Face-Lift 1065

Guess the Plot

The Atchison Haunting

1. Book 1 of my trilogy about a ghost train, to be followed by The Topeka Haunting and The Santa Fe Haunting.

2. Halloween is coming, and the kids on the block make plans to scare the poop out of the crotchety old codger in the forbidding mansion at the end of Atchison Lane. Wait till they see what former Vice President Cheney has cooked up for them.

3. Do you hear that shrieking
Down the line?
I reckon that it's banshee number--69
She's the only one that howls that way
On the Atchison Topeka and the Dead Man's Way!

OOh oooh oo ohhh
OO OOO oo oo oo
Charon better get your rig
OO oo oooh Oo OOO
OO OOO o OO oo
She's got a load of passengers that's mighty big

And they'll all want lifts to Downtown Hell
Cuz most of them been travellin for quite a spell
From New York, Detroit and West LA
On the Atchison Topeka and the Dead Man's Way!

4. Atchison, Kansas. The country’s most haunted town. The cast of TV’s Xavier Paranormal Investigators roll in, but are they any match for ghosts set on making the entire town pay the ultimate price?

5. When the ghost of a murdered railroad employee sets out to haunt the town in which he was killed, he discovers that nobody lives there; they've all moved to Topeka and Santa Fe.

6. The ghost of aviatrix Amelia Earhart returns to her hometown to haunt the descendants of the people who told her she should take up flying instead of settling down and raising a family.

7. After over a century in purgatory, a former US Senator visits 21st-century Earth to atone for the harm he caused as a slaveholder and participant in anti-abolitionist violence. But he quickly acquires a wicked Internet addiction and becomes absorbed in Wikipedia... literally.



Original Version

The Atchison Haunting

Zach Kalusky and the cast of Sci-D TV’s Xavier Paranormal Investigators travel to the country’s most haunted town—Atchison, Kansas. A family living on the property of a mass murder fears that either their daughter or their house—or both—are possessed. [It's the house. The daughter's just going through the "tween" stage.] When Zach and company hit a patch of black ice at the border, [The border of the property or of Atchison?] the resulting crash lands one of the team in the hospital. Is the mishap random coincidence or a warning to abort their mission? [Depends. Is it January or July?]

As XPI investigates the town, [If they're in town because one family fears their daughter or property is possessed, why are they investigating the whole town? Has everyone else in Atchison reported paranormal activity?] their efforts are met with resistance from the police. [We don't want your kind here. The Atchison Topeka and Santa Fe leaves in an hour. Be on it.] A skeptic stalks the team, vowing to expose them as charlatans. [I'm sure that happens every episode. It happened in both Ghostbusters movies.] [Does anyone get slimed in this book?] With the spirit that possesses Zach showing signs of atrophy and unreliability, can he continue to count on it, as he’s done in the past, to help him solve this case? If not, in addition to Zach’s team, an entire family—perhaps even an entire town—may pay the ultimate price. [What makes them think everyone in the whole town may be wiped out? What has happened so far?]

The Atchison Haunting is complete at 82,000 words. I await your measured and constructive advice.

all the best,


Notes

Those who've been around a few years may recognize this as a sequel to the book featured in Face-Lift 679.

The ice accident isn't bothering me, but it isn't needed in the query. What is needed, in my opinion, is evidence that there is a haunting. Unexplained deaths, heads turning 360 degrees, visitations to past Christmases...

"Is the mishap random coincidence or a warning?" "Perhaps even an entire town—may pay the ultimate price." Add to these equivocal statements the atrophy and unreliability issue, and I'm about ready to side with the skeptic.

What does "solving the case" entail? Proving whether there's a haunting? Destroying the haunters? Bringing closure and peace to the haunters?

Face-Lift 976

Guess the Plot

Skin Deep

1. Being a flea is tough especially when your entire village was destroyed by poisonous fumes and giant brushes. Is a journey worth a jump to find a new home?

2. When spunky redhead Gidget meets hunky Bert, she falls hard for him. Only one problem--he's a popular athlete, and she's just your average ghoul. Can she make him see that looks and being alive aren't everything?

3. Polly Microbial is a concerned Necrotizing Fasciitis – a flesh eating bacterium. To keep human scientists from trying to eradicate her kind with new antibacterial medicines, she implores her fellow bacteria to consume sparingly to save the host. For this, she becomes a pariah and is ridiculed as an enviro-nazi.

4. Being the only shapeshifter in the junior class sucks, especially when you haven't learned to control your power yet and you're talking to that hawt senior, Johnny Post, and you start to sprout scales.

5. An accident leaves a teenager horribly disfigured, but also gives her supernatural powers, powers she must quickly learn to control if she's to rescue her mother from the mad plastic surgeon who's taken her hostage.

6. Mad scientist Max Magma invents the top secret nuclear-powered magnetotron. He'll drill into the South Pole, bore along the planetary axis to the North Pole, install a drain to suck the Arctic Ocean through the molten core, and spew out a giant geyser on top of the Antarctic ice fields, saving Mae Wong's secret tropical island paradise from climate-change flooding.

7. Linda Lampquist, biochemstry major, finds a thumb drive containing the secret formula for a miraculous wrinkle cream. Who lost it? She has no idea, but she's determined to beat them to the patent office and cash in on this bonanza.

8. A tattoo artist comes back from lunch and finds the waiting room full of green space aliens who all want a rose and I LOV U and they promise to vaporize his wife Loretta if he screws up, but OMG, their skin is like rawhide.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am currently seeking representation for a 60,000 YA horror novel titled Skin Deep. [My attempt to determine what a horror novel could have 60,000 of that's abbreviated YA turned up "yoctoamperes," a unit of electrical current equal to 10⁻²⁴ amperes. I don't actually see how you could torture someone with such a tiny amount, but maybe if you were trying to create life by combining body parts of dead fleas in a novel called Frankenflea...]

Quinn is the only survivor of a bus crash which leaves her horribly scarred, mentally and physically. After months in the hospital and an attempted suicide, Quinn is finally ready to go home. ["If you're gonna try to kill yourself, we recommend doing it at home where there aren't dozens of medical personnel hanging around hoping for the opportunity to keep you alive."]

She even meets a doctor who says he can completely cure her scars. [I don't get the meaning of "even" in that sentence. It implies a stronger relationship between this sentence and what's come before than has been established.]

But the doctor has a secret supernatural agenda. [Which is?] His tools for restoring youth and beauty to the jet-set are a trifle … unorthodox. And he’s bored. [Using my supernatural powers to remove the scars of mildly disfigured people bores me. Where's the phantom of the opera when I need him?] Quinn’s disfigured flesh is just the challenge he’s been looking for. He’s even willing to take Quinn’s mother hostage to get control of Quinn. [Better use of the word "even." But it's not clear why he has to take Mom hostage. Doesn't Quinn want his cure? Why not?

I can make you beautiful again.

Okay, let's get start-- Wait a minute, do you have a secret supernatural agenda?]

Fortunately for Quinn, her close brush with death has left her with a few supernatural secrets of her own. [The bus crashed into a nuclear waste facility.] Will she learn to trust them before it’s too late? And will she be able to find her mother in time to put them to use? Or will she fall under the control of a madman in a last-ditch effort to save her mom? [A lot of questions. Got any answers?]

I would be delighted to send you a sample chapter or the complete manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

This is a new query and a new title for the book formerly known as Quinn's Law (Face-Lift 955).

What are Quinn's supernatural abilities?


We're now out of queries and openings. And as soon as we get some we'll be needing fake plots and continuations. Is it your turn?

Face-Lift 679

Guess the Plot

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum

1. When Zach Kalusky and his team of paranormal investigators inspect Rosewood Asylum, another crew, the Demon Hunters is inspecting it at the same time. Now Zach has bigger problems than ghosts--what if the Demon Hunters discover that he's possessed?

2. The new asylum director believes even psychotics can contribute to the community, and what better way than hosting a Halloween haunted house for the kiddies? The inmates take up the idea with gusto, but the director has second thoughts when chain saws go missing from the maintenance shed.

3. At the Rosewood Asylum, psychic investigator Dan Lomas discovers the Grey Lady (who sits in a corner and drools), the Bald Man (who sits in a corner and drools) and the sinister Gaunt Figure (who drools and sits in a corner). Apparently, botched lobotomies result in really dull ghosts.

4. When she finally gets her dream job as madhouse administrator, Phillis Chimpski has nightly dreams about terrifying ghosts. She soon becomes so irrational and hysterical Dr. Bromer ties her in a straitjacket and locks her in that tiny room in the basement . . . with all her predecessors.

5. Twinkie Jones never heard of Great Uncle Waldo until she inherited his estate. She moves to Rosewood anyway, for her musical career. But that's a flop and she can't even sell the house. What to do? Haunted tours, seances, and mystery parties help her make ends meet--until the real ghosts appear and demand a shocking sacrifice.

6. Rosewood Asylum burned down eleven years ago killing everyone inside. Lindon Fairway buys the ruins to conduct paranormal research, and discovers the inmates weren't crazy; but the people who put them there were -- and now they know that he knows.


Original Version

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum:
Xavier Paranormal Investigators Case History [If you're planning a series of books about these investigators, maybe you should give the case history a number. Maybe #663 so your series can build toward #666. If it's not a series, I'd dump the subtitle.]

What Sci-D TV doesn’t know about its lead paranormal investigator, Zach Kalusky, is that he’s possessed.

Exploring the most haunted site in Chicago, the place Zach has wanted to inspect for years, comes with a catch. When the network forces Xavier Paranormal Investigators to partner with the more dramatic but less ethical, Demon Hunters, there’s sure to be conflict. Zach’s group of college science geeks square off against the showy Goth freaks. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity, [What is "the show"? If it's the Halloween special, you haven't mentioned that yet. Is Xavier Paranormal Investigators the name of a TV show, or the name of Zach's team? Is Demon Hunters the name of a TV show, or just the name of the other team?] and butts heads almost immediately with his rival host. While investigating Rosewood Asylum for a Halloween special, the teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either show has previously documented. [That sentence belongs with the next paragraph.]

But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking towards the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach deals with conflicted feelings over his own possession, he pushes himself and his team to uncover the truth about the haunting. Once its secret is uncovered, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—not to mention the surrounding historic neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat to survival. Zach must protect innocents from the asylum’s demons, while coming to grips with the skeletons in his own closet. [That sentence sounds anticlimactic after the previous one, which is a better wrap-up.]


Revised Version

Zach Kalusky, paranormal investigator and host of Sci-D TV's ________________, plans to explore the most haunted site in Chicago for a Halloween special. But there's a catch: the network insists that Zach's team partner with the more dramatic--but less ethical--Demon Hunters. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity while trying to protect a secret: that he, himself, is possessed.

While investigating Rosewood Asylum, the two teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either has previously documented. But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking toward the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach pushes his team to uncover the truth about the haunting, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—as well as the surrounding neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat . . . to survival.


Notes

As the author described this as his "pitch" I won't quibble over the fact that it is a brief synopsis and not quite a query letter, but even a pitch should indicate how long the novel is.

The only reason the Demon Hunters need to be in the plot summary is because they threaten to expose Zach's possession. We don't need to know that they are goth freaks and it's already implied that they will butt heads with Zach. Which is why I shortened that portion.

I also removed the part about Zach's conflicted feelings, which doesn't sound like something he will care about when he's experiencing more paranormal activity than ever before.

I don't think it's a problem that you don't hint at what the secret is, but it wouldn't hurt if you did.

Face-Lift 639

Guess the Plot

93 Degrees North

1. Gary Stale dreamt of traveling to the arctic and standing at the very top of the earth. After his retirement, his dream turns into reality and he makes a chilling discovery--A hovering spaceship that is the source of the northern lights.

2. On earth, there exists a portal that crosses into another dimension--A portal that rests at 93 degrees north. When an exploration team crosses over and gets lost, can they survive "Dark Earth" long enough to make it home?

3. What does 93 Degrees North mean? Absolutely nothing. But when a minion is tasked with making a humorous plot to go along with this bland title will he give up and walk away or persevere and submit a weak entry?

4. On a research vessel in the North Atlantic, Stu Nash discovers a magnetic anomaly: the ship's GPS reads "93 degrees north." Have they sailed into a realm of supernatural dangers - sirens, krakens, monsters and an inhuman otherworldly creature that feeds on human death? Or is the damn GPS malfunctioning as usual?

5. First thing Wizard Ferkle does is ruin the compass and get lost. Second thing is drive through a time warp and blow the tires. Third, the map goes up in smoke. Now it's up to Tommy to save them by battling a horde of angry Druids and an evil princess and finding the way home to Glasgow.

6. Robert Fredrick Albert Cook has a beef with history. Admiral Peary discredited his ancestor's journey to the North Pole, and Bob wants to set the record straight. Unfortunately, he's lost, his GPS is giving him an impossible latitude, and he's just spotted what looks like a massive toy factory made of candy canes.


Original Version

Dear (Agent),

I am seeking representation for my horror novel "93 Degrees North" (101,000 words).

Stu Nash isn't even supposed to be aboard the research ship Waylander; his friend Tony Morland was supposed to run their experimental equipment, while Stu monitored the results from their Edinburgh base station. But, when Tony breaks his leg, Stu has to take his place [because the electricity that powers the experimental equipment is produced by pedaling a stationary bike really fast] - and so it's Stu who discovers a weird magnetic anomaly, a strange waveform somewhere in the North Atlantic.

Depressed by his accident, Tony strikes up an acquaintance with Germanic historian Joanna Kretzschmar. [When you're in Edinburgh monitoring experimental scientific equipment, is it normal to have German historians hanging around the facility?] Joanna is with him when Stu's report comes through, and she sees the waveform - and recognizes it; she's seen it before, on a mediaeval Norse manuscript [, the sheet music to Eric the Red's megahit, "King Harald Wartooth Goes to Valhalla"].

It's a mystery that needs investigating, and Tony and Stu arrange for the ship to follow the line of the mysterious waveform, into the Arctic Circle. But things start to go wrong; there's a shadowy figure haunting Joanna, and as the ship follows the signal, its communication and navigation systems begin to break down. And then the crew of the ship start to see ghosts, too.

As Joanna struggles with her ghosts, she comes to understand what's happening; the waveform is a lure, put in place by a monstrous, inhuman creature; a white hunger that lives outside the real world. [She just "comes to understand" this? Was her train of thought something like this:

1. A research vessel has discovered a strange waveform.

2. That's the same waveform I once saw in a mediaeval Norse manuscript.]

3. It's a monstrous inhuman creature from another world! We're all gonna die!]

And, as the Waylander follows the lure, it's drawn out of the real world itself, into a realm of supernatural dangers - sirens, krakens, monsters of the deeps. The ship's crew are being picked off, one by one, while the white hunger feeds on their deaths.

Tony and Stu's equipment is the only link left between the Waylander and the real world - and Tony is obsessed, now, with finding what lies at the end of the waveform's path. Can Joanna break through his obsession and get him to turn the ship back towards safety - or will the white hunger feed on the lives of everyone aboard? [If I'm part of the crew that's getting picked off one by one, I'm not waiting around to see if Joanna can get through to Tony. The ship is turning back, and if Tony doesn't like it, he's going overboard.]

I'm a computer scientist and linguistician with an abiding interest in the mythology of the Norse sagas. Although I've been an avid reader and amateur writer for many years, this is my first attempt at finding professional representation.
Thank you for your time and consideration - I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


--------------------------------------------------------
Author's note; not part of query: (The ship's haywire GPS reads "93 degrees north" at one point, hence the title. But I'm sure you gathered that.)


Notes

Wasn't this an X-Files?

If your ship is no longer in the real world, can you really get to safety just by turning around?

Is it just a coincidence that the one person in the world who would recognize a waveform from a medieval Norse manuscript happens to be present when that waveform is transmitted to a scientific facility in Edinburgh?

Are waveforms so distinctive you never forget one? Even if they're all unique, it's like a cop seeing a fingerprint and remembering it from a case he had years ago. Or it would be, if Joanna was a physicist instead of a historian.

What do the crew think is responsible for the deaths? Is there talk of mutiny? I mean, from the Arctic Circle to 90 degrees north is 1650 miles, and research ships aren't speedboats. How long before someone says, "Hey, cap'n, turn the fuckin' boat around."?

The query reads okay, it's just a matter of deciding whether any of the questions it inspires need to be answered or avoided.