Thursday, July 13, 2006

Face-Lift 116


Guess the Plot

Sphinx Awakened

1. When the Great Sphinx of Egypt is awakened by the constant babbling of tourists, it swears that unless someone can answer its riddle (which begins, A pharoah, a mummy, and a high priest of Ra walk into a bar...), humanity is doomed. Mankind's last hope lies with a famous American comedienne.

2. Texas-Hold'em stud 'Sphinx' Barrington can't keep his stone-face in place while watching a sweat-bead slowly roll down the cleavage of the hot murderess across the table.

3. Angela hasn’t believed in magic since she was seven years old. But in Redfordshire, believing isn’t the issue. Survival is.

4. The last of the sandstone is worn away in a scouring wind and the creature that had been entrapped for centuries is finally free. Can the modern world bind the powerful Sphinx yet again, or will Ancient Egypt have the last laugh?

5. Tate's cat is the unchallenged champion sleeper of High Street--until Tate starts dating Megan-with-the-two-Rottweilers.

6. As a publicity ploy, a museum announces that only those who can answer a riddle will be admitted to the new Egyptian Antiquities Exhibit. What isn't announced, is that no one admitted will come out alive.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil:

Eighth grade is hard enough without having to deal with evil shapeshifters, magical outbursts in the middle of science class, and an arrogant, winged mentor. [That's nothing. I had to deal with Mrs. Ramsay in Music class. She didn't have wings, but . . . let me put it this way: do you have any idea how big a piano has to be to be played by someone with cloven hooves?] But this is exactly the predicament that thirteen-year-old Angela James finds herself in. She hasn’t believed in magic since she was seven, but in Redfordshire, believing isn’t the point. Survival is.

And Angela isn’t alone. Middle school outcasts Zeke and Izzy Marr are in the same situation. All three soon find themselves thrown into the middle of an ancient power struggle where the enemy could be hiding behind every smile. Their sole ally is Wy, a 700-year-old Icarus with a foul temper, a large vocabulary and secrets of his own. [Is Evil Editor expected to know what an Icarus is? It sounds like an intelligent creature born in 1306. But I think only of the mythology guy. Is he the arrogant winged mentor? I don't like calling him "an" Icarus.] With peril surrounding them and the battle only just beginning, Angela, Zeke and Izzy are swept onto a dangerous path that could affect the fate not only of their world, but of all that is magic. [It's too vague. The only specificity is the sentence about the Icarus, and not knowing what that is makes it vague as well. What's the ancient power struggle? Who's the enemy? What peril surrounds them? Why are they thrown into a struggle, swept onto a path? Why not the other students in science class?]

Complete at approximately 78,000 words, Sphinx Awakened is a fantasy rooted in the modern world with supernatural conflicts raging in the shadows. With touches of G.P. Taylor and Susan Cooper’s The Dark is Rising Sequence, [I lifted a sentence here, a phrase there; what are the chances anyone will notice?] [When Evil Editor reads about the authors query writers claim they write like, he is either familiar with those authors, in which case he rolls his eyes and thinks, Yeah, right, or he's never heard of the authors, in which case he thinks, Who?] this book mixes danger, friendship and wit in a combination perfect for fantasy readers aged 12 and older.

Per your web site, I have included a synopsis and the first three chapters for your consideration. If you are interested in reading more, I would be glad to send you the entire manuscript. I would like to note that I do have this query out to two other agents at this time. [What?!! So I'm your third choice?] Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely, etc.


Revised Version

Dear Mr. Evil:

Angela James hasn’t believed in magic since she was seven years old, but in Redfordshire these days, believing isn’t the issue. Survival is.

Eighth grade is hard enough without having to deal with evil shapeshifters, magical outbursts in the middle of science class, and an arrogant, winged mentor. But this is exactly the predicament in which Angela and her friends Zeke and Izzy Marr find themselves. Working together on a science experiment, all three cross through a dimensional warp into the middle of an ancient power struggle between the Romulans and the Borg, who are fighting for control of the school--which happens to be the nexus of time travel itself. The kids' sole ally is Wy, a 700-year-old talking duck with a large vocabulary and a "fowl" temper. As battles rage around them, Angela, Zeke and Izzy must find a way to save themselves and to return to their world--with its thankfully boring school.

Complete at approximately 78,000 words, Sphinx Awakened is a fantasy rooted in the modern world with supernatural conflicts seething in the shadows. The book mixes danger, friendship and wit in a combination perfect for fantasy readers aged 12 and older.

Per your web site, I have included a synopsis and the first three chapters for your consideration. If you are interested in reading more, I would be glad to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you.

Sincerely, etc.


Notes

As usual, Evil Editor has no doubt failed to guess the details of your story. But at least this version has some details, and perhaps will sweep you onto the path of specificity.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was really hoping #5 was it. -JTC

Anonymous said...

The nexus of time travel itself, you say?
Safety Not Guaranteed

Anonymous said...

... *makes small noises about Yu-gi-oh and Card Captor Sakura in fangirl fashion* Coincidental anime similarities aside, I must admit the notion of an arrogant winged mentor named 'Why' is highly entertaining. Not that it's actually pronounced 'Why?', but it sounds between that 'Whee!'... but only a smidge. Either way, I can't imagine he's pleased with having to make sure three barely-teens survive long enough to save the world. Out of curiosity, why does he need the three kids? Do they have magical powers, or mystical artifacts, or some other nifty must-haves unmentioned in the query?

This is exactly the kind of escapism I loved to read back in Junior High. Outcast, misunderstood, unappreciated kids save the world again! Yay for us! Er-- them! ^_^;

Anonymous said...

I'd read this in a minute! (Plus, props to you for having read the Dark is Rising; that series doesn't get nearly enough love.)

Some suggestions for replacing "Icarus," if you take that advice: harpy, siren, tengu, incubus. They all come with their own particulars, but you'd know better than me which matches your character. Or you could go original with Birdman, or Winged One. Or hey! Modify it to Icarian or Icarist or, better yet, Daedalan or Daedalist because he's the one who, you know, invented the wings and knew how to work them. Unless your goal is to make him be/resemble a fallen angel, which opens up a whole other set of possibilities like Luciferan or Dropped One or Antimichaelean or...I think my creativity is running dry here.

Right, seriously, do you want a beta?

-A

(Word ver is "Auxbwn", which I'm pretty sure is an estate in Wales)

Bernita said...

Mrs. Ramsey in music class?
Ha!
I had Miss Bustlewhistle...

Anonymous said...

I would love to read this book! Too bad I'm not in the publishing biz - I'm just a reader with a pocket full of cash to spend on books...

Anonymous said...

Er, for once, I liked the original version better than EE's version.

*cringes*

Reading the original, I kept thinking, "This sounds pretty good." The revised version didn't seem to have the same spark.

Anonymous said...

I do kinda feel like the Sphinx should be mentioned somewhere in this query.

Word verification: lupmbhhh. The sound of a reawakened Sphinx spitting out several millennia of sand.

Unknown said...

Let me preface this comment with a statement that I do NOT write YA.

However, I buy it. I have a teenage son who doesn't like reading anything that is fantasy/science fiction related (could be all the dragons I have decorating my house). However, he loves the Alex Ryder series by Anthony Horowitz, but we have yet to find anything else that is remotely similar in nature. The YA shelves in my B&N are stuffed full of fantasy books but seriously lack in the action/adventure genre.

I guess I'm wondering if I'm absolutely ignorant and not looking close enough at the bookshelves or is there really this big huge gaping hole in the YA market?

Comments...thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Malia, I love to read YA adventure and you are right - finding good YA on the shelves without the fantasy element is difficult.

Although I am an OA rather than a YA, I read voraciously and love most YA fantasy & adventure books as much as I love a good mystery or Carl Hiaasen.

Stephen Prosapio said...

WOW - Bravo to the "Guess the Plotters" on that one! I want to read all those books!!!

Kanani said...

I'm always amazed at how simple and compact the face lifted versions are one EE does them.

It reads very smoothly without a lot of explanations. Just cuts through the junk and gets to the plot.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like my job -- especially the part about returning to the thankfully boring school

Anonymous said...

I don't know...maybe I'll just revise the whole book to fit EE's version. I mean, anytime the Borg can be worked in you KNOW it's going to be a fun ride. :)

Thanks for the critique, both to EE and the minions. Anyone who really wants their questions answered and isn't just throwing them out into the digital ether can email me: celtic_spike@yahoo.com. That way this post isn't enormously long.

Malia - I don't see much YA action/adventure without a fantasy/sci-fi element to it, and I browse the YA shelves a LOT. There's a definite hole there waiting to be filled.

Anonymous said...

The Icarus factor confused me, too.

Otherwise, I'd at least read the back-cover blurb and a few pages of this book if I saw it on the shelf. I have a mental picture of Our Heroine already.

Anonymous said...

"I have a teenage son who doesn't like reading anything that is fantasy/science fiction related..."

I have a hard time regarding the Alex Rider books as *not* fantasy or sci fi, considering the ridiculous non-existent technology and impossible adventures (Alex flies! He gets shot into space!) but they are fun. There's a good reason why the YA shelves are stuffed with fantasy and sci-fi adventure stories; that's what sells. For a kid who is allergic to overt fantasy or sci-fi elements, I would suggest the Spy High and Cherub series of books, all about teen spies. There's also Gary Paulsen's Brian wilderness-adventure series. Nancy Werlin, Carol Plum-Ucci, Richard Peck, and Jean Lowery Nixon all write non-supernatural mysteries for teens, and Josh Mowll's Operation Red Jericho was well recieved. There's a ton of stuff there if you look for it.

Stacia said...

Malia, I assume your son has already read "Kidnapped"? (Stevenson). Funny, exciting...he'll learn a bit about history and have a great time doing it.

Unknown said...

Thank you everyone for your comments/suggestions.

Clare -- He read Gary Paulsen several years ago. And I researched the authors I wasn't familiar with and have ordered 2 books. However, most of what I saw was either too female orientated or too young. ;) But thank you.

December Quinn -- yes, he's read "Kidnapped."

Anonymous said...

Malia — I was looking for books marketed to the same age group as the Alex Rider books (which is considered nine years old and up. And I admit I'm puzzled by the "too female oriented" issue, as all the authors listed write books with male protagonists...but perhaps the topics are girly? I don't know) — anyway, it sounds like if he's too old for these books and doesn't like fantasy or sci fi, he should be looking outside the YA section. If he likes the Alex Rider books, why not Ian Fleming?