"Hey, new kid! Catch!"
Maggie Reid spun and grunted as the football smacked her in the chest. Reacting on instinct alone, she wrapped her arms around the ball and ran, dodging like crazy and heading for the end zone.
I can make it. I can make it!
THUMP!
Her ears rang with the impact as a defender knocked her to the ground, his heavier mass crushing the air from her lungs. Her head rebounded off the turf, and she grunted again. Then the weight was gone and she sucked in a painful draught of blessed air, choking on it and rolling limply to her back.
"Geez, Pete! Easy! Touch football means no tackles."
"Hey, new kid. You okay?"
"She's tough. She'll be fine."
"She was gonna score. I had to stop her somehow."
Blinking up at the ring of concerned and amused masculine faces hovering above her, Maggie focused on the single sheepish one. Pete. Pete had tackled her.
She clenched her fist and slammed it as hard as she could into Pete's groin. A collective groan ran through the little crowd as Pete collapsed to the ground, rolling around like a beetle who's fallen on its back.
Maggie stood up and tossed the football to Pete. "It doesn't look like you'll be scoring for a while either," she told him.
Opening: Gutterball.....Continuation: Pacatrue
8 comments:
This opening is fun. I like it.
I wonder if "I can make it. I can make it!" could be italicized, to show that it's internalized dialogue. (It may already have been done this way, and it just didn't translate to the blogger deal - I don't know.)
Love the continuation! Pacatrue, looks like you're giving ril a run for the money.
Also love the editor in his football outfit.
It was italicized, Robin, but both Gmail and Blogger suck. Sorry!
And before anyone says anything, yes, I do write stories that aren't about football. I'm sure I have one somewhere.
I'm not much for football stories, but this was a great opening. Engaging, easy to read and enough hooks to make me want to read on. I was intrigued by the fact that we have a girl playing football and by the "new kid" references, and I'm pretty curious why Pete tackled her in a touch football game.
The continuation made me laugh out loud.
The whole thing, intro, continuation and EE is a treat.
Nice beginning. I pretty much have nothing to add to what amyb said. Loved the continuation!
Great job Gutterball! I really like this opening. I'd definitely keep reading!
Also a great job on the continuation, Paca. Nice work all the way around.
Nice opening; lots of things to follow up on. Only one quibble 'heavier mass' sounded like something you'd hear in a physics lesson, maybe something more colloquial?
And another score for Paca! Or 'true.
Hi Gutterball--Loved the opening!! Nice pace, tightly written--I'd read on.
I know this is just for fun, but I didn't go for the continuation. The MC didn't seem angry, so the punch came out of nowhere. It didn't work for me. It was too slapstick. But on its own, the continuation itself was a fun read (anyone care to write a different opening to Paca's continuation?)
Fun!!
EE--Thanks for posting kid's lit!
Cheers
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