Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Next Line 24

“I can give you something that will warm you up and make you forget all about the cold, if you want,” Cross said quietly, watching me as we sat down.

“I’m always for something warm.” I looked at Cross. Nothing seemed to be happening. “Where is it? Don’t promise me something you don’t have.”

“Look down,” he said, turning his chair to sit directly in front of me, spreading his legs wide and closing them again as he drew his chair closer, so my legs were pressed between his.

The last clear memories I have of that night were the look and smell of Cross’s hands. He opened one hand for me as if he was showing me a magic trick hidden inside, and I saw a tiny fold of paper in his palm. With the tips of the fingers of his other hand, he picked up a small square and held it to my lips. I could smell his fingers as they brushed my skin. They smelled like soap. They were warm; they were long and soft and slender, and very pale.

“Open up for me. I promise you this will make you feel good.” And I opened up for him, and I took the paper on the center of my tongue, like the body of Christ at communion.

He held it there a moment--I shivered--and then he removed it. The taste was familiar, though I couldn't place it.

"Thanks," he said, pressing the square onto the corner of an envelope, "I need to get this query out before the last mail collection."

Dialogue: Robin Sinott.....The Next Line: Anonymous


Xenith said...

I like this bit of conversation.

The only thing I'd change is where you have he said, turning his chair to sit directly in front of me is get rid of the 'said' and make it He turned his chair to sit directly in front of me It makes the sentence and gets rid of the repetition that is starting in the sentence with the -ing words.

And move the attribution for the first linelogue closer to the start of the dialogue so the speaker & mode of speaking are apparent before the end of the lines.

This is getting into more detail than usual :) I find it's little things that we often overlook that can add a bit sparkle to dialogue

Wonderwood said...

LMAO! That was an awesome continuation. Anonymous, you need to take credit.

Robin, I liked this. Excellent imagery. Observation: the third paragraph slowed down the scene, I think you could whack most of it and improve the flow. I found the dialogue to be realistic and interesting. Good job!

a word's worth said...

XLN! I was starting to get, aw, you know, excited. "Open up for me" was quite powerful, I thought.

. . . so my legs were pressed

I would suggest "thighs"

Nice continuation, but who licks stamps anymore?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, you need to take credit.

OK, I admit it: it was me.

Dave said...

This has great possiblities for being hot and sexy.

GutterBall said...

WW: Anonymous, you need to take credit.

Anon: OK, I admit it: it was me.

Ha! Nicely done.

Interesting dialogue. There was something of a hiccup in that third paragraph, but a little trimming will fix it nicely. Try reading it aloud to catch the bump. Works almost every time.

McKoala said...

I'm thinking that we're all better at dialogue than at opening pages! This read well, I thought. Great continuation.

Robin S. said...


Thanks for your comments, guys. Looks like the third paragraph may be problematic in some way. You're right gutterball, I'll read it aloud to see what happens. I agree that works really well.

This is a scene from the center of a chapter in roughly the center of the book I've written. I haven't looked at this chapter in several months, so it's good to get a feeling from you all for how well it works and where it doesn't, as I'm now rereading it, making changes, etc., before sending it out.

Hi Dave - glad you thought this was on the way to being hot and sexy. What's life without a little hot sex, that's what I always say...or ask.

Hi Anon, loved the continuation! Maybe the stamps are forever stamps?

Bernita said...

Except for the minor awkwardness already mentioned, this is very good.