Face-Lift 679

Guess the Plot

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum

1. When Zach Kalusky and his team of paranormal investigators inspect Rosewood Asylum, another crew, the Demon Hunters is inspecting it at the same time. Now Zach has bigger problems than ghosts--what if the Demon Hunters discover that he's possessed?

2. The new asylum director believes even psychotics can contribute to the community, and what better way than hosting a Halloween haunted house for the kiddies? The inmates take up the idea with gusto, but the director has second thoughts when chain saws go missing from the maintenance shed.

3. At the Rosewood Asylum, psychic investigator Dan Lomas discovers the Grey Lady (who sits in a corner and drools), the Bald Man (who sits in a corner and drools) and the sinister Gaunt Figure (who drools and sits in a corner). Apparently, botched lobotomies result in really dull ghosts.

4. When she finally gets her dream job as madhouse administrator, Phillis Chimpski has nightly dreams about terrifying ghosts. She soon becomes so irrational and hysterical Dr. Bromer ties her in a straitjacket and locks her in that tiny room in the basement . . . with all her predecessors.

5. Twinkie Jones never heard of Great Uncle Waldo until she inherited his estate. She moves to Rosewood anyway, for her musical career. But that's a flop and she can't even sell the house. What to do? Haunted tours, seances, and mystery parties help her make ends meet--until the real ghosts appear and demand a shocking sacrifice.

6. Rosewood Asylum burned down eleven years ago killing everyone inside. Lindon Fairway buys the ruins to conduct paranormal research, and discovers the inmates weren't crazy; but the people who put them there were -- and now they know that he knows.


Original Version

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum:
Xavier Paranormal Investigators Case History [If you're planning a series of books about these investigators, maybe you should give the case history a number. Maybe #663 so your series can build toward #666. If it's not a series, I'd dump the subtitle.]

What Sci-D TV doesn’t know about its lead paranormal investigator, Zach Kalusky, is that he’s possessed.

Exploring the most haunted site in Chicago, the place Zach has wanted to inspect for years, comes with a catch. When the network forces Xavier Paranormal Investigators to partner with the more dramatic but less ethical, Demon Hunters, there’s sure to be conflict. Zach’s group of college science geeks square off against the showy Goth freaks. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity, [What is "the show"? If it's the Halloween special, you haven't mentioned that yet. Is Xavier Paranormal Investigators the name of a TV show, or the name of Zach's team? Is Demon Hunters the name of a TV show, or just the name of the other team?] and butts heads almost immediately with his rival host. While investigating Rosewood Asylum for a Halloween special, the teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either show has previously documented. [That sentence belongs with the next paragraph.]

But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking towards the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach deals with conflicted feelings over his own possession, he pushes himself and his team to uncover the truth about the haunting. Once its secret is uncovered, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—not to mention the surrounding historic neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat to survival. Zach must protect innocents from the asylum’s demons, while coming to grips with the skeletons in his own closet. [That sentence sounds anticlimactic after the previous one, which is a better wrap-up.]


Revised Version

Zach Kalusky, paranormal investigator and host of Sci-D TV's ________________, plans to explore the most haunted site in Chicago for a Halloween special. But there's a catch: the network insists that Zach's team partner with the more dramatic--but less ethical--Demon Hunters. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity while trying to protect a secret: that he, himself, is possessed.

While investigating Rosewood Asylum, the two teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either has previously documented. But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking toward the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach pushes his team to uncover the truth about the haunting, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—as well as the surrounding neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat . . . to survival.


Notes

As the author described this as his "pitch" I won't quibble over the fact that it is a brief synopsis and not quite a query letter, but even a pitch should indicate how long the novel is.

The only reason the Demon Hunters need to be in the plot summary is because they threaten to expose Zach's possession. We don't need to know that they are goth freaks and it's already implied that they will butt heads with Zach. Which is why I shortened that portion.

I also removed the part about Zach's conflicted feelings, which doesn't sound like something he will care about when he's experiencing more paranormal activity than ever before.

I don't think it's a problem that you don't hint at what the secret is, but it wouldn't hurt if you did.

Success Story

Steve Prosapio writes:

I've got a success story to share. Any time a lowly writer can work out a trip to Hawaii that's at least partially deductible, it's a success right?

I'm leading a 2-day publishing seminar on the Big Island of Hawaii. I'm planning to spend some time during the presentation covering query letters and will be showing them your last critique of my Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum query. I'll be forwarding them to your blog too. Thanks for everything!

http://hawaiinewsdaily.com/2011/09/publishing-workshop-at-volcano-art-center-sept-24-25/

Success Story

Steve Prosapio reports that his novel Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum (Face-Lift 679) will be published by Otherworld Publications in 2011.

New Beginning 772

I sat at the back of the jewelry store curled up in the brown leather chair, hidden behind the glass display cases. We should have closed an hour before, but Aunt Merelda was waiting for something.

She streaked through the small store, touching this, straightening that, making sure everything was perfect. My mother had established the store before she died, which made it mine, but Merelda lived and breathed this store. At least, she did when it suited her, and today it suited her fine. She shined the rosewood panels and glass panes on the display cases. She made sure no hint of dust remained on the artifacts scattered tastefully around the place.

The collection consisted mainly of drums and tribal jewelry, which were not for sale under any circumstances. They were my mother's, things she picked up from all over the world before she had met my dad and settled down. I stroked a feather that hung from a Native American drum, remembering the anthropologist who had come in last summer. He had begged me to sell him a few pieces from what I called the 'permanent collection'. I refused. Instead, Merelda sold him a pendant for his wife. Merelda swore the necklace would be of more benefit than any 'moldy old drum'. Her words, not mine. His wife was thinking of leaving him; any bit of goodwill he could get from her would do him good.

Eventually Aunt Merelda went into the storeroom to put her clothes back on.

“Why do you keep doing that?” I asked through the closed door.

“Doing what, dear?”

“Streaking. Through the store.”

Merelda came into the front room, buttoning her blouse. “Look at it this way. We work in a store where nothing's for sale except a few crappy trinkets.” She pointed at the camera mounted near the ceiling, “Might as well have a little fun with the security men!”


Opening: Lela Simon....Continuation: Gwen Ever

Success Story

Steve Prosapio reports that his novel GHOSTS OF ROSEWOOD ASYLUM (Facelift 679) will be published in June by Otherworld Publishing.

Steve kindly (and justifiably) gives 100% of the credit to us.