Monday, April 23, 2007

New Beginning 265

My husband is a saint. Well, he’s not really a saint, ‘cause if he was, he’d bore the crap out of me, but still, he has his saint-like moments. Currently he’s a candidate for sainthood ‘cause he’s staying home with our kids so I can spend a long weekend in New York City in mid-May with a friend of mine. We’re having lunch in Manhattan on a Friday to start things off.

My point is this – aside from sainthood status, I know down to my soul, among other places, that a well-hung, wicked-fun sense of humor and a well-developed intelligence are the two things that matter most about a man. Without them you get really bored, really fast. I know I did. Before.

All right, yeah, there’s a triumvirate of the opposite-of-evil that’s really going on, a third leg of the ruling stool, as it were, and if the leg you happen to be rooming with is nice and sturdy and really useful, congratulations. You’ve won the three-leg-ged prize. In fact, if the dick itself is your most pressing passion, the thing that matters most to you – well then, I say just hand-pick a dildo and have at it.

But you’re gonna miss out on the other two legs, and the almost-sainthood part, and they’re really good stuff. Almost-sainthood is the fourth leg of the stool, really. It’s the leg that’s easy not to pay attention to, until you find yourself falling backwards on your ass. I know I did. Before.


"Er . . . No, actually I'm new here, ma'am. Uh . . . Paper or plastic?"

Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Anonymous


writtenwyrdd said...

I'm sorry, but this is just too coy for me. You keep hinting at things that have occurred, as well as the size of the saint-to-be's, er, manhood...but you don't come out and say anything. That just doesn't draw me in; it irritates the heck out of me.

That said, you have an interesting voice.

Rei said...

I agree with writtenwyrdd. I'd also like to add that the continuation is one of my favorites. :)

CSInman said...

If this was a first page of a book, I would put it back on the shelf. I have to agree with writtenwyrdd. You have a great voice, but you got a little too clever with it and forgot to tell us what you were talking about--there's just the talking.

To catch my attention, you'd need to give me less meandering about sainthood and the importance of male genitalia. The good news is, most stories have a better beginning buried later than page one. I suggest you look for that when you edit--cut off this first part where you were finding your voice and start where it gets strong. Good luck!

foggidawn said...

This lost me in the third paragraph. I think it was the extended metaphor that did it. Still, as writtenwyrdd said, you do have an interesting voice.

BuffySquirrel said...

I'm sorry, is this the 1970s? A man's a saint for taking care of his own children? Words fail me.

Robin S. said...

Hi Buffy,

The thing is, the guy is keeping the kids while his wife goes on a three-day party weekend with her friend. In my house, NOBODY goes on a three-day party weekend without the other's stamp of approval, because the stay at home for the weekend parent, regardless of gender, is gonna bear the brunt of the handing-out-money-like-lollipops and the driving all over hell's half-acre good times. It's not a gender issue, it's just a parenting issue. We go one for one in my family - I get a weekend, he gets a weekend, etc. Except I always get to go first.

This continuation is one of the best I've seen.

sylvia said...

I have to agree, I found myself frustrated rather than intrigued. The continuation made me laugh aloud.

pacatrue said...

The extended discussion of the importance of the man's genitalia eventually wore on me. It would be like an entertaining discussion by a straight male character where he just kept talking about the merits and limits of a tight vagina. Even when he's saying there are other things to value about a woman, you eventually walk away, because it's already clear that women do have other virtues other than the pleasant fit of their groin with yours, and it doesn't need to be argued for too long.

I agree with robin s. that taking care of children for extended periods of times is a very kind thing to do. I am getting swamped with work lately, and my wife has very kindly been taking care of our children 2-3 nights a week by herself until I get caught up. It is something worth noting about a person, even if it is expected of a good partner.

BuffySquirrel said...

Sure, robin, but that sounds like a reasonable working arrangement, not, yanno, sainthood....

Now something along the lines of "this month it's my husband's turn to be the saint" would work in that scenario.

Wonderwood said...

I'm still laughing at the continuation! I liked the voice in the opening, like everyone else, and I agree the dick metaphor could be given a circumscision...

McKoala said...

Good voice, but a bit too rambling for me. I drifted away...but the continuation snapped me back. Brilliant.

December Quinn said...

What? A stool? But what's happening?

Lost me. I wouldn't keep reading.

takoda said...

I have to disagree with Robin S. and Pacatrue--sorry! The sainthood remark turned me off. I mean, we all have to do what we have to do, and part of that is taking care of each other. To me, it's called be kind and sensitive, but not saintly.

That said, I liked the voice, but agreed the metaphor went on too long.

Good luck with your story!


Bernita said...

I agree with the others.
Good voice. But.

Anonymous said...

I was expecting a surprise to follow the praise for Sainted Husband: I love the big lunk and his saintly hubbiness, and after my lover and I murder him on Monday, after our dirty weekend, he'll get the best funeral his insurance money can buy. Something like that.

I'd read that up with a spoon.


Dan said...

Somewhere you got me cracking a smile, I think it was the "hand-pick a dildo and have at it" line I liked. But I was a little confused at a few places:

1. "All right, yeah, there’s a triumvirate of the opposite-of-evil that’s really going on, a third leg of the ruling stool, as it were, and..." -- I'm sorry, I had no idea what you were saying the first few times I read over this sentence. I tried translating it into "a threesome of goodness"? [shrug]

2. "I know down to my soul, among other places, that a well-hung, wicked-fun sense of humor and a well-developed intelligence are the two things that matter most about a man." -- The two things are a) a well hung, wicked-fun sense of humor and b) a well-developed intelligence? There is something very confusing about this sentence. It's the "well-hung" that threw me off, I think, cos I wasn't sure how it could apply to a sense of humor. If you mean he's playful in bed, this is a confusing way to say it. Overall something about the sentence itself is off -- missing comma or something?

Lastly, I wondered if your second sentence might read better as follows: "Well, he’s not really a saint--if he was he’d bore the crap out of me--but still he has his saint-like moments." In my version, you could also cut the "but". Also, you could, in either this version or your version, cut out "saint-like". I think saying just "he has his moments" gets the same meaning across and spares you a compound adj.

Saipan Writer said...

LOL at the continuation. This is one of the best yet.

I liked the first paragraph. I'm not bothered by the "sainthood" at all. I think it's funny.

But the rest of it just made me tired. So what?

You've jumped into backstory (or meditation?) instead of moving forward. What's going to happen in Manhattan after lunch? That's what I want to know.

I agree with anon at 12:40 PM--if you headed into pulp after that first paragraph, I might want to keep reading! Give me something to says this is a story, not just a reflection on all things male.

Robin S. said...


Being a very much LAPSED Catholic, you’d think I’d have gotten over guilt by now, but no. In my mind, I should have owned up to this little piece being mine by now. I thought it would be fun to pull a “Dave” and post this anonymously. But he always ends up telling on himself, so I guess I will as well.

I just saw there were some recent posts on this little piece, and thanks for your comments, Dan and Saipan Writer. And for the earlier ones, as well, guys.

When EE popped up with his “we need everything” message a few days ago, I had this thing (this thing, the thing posted here) I’d written - I’d been thinking about it because of the comments made on Face-Lifts 311 and 315 – kind of worlds colliding points of view – on what is and isn’t “appealing”. I sent it in because I am a compulsive helper – (need openings? Oh. OK.) And because I was thinking it might be the beginning of something I’d do, although I wasn’t sure quite what it was.

Dan, glad you liked the “hand-picked” line. I just wrote this piece because I thought it was funny, and because I like to play with the rhythm and the sound of words when I’m writing. I also agree with what I said (big surprise). And, by the way, apparently I didn’t make my point very well – my point was that a man’s “build”, so to speak, isn’t as important as the build of the man it’s attached to – his humor, intelligence, and his “almost-saintlike” qualities. So – your points are taken, and thanks.

Saipan, I’m going to NYC in mid-May, just as I said I was, with a friend, to see a show, go to a couple of bars, one of which sounds like a throwback to the Soviet Union. We really are having lunch on a Friday in Manhattan, at one of those places where they ask you, when you call for reservations, if you’d like to mention the company/firm you’re with. I think that’s funny, too.