Saturday Film Series

I've put this film on YouTube. It has a bigger screen than Blogger, and can be converted to full-screen with one of the controls in the bottom right. You'll find it here.

Face-Lift 645

Guess the Plot

Stolen from Heaven

1. Tired of stealing plots from mortals, a daring author sets off on a quest to find a plot really worth stealing.

2. When her father sends her on an errand, Minjee has no idea he's actually sending her to be sacrificed so a thief who stole power from the ancient gods can take over her body. Minjee vows that if she gets out of this, there'll be no Father's Day gift for dad this year.

3. Andrew conquers Hollywood--top film rolls, chicks, and best of all, the exquisite pearly gates at the entrance to his new mansion. But when the shady building contractor gets struck by lightning, Andrew begins to wonder if the gates may be stolen from someone even more powerful than Oprah.

4. Funeral home director Francis Finnebaker has had it with the cardiac surgeon in his small town. Dr. Robert Huebler is saving lives that could instead have been corpses in need of some costly embalming fluid. There's only one solution to this problem. Francis will have to murder the man who steals from Heaven.

5. The angels lose the Last Trumpet, and concoct a story of demonic theft so that God doesn't get mad. God assigns Laura, a junior angel, to find the Trumpet, which by now has migrated to the hands of a demon who is just not that good at being evil. Love blossoms.

6. When St. Peter wakes up after a night of binge drinking, he realizes that those weren't his car car keys he gave to the bartender last night--They were the keys to the pearly gates! When St. Pete returns to the bar, he discovers that some punk ran off with his keys. Can Peter find him before the line outside gets so long he has to work on the weekend?


Original Version

Attn: Evil Editor,

In ancient Korea, power was stolen from the gods. The culprits did not escape unscathed [Apparently they stole the wrong power. They should have stolen the power to run really fast or to become invisible.] and their restoration to this world hinges on the life of an innocent girl....

Little Minjee does not dare question why her father sends her on a dangerous, and seemingly trivial, journey to the north. Why should she? [Because she's three years old.] He is the village chief and it is hard enough to win his love and respect.

Alone, Minjee embarks on her first adventure and travels to San-Goong, a small and secluded kingdom. Upon arrival, she discovers that she was not sent there on an errand, but to be sacrificed!

One of the culprits [No query should include the word "culprits" more than once.] who stole heavenly power needs a new body and innocent, naïve Minjee is a perfect match--She was born with the rare ability to communicate with the gods in heaven and control ghosts on earth. This ability is a must for anyone wanting to wield godly power and that is why the culprits [No book should include the word "culprits" three times.] offered Minjee’s neglectful father untold power to betray his daughter and deliver her into their hands. [I think I could come up with a stronger adjective than "neglectful" for this guy.] [If I were trading my daughter for untold power, I wouldn't send her on a dangerous journey by herself. I'd hire an army of ruthless mercenary soldiers to escort her every step of the way and kill anyone who got within a mile of her.]

Minjee turns to strangers to rescue and hide her, but those who desire her sacrifice [AKA "the culprits."] are in relentless pursuit. In order to stop them, Minjee must seek the knowledge needed to utilize her untapped abilities. [When culprits are relentlessly pursuing you, you seldom have time to seek knowledge.]

STOLEN FROM HEAVEN is an 119,000 word fantasy and my first novel. In it, Minjee will have to unlock mysteries guarded by mythic beasts and discover how much of the darkness she is willing to embrace to save those who protected her.

Contact me by email at _____________________ or by phone at _______________.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Do the culprits summon the mythic beasts? If so, it sounds like they have a decent amount of power already. If they can pursue someone relentlessly, they don't seem to be confined to one place, so why didn't they just go kidnap Minjee instead of having her make a dangerous journey to them? She could've died on that journey.

What's Minjee gonna do if she gains the knowledge needed to tap her ability to communicate with the gods? Scream for help? You'd think the gods would have some idea what's going on without needing an SOS.

Does Minjee know she has untapped powers? Does her father know? I mean, when someone tells you they'll give you untold power in return for your daughter, you don't just say, Yeah, why not? You want to know why they want her and you want proof that they can give you untold power. You want a down payment on that untold power. Half now, half when you deliver the goods.

We need to know Minjee's age.

Cartoon 411

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 651

The priest dogs say God lives in the details. The government dogs say Revolution lives on the streets. The night before I died the first time, I found both.

“What was that?” I poked the Swissman in his ribs with my beer can, took a last swig and tossed it out the window, the clang of its fall punctuated by my belch.

"Didn’t see nothing.” Cole Swissler rapped his ringed fingers across the steering wheel and cut his eyes at me. Even in the dark I could tell he was sneering.

I twisted in my seat.

“Turn around.”

The Swissman gave me another glare, but he slowed, coasted a little onto the berm and braked. Our Mobi sighed a few times as it rolled to a stop, the pneumo tires adjusting to the uneven surface. “Turn around.”

“Party, you’re too radical.” He twisted backward over the seat and reached for another can of firewater. “Patrollers won’t be taking a piss break forever.” He located a swigger next to the road atlas and hefted it over the console. When he had the top popped, he took a long slow swallow and smacked his lips. “Now,” he said, “what are we turning around for?”

"Never mind, it's too late now." Sure enough, there were sirens flashing behind us.

We waited while a cop strolled up to the car and rapped on the driver side window. The Swissman rolled the window down. “Who are you?” The guy wasn't dressed like any cop I'd ever seen.

“Literary police.”

Swissler sneered at the cop and took another swig of firewater. “Literary police? You can’t arrest me for drinking and driving.”

“No sir, but I can arrest you for writing a disjointed opening that needs to be read several times before it is fully understood and that fails to inspire a single decent continuation.”


Opening: J.E. Irvin.....Continuation: Matthew

Cartoon 410

Caption: Matthew

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Face-Lift 644

Guess the Plot

Mystica

1. When Anastasia suddenly gains the magical power to summon fire, everyone in the city starts blaming her whenever something bad happens. You know, like people being burned alive.

2. Millions of people are entranced by the fairy simulation game "Mystica". But when 14-year-old Brad finds the game running, blood on the monitor, fairy wings on the floor and his parents missing, he realizes something is very, very wrong. Also, a jive-talking goblin.

3. Jane's daughter Sally spends all her time in her room reading epic fantasy and filling notebooks with scribbled fanfic novels. In 1967 this seemed infinitely better than having the girl run around getting high with every long-haired "Beatle" boy in the neighborhood, but now that Sally is in her 60's, Jane wonders if grounding her for life was a mistake.

4. As Reba drowsily toys with the antique bracelet Josh gave her just before he ran off with that bitch, Gwendolyn, and wishes she was in some really cool medieval nunnery instead of the sweltering burbs of Tucson, she dozes off. When she wakes up, she IS in a medieval nunnery -- and snow is blowing through the open window.

5. Mystica is Ellierose's dream: A store devoted to all things mystical and magical. When Avindar, a young faery prince, is hit by a car outside the shop, Ellierose takes care of him. But in doing so, she's angered Tratianna, queen of the Dark Fey. Can Ellierose and Avindar find true love, or will Tratianna destroy them all?

6. Mandy humors her son Timmy when he talks about imaginary playmates: the Knight, the King, the Princess and the Witch. But soon after Timmy starts talking about the Dragon, Mandy hears something in the basement and opens the door. A monstrous reptile runs up the stairs, pursued into the kitchen by an armor-clad man wielding a broadsword.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

MYSTICA is a completed 90,000 word YA fantasy tale where the strong heroine in A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY meets the suspense and conflict in CITY OF BONES. [Though I wouldn't even attempt to count the number of times I've advised authors against comparing their work to popular books (as they are invariably wrong, and even if they were right, the editor will assume they're self-deluded and reject), it does no good, so at least let me ask why we need to toss City of Bones into the mix when A Great and Terrible Beauty has plenty of suspense and conflict. Also, there are three (at least) well-known books titled City of Bones. What if I'm familiar only with the wrong Cities?]

Anastasia never believed in ghosts, though they have always haunted her glamorous city. But then she encounters Duncan Fae – a charming druid ordered to suicide for treason years ago. [When you consider how much money has been wasted on junk like electric chairs and guillotines, it's a wonder the idea of sentencing criminals to commit suicide isn't more widespread. "Here's a prescription for sleeping pills. Take the whole bottle and you better not call me in the morning."] When Duncan declares himself her birth father, a deep anger resurfaces from within Anastasia’s memory, enabling her to unlock a power that is more of a curse than a blessing. [What is she angry about?]

Commoners and nobles alike fear her unique ability to summon flames – as well as her inability to tame them – especially when nobles are murdered and orphans vanish without a trace. [Wouldn't there be a trace if she did it, like ashes or charred teeth and bones?] [Wait, I have a suggestion for a better title: City of Bones.] Unsure of whom to trust, yet desperate to save her city, [From what? A few murders and missing orphans doesn't mean the whole city is doomed.] Anastasia must venture into a labyrinth of class war and forbidden love, a world of haunted vaults, abandoned ruins, and extravagant palaces. [Why does she have to venture into these places?] Duncan Fae is willing to do anything for revenge, and murder is just the beginning of his plans. [If murder is just the beginning of your plans for me, I don't really care what you're planning after that.]

My magical realism story captured 1st place in the 2009 Joshua Weinzweig National Postcard Fiction Contest, [Is that a contest for fiction involving a postcard, or fiction written on a postcard?] [I'm considering changing my guidelines to make it mandatory to submit query letters on a postcard. Decisions on requesting manuscripts will be based entirely on whether I like the picture on the front.] [You've heard of NaNoWriMo? I'm starting NaNoPoMo: National Novel on a Postcard Month. Of course it'll be February. If you need 31 days to fill a postcard, you're just not trying.] while my speculative prose poem [Prose poem? Is that an oxymoron?] placed 3rd in the 2009 OddCon Speculative Fiction contest. For more information, please visit my writing blog: __________________________

Thank you for considering my query.

Sincerely,


Notes

It sounds like it could be a good story, but you aren't telling us enough about . . . the story. Who's being murdered? Random people? People who wronged Duncan?

Are the people chasing Anastasia with torches and pitchforks? Is she in danger, or just investigating? Has her fire summoning caused any disasters? What is her plan to prevent more killing? What's this about forbidden love? In short, What happens in your book? All we know is after Anastasia meets a ghost who claims he's her father, she develops the ability to summon flames, and is suspected when orphans disappear. Does she have a motive for doing what she's suspected of?

Replace your credits, which aren't impressive, with more about your story.

Cartoon 409

Caption: Matthew

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Collective Minionoun

It has been suggested that there should be a collective noun for a group of Evil Editor's minions, as Miss Snark had a "devotion" of Snarklings.

Cast your vote for one of the following:

An affliction of minions
A deviation of minions
A malevolence of minions
A plague of minions

Note that the list has grown shorter, reflecting insufficient support for a few of the options.

New Beginning 650

A creep sort of float-walked across the coffee shop to Scar’s table and sat down. His head never moved from looking at Scar. He was wearing them dark sunglasses like that jerk in his underwear and socks sliding around on TV all the time. His baseball cap was whiter’n Tinkerbell’s butt and his teeth were black and white like a checkerboard.

“Too fucked up for this black man. Get your Czechsylvania ass away from me.”

He sat and Scar couldn’t let him show him up. “Fine, but palms on the flat.” It put its hands on the table. Ten rings of dull grey, fingers just a jerking all around.

He pinned a waitress with his index. “Hey, java bunny. Two. Black.” They sat not talking till she came back and gave ‘em each a mug and he had to grab the other one and tell her not to give his hot beverage away to no one never.

“Two coffees? That’s silly.”

He didn’t look at her. “Silly is the new cool.”

So she rolled her eyes and bunny-hopped away, and Scar sat there with a coffee in each hand not looking at her. He sipped from one cup and then the other and not-looked at the creep jerking on the other side of the table.

He gave himself one of them grins. He wasn't sure, yet, if this was meant to be some kinda noir, or urban fantasy, or some fucked-up futuristic cyberpunk shit, but he guessed it didn't matter.

Oh yeah, he said to himself, if we can go through the whole book like this, not-talking and not-looking and drinking two coffees, we're gonna make literary fiction for sure. We're talking Booker Prize for this black man.


Opening: Kelly Mitchell.....Continuation: Steve

Cartoon 408

Caption: Evil Editor

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Synopsis 15

STOP! If you haven't yet read the query for Redemption, it's just below this synopsis. If you read the synopsis first, or even just a few words of it, you won't be able to play "Guess the Plot."

On the other hand, you'll get it right for a change.









SYNOPSIS [for Redemption]





Ian Templeton, psychologist and profiler, is on the track of a killer with a conscience. People who walked away from abuse charges are dying in horrible “accidents”: trapped in a flood, falling onto sharp railings. [When someone gets trapped in a flood, it's seldom suspected that a serial killer is behind it. I'd stick with the homicidal dishwasher for my example.] First Ian needs to convince his colleague, Detective Inspector Alex Willard, that there IS a case and not just a series of coincidences. Even when she is willing to go along with him, they have to work outside the official rules [You need a more . . . official-sounding . . . term than "official rules." Something like "department protocol." It's not a softball game.] to find their evidence. Just one problem: they can’t find any.

Ian struggles to understand this killer, so different from the ones he usually works with. The killer tells us stories giving us the insight into their mind and motivations that Ian is slowly uncovering. [Terrible sentence.] Some of the stories are eerily similar to the ones Ian painfully trades with convicted killers for the leads which help him find the buried bones of their earlier victims. The personal cost of these conversations is worth it: they bring closure to families, and, more importantly to Ian, a deeper understanding of what drives these warped minds. [I don't think you even need this paragraph. The next one follows the first one more logically, and I'm not clear on what you mean by the killer telling us stories. Are we in the killer's POV?]

With no forensic proof of a murderer Alex and Ian develop a plan to bring the killer into the open. A newspaper report on new evidence in one of the abuse cases frightens the killer: they killed too quickly; they might not have done the right thing. [That last clause is vague. Do you mean: Maybe the killer's victim wasn't an abuser.?] Then Ian’s conference speech on his belief that serial killers can be redeemed finalises the killer’s fixation on Ian as the one person who can truly understand them. The press attack Ian: “Police Profiler says ‘serial killers should be saved’!”—and Alex’s Chief throws him off the team. [Hmm, maybe it is a softball game.]

Ian discovers that the killer has not one, but two patterns: the deaths that are the “day job” of doing the right thing and another, more sinister, pattern of killing during sex for personal fulfilment. [sp.] Literally. Alex calls in a favour with another police division and bingo – they get [five in a row, including the free space.] a call-in on a sexual killing that just might give them a lead on their murderer. Alex’s team unofficially work on the scene while Ian sets up a face to face meeting with the killer at a black tie event. What he doesn’t realise is the killer wants this confrontation even more than he does. This killer knows they are losing control again, and has Ian in their sights as the source of their redemption. [These plural pronouns are confusing. It makes it sound like the cops are losing control. If the killer has been telling us stories, shouldn't we know it's a she by now?]

Then the team finally get some evidence: the DNA at the sexual killing shows a link to a convicted serial killer: Morten. But he is already in jail, and the DNA belongs to a female. Alex discovers Morten has a niece – whose parents both died in “accidents” when she was young. Alex’s breath catches when she recognises her photo: it’s the woman Ian has just left with. [Just left where with? I thought Ian and Alex were in two different places. Did they leave the black tie event together? Ian was supposed to be meeting the killer at the black tie event, so doesn't he know he's with the killer?] She races to find him before he becomes the killer’s next victim.

And Ian and the killer are starting to make love. [Ian knows the killer kills during sex, yet he hops into the sack with her right after meeting her? Does he know he's with the killer? If not, He goes to a black tie event to meet with the killer, and walks out to go have sex with a stranger even though his meeting with the killer hasn't happened yet? As that makes no sense, there's some confusion about the time line.]

Face-Lift 643

Guess the Plot

Redemption

1. Sarah McFrap has spent her life in the shadow of her mother's coupon clipping mania. Now, fatally ill and nearing death, Mother entrusts Sarah with her prize collection of coupons. Can Sarah redeem them--and herself, in her mother's eyes--before it's too late?

2. A series of bizarre deaths--someone drowns in a pile of barley, someone has a fatal encounter with a dishwasher, etc.--has the police thinking accidents, but one psychologist realizes there's a serial killer on the loose, one he might be able to lead down the rocky path to . . . Redemption.

3. When gorilla poacher Vitaly Potapenko breaks his leg and a shrewdness of apes nurse him back to health, he decides to seek out and free every gorilla he ever captured . . . if they're still alive.

4. In the summer of 1967 Jodi Nash stepped on a butterfly in Central Park, starting a cascade of unanticipated consequences that culminated in several foreign wars, the collapse of numerous international megacorporations, climate change, global economic blight, and decades of bad hair. Now Jodi seeks redemption by planting a butterfly garden behind her rest home. But is it too late?

5. When ex-navy seal and martial arts champion John Hawk dines in a fancy New York restaurant, he forgets to tip the waiter. A man of honor, Hawk realizes his mistake when he gets home and immediately returns to the restaurant. He gives the waiter five dollars and an awkward apology, and then goes back home without incident.

6. A soda bottle on its journey to be redeemed for a nickel deposit must survive encounters with vampires, werewolves, elves, lava, and a half-demon/half-angel who hates recycling.

7. Raoul Washington has been collecting coupons for almost all of his ninety-one years. When his doctors give him only six months to live, Raoul goes on a cashless spending spree that threatens to bankrupt the nation's retail outlets.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A young girl kills her mother, makes herself a packed lunch and has a great day at school. The same girl sits and watches her father bleed to death instead of going for help... [Thus begins my children's picture book, Madeline's Revenge.]

When Dr Ian Templeton, psychologist and profiler, dumps a pile of newspaper cuttings on her table, newly promoted Inspector Alex Willard [has him arrested. Thus begins my green mystery, The Serial Litterer.] sees a lot of coincidences. Ian sees a serial killer. People who walk away from abuse charges are dying in eerily appropriate accidents: drowned in grain, crushed under a car, falling on a knife in a dishwasher. [By "appropriate" accidents, I assume you mean something like:

Detective: What was the cause of death?
Coroner: Drowned in a pile of oats.
Detective: Ironic. He used to make his kid eat oatmeal.
Coroner: Now that's what I call child abuse.

Detective: What was the cause of death?
Coroner: Killed by a knife in her dishwasher.
Detective: Ironic. She used to force her kid to load the dishwasher.
Coroner: Shoulda told the kid to put the knives in point-down.

In between getting inside the heads of convicted murderers to find their victims [I like a justice system where you convict someone of murder first, then look for a victim.] so other cases can be closed, Ian confronts his own painful past to understand this new killer. This is a killer who believes they are a good person, they are doing the right thing – and Ian can save them. [Who's "them"? The killer, or the killer's future victims? Apparently you're using "they" and "them" to avoid revealing the murderer's gender, which guarantees it's female. It wouldn't be the now-grown-up girl who appeared in the first paragraph of the query never to be mentioned again, would it?]

With little evidence to go on and no-one else believing there is a real case, Ian and Alex work outside the rules. [Alex is one of the ones who didn't think there was a case. And she was just promoted to inspector. And already she's working outside the rules?] Ian has to force the killer into the open, even though this could trigger more murders [like a toaster murder or a running with scissors "accident."]. When Ian is attacked by the press and kicked off the team it looks like game over: he will never get near this killer. [There's a team? I thought Ian was the only one who even thought there was a case. Is the team working on this case? If not, how does Ian being kicked off keep him from getting near the killer? Seems like he'd have more time to chase the killer if he no longer has to work on whatever the team is doing.]

But this killer has her own ideas and these involve getting very, very close to Ian. [Oh, now you don't mind revealing it's a woman. May as well reveal it earlier and avoid the awkward-sounding plural pronouns. Or change the earlier sentence to something like: This killer is no cold-blooded sociopath; this is a misguided person trying to make the world a better place . . . thus avoiding any pronouns.]

REDEMPTION is a 97,000 word psychological thriller, and, of course, I have the opening chapters ready and waiting to be sent to you on request – or we could just go straight to the full manuscript if you like. [Hell, let's skip that part too. Just email the manuscript to the printer.]

My previous published writing has been in the business world – I wrote the “organisational behaviour” chapter in the Wiley and sons series of books, the Fast Forward MBA. [As the term “organisational behaviour” is about as vague as it gets, change that sentence to: As for my previously published writing, perhaps you're familiar with chapter 14 in book 3 of The Fast Forward MBA? Yep, that was me.]

Thank you for your consideration


Notes

I'd leave off the kid who kills her parents at the beginning. It isn't connected well enough. All it does is make me wait for an explanation that never comes.

If I were a psychologist I'd be more interested in helping the people who were abused by the killer's victims than in helping the killer, who's sure to be locked up a long, long time.

Not clear what you mean by "eerily appropriate" accidents. It's appropriate that a person who was abusive and wasn't punished should drown in grain?

Is the killer trying to get close to Ian because he was an abuser who wasn't punished? Is he forcing her into the open by claiming to be an abuser who wasn't punished? If the latter, seems like it would be hard to get that information to the killer if he doesn't know who she is. If the former, not gonna make him the most sympathetic protagonist.

Cartoon 407

Caption: Evil Editor

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Saturday Film Series

Remember, what happens in Evil Editor's Shorts . . .

Stays in Evil Editor's Shorts.

At least until laundry day.

New Beginning 649

Come, Cynthia. There is not much time. The faster we are, the better it will be.

Cynthia peeked into the entryway before creeping forward. The stained glass windows barely glowed in pre-dawn light. She glanced behind her at the faint sound of servants preparing breakfast. Taking a deep breath, she smoothed the ruffled pinafore she had put on in haste. The pink glass of the door's window cast rosy light onto her as she reached for the handle. Muscles tensed as she prepared to hear her mother’s terse voice when she opened the door, but bird songs were the only sound to greet her. As the door clicked shut, she let out the breath she had been holding.

A cobblestone walkway stretched out from the veranda to the cast iron gates. The dusty road that had brought them from Lyney lay behind it, shadowed by a grassy hill.

Over the hill, Cynthia.

She looked towards the stables. “Shouldn’t I get a horse first?”

There is no time.

The morning chill washed over her as she stepped into the yard. She ran to the gates surprised to find them unlocked. She ignored the house behind her, hoping she would be ignored in turn if spotted.

The hill towered above her and appeared steeper than it had from the veranda.

In the barn. Waiting.


Minutes later, she was lying in the hay, staring at the barn ceiling, listening to his snoring. The faster we are, the better it will be. Yeah, right. Shoulda gone with the horse.


Opening: Sephina.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 406

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 642

Guess the Plot

justice/vengeance

1. e. e. cummings is back . . .
and this time it's personal.

2. ((Ida - sister)/(grief + rage)) * mistrial + 3months*((new evidence + trial)/(shooting range + sniper rifle)) + 2years*(appeals /martial arts training) + (murderer free / training complete) = justice/vengeance: A Vigilante Mathematician Story

3. The telecommunication industry is in a shambles, having been targeted for reprisals by a renegade band of philologists who blame cell-phone texting for the younger generation's appalling disregard of the established rules of capitalization.

4. Danielle Mallory, family expatriate/private detective, teams up with her father/ex-con to search for her missing/dead? younger brother/drug user before the unthinkable/indescribable happens. Also, a deep conspiracy/race against the clock.

5. Strunk and White arise as zombies and slay all those who neglect proper capitalization. White considers it vengeance, but Strunk considers it just.

6. Dante Cherish is a criminal lawyer with a knack for keeping her clients out of prison. When one of them turns on her, assaulting her and burning down her house, she has to decide whether to pursue the case through the courts or don spandex and mete out some street justice as Red Janus, the Avenger.

7. A series of episodes in the life of little Miss Holly Day, who continually falls prey to an evil madman in an act of unimaginable cruelty that simply must be avenged by Coyote Jones and his flame-throwing sidekick Mungo Bean.


Original Version

Dear Agent/Producer/Person whose Roommate [/Butler/Plumber] is Friends with the Coen Brothers' Assistant: [The main duty of the Coen Brothers' assistant is to keep the Coen Sisters off the set. Or so I hear.] [You'd think the Coen Brothers could afford to each have an assistant.] [I'm thinking of getting an assistant myself. How much does an assistant make? The Coen Brothers' assistant probably makes enough to hire an assistant. Then when the Coen Brothers summon their assistant to do something vile like give them foot massages, the assistant's assistant has to do it.] [My assistant's main duty will be to inform me when I've run a topic into the ground.]

All her adult life, private detective Danielle Mallory has distanced herself from her family - until her younger brother sends a frantic call for help just before disappearing in the middle of a drug deal gone bad. [Because there's no better time to rejoin your family than right after your brother swindles a Colombian drug cartel.] Against her better judgment, she teams up with her ex-con father to find him. In a race against the clock – and against her father’s short fuse – Danielle is forced to compromise her own moral code to unravel the threads of her brother’s life. But when the unthinkable happens and she stumbles into a deeper conspiracy, Danielle realizes too late that nobody can escape their past. [That last sentence could use some specificity.]

"justice/vengeance" is a smart, stylish noir that can be shot for a low to medium budget [unless you can get Julia Roberts to play Danielle, in which case we can still come in under 100 mil if the Coen Brothers are willing to give up their assistant]. I myself am a recent USC graduate with several completed screenplays under my belt. Currently I am an assistant [to the Coen Brothers] and occasional copywriter for a movie advertising company.


Notes

Aren't you supposed to start with one or two sentence log line? Not that I've ever figured out how that can convince an agent you have a viable project.

I hear it's even harder to get an agent for a screenplay than for a novel. Have you considered the many screenplay competitions? They aren't free, but many do give feedback, and winning scripts sometimes get put before producers as part of the prize. At least a winning script would look good on a resume. I say this only because it's such a tough field to break into. Right now all screenplays that get produced are written by the same five people.

Another way to break in that's much easier than sending your screenplay to agents is to convert it to a novel that becomes a runaway bestseller.

Cartoon 405

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 648

I walk into homeroom. Mrs. Jasper’s sitting at her desk, smiling and watching the morning announcements. Half the class’s attention is on the announcer, my best friend Brandon, the rest speak amongst themselves. I look for my boyfriend’s familiar face in the four seats back in the third row, but he’s not there.

The moment I notice his absence my phone vibrates in my pocket. I fish it out and a little envelope sits happily on the screen. I tap the screen. The message opens:
SiSi, i kno that this is pretty shitty but i dont think we can see each other anymore. im in a different homeroom now.

-T

I sit there, floored. Just speechless. My eyes flutter open and close until the world swirls around me and…



“Sithandra? Where you at?” Travis tapped my shoulder.

It took me a moment to get my bearings, but there I stood in front of my locker. It was 8:27 and homeroom began in less than five minutes. Travis, my boyfriend, stared at me looking just fine. No guilt. No remorse. I swear I don’t know what threw my hand across his cheek.

Like in movie slow-mo I saw his head twist to the side and smack against my locker door and...



"Excuse me?" The voice was distant, muffled; I snapped out of my daydream.

"Excuse me, Miss?" Distant, but more distinct. I glanced at the clock. Okay, he'd been on hold long enough. I adjusted my headset and adopted my work accent. "I am very sorry sir, but I am not finding any record of the transaction you are asking about. Please can you be giving me again your thirty-seven digit account number?"

Damn, I love this job.


Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 404

Caption: Clarkkers

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New Beginning 647

They came riding horses of silver and jet. The rags they wore whipped them like a fierce laughter. Everything they touched, they despoiled. Unlike any conquerer in history, they could not be placated by plunder: treasure did not interest them and beautiful youth did not entice them. They did not wish to rule. Their only purpose seemed to be the destruction of everything they touched.

Four siblings hid in the extremes of the land. The one who took after their father's father hid in the desert. The one like their father's mother hid in the clouds. The one who resembled their mother's father hid under the ground. And the one who looked like their mother's mother hid in the ocean. The four of them waited for the fifth one to tell them it was time to strike.

But he would not give the signal until he heard from the four cousins. The cousin who looked like the aunt’s granddaughter worked in a bar called Centerfolds. The one who looked like the uncle’s nephew hid in his trailer, drinking whiskey. The one who looked like the uncle’s uncle was selling timeshares in the Pocono’s. And the one who looked like the aunt’s father's niece was doing time in Morningwood penitentiary for public indecency. The four of them waited for the fifth cousin to tell them when to tell the fifth brother to tell the other brothers to strike.

But the fifth cousin would not contact them until he heard from the four sisters-in-law...


Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Matthew

Cartoon 403

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 641

Guess the Plot

Drinkers

1. To hear them tell it, the drinkers at Cara's Tavern were all big shots in their day, running banks and shady spying operations. But Cara knows they are what they always were: lushes. When these men and women organize to protest the city's new beer tax, hilarity ensues.

2. Four frat boys wander into a strange bar and challenge four other men to a drinking contest. After a while, it becomes clear that these men are satyrs. The frat boys win, but it turns out satyrs are sore losers. Can one semi-civilized small college survive the wrath of four drunken goat-men?

3. A group of eccentric alcoholics who meet at AA in an old church basement decide to form a rock & roll band called, ironically, The Drinkers . . . and to produce a rock opera that will raise enough money to replace the church roof.

4. In a world where vampires no longer drink human blood, there are exceptions: Drinkers! When Cyril learns that some Drinkers may be living in town, it's up to him to investigate, and to report his findings to the World Vampire Association.

5. Despite her years of apprenticeship, Natalie is denied entry to the all-powerful Tasters Guild for daring to point out that all red wine pretty much tastes the same. Natalie responds by organizing the town breweries and secretly replanting the vineyards with hops.

6. Pat O'Malley's bar has attracted its share of regulars over the centuries. The same regulars. Pat's bar is built over the Fountain of Youth, and when Pat decides to close up shop and retire, his immortal clientele take offense.


Original Version

Please find enclosed a synopsis and the first chapter of DRINKERS.

As far as Ethan and Forrest know, they are the only two vampires in the city, or maybe the world, if, indeed, they are actually vampires. [That could be said of anyone. For example: As far as Evil Editor knows, he is the only vampire in the city, or maybe the world, if, indeed, he is actually a vampire. What makes Ethan and Forrest think they might be vampires?] When they find a body with bite marks on the neck, it opens the door to discovering people like themselves—if [, indeed, they are actually vampires.] that’s what they choose.

Ethan and Forrest aren’t the only ones interested in the body. Cyril is the Director of the local group of vampires, who are part of the world vampire organization. [If that's the name of the organization, capitalize it. If it's not the name, use the name. Surely Cyril would know the name.] All vampires today hide their true natures, never become intimate with humans, and never drink human blood—all except Drinkers. [If the Drinkers ever want any decent PR, they can start by coming up with a better name than Drinkers. It sounds a bit silly. I mean, you don't see zombies calling themselves Eaters, do you? They go with Devourers. Much scarier.] [Maybe your Drinkers should be called Downers. Get it? It's a double meaning.] The body is evidence of Drinkers in the area, and as Director it falls to Cyril to report it and lead an investigation. Cyril has had his eye on Ethan for a while—Ethan might help him find the Drinkers, unless they both come under suspicion themselves.

DRINKERS is a vampire novel that reaches beyond vampires to [werewolves.] questions of morality, identity and belonging. It is literary and thought-provoking as well as tense and action-packed. [There's no evidence in the query that the book is any of these things. I'm not taking your word.] It is gritty, violent at times, and feels more like Chuck Palahniuk than Anne Rice. Though I had not read Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns before writing Drinkers, I feel some similarities with how Miller twists a fantasy story into something deeper, maybe more cynical, and certainly more literary. [I think what you're trying to say is, My novel is literary fiction, like Batman.] I hope you enjoy it.

Sincerely,


Notes

That final paragraph has to go. If you describe a plot that's thought-provoking, tense, action-packed, gritty, violent at times, Palahniukish, and that twists a fantasy story into something deeper, maybe more cynical, and certainly more literary, then you won't need to declare it in so many words. Also, I don't think the average person looking for a novel about the World Vampire Association is going to be swayed by knowing it's "literary."

Are people aware vampires exist? If so, why do Ethan and Forrest think they're possibly the only vampires in the world? If not, how do people explain bodies with their blood drained through bite marks on their necks?

Are the Drinkers a danger to Cyril and Ethan and Forrest? Investigating and reporting isn't as interesting as kill or be killed. What's at stake?

Cartoon 402

Caption: anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Some of you have seen these films, as I produced them for another blog, but as I'm low on material or feeling lazy, I'll post them here for the first time.

The task in the first film was to read something completely bland and make it sound sexy. The task in the second film was to read something sexy and make it sound unsexy.

Face-Lift 640

Guess the Plot

Tinkers

1. Someone has been urinating in the chili served at the school cafeteria. It's a mystery, until ace detective Jake Bolshoi turns up a gang of kindergarten punks who call themselves . . . the Tinkers.

2. Bobby Simmons always wondered what crazy gadgets old man Tinkers invented in his basement. When a dare compels Bobby to break into the curmudgeon's house, he discovers . . . a meth lab!

3. The rant-radio hosts were right about a certain Teletubby warping the minds of preschoolers; they were just wrong about how. Tinky-Winky wasn't luring tots down the path to gaydom, he was hypnotizing a generation to serve as his army of global conquest. Can 15-year-old Connor break the mind-meld, swear off his handbag and save the world?

4. Despite his years of apprenticeship, young Marco is denied entry to the all powerful Steam Engineers Guild for daring to make changes on existing machines. Naturally, Marco responds by starting his own union. Steampunk hilarity ensues.

5. When Benjamin Hawthorne discovers people who call themselves Tinkers living in RVs behind his house, he investigates. But can he and his twin sister discover what the Tinkers' relationship is to Peter Pan before it's too late?

6. There's nothing the citizens of Spretzen can't take apart, reverse engineer and rebuild. When wealthy Hamilton Stone sets the town a challenge, providing them with CERN blueprints, an ICBM and twelve pounds of weapons-grade plutonium, they have to decide whether to suppress their natural inclinations or to create a machine that will destroy the planet.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ben and his twin sister Emma move to the country and what they find in the woods will question everything they've ever known about their dead mother. ["Question" isn't the word you want. "Lead them to question" works, but it's wordy. Try "refute" or "nullify" or, for something stronger, "nuke."]

In my 55k word urban fantasy YA novel TINKERS, Thirteen-year-old Benjamin Hawthorne hears rumors at his new school about a group of people called Tinkers who live in RV’s in the woods behind his house. They’re thieves, drunks, uneducated, and haven’t taken a shower in weeks. [But they have hearts of gold.] When Ben actually meets a Tinker and he doesn’t fit this stereotype, [He's a smelly drunk thief, but he has a PhD from Harvard.] Ben sets out on a course to uncover the truth about the people in the woods: that they protect a secret race of faeries [Maybe it's the colon, but it sounds like he suspects this fairy tale, and just wants to gather evidence. He meets a guy who isn't a drunken thief, and starts an investigation? Why?] that may have been the inspiration for JM Barrie’s Peter Pan and that the Tinkers themselves may be closer to Ben than just a people living in the woods nearby.

I have recently completed an MA in Creative Writing from Newcastle University in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. I have had a short story published in Lit by New Writing North in conjunction with Newcastle University. I have also had several works published in Blackberry Winter, an annual chapbook of Rochester College where I earned my BA in English and Professional Writing. This is my first novel.

I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and thank you for all the advice and laughs you've given your readers so far. Please never stop giving us glimpses into your world. [Why, you ass-kissing, bootlicking, apple-polishing suck-up. If you think you can sweet talk me into publishing you . . . you're right! How's half a million sound? With any luck I'll find a book doctor who can do something with this crap, maybe turn it into a historical romance.]

Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. [Not necessary. I just spoke to a book doctor, and all we need is your title. We're gonna go with Guess the Plot #2.] Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Regards,


Notes

What truth was Ben hoping to uncover when he started looking into the Tinkers? It seems like the fact that the Tinkers don't fit the stereotype is the truth, and he already uncovered it. Is he trying to uncover why smart upstanding clean citizens live in RVs in the woods behind his house? Tell us that so his investigating makes sense.

Less about you and more about the plot would be nice. For instance, you start by telling us there's a twin sister and a dead mum. Maybe you could mention them again. Does Emma do anything? What's the most important thing Ben believed about his mother that has been disproved? How was it disproved? Is the main story Ben finding out about his mother?

If I'm in a secret race of faeries in the woods and I want to keep it secret, the last thing I want is a bunch of RVs parked around my camp, drawing attention to me.

Cartoon 401

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 646

Hagai woke with a book attached to his face. He peeled it off and found his glasses where they’d fallen nearby. Page 91 of Lushita’s City was ruined. It was wrinkled by sweat, the words faded – probably imprinted on his face in reverse. Aunt Booker wouldn’t be happy with him, but who was?

With a groan, he stood and shuffled to the dresser – the only furniture in the room other than his sleep pad. He took out the neatly folded shirt and pants from their respective stacks and put them on. While he buttoned his shirt – a routine he performed slowly on purpose – he stared out the window. The suns were up already – the amber was even near peak. It was going to be a hot day. With luck, he wouldn’t have to be out in it.

Far below, the town of Providence bristled with work. Past that lay the sea – glittering blue for the most part, but beyond the reef, the water was murky, almost black. The skylers called it dark water. The worst fate for a skyler was to have their ship fall out of the sky over a patch of it. It was about the only thing nobody pretended to be brave about.

Aunt Booker’s voice hollered from downstairs. “You done buttoning your shirt yet, Haggie?”

How did she always know?



Hagai's Aunt tutted quietly to herself, and pushed one foot against the ground to set her wooden rocker back in motion. She turned back to her book: ...eager not to endure another tongue-lashing, he bustled out of the room half-dressed. With only one leg safely in his pants, he got the other one caught up and crashed to the floor...

Aunt Booker shook her head in exasperation and pushed herself to standing when she heard the thud.


Opening: Adam Heine.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 400!

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 639

Guess the Plot

93 Degrees North

1. Gary Stale dreamt of traveling to the arctic and standing at the very top of the earth. After his retirement, his dream turns into reality and he makes a chilling discovery--A hovering spaceship that is the source of the northern lights.

2. On earth, there exists a portal that crosses into another dimension--A portal that rests at 93 degrees north. When an exploration team crosses over and gets lost, can they survive "Dark Earth" long enough to make it home?

3. What does 93 Degrees North mean? Absolutely nothing. But when a minion is tasked with making a humorous plot to go along with this bland title will he give up and walk away or persevere and submit a weak entry?

4. On a research vessel in the North Atlantic, Stu Nash discovers a magnetic anomaly: the ship's GPS reads "93 degrees north." Have they sailed into a realm of supernatural dangers - sirens, krakens, monsters and an inhuman otherworldly creature that feeds on human death? Or is the damn GPS malfunctioning as usual?

5. First thing Wizard Ferkle does is ruin the compass and get lost. Second thing is drive through a time warp and blow the tires. Third, the map goes up in smoke. Now it's up to Tommy to save them by battling a horde of angry Druids and an evil princess and finding the way home to Glasgow.

6. Robert Fredrick Albert Cook has a beef with history. Admiral Peary discredited his ancestor's journey to the North Pole, and Bob wants to set the record straight. Unfortunately, he's lost, his GPS is giving him an impossible latitude, and he's just spotted what looks like a massive toy factory made of candy canes.


Original Version

Dear (Agent),

I am seeking representation for my horror novel "93 Degrees North" (101,000 words).

Stu Nash isn't even supposed to be aboard the research ship Waylander; his friend Tony Morland was supposed to run their experimental equipment, while Stu monitored the results from their Edinburgh base station. But, when Tony breaks his leg, Stu has to take his place [because the electricity that powers the experimental equipment is produced by pedaling a stationary bike really fast] - and so it's Stu who discovers a weird magnetic anomaly, a strange waveform somewhere in the North Atlantic.

Depressed by his accident, Tony strikes up an acquaintance with Germanic historian Joanna Kretzschmar. [When you're in Edinburgh monitoring experimental scientific equipment, is it normal to have German historians hanging around the facility?] Joanna is with him when Stu's report comes through, and she sees the waveform - and recognizes it; she's seen it before, on a mediaeval Norse manuscript [, the sheet music to Eric the Red's megahit, "King Harald Wartooth Goes to Valhalla"].

It's a mystery that needs investigating, and Tony and Stu arrange for the ship to follow the line of the mysterious waveform, into the Arctic Circle. But things start to go wrong; there's a shadowy figure haunting Joanna, and as the ship follows the signal, its communication and navigation systems begin to break down. And then the crew of the ship start to see ghosts, too.

As Joanna struggles with her ghosts, she comes to understand what's happening; the waveform is a lure, put in place by a monstrous, inhuman creature; a white hunger that lives outside the real world. [She just "comes to understand" this? Was her train of thought something like this:

1. A research vessel has discovered a strange waveform.

2. That's the same waveform I once saw in a mediaeval Norse manuscript.]

3. It's a monstrous inhuman creature from another world! We're all gonna die!]

And, as the Waylander follows the lure, it's drawn out of the real world itself, into a realm of supernatural dangers - sirens, krakens, monsters of the deeps. The ship's crew are being picked off, one by one, while the white hunger feeds on their deaths.

Tony and Stu's equipment is the only link left between the Waylander and the real world - and Tony is obsessed, now, with finding what lies at the end of the waveform's path. Can Joanna break through his obsession and get him to turn the ship back towards safety - or will the white hunger feed on the lives of everyone aboard? [If I'm part of the crew that's getting picked off one by one, I'm not waiting around to see if Joanna can get through to Tony. The ship is turning back, and if Tony doesn't like it, he's going overboard.]

I'm a computer scientist and linguistician with an abiding interest in the mythology of the Norse sagas. Although I've been an avid reader and amateur writer for many years, this is my first attempt at finding professional representation.
Thank you for your time and consideration - I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


--------------------------------------------------------
Author's note; not part of query: (The ship's haywire GPS reads "93 degrees north" at one point, hence the title. But I'm sure you gathered that.)


Notes

Wasn't this an X-Files?

If your ship is no longer in the real world, can you really get to safety just by turning around?

Is it just a coincidence that the one person in the world who would recognize a waveform from a medieval Norse manuscript happens to be present when that waveform is transmitted to a scientific facility in Edinburgh?

Are waveforms so distinctive you never forget one? Even if they're all unique, it's like a cop seeing a fingerprint and remembering it from a case he had years ago. Or it would be, if Joanna was a physicist instead of a historian.

What do the crew think is responsible for the deaths? Is there talk of mutiny? I mean, from the Arctic Circle to 90 degrees north is 1650 miles, and research ships aren't speedboats. How long before someone says, "Hey, cap'n, turn the fuckin' boat around."?

The query reads okay, it's just a matter of deciding whether any of the questions it inspires need to be answered or avoided.

Cartoon 399

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 645

At sixteen, Martha kidnapped her surrogate son Karl from their private prison and the only home they had ever known. IKG Psinetics, the most sophisticated genetics laboratory on Earth, created, raised and trained her to be the best at something. But they never told her what that something was. The anonymous staff taught her nine tongues fluently and a survivable grasp of twenty more. She was a biopid, pronounced like myopic, they told her, a genetically modified human. She learned a barrage of espionage techniques, philosophy, math, science, wide-ranging social skills including seduction, and most especially, psychology, both Eastern and Western.

The staff never told her their names, so she came up with names for them, which they accepted with indifference. Doctor Bob, Doctor Harry, Doctor Marcia. If one got too close to her emotionally, as happened a couple of times, they disappeared. She never left.

At fifty, she knew more about psychology than anyone else on the face of the earth. She was a psychic, pronounced like tripod, they told her, a reincarnation of Freud. But they were wrong. The Oedipus Complex was off, for one thing: Martha took Karl with her, but she left him at McDonald's (pronounced like "orange"). The psychology of surrogate motherhood was to be her next study.


Opening: Kelly Mitchell.....Continuation: Rachel

Cartoon 398

Caption: anon.

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More Success

Barbara Gordon reports that she has been offered representation after submitting the following query, put together after reading minions' critique and comments on (Face Lift 579) on this blog.

Dear Ms. ,

Fairy tales leave much unspoken. Would a mistreated orphan be beautiful and meek, or scrawny and stubborn? Those heroines wandering the forest, how did they survive? Did they know they were heroines, or did they doubt, and wonder if they would live to see a happy ending?

In THE WILLOW KNOT, a 105,000 word fantasy based on the Grimm tale "Brother and Sister" and set in the late 1700s German Small States, plain, hard-headed Mylla tries to protect her impulsive brother Tyl. It isn't easy, when their unloving aunt uses them as servants and taunts them with their father's execution for treason. To save Tyl from a cruel master, Mylla ignores stories of witches and wicked spells in the forest, and flees to it with her brother. But the tales are true, and when Tyl drinks from a bewitched stream, he becomes a deer--prey to any hunter. Mylla vows to restore him, but though she survives hunger, robbers, and wild beasts, she cannot free her brother. One sure remedy for a spell--kill the one who cast it. But who cast it, and why?

Young king Alard, guiltridden by the discovery of her father's innocence, finds Mylla and makes her his queen. At first grateful, Mylla sees that Alard's kingdom is beset by war without and conspiracy within. Fearful he will turn against her as her aunt did, she doesn't dare tell him the truth about her 'pet deer', or why she seeks out magic, risking accusations of witchcraft. But as she shares Alard's struggle to rule wisely and justly, a precarious love grows between them; so does the threat she poses to her father's enemies, for the one who cast the spell is closer to Mylla and more trusted by Alard than either can guess. Mylla must find the wisdom to rule a kingdom, the magic to unspell her brother, and the courage to trust her husband. But none of these are
easily earned, and her happy ending must be bought with a trial of fire that risks body and soul.

THE WILLOW KNOT is presently on the desk of --------------, acquisitions editor of -----------------, who requested it when I attended the ----------------------- My short story, " ______________, received an honourable mention in__________. I have other novels underway,including a modern YA fantasy about a no-longer-Chosen-One adjusting to life without a guiding Prophecy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Success Story

Writtenwyrdd reports that her story "What Mother Never Told You" whose opening appeared as New Beginning 437 will be published in Electric Spec ezine, volume IV, Issue 2 to be released on June 30, 2009.

Face-Lift 638

Guess the Plot

TimeSplash

1. If you could go back in time and assassinate Lenin, would you? When a German "timesplasher" answers Yes, it falls to his girlfriend Sandra to go back to 1902 and prevent the alteration of history.

2. If you could go back in time and assassinate Kaiser Wilhelm, would you? Michael Brownkite answered Yes and now finds himself in pre-WWI Europe. Finishing his mission is the only way to return to 2009, but will he leave behind his new love, Gwendolyn?

3. Hanna Murphy, author of the scandalous I NEED A MAN RIGHT NOW! blog, disappears and everyone assumes a serial killer was responsible, but Inspector Joyce Raines realizes there's a paranormal air-sucking hole in the Murphy plumbing -- just as she, too, is transported through it to a swampy time-space warp full of evil wizards.

4. If you were a historian and could go back in time for hands-on research, would you? James Hargrove answers Yes, but when he meets Cleopatra and she falls in love with him, shunning other such suitors as Julius Caesar and Marc Antony, he finds that flings in the past can have grave consequences in the future.

5. If you could go back in time for one piece of gold, would you? Greg Carter answers Yes, but it's no ordinary piece of gold. Greg is a decent NCAA diver with dreams of, but not the talent for, Olympic gold. When a physics major friend shows Greg his time machine, Greg realizes he just might have what it takes to win...in 1928.

6. It's been said that time is like a river. Noah Tempus learns that's true when he takes a dip in the swimming hole behind his new house and climbs out thirty years later. Lost in a future he can't understand, Noah must find the rumored other end of the time stream . . . before his actions bring about the end of the world.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking an agent for my 90,000-word science fiction thriller: TimeSplash.

Set in Europe in the near future, TimeSplash is the story of two young people, Jay and Sandra, both traumatised by their involvement in the youth cult of 'timesplashing' - jumping back in time to create temporal anomalies that cause wild disruptions in causality that flow through to the present.

Now, all Sandra wants is to see her former boyfriend, Sniper, dead. [I don't care how hard-up you are for a boyfriend, when a guy introduces himself as "Sniper," a red flag should go up. I also advise against dating guys who go by "Assassin," "Torpedo," and "The Butcher of Irkutsk."] [I personally once backed out of a blind date with an attractive woman after she introduced herself as: "I'll ram an ice pick in your eye if you touch me anywhere."] The glamorous German timesplasher dragged her back in time to witness an horrific killing spree which left her terrified and institutionalised. [When your boyfriend's idea of a good time is to witness the Boyd Massacre in person, it's time to pull out the old, "Not tonight, I have a headache" ruse.] The same timesplash caused a temporal anomaly that destroyed the Dutch town of Ommen and killed Jay's best friend, [That last part was Sandra's fault; she stepped on a butterfly while she was in the past.] leaving Jay happy to be recruited by MI5 who use him in undercover operations against the splashteams.

All Sniper wants is to cause a timesplash so big it will make him a legend. [A legend in his own time. Get it? His own time?] He doesn't care that his plans will wipe out central London as effectively as if the city had been nuked. To do it, he and his crew intend to go back to 1902 to murder Lenin at the Round Reading Room of the British Museum. [How do they know what effect killing Lenin will have on the future of central London?] Every intelligence agency and police force in Europe is after Sniper, but only Sandra and her new ally, Jay, know where to find him. [I'd start by looking on rooftops.] But Sniper has powerful backers with deep pockets - and they have a mole within MI5, keeping Sniper one step ahead of his enemies. [This sentence should come after the comma in the previous sentence, replacing that other "but" phrase.]

One by one, every plan to stop the coming timesplash fails until all that is left is to send Jay and Sandra back to Edwardian London to save Lenin's life. But just being there in the past is enough to cause deadly anomalies and this desperate last stand might be as dangerous as taking no action at all.

I attach a 3-page synopsis and the first three chapters of the manuscript.

I am a writer living in Queensland, Australia. In the past six months I have had five short stories published in anthologies and magazines.I also won third place in [a prestigious sci-fi writing contest][, losing out to a ripoff of Alien and a story about going back in time to kill Mussolini]. My previous novel Time and Tyde was chosen for the [Major Publisher] Manuscript Development Program in May last year. My writing credits also include three children's science books, and over a hundred magazine articles. My blogs currently attract over 500 unique visitors a month from around the world (mostly the USA, the UK and Australia). [A blog consisting of nothing but photographs of the same empty wall every day would attract 500 visitors a month. Get rid of that.]

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Notes

I've gotten bored with all the time travel stories that involve going back to kill Hitler. Going back to kill Lenin just may be the breath of fresh air this genre needs.

If the mission is to go to Edwardian London and save Lenin's life, why do Jay and Sandra have to do it? Can't they send someone with experience at preventing disasters, like James Bond? Or The Terminator: "Vlad, my man, put down the book, and come with me if you want to live."

So, if you go to the past and do something that changes history, how does everyone know it was you who caused it? In other words, if Lenin dies in 1902, do we all remember how it originally happened? If not, why would Sniper become a legend? And wouldn't people try to become legends by claiming they went back in time and killed the man who assassinated Napoleon or whatever? How would we prove them wrong? So many people would be claiming credit for stuff they had nothing to do with, no one could become a legend.

But then, all time travel stories have plot problems we have to ignore, and this one sounds like it could be a good one. In fact the main problem may be convincing us that Sniper, wanting to become a legend, chooses murdering Lenin in a reading room as his launchpad to notoriety. If I can just arrange for Lenin to not be around after 1902, I'll be famous! There have to be bigger fish to fry.

Cartoon 397

Caption: anon.

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