Face-Lift 837

Guess the Plot

Lullaby of Allat

1. Legend speaks of the demon-child Allat, who will bring ruin to the world should he awake. The Sacred Order of Choristers are sworn to prevent this from happening, but every year their numbers grow fewer. Can a cocky young inventor with wax cylinder technology save the day?

2. Young Sir Allat is heir to the family secret: a melody that puts its hearers to sleep for 100 years. Everyone in the kingdom is at pains to amuse him, because he has a wicked sense of ironic humor and god only knows what he'd do if somebody bored him.

3. When Dr. Alison Grayden finds a copy of the legendary Medieval poem "Lullaby of Allat" in her late aunt's safe deposit box, she's thrilled. Only--how did the manuscript, lost for 600 years, end up in a safe deposit box in Burbank? Also, a djinn.

4. For years Thea has been tormented by music in her head. But when the demon Acreosate invades, she realizes her destiny: to sing him to sleep! Right after she convinces the king to put a 13 year old girl in charge of the army.

5. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

6. When permanent insomnia strikes the king and queen of Khobistan, their health is at risk. Then a troubadour named Allat arrives, claiming his songs can bring sleep--but for a price: their first-born. Is that price worth the nightmares that will accompany the . . . Lullaby of Allat?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Louisa Dove is the practical, hardworking assistant of a prominent archaeologist in Victorian era London. Things [What things?] take a turn for the strange, however, [That transitional phrase makes no sense here, as you haven't described or declared a situation in which "things" weren't strange. Quite the opposite, in fact: a female archaeologist in Victorian-era London is pretty strange to begin with. To clarify, in which of the following does the transition work:

Bob's job making pads by gluing the top edge of sheets of paper together is so boring, the most exciting part of his day is when a telemarketer phones to suggest he switch long-distance carriers. However, his life takes a turn for the bizarre when . . .

Bob is a unicycle mechanic. However, his life becomes strange when . . .]
when formerly deceased pickpocket Pete Daggney [Never use terms like "formerly deceased" or "undead" when you can instead use "zombie." In fact, even if Daggney isn't a zombie, I recommend calling him "zombie-like" or saying, . . . when Pete Daggney, who gives every indication of being . . . a ZOMBIE! . . . ] turns up on her doorstep, seeking an explanation for his sudden reanimation. [He doesn't need her for an explanation. If he craves blood, he's a vampire. If he craves brains he's a zombie. And if neither of those is the case, he's the son of God.] [By the way, what makes him think she has an explanation?] An occult artifact of unknown origin is to blame, [I have an artifact, and I have no idea where it came from, but I know it is responsible for turning you into a zombie.] but to undo Daggney's unfortunate state, Louisa and her mentor must track the object back to its source. [How do they know they must do this?]

Along the way, their journey is riddled with complications, thanks to the meddling of the charming Mr. Villiers, amature [amateur] treasure hunter and future English Earl, unexpected Bulgarian railway bandits, [No need to call Bulgarian railway bandits "unexpected." No one expects Bulgarian railway bandits.] [For that matter, no one expects Bulgarians.] and not one, but two secret societies [If one secret society is a drawing card, two is a major attraction. Of course, the more secret societies you have in one place, the harder it is for them to stay secret.] seeking the same prize. [If you mean the same prize that Louisa is seeking, I didn't know she was seeking a prize. What is the prize?] Now, Louisa is caught up in a race to locate the tomb of an ancient [Bulgarian] bandit king, before what is contained within can be used to raise an army of the dead [zombies], and threaten the sanctity of the British Empire. [Is "sanctity" the word you want? I was thinking "stability" or "security." Or "braaaaaiiiiins."]

LULLABY OF ALLAT is an updated version of the Victorian pulp serial, with elements taken from turn of the century [Turn of which century?] gothic novels and traditional scientific romance. [Traditional scientific romance:

It is action-packed, fast-paced and complete at 90,000 words.


[Not part of query: ((Allat is a Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld, whom the aforementioned bandit king worshipped.))]


Notes

Was the bandit king the king of some bandits or a king who was also a bandit? I don't see why a king would want to be a bandit or why bandits would want a king, but then I'm not Bulgarian.

Louisa goes to an awful lot of trouble to make Pete the pickpocket dead again. Assuming Pete wants to be dead again, can't they just burn him at the stake?

The first paragraph is a useful setup, but I think I'd prefer the second paragraph focus on what's in the tomb and who wants to use it to destroy Britain than on secret societies and bandits and an annoying earl.

For those who like to keep track of such things, this is the first appearance of Bulgarians in a query since Face-Lift 280.

Face-Lift 759

Guess the Plot

Zombies in Love

1. High school's tough for everyone, but while other kids have to worry about locking braces when they kiss, Francie and Chad have to worry about their lips falling off.

2. After the zombie apocalypse kills us all, Marley discovers that brains taste sweeter when he's shambling alongside Dixie Adams. But then the vampires show up and ruin everything.

3. Soon after Jack starts working in Lisa's pizza parlor, romance blossoms. Should he tell her he's a zombie now, or let her find out the hard way, when customers complain that fingers weren't among the toppings they ordered?

4. Melissa has grown tired of dating men who are interested only in her body. Eventually she meets George, a man who actually wants her for her braaaaaaaaaiiins.

5. John's beloved zombie bride Marsha has been kidnapped. Can he lead his fellow rotting corpses through the city and rescue her before she ends up as fertilizer?

6. Marla Higginson falls asleep watching TV only to awaken in a Zombiefied version of her favorite soap. Will she escape Zombism or, since her lover Brendan is now undead, will she convert for him? Tune in tomorrow when…


Original Version

“I am seeking representation for my humorous paranormal romance novel, Zombies in Love, complete at 68,000 words long.

When he was alive, Jack Kershaw's laziness and untrustworthiness nearly destroyed the family business. Now that he's a zombie, Jack has two simple goals: to hold on to his new job at Lisa Alioto's pizza parlor, and to keep his murderous cousin from realizing that he's not entirely deceased. But that's before he realizes that Lisa's delicious body may be even less attractive than her generosity and integrity, [What I think you're trying to say is: But that's before he realizes that Lisa's generosity and integrity are even more attractive than her delicious body. Trust me, no woman wants her body described as "even less attractive than" . . . anything.] and he begins to wonder-- has he found the love of his life after he's already dead?

Lisa Alioto has always lived the life her parents planned out for her, supporting her family and working diligently at Alioto's Pizza. [If you're gonna plan out your kid's life, always include a section on how she should support you.] But when handsome, charming Jack comes into her life, she remembers the wild young girl she used to be. [You just said she has always lived the life her parents planned out for her. When was she a wild thing?] Could a romance with Jack be the adventure she's always wanted?

But Jack and Lisa are in serious danger. Jack's second chance at life is the inadvertent result of a lab experiment by two graduate students, and Winthrop University-- a school with plenty of sinister secrets-- will do anything to conceal that someone on its campus raised the dead. [Winthrop University is your villain? What happened to Jack's murderous cousin? Why was he even brought up if he's not the villain?] [Are you sure Winthrop is on board with you claiming they have sinister secrets? You can always make up a college name.] After Jack inadvertently infects Lisa, she is equally at risk. [Technically, don't you have to be dead before you can be a zombie?] The two of them must find strengths they never knew they had if they want to gain happiness together. [A vague and blah last sentence. What, specifically, do they have to do?]

The academic sections of this novel are partly based on my experiences earning a PhD in the History of American Civilization at Harvard University [but I used Winthrop instead of Harvard because Winthrop doesn't have a secret slush fund for having slandering alumni murdered]. As an independent historian, I have published academic essays on the American middle class [, which certainly qualifies me to write about zombies,] and on merchants in Charleston during the Revolutionary Era. I have also edited and co-written _________________. Under my fiction-writing pen name, ______________, I have published several short stories such as "_____________, and the novella_____________, available as an e-book from Drollerie Press. “

Best,


Notes

Not sure why the entire body of the letter is enclosed in quotation marks.

If someone told me they'd inadvertently made me a zombie, I probably wouldn't believe them. Until I started craving brain pizza. In any case, I don't think I'd take it well.

When you say the "academic sections" of the novel are based on Harvard, do you mean the sections in which grad students create a zombie? Or is it the part where the students come into the pizza parlor, get drunk, destroy the place, kill someone for laughs, and get off with a slap on the wrist because their parents know a Kennedy?

When you open by saying Jack nearly destroyed the family business when he was alive, I expect him to save the business as a zombie. Just like I expect more about the murderous cousin. As neither gets mentioned again, let's leave them out and open something like:

Jack Kershaw has two simple goals: to hold on to his new job at Lisa Alioto's pizza parlor, and to keep Lisa from finding out that he's a zombie.

Lisa is bored with her life, but when handsome, charming Jack comes along, she remembers the wild young girl she used to be, how she's long dreamed of having a romantic adventure . . . though admittedly with someone who was alive.


Now you have more space to give us some detail about the serious danger they're in and what they plan to do about it.

Face-Lift 633

Guess the Plot

Hound in Blood and Black

1. When 5th grader Sindy Snowden arrives for her second day at school everything is really freaky. She soon realizes that's because her teacher opened a portal to a cartoon world and was replaced by Huckleberry Hound.

2. Louie is the last werehound in Nashville. He spends most of his time listening to old Elvis tunes, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, brooding over the past. Except, of course, when the moon shines and he goes crazy chasing cats and rabbits. Which is exactly how he meets Elvira, Queen of the Night, a washed-up harlot with a kind heart, who thinks he has a future in show business.

3. Thirteen year old Gwendar has made a terrible mistake; he has insulted the dreaded High King Dreadmost. Dreadmost casts Gwendar into the royal kennel for punishment. There, Gwendar must fight amongst the hounds for his very survival. But Gwendar does more than survive, he rises to become leader of the pack.

4. Her nickname: Hound. Her occupation: zombie poacher. But on this futuristic Earth, zombies aren't killed; they're captured and pitted against each other in gladiatorial combat. When Hound gets bitten by a zombie, will she lose her humanity and be forced to fight other zombies for the entertainment of the rabble?

5. The Hound of the Baskervilles is not dead, merely in hiding. It's going to take all the wits of Dr. Watson's ten-year old descendant, Emma, to deal with this one - and where's Holmes when you really need him? Reincarnated as a rabbit! How is he going to survive this time?

6. When reporter Vali Thorres finds artist Luke Klaus's most vocal critic with his throat ripped out, he follows the blood to one of Klaus's paintings. Before he can call the police, both trail and body vanish. Thorres must find a way to restore Klaus's soul before the creatures he bargained with are unleashed.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Kumari is a wrangler; a poacher [a puppet, a pirate, a poet,] and a gambler who catches zombies and fights them against one another as gladiators. All she wanted to do was live and die without becoming a monster. [As the rest of the query is in present tense, that sentence may as well be, too.] In a broken Earth populated by undead, slavers, drought and greed, this isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Kumari’s simple life changes from one of survival to something much more complicated [Can a life centered around capturing zombies and pitting them against other zombies in the arena really be called "simple"?] when she wins a girl in a risky gamble – a child-slave desperate to find something to live for in the world Kumari has forsaken – [What is the world Kumari has forsaken?] and is forced to kill her closet friend when he is bitten by an undead. [This wouldn't have happened if her friend had come out of the closet.] When running to a new city in hopes of escaping her pain causes more problems than it solves, Kumari faces the loss of the only thing worth living for when she is infected by a zombie bite: her humanity.

HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, complete at approximately 100,000 words, is science fiction/horror. Kumari’s story explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies [like it is in most other books about the future], but fighting them against each other in gladiatorial combat – the only way left for mankind to prove to themselves that they aren’t the real monsters.

In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. Recently, Savage was republished in the April 2009 issue of the Apex online magazine. [Now I've expanded it into this novel in hopes of milking it for yet another paycheck.]

Thank you for your consideration,

Author's note (not part of query): The title comes from the following: Kumari's nickname is Hound, black marks are the highest ranking matches for a wrangler to participate in, and the blood refers to how the zombies are prepped for combat (coated in human blood to make them fight each other). [Coated in whose human blood?] When Kumari becomes a gladiator herself, and fights the zombies in the pit, she's no exception. So Hound in Blood and Black refers to Kumari when she fights under black marks, painted in blood.


Notes

There's too much about the world and not enough about the story. No need to tell us it's a world in which zombies fight as gladiators in both the first and third paragraphs. Instead, give us more about the child-slave, who I assume is a major player.

When it takes almost as many words to explain your title as it does to summarize your plot, it's time to find a simpler title.

If the hound in the title is your main character, you might want to refer to her as "Hound" at least once in the query. Of course this action won't be necessary when you change the title to Zombie Gladiators of Lorkha Tau.

On the other hand, you will have to change your setting to Lorkha Tau.

Everyone knows vampire bites turn you into a vampire and zombies eat your brains. This is like writing a book in which sharks solve crimes and detectives eat surfers.

Do zombie fights take place in a coliseum, with wranglers just providing the zombies, or is it more like cockfighting, where the wrangler brings her zombie to some pit in the boondocks where people gamble on fights?

Do zombie gladiators need swords? Can't they just plod around waiting for their opponents' limbs to fall off?

Face-Lift 590

Guess the Plot





1. Panic sets in at Glitzy Gloria's Hair and Nails Emporium when all of Tuesday morning's ladies turn up with pasty white complexions and a taste for brains.

2. When her parents quit their jobs and move the family to Tennessee, Cami ends up with a summer job putting abnormally intelligent zombies back into their graves. Talk about your dead-end jobs.

3. Gelsey's an ambitious young ad executive with a credit stealing boss, a sassy back-talking best friend, and a cute but mysteriously shy handyman who just may be the face of her next campaign. Oh, did I mention they're all dead?

4. When Lucy Contreras realizes Fernando is watching TV not because he really likes animal shows, but because he's actually dead, she invites her girlfriends to come over and celebrate. Upon discovering that he can still move about and obey simple commands, they send the monster out to rob a bank. Hilarity ensues.

5. Professor Henchly has a theory about the brainless dolts in Economics 101. He decides not to tell Dean Rodafescu the university has a serious problem, and tries to proactively solve the problem with a spray can of insecticide but his theory is wrong and everything goes horribly awry.

6. Dr. Jane Sarah's sweetbreads program is helping Seth maintain normalcy, and so is the personalized "therapy" Dr. Sarah administers, but when his primary physician gives up the ghost and his deli goes belly-up Seth reverts to type and starts eating live brains. Will Dr. Sarah's special brand of tough love work on a Zombie?



Original Version

Camielle Moreno never imagined that she'd be spending the summer before her senior year putting zombies back in their graves, but when her parents sign a contract with the Wrights, one of the secretive Families responsible for dealing with the undead, quit their jobs, and move the family to Tennessee, she doesn't have much choice. [It's true. If you move to Tennessee, you have no choice but to deal with the undead.] Now her family's future is in her hands. If the Wrights like her, her parents and younger sisters will have money and advantages they never dreamed of. If they don't, the Morenos will be jobless and penniless. [I know zombie work pays well, thanks to the extra hazard of possibly having your brains eaten, but isn't the kid gonna quit after three months? Can three months of zombie work really have the family sitting so pretty?]

With no friends, a mentor that hates her [Why?] and a job that involves re-killing small children and family pets, [I could never kill a zombie hamster. A zombie kid or cat, yes, but not a zombie hamster. In fact, I would let it eat little bits of my brain. They say we don't use 90% of our brains anyway. I would say, "Here little fella, have a morsel of grey matter."] Cami doesn't think things could get any worse. But then Gramps, the Wright patriarch, dies, and things get weird. A rival Family decides they want Cami for their own, abnormally intelligent zombies appear wherever she goes, [Zombies who eat only the brains of geniuses would be abnormally intelligent. They would quickly become leaders of the zombies. But would they gravitate to politics and education, or the arts? A zombie orchestra would be cool.] and Cami's mentor is suddenly begging for her help.

Can she figure out what's going on before someone gets hurt?

Written for the young adult market, Zombie is complete at 60,000 words [Just Zombie? No exclamation point? You can expect the publisher to change that.] and may appeal to fans of Maureen Johnson or P.C. and Kristin Cast. Sample pages are available upon request.

Thank you for your time,


Notes

There's too much information in your first sentence. Cut it off after "graves." Then you can say: Unfortunately, her parents signed a contract with the Wrights and moved the family to Tennessee, so she has no choice.

Mind if I pick your brain for a minute? Is there something about Cami you're not telling us? Usually an inexperienced high school kid isn't in such demand. We need to know why she's the one, and why her parents are willing to bank everything on her.

Face-Lift 537

Guess the Plot

The Iron Queen

1. 1870. Patrick O'Byrne is a member of the Molly Maguires, the underground organization of Irish miners in Pennsylvania. What his fellow miners don't know, however, is that Patrick is really Patricia, doing men's work to support her children. When handsome Thomas Fitzgerald arrives, will she be able to keep her secret, or will her heart betray her?

2. Queen Voula rules with an iron fist, especially when it comes to her servants. But that doesn't keep Linea, the zombie maid from shirking her duties to be with Leo. When Leo dies and becomes a zombie, can he and Linea kill Voula before she destroys their souls?

3. "Plain" Jane Beaner's life is changed when her late aunt's lawyer informs her she has not only inherited a fortune, but her aunt's hidden superpowers as the Iron Queen. Suddenly her life is way beyond cool. But will she be ready when she finds out the guy she's been crushing on since forever is now her nemesis?

4. When Clyde introduces an Employee of the Month award at the laundry, he never expects to start finding contestants' bodies in the mangle. Someone is desperate to become The Iron Queen, but can Clyde find the killer before another presser is murdered? Also, handy tips for removing blood from fabric.

5. Bendacia has ruled Gorar with an iron fist for nearly forty years. But now the aging, spinster queen must chose a successor. Can she find someone worthy amongst the various princes? Also, a blind wizard.

6. When Noah Washington steals an antique metal chesspiece from a neigborhood pawn shop, he has no idea it's part of a set created by a 14th century alchemist to hold the secret of the Philosopher's Stone. Now he's being hunted by agents of the Vatican, servants of a modern would-be sorceror and the sycophants of a wealthy industrialist who owns the other pieces.


Original Version

Dear Evilest of Editors:

Linea's compulsive questioning wouldn't be a problem if she were a normal teenage girl. But Linea is a zombie, and Dark Queen Voula doesn't like her servants asking questions. Cleaning musty catacombs has Linea bored stiff, so she ventures to the living world in search of a little excitement. What she finds is Leo—a confident, headstrong guy who instantly captivates her. Soon she questions everything about her life in the Underworld.

[Leo introducing Linea to his parents:

Leo: Mom, Dad, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Linea.

Mom: Correct me if I'm wrong, Leo, but isn't this woman a zombie?

Linea: Brains. Must eat brains.

Dad: She does have nice hands. Is there some way to reattach them?]

Linea breaks all the rules to be with Leo— [How does Leo feel about this? I mean, it's a little awkward when someone is infatuated with you and the feeling isn't mutual, even when the someone in question isn't interested in eating your brain.] she spends time on the surface, ignores her duties, and reveals her true identity for love that transcends death. When Leo is killed unexpectedly, she then finds her boyfriend transformed into a zombie, but not for long. Through their relationship Leo becomes a Lich— [Not clear what you mean by "through their relationship."] Queen Voula's most feared enemy. Before Voula discovers the truth about Leo, they must find her weakness and kill her, or else she will destroy their souls. [If they kill her, will she become a zombie? If not, what determines who becomes a zombie?]

An 80,000-word YA contemporary fantasy, The Iron Queen is my first novel and has an option for a sequel. Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,


Notes

If it's "Dark" Queen Voula, why isn't the title The Dark Queen?

It's okay, but there's room for more information about zombies and Leo. Do zombies look and act like normal people? Are they a threat to normal people? Does Leo have anything against Voula, or does becoming a Lich make him automatically her enemy for no good reason? Can a romance really work when one of the participants is dead?

Face-Lift 486

Guess the Plot

Death and Taxes

1. All work and no pay. A penny saved is a penny earned. Just do it. Another day older and deeper in debt. The sky is falling. Another day, another dollar. Farmer Bob Jones deconstructs popular economic theories as he drives his combine across Kansas.

2. Jim "the butcher" Takamini has the Yakuza horning in on his sushi business. But when the IRS decides to do an audit, he learns there's one thing even more inevitable than death and taxes: the wrath of his mother-in-law.

3. Tax collector Ryan Conner doesn't know why no one in Colmera Springs ever pays taxes, but he's going to put a stop to it, even if it means throwing the whole town into jail. Maybe Conner would have thought twice if he'd known the truth: that the residents of Colmera Springs are all . . . zombies!

4. A glamrock tribute band from Des Moines gets attacked by a skinhead mob in the reptile house of the Amsterdam zoo. When they flee through the red light district, a chance encounter with an IRS agent and a Puerto Rican undertaker becomes their only hope of getting safely back to Des Moines.

5. Desperate for revenue, the federal government pushes through legislation that makes "you can't take it with you" legally binding. Souls are not allowed to pass on until all taxes are settled in full. But Harry Needleman would rather spend eternity in limbo than let the government get its hands on his last fifty dollars.

6. Jacqueline poisons her husband, Jerome, to collect on his $100,000 insurance policy. But getting away with murder isn't all it's cracked up to be when it turns out Jerome owes over $200,000 in back taxes. Not only that, it turns out the IRS is more irritating than Jerome ever was.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like to offer my manuscript, Death and Taxes, complete at 55,000 words, to you for review and consideration for representation.

No one in the forgotten town of Colmera Springs has paid taxes in 160 years. [160 years ago, no one in any U.S. town was paying taxes. The income tax became constitutional in 1913. There were brief periods of income tax from 1862 - 68, and 1894- 95. Internal taxes on tobacco and alcohol existed in various periods, but 160 years ago, government was financed by tariffs on imported goods.] No one has ever come to collect, and no one there ever bothers to file. Toby, Danita and the other residents would rather just play a game of Eats with whoever happens by.

Ryan Conner is a tax collector. Armed with rubber stamp, ballpoint pen, and his new secretary Clarice, he greatly enjoys serving notices and seizing assets. The fact that his newest target – Colmera Springs – is inhabited by zombies makes no difference. [Or does it? If you died last year you have to pay taxes on last year, but if you died 160 years ago, I think you're clear.] They didn't even bother to file an extension! [Of course zombies don't file; the tax laws for zombies are too strict. For instance, to take the deduction for business meals, a zombie is required to obtain a receipt from the person whose brains he eats. And don't get me started on Schedule Z, Depreciation of Body Parts.] At the first sight of Toby, Clarice is more than ready to leave the mountain town, go home and find a new job. Her boss however, never backs down, and he has the keys to the car.

Ryan ends up infected [Zombiefied. If you don't use the technical terminology you look like a hack.], Clarice and her boyfriend Nick are taken for questioning when the government steps in, and most of the zombies are shot in the head. Everyone is taken underground to the Tau Seven Research Facility.

Observations and testing quickly commence using everything from samples, [Samples of what?] to parfaits,

[Sir, we've captured a zombie. Shall we begin testing to determine how he was able to reanimate?

Later. First let's observe his reaction to a strawberry parfait.]

to ballpoint pens that attract zombies. Clarice and Nick attempt an escape that results in a cascade of system failures – effectively letting Toby and Danita out of their cells. The last survivors of Colmera Springs repopulate their numbers utilizing research personnel.

With new freedom, Toby seeks out his own ballpoint pen while Danita quickly organizes a new game of Eats. Clarice and Nick must now try and escape the facility while playing fetch for the surviving scientists who want data tapes and the UCK (Universe Creation Kit). [You're losing me.] Soon however, everyone involved – human and living dead alike – must deal with Ryan. He has succumbed to his infection, but retained his identity. As he is now both Death and Taxes, nothing stops him.

For over a decade I have paid taxes, and am well familiar with how annoying they are. I have even used ballpoint pens when needed, and the occasional rubber stamp. During my three years as a chaplain, I have also been around a number of corpses (though none have [has] walked, yet). [As a chaplain you should know enough to call them vitality-challenged beings, rather than corpses. I mean, would you speak to a group at a viewing by saying, Joe was a wonderful man and it would please him greatly to know so many of you have turned out to see his corpse.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send a copy of the completed manuscript for your review. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It should be shortened. I would ditch the part about being held captive for experiments and escaping. After the long Ryan paragraph you can say something like:

The government steps in to help clean up Colmera Springs, but for every zombie they kill, Toby and Danita manage to zombiefy two government agents. When Taxman Ryan is himself zombiefied, both humans and undead are in trouble, for Ryan is now the most unstoppable force on the planet: Death and Taxes. Can Toby and Danita somehow destroy Ryan and salvage their freedom from taxation?

Of course that Death and Taxes line is basically just a gag, but I get the impression it's a gag in the book as well. On the other hand it's pretty lame, so maybe you sould at least ditch it from the query.

The part about government experiments has a more serious tone than the opening. It seems to have switched from a comedy to a thriller. Possibly you can pull that off in the book, but I'd stick with one genre in the query.

Face-Lift 389

Guess the Plot

Zombie Stakeout

1. Dana's aunt mail-ordered a husband, but the man seems to be a zombie, and he's not the only one in town. The living dead are growing in numbers, and the only way Dana can uncover the mastermind is to make a deal . . . with the vampires.

2. When Benny Johnson and his partner stop for dinner before the biggest stakeout of their lives, Benny orders eggs, and his partner orders . . . brains. Soon Benny finds out why. Jeez, ya think ya know someone.

3. Boggy John didn't spell real good, but he had a knack for grilling steaks. Once people found out Zombie Stakeout was a restaurant, Boggy had more business than he could handle. But would they keep coming if they found out where he got his meat?

4. Petra is determined to catch the killer who has been decimating the population of Shady Oaks Retirement Village. And this time, she has the right bait: Fresh brains! If she doesn't catch the real killer soon, however, she's going to prison for a long, long time.

5. Mossy Dan and the risen dead have tired of pizza. Now they're headed for the local Sizzler. But will they indeed consume the succulent beef they set out for? Or will they settle for the meal they grew tired of before they grew tired of pizza . . . human brains? The impromptu health inspection they stage at the restaurant will give them the answer.

6. Plucky teenager Zenobia Schwartz battles the zombies who have invaded her Connecticut prep school. Inspired by historic tales, she places the heads of decapitated zombies on her school fence to deter others. But she has a better idea when she spots an ant hill out front.



Original Version

CIA agents. Vampires. Zombies. Mail order spouses. Welcome to [Evil Editor's blog.] Lowersex…

Mediating between her psycho dad and suspected vampire teens, Dana Spark is offered a job with a paranormal investigation agency. But her youth is exploited, ordered to infiltrate the emo subculture—not her idea of a good time. And there's the risk of becoming a donor for bloodsuckers, with no guarantee of compensation. [We're moving too fast here. What exactly is she mediating? She's offered a job while mediating?

Okay, Dad, you sit on this side of the table. Vampires, that side. With fangs retracted, please. Thank you. Now, before we--

Ms. Spark? Sorry to interrupt--

Who are you?

I'm with Monster.com. It's about the résumé you posted last week?

Did she accept the job offer despite the extreme drawbacks, and if so, why? Fill in the cracks.]

Meanwhile, the man that Dana's aunt mail-ordered seems to be a zombie, and he's not the only one in Lowersex. The living dead are growing in numbers, [Finally a true zombie book, instead of one of those cheap imitations with one bit part for a zombie.]

[This being a short query, we have room for . . . Quotes from the movie My Boyfriend's Back:

Mrs. Dingle: Dr. Bronson, the reason I called is that our son Johnny... died the other day, and I was wondering if you could take a look at him... Would you like to talk to him? Sure. Johnny?

Dr. Bronson: Okay, well, you're dead. Which is unusual, because we don't normally see this much activity in a dead person.

Missy: Johnny, hi! Uh, listen, I think it's really great that you're back from the dead and all, but I've got gym.

Dr. Bronson: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your boy is very sick. He's lost a massive amount of blood, and his pulse and retinal response are poor, and as you can see there's an axe sticking out of his head.

Johnny: It's because I'm dead, isn't it. That's why you won't go out with me.
Missy: Don't insult me.
Johnny: You're afraid of what people might say, aren't you. Behind your back, everybody whispering, 'there goes Missy and the dead kid'!

Buck Van Patten: You think you can hang out with us decent living folks like you're still alive or something?
Johnny: Why is everyone making such a big deal about this? I've only been dead ONE DAY.

Johnny: What?
Eddie: What do you mean, what? You just tried to take a bite out of my arm!

Big Chuck: Is there anyone in my family you DON'T plan to eat?

Reporter Brenda: We just received word that some sort of tragedy has happened in the high school today.
Sheriff McCloud: No, nothing unusual.
Reporter Brenda: I was referring to the slaughter.
Sheriff McCloud: Right, well, there was that.]

and the mastermind is likely a bloodsucker. But to uncover the true culprit, Dana must make a deal with the vampires' emperor that will cost more than just her blood—it could screw up the rest of her life. As if her paranoid CIA parents weren't trouble enough…


Notes

This is just the plot part of the query, as the credits are the same as the author's previous queries (426, 427, 428).

As with the others, it's not telling us the story, just touching on highlights. Sort of like listing quotes from a movie.

Face-Lift 240

Guess the Plot

Personal Demons

1. In a world of witchcraft, zombies, and therapy clinics run by soul-sucking creatures, a psychic therapist's life is in the hands of three demons named Malleus, Maleficarum, and Spud.

2. In an attempt to distinguish their store from all the rest, a Fifth Avenue boutique does away with personal shoppers and brings in Personal Demons. Hilarity ensues when the evil ones try to coordinate Dolce and Gabbano.

3. Becoming a demon master wasn't on the agenda for bridge night, but it's in the cards when intrepid Amelia Pettipants finds a gateway to Hell burgeoning in her basement. Will the bridge mix hold up to the heat?

4. Tom McClintock is put in a bad situation when his personals ad is accidentally truncated and his invitation to enjoy a "personal demonstration" draws interest from more than just the girls.

5. Janet Jones has given up cigarettes, beer, overeating, overspending, fast driving, worthless boyfriends, loud music, skimpy outfits, and blue eyeshadow, but can she surrender the ultimate demon--her cell phone?

6. Seeing a niche with self-serving baby boomers, Satan secretly modifies thousands of laptop computers by adding chips that disable the consciences of their users. Also, a rodeo clown!


Original Version

Dear Agent Wonderful,

PERSONAL DEMONS is a sexy urban fantasy novel. It is approximately 94,000 words long.

Therapist Megan Chase keeps her psychic abilities secret, but finds they come in handy in her work. When she's offered a job as host of her own radio show, Personal Demons, she's pleased to help people who never would have been able to become her patients before.

But her radio program puts Megan's life in serious danger. Personal demons really exist, and they believe the show's "slay your demons" concept is a threat. They plan to kill her, but not before terrorizing her a little first for fun. Knowing this, a mysterious man— [Mysterious man? Is this the mysterious man who lives on Miss Pettipants's street?] who is either a vicious demon, the hero Megan's been waiting for all her life, or possibly both—steps in. He wants to help her, but gaining the use of her powers in order to take over his demon "family" is a bonus he's counting on, too. Aside from trying his hardest to spend the night, he assigns her three demon bodyguards—Malleus, Maleficarum, and Spud, all of whom have a little trouble adjusting to this 'helping people' gig. On top of it all, the publicity has put her practice in jeopardy, [The publicity of having a radio show? Why, her practice should have tripled in size.] and she's being shadowed by a reporter with psychic abilities of his own— [Is there anyone in this book who doesn't belong in the X-Men?] and a very strong conviction that Megan is flirting with the wrong side of the Good vs. Evil battle. His questions force Megan to re-examine a tragedy she thought she left in her past—the death of a homeless man, who Megan was wrongfully suspected of murdering.

As Megan discovers a world she never knew existed—a world of demons who really sit on people's shoulders and convince them to do bad things, a world of witchcraft, zombies, [Zombies! Send me the complete manuscript, FedEx overnight.] and therapy clinics run by soul-sucking creatures of unspeakable evil, [She's psychic. Shouldn't she have known at least some of these things existed? Zombies and demons all around her, and she's using her powers to guess whether some card has a cross or wavy lines on it.] she must face not only the threat to her life but some of her own personal demons. Maybe those radio paychecks aren't big enough, after all.

PERSONAL DEMONS is a stand-alone novel, but I do have ideas for several more books using these characters [, especially Spud, who I see breaking out with his own self-help series and a cookbook,] and different characters in this universe. Under my pen name, [redacted], I've published three erotic romance short stories [Send me those, too. We don't publish them, but I need to get a handle on your body. Of work.] and a soon-to-be-released novel with [small publisher]. Another novel, a historical romance, was released by [medium publisher] and I recently sold an erotic romance novel to [fairly big publisher], as well.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Agent Wonderful,

PERSONAL DEMONS is a sexy urban fantasy novel. It is approximately 94,000 words long.

Therapist Megan Chase hosts a radio call-in show called Personal Demons, helping people who otherwise could never be her patients. But when it turns out that personal demons actually exist, and that they see the program's "slay your demons" catchphrase as a threat, Megan's life is suddenly in danger.

But Megan has a protector, a mysterious man who just might be the hero she's been waiting for all her life. He assigns her three klutzy demon bodyguards—Malleus, Maleficarum, and Spud—all of whom have trouble adjusting to their "helping people" gig. Megan isn't sure she'll survive their kind of help. And making matters worse, she begins to suspect that her hero may have his own self-serving motives for coming to her aid.

As Megan discovers a world she never knew existed—a world in which demons really sit on people's shoulders and convince them to lie, cheat and steal, she must deal with the threat to her life, with a reporter who insists on delving into her past, and with a few of her own personal demons. Maybe those radio paychecks aren't worth the price she's paying, after all.

PERSONAL DEMONS is a stand-alone novel, but I'm planning additional books using many of the same characters. Under my pen name, [redacted], I've published ________, a historical romance ([medium publisher]), and have sold two as-yet-unpublished novels to [fairly big publisher] and [small publisher]. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

There were a few awkward sentences I was going to attempt to fix, but eliminating them was easier.

While I'm sure it's perfectly logical in the book that Megan is suspected of murdering a homeless guy, it seems far-fetched in the query, and it seemed to be out on an island by itself anyway. I also didn't see the need to bring up psychic powers. An editor might want to believe there's someone normal in the book. Of course the toughest decision was taking out the zombies. It killed me to take out the zombies. Are you sure there are zombies in the book? You didn't just throw them into the query to make Evil Editor happy?