Face-Lift 840

Guess the Plot

Living in Forgotten

1. George accidentally opens a portal to Forgotten - the land of awkward titles.

2. Annie lives in, um... uh... someplace, where she's a grocery clerk at, uh... some grocery store or other. Something happens.

3. The protagonist, whose name escapes me, leaves her hometown and, unable to remember its name or location, searches desperately for a way to return there.

4. A guy with a funny name was the mayor of Wherever when he got into some naughty trouble with the milkmaid, or was it the baker's wife? Anyway, a lot of crazy stuff happened and then, um, the end.

5. Khris thought it would be a good idea to move to Forgotten, which is filled with gangs and thugs and thieves, but now that he's here it's not the exciting adventure he was expecting. Can he find his way back to Privileged before he gets killed?

6. Forgotten, Illinois lives up to its name. They forgot to build a school, a church, a town hall or even a Wal-mart. When wannabe Senator, Bob Forthwright, makes a PR mission out of bringing these things to 'poor' Forgotten, the citizens revolt- led by hot country bumpkin Mary-Alice McMaddock.

7. After a brief stint of notoriety, a Payphone’s Occlusion is cast into a dimension of forgotten shadows. When the phone itself shows up in a background scene of Cheaters, fame and fortune return…but at what price? Calls cost more than 10 cents these days and the Occlusion can’t even scrounge up a nickel.

8. Alexandra Capricorn can't remember how she got to Forgotten. She can't remember her three ex-husbands, discovering Blackbeard's lost treasure, or what happened to her twin sister. She's not the only one--everyone in Forgotten has had their mind erased by evil producers mining their pasts for soap opera gold. Can Alexandra stop them in time?

9. Janie Kent loves her job running Ciudad Olvidado, a sleepy trailer park. But when drug dealers try to move in on her territory, ex-Marine Janie organizes her cadre of misfit tenants into a makeshift army, all while trying to duck the notice of that cute sheriff.

10. M’jula sells real estate on The Forgotten Planet, a Gas Giant orbiting a dying sun. She’s just discovered a legal loophole allowing considerable leeway in her depictions of the methane-rich frozen wasteland. Bring on the wealthy willing to buy "sight unseen". But the Alpha Centauri Mafia do not easily forgive being swindled.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

Living in the streets of Forgot wasn’t the adventure Khris had hoped for. [Although it does get pretty exciting at rush hour.] Stealing, hiding from the gangs and keeping his home a secret wasn’t exactly what he had imagined. [The second sentence is more specific than the first, but basically, both say the same thing. They can easily be combined into one sentence.]

When running away from a bunch of thugs, he runs into a small mute boy with a very big talent. [He has the ability to speak with perfect enunciation, almost unheard of among mutes.] Together they learn to understand each other as well as to trust others. But life in Forgot never stays easy.

In the Forgotten, a gang will corner them into an impossible heist [The first paragraph was past tense, the second was present, and now we're in future tense? I can't wait to see what we progress to in the 4th paragraph.] while in the Privileged, the PC get ready to hunt for more talented, a hunt that will leave many dead and many more missing. [If that sentence is clear to you, it's either because you wrote the book or because your mind works in mysterious ways.]

Can they live the streets especially on the wrong side of the wall? [Ah, the hypothetical tense.] [Also, what wall?]

My young adult fantasy, LIVING IN FORGOTTEN, is complete at 69,000 words. It's the first instalment [sp.] of a planned trilogy, yet it is quite capable of standing on its own. [The word "quite" is almost always useless. Note that I didn't say "quite useless," as that would have meant the same thing.] LIVING IN FORGOTTEN is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

What is Forgot? What is Forgotten? Why isn't the title Living in Forgot or Living in the Forgotten?

What is the mute boy's big talent?

Start over, and this time summarize the book such that someone who's never read it has some idea what you're talking about. Apparently the city of Forgot is divided by a wall into areas known as the Forgotten and the Privileged. Apparently Khris is from the latter but has crossed into the former seeking adventure? Why don't you just tell us this? Then tell us what happens to Khris. If the Forgotten isn't all he was hoping, why doesn't he just go back to the Privileged? What does he want and who's stopping him from getting it?

If the Forgotten is the bad part of Forgot, why do you claim that life in Forgot never stays easy? Shouldn't that be Life in the Forgotten never stays easy?

No way would the privileged allow their city to be named Forgot. You don't see the Park Avenue crowd campaigning to have New York City renamed Homeless Shelter. Also, I can see the forgotten referring to the two sectors as Forgotten and Privileged, but the privileged would probably have different names for them, like the Industrious and the Iniquitous. In short, if Khris is originally from the Privileged he probably doesn't call it that.

Do we have to name this place Forgot? It makes me think the novel is an allegory, and you want to make sure we get it.

Does PC stand for Politically Correct? Because the politically correct probably wouldn't participate in deadly hunts of talented people. If it stands for Privileged Commandos, use the words. You can't just toss out terms like the Privileged, the wall, the PC as if everyone knows what you mean.

Cartoon 773

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 804

“You will think about it. Right?”

He glanced over her shoulder at the valley beyond. The cottonwoods along the creek were just budding out. Almost spring. Strange, how life just keeps moving ahead, despite everything.

She grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Dad, please. I’m worried about you up here in this big old house all alone. I know Amanda’s coming for a visit, but after that… promise me that you’ll at least seriously consider it. Okay?”

She wasn’t going to make this goodbye easy. He looked at her and swallowed the lump in his throat. She was so perfect---this child of theirs. Her eyes, the same tawny brown as Ellie’s, were brimming with tears as she clutched his hand in hers. “It would mean so much to me, and the kids to have you with us.”

Her lower lip quivered and the image of a gangly seven-year-old with a banged up knee flashed into his mind. In his heart, she’d always be that seven-year-old. But, as much as he wanted to give her what she wanted, he knew he couldn’t. Her life was in Scottsdale, with Jack and the kids. And his life was here at the ranch, as it had always been. He took a deep breath and gave her what he knew was a sorry attempt at a smile. “Ah…Kate. Come on now. You know this old cowboy wouldn’t fit up there in Scottsdale.”

Her tears spilled, as they used to when he would deny her ice cream for breakfast, but she had to know he was right, that he wouldn't fit in Scottsdale. He hugged her tightly, so tightly he feared he'd crush her with his embrace. Then he waved as she drove away.

"Silly Kate," he sighed. "Not only would I not fit in Scottsdale, I'd crush the place."

He never understood how he, the tallest giant of them all, had fathered a munchkin daughter.


Opening: Valerie Davis.....Continuation: ChocolateMonster

Cartoon 772

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 839

Guess the Plot

Given the Shaft

1. At the Feast of Thibault, worthy squires are presented with swords to mark their ascension to knighthood. Those who fail to measure up are instead drafted as spearmen. Can Horatio, who has dreamed of knighthood his whole life, cope with the humiliation of being . . . Given the Shaft?

2. When Annie Templeton's fiancé leaves her at the altar in 1860s Colorado, he at least leaves her with a consolation prize -- the deed to his gold mine. But is there something hidden in the depths of the mine that he didn't want to deal with?

3. Inch-high aliens land on Miss Shaft's lawn right after she fertilized it. When half the crew dies they declare interstellar war - not realizing she's known locally as 'the crazy cat-lady'.

4. When a woman is killed in an elevator shaft, and the police won't investigate, it's up to student Jordan Bale to solve the case. But it won't be easy when she also must deal with a stalker, a murderer, her rapist, her abusive boyfriend, and that fact that she's flunking math.

5. Marlene was livid when all her no-good husband Bert left her in his will was a played-out silver mine in Nevada. She's even more livid when she sells it to Bert's first wife, Lily, for a song, and learns two months later that a vein of platinum has been discovered in it. When the devil offers to arrange for an irregularity in the sales agreement to come to light, she's mighty tempted.

6. After making the classic mistake of shagging her boss before collecting adequate blackmail material to keep her job afterward, unemployed Nora starts digging. The dirt involves three national governments, the fate of her boss's ex-wife, a LOT of dairy products and . . . running for her life.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jordan Bale is an alienated college student who stumbles into the world of detecting by way of an administrative conspiracy, the murder of her favorite professor, and a serial rapist targeting campus. And one of these criminals is stalking her. With her personal life in shambles, Jordan must solve these crimes before she becomes the next victim.

It all started when a student was killed in an elevator shaft in her dorm and campus police appear to avoid investigating. [That sentence starts in past tense and switches to present. No reason to use past tense at all when the rest of the query is in present.] Jordan takes the story to the school’s newspaper, embarrassing a university that will do anything to protect its reputation. [Did you notice how I didn't say anything at the end of the previous sentence about the phrasing "campus police appear to avoid investigating"? That was me appearing to avoid criticizing. What you want to say is the police refuse to investigate or the police are too quick to call it an accident or the police are too busy busting kids for smoking weed to care about murder. Even if it's not exactly what happens in the book, it's better to state it simply than correctly.] [Also, when there's a dead person, I'm not sure the real police can be kept out of the mix.] When her favorite professor – the only person who saw Jordan as more than just one of Ohio State’s fifty thousand students – is murdered less than a week later, Jordan is determined to find justice. Even if it entails breaking into her professor’s office and stealing her research to look for clues. Then the Columbus Police Department starts turning away rape victims.

[Rape victim: I was raped.

Police desk sergeant: Take a hike, lady.]

[You need to show a connection between the Columbus Police turning away rape victims and the murders. Or leave the rape victims out of the query, which is probably best. You already have two murders, and you don't want the query to be just a list of crimes. Presumably the Columbus police are investigating the professor's murder, so focus on what Jordan can do that they can't.] Throw in an emotionally abusive boyfriend, her first academic failure, and the inability to solve one single case – could Jordan’s life get any worse? Yes. Now she must solve her own rape, as well.

[Jordan: I was raped.

Police desk sergeant: Come back when you've solved the case and we'll talk.]

Given the Shaft is an 80,000-word mystery that could be expanded into a series [in which Jordan once again is unable to solve one single case and the police do nothing]. I was named an up-and-coming star of flash fiction by the 6S Review, and my short stories have appeared in 6S2, MicroHorror, Blink Ink, FlashShot, Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers, and Long Story Short.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

It's not clear whether the student was found dead in an elevator shaft, having died after plummeting to the bottom, in which case she may or may not have been pushed, or whether she was found in the shaft with a bullet in her head.

Maybe you should come up with a fictional university. Ohio State may not want you publicizing the fact that they'll do anything to protect their reputation. Or the enormous number of murders and rapes that take place on their campus.

It's not clear why Jordan takes a major interest in the elevator shaft death. I would think her major focus/goal (at least until she becomes a victim) would be on solving her professor's murder case. I'd focus the query on that, and just mention the serial rapist as one of the complications (instead of her inability to solve a single case, which isn't a big selling point for a mystery).

I would start the query: When her favorite professor is murdered, Jordan Bale is determined to do what the police apparently can't: solve the case. Then tell us what she does and what obstacles make her task difficult and how she plans to deal with these obstacles.

Success Story

Dave F. reports that his short story "The Blacksmith's Gift" (New Beginning 799) appears in the print anthology Christmas Fear - Spooky Stories for the Holidays.
It is available from PILL HILL PRESS.

Cartoon 771

Caption: Zachary Gole

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New Beginning 803

Corrie shoved her way through the underbrush, branches snagging on her clothing and raising angry welts on her skin. Breathless, she glanced behind her as she struggled through the vacant lot. Her view was obscured by a jungle of vegetation, but she could hear a furious crashing in the distance, and the tops of small trees shook with her pursuer's passage. Hurry, she thought, plunging forward into the dense tangle of untamed bushes and vines, the pale glow of a streetlight like a beacon in the distance.

She didn't recognize the man who was chasing her, but Corrie knew, if he caught her, his intentions couldn't be pure. There was no other reason for a stranger to follow a woman down a deserted street in the middle of the night.

Not for the first time, Corrie cursed her bad luck. It seemed like anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Like the espresso machine jamming right before closing, or the stillness of her car's engine when she'd turned the key in the ignition. Or the man who was now pursuing her, on the one night she'd decided to walk the six blocks from the coffee shop to her apartment.

Her foot caught on a root and she fell headlong into the dirt. Her shoulder scored a glancing blow off a mossy rock. Damn, she thought. This is it.

The crashing noise was getting closer. Then she heard a man's voice, stern, commanding, "Come Here!" The noise stopped. Then started again, in the other direction! She poked her head up over the bushes and could see, silhouetted by a streetlight in the distance, a man fixing a leash to a Labrador's collar.

Corrie's pulse was still racing, her hands still shaking uncontrollably, wild thoughts shooting like lightning through her mind. Yes, once she'd got the machine unjammed, that was one strong cup of espresso...


Opening: Joie.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 770

Caption: ril

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Sunday Feature 12

I made this little film to introduce my new business venture a while back, but I think only those who visited Robin's blog ever saw it.

Publication Opportunity

Writers: If you haven't committed to churning out a 50,000- word novel this month, why not write a short story for Phoenix's anthology Extinct (Doesn't Mean Forever)? The details are here.

And if you are writing a novel this month, write your story in December/January. The deadline is January 30. Think of it as a two-month writing exercise.

New Beginning 802

I knew I was lit when I cracked my eyes. Me, Steve Shamus, private eye, lit to the gills on giggle juice. No... I actually was lit, like I was caught in the high beams of every Buick driven by every two-bit mug in H-burg. How those Buicks got in my fifth floor office I don't know. But no, it was just one light: a chrome Rayovac, slender fingers grasping it lovingly. I thought about something else I'd like to have grasped like that. The ceiling bulb flickered on; a hand was on the light switch and another held a .38 aimed at my ticker. Yeah, I know - that's three hands. But that's what I liked about Bonnie the Hat: she was different.

She was the canary who sang in cheap dives for tips, shots and butts. Slip her a pack of Luckies and it'd be "Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby" until your ears bled. But the doll was a looker, and so she did, glomming me then shooting me that smile; suddenly a million violins exploded in my head. No... I'd left the radio on.

"Hand over the jack, gumshoe," she snarled.

"It's Steve, not Jack," I reminded her. How could she forget, after that night in the alley with the handcuffs, nylons and whipped cream? That reminded me to get myself a new pair; I always got a run in them after the rough stuff.

"Cut the gab and make with the cabbage," she hissed. "Toss me the lettuce."

I was onto her game and let her know it. "Sorry sweetheart, your salad days are over." A quick slug in my kisser with the butt end of her .38 left me with two less teeth but hope in my heart; maybe she remembered that night in the alley after all.

Then the world turned upside down; the door burst open and like the morning after a twelve tamale dinner in a cheap Mexican restaurant he showed up in my life again: Shades Blanchard.

He was the only guy I knew who, instead of sunglasses, wore miniature window shades. He pulled the cords and they rolled up neatly above his monobrow, revealing two shiners. "Shades," I said, "What happened?"

"Walked into a door," he claimed.

"Twice?"

"It was French doors. Who's the dame?"

"I'm Bonnie the Hat," Bonnie the Hat said.

"How come you ain't wearin' no hat?" Shades asked her.

"None a yer beeswax," Bonnie the Hat told him. She turned back to me and said, "Last chance, dick, hand over the cabbage or I plug the both of youse."

I tossed it over. She put it on and said, "Thank God. I feel naked without a hat, and mine's in the dry cleaners."


Opening: Paul Penna....Continuation: Evil Editor

Cartoon 769

Caption: McKoala

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Face-Lift 838

Guess the Plot

Bad Luck Woman

1. Blackjack dealer Fiona Carlyle doesn't know why none of the casino's patrons ever plays at her table. Could it have something to do with that pesky nickname?

2. Corrie has always had bad luck, but little things like losing her keys or breaking her toaster were tolerable. Now some woman has decided she needs Corrie's blood in order to release the legions of hell upon the Earth, and Corrie may finally have to put her foot down.

3. Alakshimi, Hindu goddess of misfortune, decides to pack her bags and leave her father's ocean of milk for the sunny streets of Mumbai. Unfortunately, her attempts to make it big in Bollywood are plagued by, well, misfortune. Can she overcome her own cursed divinity and hook up with the sexy, toe-stubbing prop handler before her father turns her into a goat?

4. Tony and his band never really thought they'd make it big. But when their album, "Bad Luck Woman," is picked up by a big-time record company, they find themselves in a world of fame and fortune. Trouble is, the Bad Luck Woman Tony's written about is his murderous ex-girlfriend, and when she finds out the new hit single is about her, she sets out on a path of revenge.

5. Marjorie Davis, American widow, takes a holiday in Glencoe, having read too many romance novels set in the highlands. Unfortunately for her, the foul-mouthed, slovenly proprietor of the B&B she stays at knows all the same stories.

6. Superhero Tornado Man has met his match. Every time he answers a distress call he is delayed by dodgy spandex, broken zips and velcro that won't unstick. It's the work of Bad Luck Woman! Can he overcome her fiendish powers, and if he does will she fall for him?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Corrie Kingston is plagued with bad luck: important items become lost or stolen, appliances and electronics break in her presence, and she seems particularly adept at getting herself into sticky situations. One night, her luck goes from bad to worse when a strange man [What's strange about him?] follows her home. Even stranger, [Even stranger than what? Being followed home by a strange man? I doubt any woman would describe being followed home at night as "strange." "Terrifying" is more like it.] he claims that she's the long lost descendant of some forgotten fairy king, [Is that how he puts it? "Some forgotten fairy king"?] and he's been tasked with protecting her. [Hard to believe he doesn't remember which king it is, yet he's taking orders to protect the king's descendants.] [Also, it's not clear how her luck has gone from bad to worse. A guy who could have been a stalker/murderer/rapist turns out to be her protector. Sounds like her luck has gone from bad to fantastic.] All her bad luck, he says, is a side effect of a spell that's been cast to hide her from her enemies.

Like any rational person, Corrie is ready to call the police, until a creature that's half-boar, half-wolf, and all nightmare crashes through her window. [Is it a boar with a wolf's head or a wolf with a boar's head? I think it should be whichever one looks scarier, but I'm having trouble deciding:]











Apparently Thom, the man who says he's supposed to protect her, isn't so crazy after all. [Is Thom there when the creature crashes in? Because I can't believe she invited him into her home. But if he's gone, he's not much of a protector. And if he is gone, why doesn't she think the boar/wolf is just her usual bad luck? Did Thom say, "Okay, I'll leave, but don't be surprised if a half boar/half wolf creature crashes through your window, because that's just the kind of thing your enemies will try."?]

After a narrow escape, Corrie finds herself caught up in the intrigues of Atlanta's hidden fairy court. Among the beautiful and manipulative courtly fae, Corrie learns that she's the last mortal descendant of Auberon, the Summer King, [At least someone remembers which king she's descended from.] and is considered a potent weapon. Only her blood can reopen the gate to hell and renew the pact between the fairy courts and demons. Long ago, the Summer King gave his life to seal it. Now, in a bid for power, the Queen of Night wants to break the seal and unleash the leigons [legions] of hell upon the earth. And she doesn't care if Corrie survives the process.

BAD LUCK WOMAN is an urban fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.


Notes

In my opinion, unleashing the legions of hell upon the Earth is more likely to give power to the legions of hell than to the Queen of Night. Possibly the legions of hell, out of gratitude, will give their loyalty to the Queen of Night, but can you really trust the legions of hell?

I don't see what bad luck has to do with anything. She's the last descendant of the king who closed the gate to hell, not a random person. We don't read about Frodo and Dorothy and Buffy and think, Man they're unlucky. Basically you're calling the book Bad Luck Woman because her coffee maker never works right.

Cartoon 768

Caption: anon.

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Cartoon 767

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 837

Guess the Plot

Lullaby of Allat

1. Legend speaks of the demon-child Allat, who will bring ruin to the world should he awake. The Sacred Order of Choristers are sworn to prevent this from happening, but every year their numbers grow fewer. Can a cocky young inventor with wax cylinder technology save the day?

2. Young Sir Allat is heir to the family secret: a melody that puts its hearers to sleep for 100 years. Everyone in the kingdom is at pains to amuse him, because he has a wicked sense of ironic humor and god only knows what he'd do if somebody bored him.

3. When Dr. Alison Grayden finds a copy of the legendary Medieval poem "Lullaby of Allat" in her late aunt's safe deposit box, she's thrilled. Only--how did the manuscript, lost for 600 years, end up in a safe deposit box in Burbank? Also, a djinn.

4. For years Thea has been tormented by music in her head. But when the demon Acreosate invades, she realizes her destiny: to sing him to sleep! Right after she convinces the king to put a 13 year old girl in charge of the army.

5. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

6. When permanent insomnia strikes the king and queen of Khobistan, their health is at risk. Then a troubadour named Allat arrives, claiming his songs can bring sleep--but for a price: their first-born. Is that price worth the nightmares that will accompany the . . . Lullaby of Allat?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Louisa Dove is the practical, hardworking assistant of a prominent archaeologist in Victorian era London. Things [What things?] take a turn for the strange, however, [That transitional phrase makes no sense here, as you haven't described or declared a situation in which "things" weren't strange. Quite the opposite, in fact: a female archaeologist in Victorian-era London is pretty strange to begin with. To clarify, in which of the following does the transition work:

Bob's job making pads by gluing the top edge of sheets of paper together is so boring, the most exciting part of his day is when a telemarketer phones to suggest he switch long-distance carriers. However, his life takes a turn for the bizarre when . . .

Bob is a unicycle mechanic. However, his life becomes strange when . . .]
when formerly deceased pickpocket Pete Daggney [Never use terms like "formerly deceased" or "undead" when you can instead use "zombie." In fact, even if Daggney isn't a zombie, I recommend calling him "zombie-like" or saying, . . . when Pete Daggney, who gives every indication of being . . . a ZOMBIE! . . . ] turns up on her doorstep, seeking an explanation for his sudden reanimation. [He doesn't need her for an explanation. If he craves blood, he's a vampire. If he craves brains he's a zombie. And if neither of those is the case, he's the son of God.] [By the way, what makes him think she has an explanation?] An occult artifact of unknown origin is to blame, [I have an artifact, and I have no idea where it came from, but I know it is responsible for turning you into a zombie.] but to undo Daggney's unfortunate state, Louisa and her mentor must track the object back to its source. [How do they know they must do this?]

Along the way, their journey is riddled with complications, thanks to the meddling of the charming Mr. Villiers, amature [amateur] treasure hunter and future English Earl, unexpected Bulgarian railway bandits, [No need to call Bulgarian railway bandits "unexpected." No one expects Bulgarian railway bandits.] [For that matter, no one expects Bulgarians.] and not one, but two secret societies [If one secret society is a drawing card, two is a major attraction. Of course, the more secret societies you have in one place, the harder it is for them to stay secret.] seeking the same prize. [If you mean the same prize that Louisa is seeking, I didn't know she was seeking a prize. What is the prize?] Now, Louisa is caught up in a race to locate the tomb of an ancient [Bulgarian] bandit king, before what is contained within can be used to raise an army of the dead [zombies], and threaten the sanctity of the British Empire. [Is "sanctity" the word you want? I was thinking "stability" or "security." Or "braaaaaiiiiins."]

LULLABY OF ALLAT is an updated version of the Victorian pulp serial, with elements taken from turn of the century [Turn of which century?] gothic novels and traditional scientific romance. [Traditional scientific romance:

It is action-packed, fast-paced and complete at 90,000 words.


[Not part of query: ((Allat is a Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld, whom the aforementioned bandit king worshipped.))]


Notes

Was the bandit king the king of some bandits or a king who was also a bandit? I don't see why a king would want to be a bandit or why bandits would want a king, but then I'm not Bulgarian.

Louisa goes to an awful lot of trouble to make Pete the pickpocket dead again. Assuming Pete wants to be dead again, can't they just burn him at the stake?

The first paragraph is a useful setup, but I think I'd prefer the second paragraph focus on what's in the tomb and who wants to use it to destroy Britain than on secret societies and bandits and an annoying earl.

For those who like to keep track of such things, this is the first appearance of Bulgarians in a query since Face-Lift 280.

Cartoon 766

Caption: anon.

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Success Story

Steve Prosapio reports that his novel Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum (Face-Lift 679) will be published by Otherworld Publications in 2011.

New Beginning 801

In the half-light of a wraparound porch, the man lounged feet-up on an idle swing. His eyes, like black holes, reeled in the fly-aways and the odd disproportions...of me. His Rottweiler sat untied near a U-Haul.

I might have waved neighbor-like, but the intensity of that man disarmed me. On the sidewalk, I fumbled for the mace. There had been three beatings and two rapes this week in Montrose–nothing new, nobody caught. I lifted each foot, pushed it forward and set it down: only four blocks to the safety of a crowd.

Along Kipling Street, 40's bungalows and a few, once-proud Queen Annes told of families who didn't live here anymore. Flash! Past my face two squirrels soared from oak to pecan. Otherwise, nobody lingered outside without reason.

I glared at the man and his dark eyes turned away fast. Through porch rails, I couldn't make out...he was holding something in his hand.

Two years had passed since I last stepped out for Friday night, but tonight was important, my best friend achieving his dream; I wouldn't be turning around. The man on the porch stood up, again staring. Advancing to the steps, he held something at his hip. I swerved to cross the street, wondering what he--

* * *

The beeps and rasps of the machines woke me. Bright lights pounded at my lids and I had to open my eyes slowly to avoid even more pain. I was in the hospital. And so was he. Sitting on a chair next to my bed, leaning forward, staring at me with that same monobrowed intensity that had so unnerved me before.

I wanted to ask him "Why?" But my tongue stuck to my mouth.

"Relax," he said, like that was an option, him sitting there and all. "You had quite a bump." I couldn't even remember what he did to me. "You need to look both ways before you step into the road. You're lucky that Chevy was going slow. Here. I was trying to give you this. The postman left it with me."

I tried to reach out but my arms were too heavy. He smiled and tore open the Amazon package. It was the book I'd ordered: Paranoid Much? How to get fear out of your life in 5 easy steps.


Opening: Lucie.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 765

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 836

Guess the Plot

Shadowlands

1. Twelve year old Ruul has the ability to blink from his home in the kingdom of Ithmire to the alternate world of the Shadowlands. On one of these blinks, Ruul becomes trapped in the Shadowlands and is dragged into the Shadowland people's struggle to overthrow their evil emperor Kylmere.

2. Kayli has no time for romance; she spends her nights in the shadows of the city, hunting criminals. But when two sexy guys move next door, Kayli thinks her love life is about to take a turn for the better, until the guys inform her that they are actually immortal warriors sent to protect her from a fallen angel who wants to banish her to eternal servitude.

3. When Rebecca Thompson realizes there is another dimension that mirrors earth, where our shadows live and breathe, she enlists the help of her best friend Gregory--a warlock--to transport her there. If Rebecca can steal her mother's shadow, she can use it to get her mother out of a coma. But Greg has other plans for his "best friend."

4. When twin brothers David and Jacob Grant uncover dinosaur bones while building a fence on the family's ranch, they know they're in for adventure. They just aren't expecting the Feds, the media, and those spunky but annoying Davis sisters to be part of the fun.

5. Forensic specialist Kara Hall falls through the shadow of her current autopsy and winds up in the Shadowlands--a parallel plane that mirrors our world. There she must solve the murder or become a shadow herself.

6. Justine has always lived in Death Valley. When she wakes up one day to nothing but darkness, she thinks a storm is coming. Unbeknownst to her though, a thick dark cloud has fallen over Death Valley, bigger than any storm cloud and chock full of electricity that will not just strike like lightning, but bathe the valley in charged light.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Kayli Ryan’s life is in the dumps. She’s the worst witch ever, forced to take her best friend with her when she hunts criminals at night, because she can’t even work one simple spell. [Why is she hunting criminals at night? Is it her job? A hobby? Why would her friend agree to hunt criminals with her?] As an artist, she’d have a better chance paying for groceries by hocking her painting supplies than waiting for a canvas to sell. Abandoned at birth, she has no family, just a cat that doesn’t like her. And if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all. [This list of stuff about Kayli is too long. And because almost none of it is important enough to be mentioned again, it seems to have no purpose other than to prove that the first sentence is true. We could save a lot of space by just saying: Kayli Ryan’s love life is in the dumps. In fact, if it weren’t for the erotic dreams she’s been having lately, she’d have no love life at all.] [Wait, that doesn't tell us she's a witch, which is important information--or it would be, except it turns out she isn't a witch, which she might have figured out for herself from the fact that she can't even work one simple spell.]

But when two sexy neighbors move in next door, Kayli thinks her luck might be changing. She is immediately drawn to golden-haired Chase Donovan. With the face of an angel and a body meant for sin, he makes her heart race like no man before him. But when noble Chase rejects her advances, Kayli turns to his willing roommate Alexander to fulfill her fantasies and quench the fire in her that is burning hotter every day.

Fearing his friend’s sexual pursuits will turn into coupling—[It sounds like it already has.] or heaven forbid, bonding— Chase tells Kayli the truth, that he and Alex are immortal warriors sent by her father to protect her. In fact, she’s not a witch at all, [Where did she get the idea she was a witch?] but the hybrid daughter of a powerful fallen angel—and she’s been hidden on earth all these years to keep her safe from her family’s enemies who have long since sent her father and mother into the abyss. Chase and Alex believe that one of the original fallen angels has Kayli in his sights, playing a game that could lead to her eternal servitude—or final death.

As if that isn’t bad enough, Kayli’s highest purpose on earth is put to the test when a rapist she’s let slip through her fingers begins to murder his victims to punish Kayli for her interference. [If she was abandoned at birth, how does she know about her purpose on Earth?] She just might be able to stop him from claiming his next victim if she can keep her hands off her neighbors and old enemies off her back.

Shadowlands is a completed 70,000 word erotic urban fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The first two paragraphs describe a romantic comedy. Then it morphs into something far more serious, with talk of eternal servitude, final death, a rapist. Then it closes with a combination of the two: She just might be able to stop the rapist who murders his victims if she can keep her hands off her sexy neighbors. I'd like to end the killing spree of this rapist/murderer, but I'm too busy having fallen-angel sex.

If Kayli can't work spells, how does she manage to defeat criminals? Does she have any supernatural powers?

I think you need to tell us what Kayli is, rather than what she isn't, up front.

Sending your daughter to Earth to hide her from your enemies may be noble, but abandoning her at birth is a bit extreme. Couldn't they leave her with a family? Who raised her?

I would reorganize this and leave out some element. Perhaps the rapist is the main conflict and we don't need the original fallen angel who's out to get Kayli. Or the opposite, we can do without the rapist. Focus on the main problem, and the plan to solve it.

Do Chase and Alex provide any evidence that they're immortal warriors and that Kayli is the hybrid daughter of a fallen angel? Because most people probably wouldn't buy this line at face value.

The usual situation in urban fantasy is that a kick-ass heroine with a lot of attitude fights bad guys while dealing with personal problems. Thus I would expect the sexy neighbors to be the personal problems. Instead they're immortal warriors sent to protect the heroine. I'm less inclined to cheer on a heroine who needs this much protection.

Cartoon 764

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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Sunday Feature 11

First the writing exercise results, which consist of one last Halloween story, and then a remake of a Halloween film from . . . The Vault!


I wish I had the courage to kill you, my darling. Oh, to have the strength to give you what you ask! Alas, my beloved EE, I am weak. You cannot imagine how it pained me to remove your feet. Surely, you understand the sacrifices we must make for our love!

It all started so beautifully, did it not my darling? That glorious day when at long last you chose me! I hardly believed it myself. Oh how you teased me, renaming my characters and asking your silly questions. How did you know the pleasure I would receive, seeing your words in blue intertwined with mine?

So why, oh why EE did it have to end?

Did my novelty wear off after only one day?! Did you think I wouldn’t notice you had moved on to another? Did you think I wouldn’t recognize your words in blue?

I recognized you, EE. I recognized you because you belong to me.

I do not blame you for straying, my darling. You’re just an editor, after all, easily swayed by proper grammar and strict adherence to word counts. I forgive you your frailties.

But I see now that I have to protect you and our love from these seductive, literary succubi who covet your blue words for themselves.

Please do not cry, my sweet EE. You shall not miss your hands for long!

Just as you gave yourself to me, I shall become you. I will sacrifice my own identity to assume yours, my beloved EE, as a testament to our devotion to each other. I will advise these usurpers of our love with your own beautiful, blue words. Oh darling, how it will pain me to mingle my words with theirs. But love is pain EE, as you well know.

-- H.E. Ellis

Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 800!

Professor Rupert Bingham was frequently inclined to spend Sunday afternoon locked inside his study, pouring over his notes in preparation for the coming week. Sunday, being the church-mandated day of rest, his assistant normally had the afternoon off and the Professor often found himself completely alone with his thoughts. Today was no different, save that a package had arrived from the Marchioness Durrenbach, and Professor Bingham was eager to discover its contents. He had been patient all morning, attending church services, as was required of a gentleman of good standing, and had politely suffered through an excruciating tea with his fussy neighbor, Mrs. Firth. Now he was finally at leisure to unwrap the mysterious package and learn what secrets were contained within.

Carefully, he untied the twine binding the parcel and peeled back the brown paper wrapping. Inside was a good-sized, square wooden box with a hinged lid—newly made, so it must not have accompanied the original artifact from Turkey. Raising the lid, Professor Bingham gazed with interest at the curious object nestled inside.

But where to look, where to focus, with his Turkey-conscious professorly eyes? The crude terracotta bowl? Or the custard, unspilled, within? Or the neat circle of cling wrap sealing custard from atmosphere, mystery from evident custardiness, so thin he could pop it with one of his wayward nostril hairs and suck, suck, suck till every last one of his Academia-honed Sensibilities vs Personal-Lust-For-Antique-Middle-Eastern-Custard dilemmas was resolved in favour of custard, then caution, then custard, then caution, then custard, then thenthenthenthenthen, over and over and over again, till he could take it no more, NO MORE!

Instinctively, he shot himself.


Opening: Joie.....Continuation: Whirlochre

Cartoon 763

Caption: Whirlochre

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New Beginning 799

Summoned by email, I attended. Tim the Tinker's studio had that smell one finds in anterooms of hell. The sulfurous vapors, the sweaty stench of smelted metal, the pungent smoke of undying coals, the doorbell that chimed the Anvil Chorus and the phone that rang the Descent to Nibelheim from Das Rheingold. I should have demanded trumpets announcing the path to Valhalla, the Rainbow bridge that leads into the skies above.

The big man stood at the anvil, back to me, bare to the waist except for his leather apron, his muscled back and heavy triceps flexing with each stroke of the hammer.

"Don't look. You'll spoil the surprise." He spoke over his shoulder and returned the metal to the fire, waited a few seconds and struck it again. I picked up a longsword with a fine double fuller blade and gave it a few swings. I always tested Tim's swords.

"It's not like I haven't seen you beating off before," I said, annoyed at his back.

He opened his mouth, but all I heard was "Jawohl, Herr Hauptmann!" from Wozzeck. It was his cell phone this time, with a ringtone that stunk even worse than Das Rheingold.

After listening a moment he cried, "What? Your tiny hand is frozen?" Covering the phone with his hand he whispered to me, "A single secret tear from her eye did spring." Back to his caller he went on, "Sweet name, you who made my heart... yes, yes, sweet daughter of love... one fine day we will see... now farewell, without resentment." He closed the phone and grinned at me. "Women are fickle!"

I swung the sword and lopped off his head. He should have known by now that if there's anything I can't stand, it's opera in English.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Paul Penna

Cartoon 762

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 835

Guess the Plot

Invisible Romeo

1. Mercutio scores an invisibility potion on the tough streets of Verona. He offers the concoction to Romeo so he can sneak into the Capulet home undetected. Once inside, he learns secrets that could finally bring down the family enemy; however this would mean betraying Juliet.

2. Carmen has finally met the boy of her dreams. As it happens, he's invisible. Also, a vampire. When Carmen gets trapped in a school fire, she fears no one can save her . . . unless . . . can a vampire go out in the daytime if he's invisible?

3. In the two years since her failed suicide attempt, Julia has put her life back on track. When she finds love in a new boy, her last boyfriend--the successful side of the suicide pact--comes back to haunt her and make her his forever.

4. Fiona is lonely and miserable at the dorms her freshman year. With no friends or family, she's stuck there over Christmas vacation. Making things worse, the dorms are supposed to be haunted by the ghost of a student who hung himself in the lobby. Fiona doesn't believe it...until the strange love letters start appearing on her pillows.

5. Romeo seems like Juliet's dream come true. He's handsome, charming, and he calls her "my precious." But at the wedding ceremony, he slips the Ring onto his own finger instead of hers, and suddenly Juliet is facing an . . . Invisible Romeo.

6. Anna's ability to time travel lands her in Shakespeare's home town and she begins to manipulate the writing of Romeo and Juliet. Soon Juliet is the antagonist and hates Romeo so much that he's considered "invisible".



Original Version

Carmen is an ordinary girl living your average everyday life...[My average everyday life? Lemme give you an idea of my average everyday day:

8 AM -- 5 PM: Playing basketball with balled-up query letters, putting up with Mrs. V's crap and burning manuscripts.

5:30 -- 5:35: Arrive home, inhale a few breaths from a tank containing pure oxygen mixed with the scent of cotton candy.

5:35 -- 6:00: Strip naked and work out on the balance beam.

6:00 -- 7:30: Continue long-term project of digging a secret tunnel under my house, connecting the lounge to the conservatory.

7:30 -- 8:00: Wheel of Fortune.

8:00 -- 9:00: Phone calls to Bruce Willis, Snoop Dogg, Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga to give them advice.

9:00 -- 10:00: Mud wrestling with my pet anaconda.

10:00 -- Bedtime: 8 pints of Cherry Garcia.]

that is until she meets the boy of her dreams. Mychel is a vampire--an invisible vampire--[The only time you can see him is when he's standing in front of a mirror.] and has been tormented for the past two centuries by a crazy stalker named Muriah who is of the same species. [And believe me, stalking someone who's invisible ain't easy.] One day Mychel crosses paths with Carmen, nearly running into her and exposing his existence. [I can't tell if he exposed himself or nearly exposed himself.] After that one day, a fascination grows within him about this small but seemingly strong girl. Muriah isn't too happy about this though, in fact she is outright appalled that the guy she is convinced will marry him [Marry him? Who's him?] is making googly eyes at a human. Per usual routine, Muriah tries to black male and brown nose Mychel into marrying her, [Unless that's a clever way of saying she gets Mike Tyson to force him to marry her, you mean "blackmail." And get rid of the brown-nose part, as the rest of this sentence doesn't describe anything related to brown-nosing.] by threatening the life of the girl he seems smitten with--Carmen. Eventually, Carmen finds out about Mychel and Muriah, and Muriah's worrisome antics become more persistent [Is threatening the life of the girl Mychel is smitten with a "worrisome antic"?] as she fruitlessly tries to persuade Mychel.

Then one day, while Carmen is at school, her worst fear is realized, she is trapped in a burning building with no way out. Being a hopeless [incurable?] Pyrophobiac [Why is that capitalized?] trapped in a chem lab fire, she begins to worry [believes] that it's all over and that since it is daytime, Mychel won't be able to do anything to save her. [Then she realizes that all chem labs are well-stocked with fire extinguishers and have sprinkler systems, and that the fire department is just up the road.] From his home, Mychel sees the smoke at the school and recognizes the area immediately. [That's . . . the chem lab! And Carmen has chemistry third period!] Fearing for Carmen's safety and unconcerned of [for] himself, he races to the school to search for her. Little does he know that this is Muriah's doing and Carmen won't be safe until he agrees to marry her.

Invisible Romeo is a 10,719 word, unfinished fantasy novel. [Apparently you ran into a case of writer's block and decided to work on your query letter while waiting for inspiration to strike? Not the worst idea--if this plot description covers what will eventually be the entire book--but if it covers only the 10,000 words you've written so far, that's not good, as the query should summarize a larger portion of the book.]


Notes

A 200+ year-old guy smitten with a high school girl? Shall we assume he was 17 when he became a vampire, and that he hasn't aged physically or emotionally since then, or shall we just go, "Ewwwwwww"?

I guess it doesn't matter if he looks like an old man, as he's invisible. But I don't understand what Carmen sees in him. Ba dum ching.

It's not clear why Carmen is thinking Mychel won't be able to do anything to save me, when there's been no mention that they have any sort of relationship. She should be wondering if her chemistry teacher will save her, not some guy she barely knows and who isn't in the school. All we know is that she recently found out that he exists. It's also not clear why Mike is smitten when his only contact with Carmen was almost running into her. Does he follow her around? If so, Muriah isn't the only stalker in the book.

Cartoon 761

Caption: Stacy

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New Beginning 798

Rosaluna Lauritchild scanned the vampire's eyes. When she finished she rose to look out a window, ran a finger across the spines of some books; a satisfying feeling of magic emanated from them.

"You show all the signs of feeding on animals, not people: the bruising on your eyes is the worst I've ever seen. Your gums are cracked and blistered. You show all the signs."

She mentally scanned the incense-hung room: bells, jars, candles, and magical paraphernalia were scattered about in their proper places. In one corner there was a large table at which her bodyguard sat. Another, smaller table sat near the window, and it was at one the vampire sat.

Bookshelves lined the free space of the walls. Leather bound tomes filled them to overflowing. The floor was stone. Dampness still showed where the last magical circle had been washed off.

Dominating the room was Rosaluna's chair. From it she could gaze into any one of a half dozen magic mirrors. To its right was a brass tripod on which rested a bronze head which spoke prophetically when the proper spell was cast.

"But you couldn't be as old as you claim to be without having fed on humans at some point. I suggest you explain when you did."

The vampire looked from the magician to Erikka. She was a barbarian, clad in shapely furs, seated at the larger table. Like Rosaluna, she had long reddish hair, though with less copper to it. Surprisingly small-framed, she still wielded a large double-blade axe with ease.

The vampire tried to smile at the barbarian, which is a useless gesture for a vampire at the best of times. Naturally, he received no grin in return.

"I...I've only killed those who tried to kill me. Them and cutpurses or assassins. I do the city a service, really."

"Cutpurses and assassins..." Rosaluna repeated.

"And beggars," the vampire said. "The guy outside the bank who always hustled for change. And the guy inside the bank who gave me shit for filling out the form wrong. And that bitch with the attitude at the DMV. Oh, and there was that suit who thought he could push in front of me at the bus queue. And those two punks who made fun of my clothes and the clerk at Burger King who said I couldn't get breakfast one minute after eleven. Not that I was really that hungry. In fact--"

"Enough," Rosaluna said. "I've heard enough. You're hired!"

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 760

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 834

Guess the Plot

Steamsteel

1. 1852. Lord Byron has come back from the grave as a vampire in Vienna. Can 14-year-old Franz perfect his steam-powered stake-throwing machine-gun in time to save the city?

2. When America entered WWI on the side of Germany, victory was assured. But not everyone is happy with the Kaiser. Neville Snodgrass, meek bookkeeper from London, is visiting Berlin for holiday. But instead of heading for the cabarets, by order of the King he's off to the beer halls, looking for some rabblerouser named Hitler.

3. William Collier works in London designing the large suits of steam powered armour known as Steamsteel. With Steamsteel manufacturers across England turning up murdered, the mysterious Inspector Boyle offers to hide William from the spies thought to be responsible. But is it spies . . . or vampires?

4. Liza feels trapped on Clay Island, so she and her brother Gus fly off in Gus's airship, The Gull. Unfortunately, Gus built the airship from steamsteel, a metal that gets violently hot when exposed to water, so . . . Whoa, are those rain clouds up ahead?

5. Matt Hemstead's future at his uncle's used car dealership seems guaranteed when he comes up with the term Steamsteel to describe 15-year-old rustbuckets . . . until he falls for sexy investigative reporter Madison Smart.

6. He took a wrong turn somewhere outside Fargo. And now Todd Jones is a prisoner of a madman who needs assistance in the diabolical effort to invent a new metal from water. Will Todd perish in this cellar? Or will he find a way to escape out the window with the help of Tina, the madman's beautiful daughter?



Original Version

I am seeking representation for Steamsteel, a young adult steampunk novel complete at 57,000 words. I come to you due to your experience with young adult author representation.

Liza Johnson feels trapped in her home on Clay Island, surrounded by the clouds. When her brother Gus shows blueprints to build an airship, she seizes the opportunity to leave her world of chauvinism and bureaucracy behind. What is the price of her decision, though? [No need to ask if you aren't going to answer.]

Steamsteel is the story of Liza Johnson, the caretaker of her family fortune. Her socially awkward brother Gus is the true heir, but Clay Island's Supreme Judge could rule him mentally unfit to receive the inheritance. Liza would receive the fortune unless she married, at which point her groom would own the estate. This means suitors are lined up at her door, trying to convince Liza to marry to "protect her family's wealth". [If the wealth goes to Gus if he's not unfit, and to Liza if Gus is unfit, how is the wealth in danger if Liza doesn't marry?]

Gus shares a set of blueprints with Liza, blueprints of a flying machine that makes use of steamsteel, an unusual metal that violently heats up when exposed to water. [The maiden flight was going great until it started raining and all the passengers were roasted alive.] Liza sees in the airship the opportunity for her and Gus to leave Clay Island, and all of the other inhabited islands in the clouds, behind in search of a new home. She hires a crew of people who won't be missed [Homeless guys and murderers.] and begins building The Gull. Among her crew is Fizz, a security guard who belongs to a race of people who live in the clouds that separate the islands. Oh, there's also a spy.

The crew take off as the Supreme Judge invades the estate [to demand that Liza marry him]. Knowing they'd be treated as criminals on any other island, they sail to Laurel Island, whose anti-technology Church severed all ties with the rest of society. There, they are tasked with finding mythical Harlan Island by the Archbishop of the Church. Liza, now the unwilling escort of the Archbishop and his mistrusting bodyguard, plots a course for the possible birthplace of their civilization. She instead encounters new threats and a secret that will shift the balance of power among the islands. [This is like a new plot. We're through with Clay Island, so we'll move to Laurel Island and stuff will happen there, and then we'll move to the birthplace of civilization and see what happens there. It's the format of a synopsis, but the brevity of the synopsis in a query letter makes that format sound like just a list of things that happen. We need to find the thread that holds everything together. Were they chased to Laurel Island by the authorities on Clay Island? If not, perhaps we should minimize Clay's role in the query, including the details about the family fortune and suitors: Disgusted with the chauvinism and bureaucracy of Clay Island, Liza Johnson and her brother Gus build an airship and fly off to seek a new home. That pretty much sums up three fourths of the query, leaving plenty of room to cover important points like Do they discover that every island has its problems, and realize that if they find the birthplace of civilization they can get to the bottom of how society went wrong and lead an army back to conquer Clay Island? Is Liza's goal throughout the book just to find a home she likes? If not, what does she ultimately want, and what's her plan to achieve it?]

Steamsteel is the first book in a trilogy, of which the other two volumes have been roughly outlined. Thank you for your consideration.

May I send you the manuscript?

Sincerely,

Notes

Are the islands floating above a planet or in outer space or what?

There's no need to tell us that among the crew of The Gull is Fizz, unless you're going to tell us what vital role he will play in the story. For instance does his power to carbonate liquids save the day over and over?

We don't know enough about the balance of power among the islands to appreciate how a shift in that balance would affect anyone.

Cartoon 759

Caption: Anon.

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Sunday Feature 10

No new Halloween stories came in this week, so here, for your viewing and spewing pleasure, are four frightening films from . . . The Vault!

Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 797

"Tell me you're kidding."

"No, Mr President. First contact has occurred and they've landed in Andorra."

The President put out his hand for the papers Don Carlos was carrying.

"That little space between France and Spain that on a map looks like the rectum of Europe? That Andorra?"

"I wouldn't put it like that in an election year, Sir. No reason to offend minorities in an election year."

"Don, how many immigrants from Andorra do we have?"

"They tend to band together."

The phone buzzed. The President put it on speaker but didn't manage to get a greeting out.

"Can you fucking believe this? Andorra. God-damn, they're about four mountains where Frogs and Spics crossbreed with their God-damn sisters. How are we going to handle this?"

"By that, Jim, I take it you mean how will I handle it and can you tag along?"

"Tag team? Yes, good idea, Mr. President. Think about it. Andorran sisters!"

"Dammit, Jim, do you always think with your dick? How are we gonna handle first contact?"

The phone was silent as Jim considered the question. "I suppose we could buy them a couple drinks and try the old lint on the sleeve trick."


Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 758

Caption: Anon.

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