I think you should change this, because the first thing I thought of was Addle-Brained (sorry). Unless, of course, he really is that way. (Is that why the abdicated/ing king is asking The Prophet for help? Because he doesn't want his addle-brained oldest son to be the next king?)
Further question: Why doesn't the king just give it to his youngest son, then? Why bother bringing in The Prophet at all?
I'm sorry, author, to be asking all these questions. It could just be that my brain is a bit addled this morning, or it's all mush or something. But this is just too confusing for me to try to figure out what the heck is going on.
My suggestion is to come up with one sentence as to what your story is about. (Not that easy, 'tis true.) Then expand on it, gradually adding stuff in. Delete anything that detracts from the main thrust of the story.
Good luck with this.
A prophet has to prophesize something. At worst, the Prophet interprets the Book of Fate. It's not exactly foreseeing the future, it's interpreting the words already written. But even then, if the Book of Fate predicts a meeting between two men, does it predict the outcome, the consequences?
Let's try this: I predict that in the next few days Bush will meet Gore and that naked women will dance around them during the meeting. their dance will be so inspirational that Gore will renounce the environment and Bush will speak plain, flawless English.
Well, fat chance of that happening, but it's a prophecy based on the writings in MY Book of Fate - Bush will meet Gore in the next month. hi, how-are-ya, shake his hand... But the consequences will be so mundane that paint drying will be televised as fun.
So a "prophet" is not the guardian of anything other than his interpretations. And the consequences of those interpretations are important.
Orpheus descending into the Underworld to save Eurydice is not prophecy. It is an act.
Your query is confusing us.
Now everyone open up your hymn books to page 244 and sing along:
Hail Poodleweiss
He is so very nice
He cut the cake of prophecy
And I got the biggest slice...
Seriously, though this reads more like a synopsis than a query letter. A query letter, to my understanding, is supposed to provide an enticing plot description and pertinent information such as genre, word count, and so on.
But there are so many parts of this that don't seem pertinent (what's the purpose of the half-elves?) or enticing (political descriptions of who's on what side.) The query is supposed to be more of a preview than a plot synopsis. Imagine seeing a preview for the first Lord of the Rings movie that went into great detail about the shire, the elven kingdom, the mountains, and so on. It'd be at least five minutes long!
Post a Comment