Thursday, February 01, 2007
Evil Editor's Oscar Preview
I never watch the Oscars anymore, because I have a mild aversion to watching an endless parade of pampered billionaires saying thank you to every distant family relation and every person remotely connected with their film, or their career or the film industry itself, when what they'd really like to be saying is, "I've scratched and clawed my way to the top despite dozens of backstabbing attempts to drag me down, especially by the four no-talent buffoons I beat out for this award, and if the whole Academy rots in hell for eternity for not recognizing my God-given talent sooner, it'll be too good for them."
Just because I don't watch the Oscars doesn't mean I can't do a piece about them, but the problem is, I don't go to the movies much anymore, because the screens have gotten so small you can barely see them. Once I came in late to a movie, and figured it must be in 3-D, because everyone was watching through strange glasses. Then I realized the truth: they were all using binoculars.
Anyway, instead of writing about this year's nominees, none of which I've seen, I decided to choose an earlier year. Turned out I had to go back to 1985 to find a year for which I've seen every movie that got nominated. So here we go.
1. Prizzi's Honor. Listen, I've made home movies better than Prizzi's Honor. But do you think the Academy would ever nominate one of my home movies for best picture? Of course not. Because I don't have Hollywood connections.
2. Witness. They take what's basically a documentary about the Amish, easily the most boring people on the planet, throw in a murder, and suddenly it's a best-picture nominee? Get serious.
3. Out of Africa. Turned out most of the movie takes place in Africa. Man was I pissed.
4. The Color Purple. Little-known fact: The detainees at Guantanamo are forced to watch The Color Purple over and over until they talk. So far no one's lasted to the second showing.
5. Kiss of the Spider Woman. I gotta tell you, special effects have come a long way. This has to be the lamest superhero movie of all time.
That's got to be the worst five movies ever to make up one set of nominees. What truly boggles the mind is that it was the same year such memorable films as The Return Of The Living Dead, Real Genius, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, The Toxic Avenger, and Fletch came out. Go figure.
As I suspect most of you have no idea what this year's nominees are about, I'm going to prepare a Guess the Plot for each of them. It's up to you guys to provide the fake plots. I'll Google the titles and find out the actual plots, and Monday we'll have a test to see how many you can get right. Here are the titles:
Little Miss Sunshine
Letters from Iwo Jima
Send your fake plots as comments to this post. I won't publish them. Comments without fake plots will be published. If you wish to comment on this post and also send fake plots, do them separately. If you want to send fake plots, you don't have to do all of them.