Face-Lift 76

Guess the Plot

The Mommy Club

1. When a ragtag, fugitive gang of diaper-clad, daycare delinquents crawls into a rural small town and suffocates the sheriff under bloody binkies, only one woman can stop them from suckling the town dry. She walks tall and carries a big stick--the Mommy Club.

2. A new mother learns of a disturbing tradition passed down through the generations of her family, an object used for disciplinary purposes.

3. The bludgeons peddled by the mysterious stranger are being snapped up quicker than Volvo SUVs by the young mother crowd, but are the results too good to be true?

4. After moving to the quaint little cul de sac of Meandering Trail--part Desperate Housewives, part Stepford Wives--Molly realizes that not getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen . . . Her neighbors are.

5. When zombies invade a day-care center, only one person has any hope of stopping them: single mom Angela Pape and her mystical baseball bat.

6. Twenty years after forming a club to find babysitting jobs, Kristy, Claudia and Mary-Anne decide it's time to farm their own kids off on a new generation of teenagers in order to have some quality "me" time.


Original Version

My husband and I have not had sex for almost 4 months. [Are you coming on to Evil Editor?] And frankly, I don't miss it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he is a wonderful lover. It all just seems so.pointless. [When you consider that the sun will go nova some day, everything seems pointless.]

I spent my late teens and twenties avoiding pregnancy, after all it was part of the thrill. You know the "oh-my-god-my-period-is-an-hour-late" dilemma or the ever-famous "did-the-condom-break-and-he-didn't-tell-me ?" There was great relief and rejoicing when months end brought my period right on schedule, but also a little excitement in having beat the odds. [Could we get to the query letter part? Evil Editor is getting a little uncomfortable with the conversation.]

I am sure that most people would think I was crazy, but I think its true. Now sex is no great challenge. I am married, I am an adult, I am allowed to have sex - yet somehow it does not hold the same appeal. [On the other hand, think how great it feels to get it out of the way, so you don't have to suffer through it again for another four months.]

I am not crazy, I assure you. But they crazy thing is, I am trying to get pregnant. Really. And yes I know all about the birds and the bees; it takes two to tango and all the other references to baby making. Which may or may not be true but we will talk about that later. Bottom line is I know you gotta do a lot of baking if you want a bun in the oven. [Last time we did a query about pregnancy, Evil Editor was bombarded with comments from women who didn't even turn the oven on, and got bunned.]

The fact that we have been trying for over two years is definitely part of the problem. I say "trying" because rather than have sex everyday everyway trying not to get pregnant, our mating ritual involves Dr's visits, temperature charting, cervical mucus inspection, ovulation predicator kits and carefully planned at-the-specific-right-moment uneventful, missionary position sex. Forget the love.forget the spark.but don't forget the lubricant. It can get really ugly. [The query letter itself is getting a bit yucky.]

But I guess, maybe I should just start at the beginning... [That was part of the query, right? Maybe a "Dear Editor," at the beginning is in order; you wouldn't want an editor to think you accidentally put the wrong letter in the envelope.] Even before her first date with Marc, Molly had already planned their future together and it included 2.5 children. [It also included Marc changing the "c" to a "k."] Unfortunately, just over two years later it wasn't working out as planned. [They were still 1.75 children short.] When a sudden job transfer lands them on the quaint little cul de sac of Meandering Trail, part Desperate Housewives part Stepford Wives, Molly realizes that not getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen. Her neighbors are. [They drug her and impregnate her with the seed of Satan.]

The Mommy Club is a humorous look at the world of infertility from the inside. [It's told from the point of view of Molly's ovaries.] In struggling with infertility for many years before the birth of my son, one thing that kept me going was humor. Please let me know if you have any questions or are interested in receiving the complete manuscript.


Revised Version

Even before her first date with Marc, Molly had planned their future together and it included 2.5 children. Unfortunately, two years have passed since their wedding, and her plan is not bearing fruit. Not even the half-child has arrived.

Molly is miserable. She wants children in the worst way. But when a job transfer lands her and Marc on the quaint little cul de sac of Meandering Trail, part Desperate Housewives part Stepford Wives, she realizes that not getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen . . . Her neighbors are.

Half of Molly's new neighbors have babies, which they're constantly parading up and down the street. And the older neighbors are always asking her when she's going to have children. Just when Molly most needs support, it seems everyone is trying to make her lose control and just scream.

The Mommy Club is a humorous look at the world of infertility from the inside. In struggling with infertility for many years before the birth of my son (doctor visits, temperature charting, cervical mucus inspection, ovulation predictor kits, I could go on and on), one thing that kept me going was humor. Please let me know if you have any questions or are interested in receiving the complete manuscript.


Notes

The opening paragraphs are attention-grabbing, but they aren't working. It's not clear, even with the italics, that it's the viewpoint of the character. Especially when the query switches from first person to third. Plus, the book is humorous; the first part of the query is depressing.

Obviously the third paragraph of Evil Editor's Version is a guess. Substitute whatever it is that's making her neighbors the problem.