Sunday, February 04, 2007

Oscar Awards Guess the Plot 1

Little Miss Sunshine

1. In the early 1990s, entrepreneur Roger Brisbane, embarrassed by the widely publicized scandals of the coke-snorting, sex tape-making whores who usually win his beauty contests, quits the adult pageant business and decides to try the pre-teen pageant circuit in peaceful Boulder, Colorado. After a few months of resettling, life is good. Sure, those Ramseys are a pain in the ass, but it’s not like they cause any real trouble.

2. When a terrorist band in Afghanistan happens upon a war-orphaned six-year-old, they bring her back to their cave and raise her as their own, eventually seeing the error of their ways as the child brings love and meaning into their lives.

3. HD 142022 has grown accustomed to her humdrum life: rotate every 12.5 days, maintain her heliosheath, the usual. But when a class A9 IV swings into her neighborhood, will opposites attract, or is that 7,390 kelvin surface temperature only corona-deep?

4. Ever jealous of the Fantastic Four, four evildoers decide to create their own group of superpowers. When Hard Mr. Rain, Loud Mr. Thunder, Big Mr. Hurricane and Fast Mr. Tornado get together, only Little Miss Sunshine stands between them and world destruction.

5. Mutant zombie cows from the planet Maybley invade the tiny village of Sunshine, Nebraska on the day that Emmeline, daughter of the Mish-Nand king, dies. Do they bring resurrection or merely salvation?

6. A teenager gets more than she bargains for when she starts an Internet porn web site, calling herself "Little Miss Sunshine." How could she have expected the vampire Mortada to be so intrigued by a lady of the night with such a name?

7. A gay Proust scholar, a drug addict, a Nietzsche follower, a chain smoker and an inept motivational speaker cram into a VW bus to transport little Olive cross-country to the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant. Hilarity ensues.

8. Between bone-crushing car crashes and rampaging, undead zombies and sex-crazed alpacas, Little Miss Sunshine auditions for the role of Gabriel before co-directors God and Satan. Will she lead the angelic host through the buttery golden gates or tap dance the boogie-woogie over hot coals?

9. In a burst of brilliant pink petticoats, Amelia blooms into the world of fashion, fashionistas and vampires. Can she save her date, Raoul the goat boy, or must they share a dark life together subsisting on anorexic models and aged semi-dames who rule the fashion world?


1. Gnis kree bloknok glubglub waagi, glubglub waagi baagi boo. Gnis baagi-tragi bleggi-degi plobglub Snarkling knick? Kree glubglub Barbara Bauer joojub koodoo?

2. Nayeeda and Ashia, brothers of the Panther Moonlet, gamble the royal mishnik at the new nightclub Babel where no one speaks the same language.

3. Naruntin gribbles the wmorf-art onto velvet, while zitoinga ornionicates the marple. Sneeple gleeps jingle in absolute terror.

4. Jen digs Brad. Brad digs Jen. Brad marries Jen. Brad divorces Jen. Angie digs Brad. Brad knocks Angie up. Jen seduces Brad. Brad gets caught by Angie. Angie’s pissed at Brad. Jen’s pissed at Brad. There’s only one thing Brad can do.

5. A Moroccan family acquires a rifle to protect their goats. Wait, it gets better. One of them shoots someone. The press screams Terrorism. Disaster follows, mainly in Mexico. And Japan. Not clear what happens to the goats.

6. Big Jimmy Johnson is going to build the best skyscraper on Fifth Avenue--one so high that it might even reach God. But when all his foremen start speaking in different languages, how is he ever going to finish the project and come in under budget?

7. After the success of 'Girl with a Pearl Earring' another Flemish painter gets the Hollywood treatment. After a childhood accident damages his hearing, Pieter Breughel descends into a world of silence. Regaining his hearing as an adult is a mixed blessing. Tortured by the high-pitched voices of his maidservants, he creates his ultimate masterpiece . . . Babel.

8. A sprightly love story of star-crossed lovers. He is the prince of Aldebaran and holder of the golden crown. He is the duke of Betelgeuse and guardian of the sacred stones. They meet on the Man-Tastic satellite and fall in love. But he’s a Capricorn and he’s a Taurus and that’s a match definitely not made in heaven.

9. Five hundred languages at deafening levels. That's what UN translator Darla Wyatt had to endure the day that WWIII broke out. Could she translate for the peace talks between the Iranians and the North Koreans? Would she save the world from nuclear holocaust, or would the fate of the planet be doomed due to . . . Babel?

The Departed

1. The second movie in the macabre DON'T FLY trilogy. It comes after Terminal and before Crash.

2. The experience of a long-distance train journey is paralleled with the experience of death. Both involve tunnels, darkness and, ultimately, arrival--but arrival where? A twist ending where you would least expect it.

3. Hilary Swank plays a mousy librarian looking for love in all the wrong places--especially in the Viagracon, a long lost book about erotic ghosts. When she finds the book, it conjures up the man of her dreams. It also turns her into a lesbian. Also: Patrick Swayze as Botox, the friendly ghost.

4. It's Waiting for Godot for a modern audience: two men in a bus station discuss the remarkable physical, psychological, and spiritual makeup of their companion who just left.

5. Rookie travel agent, Alister McBride, discovers that the cruises his boss books for clients are not sailing to Barbados, but directly into the bowels of Hell. When Alister wins a complimentary Employee of the Month trip to Disney World, can he convince his boss he’d rather go on the cruise?

6. When the dead return to the town of Tindervale with pale skin and a lust for brains, Kate Dunn does what any sensible housewife would do: gather them into an army to conquer Des Moines.

7. Airplanes have been taking off from Chicago's O'Hare airport... but they've not been landing anywhere. Can NTSB agent Carrie Munson discover what has happened to... The Departed?

8. Three priests, five family members, and forty friends stand around talking about the recently-deceased Daisy Pushups. For two hours.

9. When a gangster infiltrates the Boston police force, and a police officer infiltrates the gang, it can lead only to hilarity--or to lots of guys getting shot in the head. Maybe both.

Letters from Iwo Jima

1. Dear Ma: Set up a U.S. flag on a pile of rubble today, but some jackhole photographer made us take it down and do it again. Please send clean socks and Wonderbread. Love, Joey.

2. A Japanese general finds a letter home in the pocket of a dead American on Iwo Jima. After reading it, he realizes that maybe all Americans aren't mindless brutal killers after all. Just most of them.

3. Susannah has just buried her father, a veteran wounded early in World War II. Cleaning out his attic, she comes across letters from his platoon buddy Ralph. She does not expect them to be love letters, however.

4. Every war has its unsung heros. One of these is Corporal Hank Simmons, who when asked to help raise the flag at Iwo Jima, declined on the grounds that he was writing a letter to his mother. In a fit of pique, his colleagues raised the flag on top of his letter, piercing it and pinning it to the ground. The movie covers Corporal Simmons' one-man decades-long campaign to have his letter incorporated in the world-famous sculpture.

5. In this adaptation of Dan Brown’s 25th Robert Langdon novel, the ninety year-old symbologist convinces his nursing home companions that the location of Atlantis (the town where Jesus had sex) is encrypted within anagrams of famous Japanese islands. While his companions ponder this, Langdon steals their pudding.

6. She's a lower case 'e' who was just dumped by the word "nuclear" for another 'u'. He's a thirteen-stroke kanji, on a quest to figure out why he contains the radical for "pig." Will it be love at first sight, or will they just butcher each other's languages?

7. Kitty doesn't understand why literary agents don't respond to her queries. Only when she joins her ex-Marine father on a journey to Iwo Jima will she learn where the Post Office maintains the dead letter office for SASEs that lack a return address in the upper left corner.

8. A set of interconnected stories about the soldiers from the famous photo and their girls back home. No one makes it out alive because that's how war movies work.

9. When cleaning out her parents' house after their deaths in an automobile accident, Harriet discovers a box of letters in the attic. Love letters, postmarked Iwo Jima, unsigned. But her father hadn't been there for the battle; he hadn't been on the island at all during the War, so far as she knew.

The Queen

1. The high-heeled version of STOMP! A joyous celebration of dance with spiked heels.

2. This human comedy speculates on what might have taken place in Buckingham Palace in between the death and funeral of Princess Diana. Also, Tony Blair.

3. A fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the Fifth International Drag Queen competition in beautiful downtown Burnank.

4. The starving hive was abuzz: a new drone just arrived, dancing directions to the Promised Field. But when a worker stings him to death, reeking of royal jelly, investigator Buzz Flores uncovers sheets of hidden honeycomb and a coup plot ready to unfold.

5. Hoping to reinvigorate their stalled careers, Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, and John Leguizamo return for this highly unoriginal sequel of To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

6. The inimitable Freddy Mercury's life story. Bring a hankie.

7. Not even San Francisco is ready for an entertainer who looks like George Foreman in drag and sings like Pee Wee Herman. But will "The Queen" make it on American Idol?

8. Balls said the Queen, if I had two, I could be King. And therein lies the happy romance of the first female electro-ejaculator in the veterinary business and her boss, the head castrator of the animal kingdom. Just wait until she gets done with him!

9. Yet another Dame Judy Dench vehicle, in which the actress plays yet another British queen, Victoria or Kathryn Howard or whomever.

Answers below



Dave Fragments said...

Wow, no comments.
This might just be a death blow to Proust scholars everythwere.

writtenwyrdd said...

I heard the author and directors on Fresh Air last night. Wouldn't have guessed the real plot. But now I want to see the movie. Sounds like Royal Tanenbaums on a road trip.