Sunday, July 16, 2006

Face-Lift 120


Guess the Plot

Rise and Walk

1. No longer content to lie around listening to sirens, crying babies, and loud rap music, the residents of the Restful Acres cemetery Rise and Walk in the largest zombie protest march of all time.

2. Jonas Didy has spent most of his life crawling at others’ feet, but he finally has the opportunity to stand on his own two--if he can find the courage. When the chips are down, will Jonas remain on the floor? Or will the fearful toddler finally Rise and Walk?

3. A faith healer has an epiphany after a paralyzing injury and turns to Ra, Sun God of the Egyptians, causing a rift between himself and his family that not even Isis may be able to heal.

4. A man and his nephew embark on a dangerous and desperate quest: to resurrect a long-dead giant salamander.

5. The students of Hammond College are sick of having nothing to protest about, so they organize a rally against physical exertion of any kind and demand that every student be given a motorized wheelchair. Complications ensue when super-villain Electro comes to town, and harnesses his power by sapping all batteries.

6. The Amalgamated Walker Company is facing bankruptcy unless their new product, the rocket-propelled walker, can succeed in lifting the bodies and spirits of the mobility-impaired.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

For three generations the House of Fire ran the Council of Tides; enshrouded in wealth and power they ruled the sprawling city by the sea. Ten years ago the House of Stars [Also known as the Michael Douglas household.] ascended to power [It's Dune. Only without the sandworms and the spice and the lame sequels.] [And with water.] in a violent coup, [Isn't a coup from within? While a different house is from without?] destroying Fire's elemental guardian and driving the bloodline's survivors into hiding. [Thus exposing the House of Fire as a House of Cards.] Without the political and magical protection of house status the House of Fire was reduced to a stubborn shadow of its former self. In a world where blood pays the price the gods demand for magic, resurrecting their house from the ashes may destroy what family they have left.

RISE AND WALK is the story of Harn and his uncle Kerith, the only surviving members of the House of Fire. Together they are on a desperate quest to find and resurrect their house elemental, a giant salamander whose bones have been scattered in the catacombs beneath the Council Houses. But calling a spirit back from the dead isn't easy, and without the elemental magic of the salamander to draw on [It's Catch-22. They need to resurrect the giant salamander, but in order to do so, they need the giant salamander, but . . . ] Kerith and Harn are forced to fuel their spells from more mundane sources.

Only the power generated by an unfulfilled death is great enough to call the salamander's spirit back to the mortal plane. Led by his mother's notes Harn carefully kills and binds an unwilling soul inside a magical silver cage, but they discover that her ["Her" being the mother or the unwilling soul?] magic alone can't rebuild the house spirit's body. Binding the bones together with flesh and blood requires a willing sacrifice from the House of Fire's own bloodline. [So they play rock, paper, scissors for the honor of being the sacrifice.] [I wonder whether it's better to go with rock, paper or scissors when you're trying to throw the match.] Out of time, and out of relatives, Harn and Kerith are forced to choose between self-sacrifice and their need for revenge. [Can they get revenge without the salamander? If so, they can get revenge, and then resurrect the salamander. If not, the only choice is which one of them dies, and which one goes on a sex spree to rebuild the bloodline. Of course, getting dates isn't gonna be that easy when your giant salamander insists on sleeping in the same bed with you.]

Even as the two are faced with choosing between life and family, a member of the House of Stars is close on their trail. Raised on stories of the House of Fire's depravity, Taven has devoted his life to exterminating the survivors. Operating without the knowledge of his house's elders, Taven risks execution if Harn and Kerith succeed in reinstating their house's political standing. Using the elemental power of his own house spirit [A giant hamster.] and following clues left by the trapped soul, he tracks the pair through the depths of the city. He only has to kill one of the pair for the spell to fail, and to see the House of Fire finally die. [Why? If he kills only one, and the other has a bunch of children who have more children, aren't they all part of the bloodline? And can't they resurrect the salamander?]

RISE AND WALK is a dark fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words. I've included the sample pages, per your guidelines, and can provide the entire manuscript in hardcopy or electronic format at your request.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

For three generations the House of Fire has ruled over the sprawling City by the Sea. When the House of Stars ascends to power in a violent revolt, Fire's elemental guardian is destroyed, and the bloodline's few survivors are driven into hiding.

RISE AND WALK is the story of Harn and his uncle Kerith, the last remaining members of the House of Fire. Together they embark on a desperate quest to find and resurrect their house elemental, a giant salamander whose bones have been scattered in the catacombs beneath the Council Houses. But binding the bones together with flesh and blood requires a willing sacrifice from the House of Fire's own bloodline. Out of time, and out of relatives, Harn and Kerith are forced to choose between self-sacrifice and their thirst for revenge.

Even as the two are faced with choosing between life and family, Taven, a renegade member of the House of Stars, uses the elemental power of his own house spirit to track the pair through the depths of the city. Raised on stories of the enemy's depravity, Taven has devoted his life to exterminating the survivors before the House of Fire can rise from the ashes.

RISE AND WALK is a dark fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words. I've included the sample pages, per your guidelines, and can provide the entire manuscript in hardcopy or electronic format at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

The original wasn't bad, but it wasn't going to fit on a page, and the revised version gets the main points across.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

My eye read "Kerith" as "Keith" during the whole dang query and I thought: Why "Keith"? Why such a normal name?

Anyway, the giant salamandar is too funny! Best of luck to the author.

Anonymous said...

EE: 'A giant hamster'. Yep, seems approapriate.

Bernita said...

"Rise and Walk?"
Can't relate the title to the story.
Unless a Lazarus motif is implied here?
How about The Fire Walk, or The Flaming Bones, or something... anything less eunuched...

Anonymous said...

And here I was thinking I'd have to wait till Monday for a good thrashing of my query! Huzzah for unexpected joys! ^_^ *happy dance*

But what is this? No zombie comments? *sniffle* And here I even had a book with the undead in it! You wound me sirrah, you wound me to the core.

Lack of zombies quips aside, I though you were going to rip it into much tinier pieces than you did, so I'll take that as a good sign. *makes notes* I'm sorry it ran too long, My problem was that things are a little too complicated to fit into a query. (It did fit on one page for me, so I am assuming I messed up the formatting somehow *sighs*).

- Isn't a coup from within? While a different house is from without?

It's from without the House of Fire and within the Council of Tides. There are five houses that make up the Council of the Tides (Fire, Stars, Stone, Water, and Storm). The House in 'charge' of the political system changes as the power structure changes. Unlike a normal political rotation, the House of Stars instigated a military change-over.

- "Her" being the mother or the unwilling soul?

The spirit, who thankfully is not his mother, though that would have made a more powerful magical 'battery'.

- Can they get revenge without the salamander? If so, they can get revenge, and then resurrect the salamander. If not, the only choice is which one of them dies, and which one goes on a sex spree to rebuild the bloodline.

Without the salamander the House of Fire can't petition for re-admittance into the Council of Tides (and political safety from further assassination). The Council Houses were established around elemental spirits that were bound by ancient warlords as magical batteries. The ability to bind and control an elemental is the basis for the rather warped political system.

- A giant hamster.

*rotflmao* It's an owl, actually, but darned if I don't have visions of Redwall and a hamster army come to battle the evil salamander. ^_~

- Why? If he kills only one, and the other has a bunch of children who have more children, aren't they all part of the bloodline? And can't they resurrect the salamander?

Each council house has a single bloodline, but who 'belongs' to that bloodline is controlled by the house spirit. Thus Kerith and Harn are the only two left who were tapped by the old salamander as belonging to the bloodline. So even if they did go out and make babies like bunnies, without the salamander to vette them, it would be pointless. Which loops back into the 'why did you need at least two people?' One to commit the sacrifice and one to go forth and makes babies. *grin*

Like I said... just a little too complicated to fit into a query. You wouldn’t believe all the stuff I left out! *sighs* But thankfully I apparently didn't do too horribly, so yay! Not a bad way to end a weekend! ^_^

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Bernita said...
"Rise and Walk?" Can't relate the title to the story. Unless a Lazarus motif is implied here?


It was a nod to the fact that they are raising both the house and the salamander from the dead, but it is rather vague. If I sell it, the publishers will most likely make me change it anyway, so I figure it couldn’t hurt to stick with the one I liked for now. ^_^

For your amusement value, I do also tend to give my sections/chapters nicknames whilst working on them. It has been know (in my notes) irreverently as:
The Fall of the House of Fire
How to Assemble a Giant Lizard in Four Easy Steps
Dude, Where’s My Blue Spirit?
I’m Just a Ghost in a Silver Cage
Taven and the Can of Whoop-ass
I am Charizard, dammit!
Who Knew Houses Were So Flamible?

*sighs* Apparently my SillyMuse gets miffed when I ignore her for too long. ^_^;;

Novelust said...

This is another one of those queries where I'll be damned if I can figure out why I'm supposed to identify with the protagonist(s). After reading about the whole 'binding an unwilling soul' thing, I was immediately on Taven's side. That 'raised on stories of their depravity' bit made absolute sense. They sound evil. (Go Taven!)

I'd suggest ramping up the description of how evil the House of Stars is, or that the unwilling soul they bound was Horace, the Baby-Slaughtering Butcher - anything to make these guys come off a little better.

(And if you can work in Sting in blue underwear, that can only improve the query.)

Anonymous said...

I'm not clear from this who the hero is. Presumably not the evil father and son duo. If it's Taven, perhaps he should be mentioned up front with the synopsis told more from his perspective. Although... he's apparently a murderer as well. Who is the reader supposed to root for?

The salamander idea reminds me of that dreadful Star Trek Voyager episode where Captain Janeway and Paris turned into newts and had newt babies together. Sometimes you have to wonder how TV writers manage to keep their jobs.

Anonymous said...

"Out of time, and out of relatives, Harn and Kerith are forced to choose between self-sacrifice and their need for revenge."

I'm all for Dark Fantasy, but the fact that these guys consider self-sacrifice only _after_ they've run out of women and children to murder really makes them unpalatable.

At least in "White Gold Wielder" the pathetic anti-hero felt remorse for his crimes, and there were other good people in the story. The only other character you mention is Taven, whose goal is to murder people because of who their parents were.

I'm worried there is no one in your story that readers can relate to. Well, readers outside of Death Row... :D

Mad Scientist Matt said...

That's the title of Dennis Byrd's memoir, isn't it? The football player who broke his neck.

Anonymous said...

How to Assemble a Giant Lizard in Four Easy Steps

ROFL! What, you can't call the book that? I'd buy it!

Mind, I'd probably buy this anyway; it sounds like just the right thing for a peaceful evening contemplating giant salamandars :) And I quite like the fact I'm not sure who to cheer for - it makes me think the conflict has some depth to it. I'm guessing publishers might prefer a more clear cut view though.

Kanani said...

Hello,
When I hear about the giant salamander, I'm reminded about the white salamander hoax in the Mormon Church. In the 1980's "Brimming with references to treasures and enchantments, the letter related how Joseph Smith actually obtained the Book of Mormon not from an angel, but from a magical white salamander which transfigured itself into a spirit. " But most people probably wouldn't think of this, so I think it's nothing to be too concerned about. If you really want to see some fantasy check this out: http://www.gnosis.org/ahp.htm Anyway, back to what I came here for!

I like the names Harn and Kerith. Kerith is an olde name... goes back to bilical times and both sound right for this quasi- medieval-modern setting.

Would you consider tinkering with the title? Rise and Walk doesn't do justice to this adventure/fantasy story. I like "House of Fire," though you'll have to check to see what else out there has that title.

I noticed that in your query, you did use a cliché: was reduced to a stubborn shadow of its former self. You might want to recheck your draft and check for any clichés in the story. Eliminate them.

Overall, I like what you've described. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I don't have a problem with protagonists being 'dark'. You know what, it beats reading about goody-two-shoes characters.

Also, with the nations strugling, it sounds political to me. Of course, its fine, just as a dark fantasy too.

But I still like EE's giant hamster spirit idea. Picture it. Five, no, twenty feet tall towering sparkling rodent! I know I'd run shriking in fear! (actually, I run from normal sized rodents too, but that's besides the point)

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with "Evil vs Evil"?

Anonymous said...

Since everyone was hitting the same two topics (more or less) I figured I’d just address them both here. ^_^

Title – Okay, okay, I’ll change it! *laughs* But I’m not using the Four Easy Steps! ^_~

No Good Guys? – Sort of. It’s a Horror/Fantasy world that is heavy on the horror. While Harn and Kerith are not anyone a normal person would want to hang out with, in context they really aren’t horrible people. The bound soul wasn’t some innocent passerby, but a House of Stars thugette. The pair are totally focused on revenge at this point (or at least Harn is), but ten years of watching your family killed off one by one makes folks a mite peeved. Kerith is redeemable, Harn isn’t, and I don’t expect anyone to identify with Harn other than as a person with good intent who is still ‘evil’.

Taven, while sort of a good guy, has spent the last four years slaughtering people. Not for anything they have done to him, but for things their relatives did to his relatives. The House of Fire was not a nice group of people, but then again none of the houses are. He actually gets less stable as the book goes on, since his one goal is to wipe out the bloodline and that chance is slipping away. It doesn’t help that he ends up teaming up with the insane spirit-in-a-box, as she is not a stabilizing influence.

So, um, you root for Kerith? At least I do, but I suppose you can root for whomever you like, just as long as it’s not the insane spirit-in-a-box. ^_^

Sting in blue underwear - *snicker* Sooo not going there. ^_~

Star Trek Voyage - Ack! Noooooo! That was the evil, evil episode. Never happened. *nod**nod* Didn’t see a thing. *shudders*

I'm all for Dark Fantasy, but the fact that these guys consider self-sacrifice only _after_ they've run out of women and children to murder really makes them unpalatable.

They are out of relatives because Taven has been killing them off. Plus and the ‘age of consent’ for self-sacrifice magic is the ability to understand what you are doing. The reason the magic is so powerful is that the person is aware of what they are giving up in order for the spell to happen. 99% of the magic is hinged off of the magic user giving up something of themselves, using someone else to power spells is –really- dangerous, hence the fact it took Kerith and his mother ten years to find the information and prepare.

That's the title of Dennis Byrd's memoir, isn't it? The football player who broke his neck.

I didn’t know… definitely not using it then. Thanks for letting me know! ^_^

The giant hamster - … *headdesk* … *snickers* You’re right, I do have to fit that in someplace… *eyes outline for a moment, then scribbles in a note* There, one of the fallen Houses now has a burrowing rodent as an elemental. I still needed something for the House of Earth anyways. ^_~

Anonymous said...

From what our author has said, perhaps she could try a melange of the SillyMuse & the dark side. It worked for Shakespeare, there is some quite funny stuff in the tragegies -- and it's the SillyMuse that has my attention. :-)

BTW, really complicated plots tend to lose me (and this one sounds rather complicated).

Word verification: dtnubnr -- hmm, dumb & dumber? Ok, I'm just not *motivated* to figure out complicated plots.

Anonymous said...

...choose between self-sacrifice and their thirst for revenge.

Isn't the self-sacrifice necessary for the revenge? No self-sacrifice, no salamander. No salamander, no great big magic battery. No magic battery, no revenge. Yes? So it would be "choose between survival and revenge." Otherwise...the choice between dying and taking revenge on somebody else is not so difficult for most people.

No problem with dark fantasy protags doing nasty things. Not sure I'd mention it in the query, though.

This sounds like exactly the sort of thing I curl up with when I'm feeling misanthropic. And while I did laugh out loud at the chapter titles, I wouldn't (as someone else did above) suggest lightening it up more than comes naturally.

Anonymous said...

Martha(and cat): Can't wait to read it.

For once, not sarcastic.

Anonymous said...

I believe Miss Snark and EE have both (along with many of their loyal folk) have strongly encouraged all writers to google their title ideas before settling on one.

Anonymous said...

I believe Miss Snark and EE have both (along with many of their loyal folk) have strongly encouraged all writers to google their title ideas before settling on one.

Like I said, I expected the publisher or editor to change the title anyways (I've heard they do this a lot) so the title was only a WIP name. Something I was fond of, nothing more. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Rise and Slither?

-Barbara

Cil said...

Did this ever become a success story? It sounds like my kind of book.

Evil Editor said...

This would seem to indicate that it didn't: http://www.martha.net/tags/rise-and-walk/

It might also help you contact the author and tell her to get on with it.

Martha Bechtel said...

This is the second inquiry after the Book Without An Awesome Name, so while it doesn't exist beyond a massive set of outlines... I think it shall soon have to!

(It's sort of hard to ignore the fact people are finding posts from 2006 and then trying to hunt down the story.)

*rolls up sleeves* To battle!