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Guess the Plot

A Kingdom of Nightmares

1. Sparrow is a mere councilwoman, but she has the king's ear, and uses this power to control him. But being in charge of a corrupt kingdom isn't all it's cracked upn to be.

2. Folk author Chip Thorn sets out to cross America gathering light-hearted man-on-the-street anecdotes about grocery shopping, home ownership, job hunting,  and other topics involving the American dream. Within an hour, he realizes his new book will be way darker than he imagined.

3. Narcolept Vinny Ventura was so desperate for work he became a Dreamkeeper, despite the warnings. Parts of his job are silly, like when he's stripped to the skin and cake chases him down the hall of his high school. Then there's wrangling the monsters: rotting vampires, eldritch horrors, and of course Mrs. Hoffenheim, his algebra teacher.

4. When Din-ni became evil overlord, he expected to spend his time breeding monsters and holding decadent masquerades, not doing paperwork for 18 hours a day. It's bad enough, he starts employing the would-be heroes who come to fight him.

Original Version

A Kingdom of Nightmares is a 71000 word Speculative Fiction novel that features religious power and influence from Mia Tsai's The Memory Hunters and elements of societal control from Robert Jackson Bennett's The Tainted Cup. [It's probably worth mentioning, though you may consider it nitpicking, that the three book titles in that sentence should be italicized, there should be a hyphen between the 1 and the 0 in 71000, you need a hyphen between "71,000" and "word," and speculative fiction doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, it almost seems as if you're saying you took elements from those comp books, rather than your book has themes similar to what's in those books. That's a lot of stuff, and all in the first sentence the agent sees from you. You don't want her thinking that's an example of what's in the book.] 

Sparrow Ashfield commands the attention of a room, making political power plays with ruthless perfection. Her ambition is cultivated by her father, Elliot Ashfield, who grooms her for the role of council member, so she may control the King. [If she's not already a council member, what is her position, that allows her to make ruthless political power plays?] To exert her will and claim authority over Prosperity. [Is Prosperity the kingdom's name? The king's? The city's?] But as her influence over the King grows, the city teems with unrest. [She's now a council member? How does the newest council member have so much influence? If I were one of the long-standing council members, and this newbie showed up and tried to take charge, I'd immediately arrange her assassination.] A resistance sparks in the Lower City, rallying against the aristocrats and their King. Yet her uncle, the Archbishop, manages to stay their hand through religious dogma and righteous punishment. 

The grip Elliot has on Sparrow's mind holds strong for years. She places him on a golden pedestal, never once questioning his judgement. Until a guilty aristocrat is pardoned for the rape and murder of a peasant. Until the blasphemous words her brother whispers in her ear start to take root. Reminding Sparrow of a time when she cried for slaves and peasants, and did not long for power. [Non-sentences acting as sentences is okay for effect, but three in a row is a bit much. Maybe connect the last two with a comma.] When she imagines the peasant girl dead and defiled in the alleyway, something inside her cracks. Prosperity has been devoured by men of power, and Sparrow doesn't know which side she belongs on. [My impression is that Sparrow knows which side she belongs on. Which also makes a better last sentence.]

Notes

What is this council Sparrow is groomed for? A city council? A council of advisers to the king? I don't see how one city councilwoman gets control over the king. How about a specific example of her exerting her influence over the king. What does her father want done that the king needs to be talked into by Sparrow?

Does Sparrow have magical powers of some sort that would explain how she's able to control the king and claim authority over Prosperity?