Thursday, January 29, 2009

New Beginning 601

The car rocketed from behind the hill, getting air as it did. The sleek red body was barely visible through the thick fog. The car hit and skidded on the slippery road. It hit a tree. The driver and passenger were thrown out, dismembered by broken glass and fragmented metal. The fog seemed to close around the remaining body parts, grow thicker, and then to dissolve to show two forms, each a teenager.

"Ohh, man, did you see that!? That was the coolest one, yet!"

"I dunno, Wal. I think we left the park behind back there."

"Aahh, If they want us to stay in the park when we crash things, they should mark them out more clearly."

Small red and green lights passed overhead.

"Man, I am going to have to get a plane and crash that."

"Wall, d'je'ever think what we'll do, y'know. We got enough blood for ten years, what do we do after that?"

"Ask me again in nine years and ten months, Dunc, when I might be interested."

"But, Wal, without humans, what are vampires going to feed on?"

"We'll figure out something. In the meantime, Dunc, me old mate, enjoy. We don't have to run, no one's hunting us. There's a feed on tap at the local pub. Life's sweet."

The producer sighed, and shook his head. "I don't know, Uwe. Sure, you've added car crashes, vampires, and youth appeal, but does Waiting for Godot really need a remake?"

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Batgirl


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Captions:

"Nice car, anyway." He stuck his head in the shattered window. "well, it was..."
"What's in the back?" Wal pointed to the boxes stacked up in the stationwagon's luggage area.


Dunc used his supernatural strength to wrench open the back door. He tore open one of the boxes and pulled out a book. "It's some kind of novel." He looked in the box. "They're all the same... Oh, shit, man!"

"What's up?"

"Look at this man. Publish America! Come on, let's go: these two have been sucked dry already."


Dunc kicked the remains of the car, but it didn't get any more air from that. "How do we get there, then, Wal? Walk?"
More lights flew over; Wal flexed his shoulders and began to grow bat wings.

"You want that plane, don'tcha? Mate?"

"But I can't do bats, yet. I've only just begun with pill bugs."
Wal's wings flexed. He picked up a piece of crud from the car wreck, and pierced Dunc's heart.

Nine years and ten months was just too long to put up with that dweeb.


Wal thought back to the previous night -- the running and screaming and ripping of flesh and sucking of bodily fluids. Frankly, he didn't much feel like it tonight. "Couldn't we just stay in and order pizza?"

Dunc sighed. "Alright, Wal, mate. If you insist. But this time, no extra garlic, okay?"


At the crest of the hill, two gaunt figures watched. "You see?" one whispered. "Two months ago those were cunning predators, stronger and wilier than any human. Now..."

"You're right," the other said, pushing rimless glasses higher on his nose. "You are what you eat, and the sacrifice of ten year's worth of frat boys--brave lads!--will save us all."


The shaggy-haired man cleaned his glasses, shaking his head. "The graphics and animation are fine, especially the way the severed limbs bounce and squelch as they land. It's the gameplay. This level is nothing but crashing cars, drinking blood, crashing cars, drinking blood. Before a player collects enough experience points to get the plane, he'll be bored stiff."

"But--but, it's like Need For Speed with vampires! What could be better?"

He settled the glasses on his nose. "Have you considered adding zombies?"


EB said...

"But, Wal, without humans, what are vampires going to feed on?"

Struck me as very "Well you know, Bob."

writtenwyrdd said...

The fact that these two are vampires only shows in the dialog. We don't see them hurlng the cars or whatever. We need a bit of showing as well as the neatly done bit of information dropping done via dialog.

I found the written speech annoying because of your strange attempt at writing dialect. 'Wall' for 'well' and etc. pull the reader from the story by forcing them to figure out what your characters are saying.

The line about the red and green lights makes no sense. I had to think about it and assume you meant the red and green lights of a plane. You should say that, because the reader is likely to assume the lights are just overhead like I did.

Then you say they are gathering blood and I am not sure if that's what the crashing cars thing is about or they have already gathered the blood.

Overall, two unlikeable characters doing something unworthwhile in a post vampire apocalypse world I wouldn't want to live in much less visit. I wouldn't be likely to read on with such a downer of a start, to be honest.

Dave Fragments said...

I like the idea of opening the story with two reprobates casually causing crashes and then bragging over their misdeeds. I like sociopathic killers. But Stick to one horror. Like "It's so neat to feel them die."

The ten year supply of blood is a second horror.

BTW - I had trouble understanding the first paragraph and the transition from dead bodies to floating vampires. It sounded like angelic resurrection.

When one of them says "did you see that" I get more confused. They both just materialized from the car wreck. they had to see it. Then they use the cliche of "they" -- They tried to tell us we're too young, to young to truly fall in love...

Give these guys names. Please give these guys names.

Why do "Small red and green lights pass overhead" if the car is wrecked?

Anonymous said...

I honestly can't read this without thinking of Leave It to Beaver.

Make of that what you will.

batgirl said...

The opening raises some interesting questions. How can 10 years worth of human blood be kept on tap? Why didn't the vampires decide to maintain a breeding population? How long will the vamps in charge be willing to keep feeding two wastes of space like Wal and Dunc?
I didn't have much trouble finding my way in the narrative (though it's possible I made some wrong assumptions). Two young vamps amuse themselves by smashing up vehicles, knowing that they'll be revitalised regardless.
The dialogue was a bit clunky, perhaps because of infodumps like speaking of 'vampires' instead of 'us', and the dialect spelling.

And ooh, my continuation got picked! Happy dance!

Evil Editor said...

Give these guys names. Please give these guys names.

Their names are Wal and Dunc, or at least that's my take. (Walter and Duncan?)

Wal being a name (and Wall a possible typo for Wal) there's not much dialect here.

The lights are clearly a plane.

So are all humans gone? If everyone's a vampire, where's the conflict?

Dave Fragments said...

Gee, I missed both names. Sorry about that, my fault.

AS for the plane, I misinterpreted the red and green lights as driving or floating under stop lights at an intersection.

Then I interpreted the "Man, I am going to have to get a plane and crash that" line not as him pointing up to the sky and saying {...} but him looking as his buddy and saying (in effect) that crashing the car was so exciting, he wanted to move up to bigger and better things.

Sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

It's a good set up but the execution isn't there yet.

It seems to me you don't have a strong grasp on your characters' voices. The phrase "me old mate" in particular bugs me. Is is supposed to be Irish, Cockney or Australian? And surely two old friends wouldn't keep referring to each other by name in every other line?

Also worrying is the first paragraph. The sentence construction is basic and very repetitive - four out of five sentences start with the word "the". It doesn't bode well for the rest of the book.

Still, the idea is worth developing. You've got some rewriting to do, my friend.

Xiexie said...

Okay, first reaction: I just read this and I couldn't immediately recall the events.

Now that I've reread:

We have "The car rocketed... sleek red body...the car hit and skidded. It hit..."

For me I think one of those hits needs to be changed. Maybe
The sleek red body was barely visible through the thick fog. It smacked(landed, etc?) and skidded on the slippery road before hitting a tree.

I'm with Dave on the "did you see that!?" I'd expect that line from a watcher more so than a participant. I think, "Ohh, man, that was the coolest one yet!" sounds more real a reaction as far as a participant in the crashing.

The rest of the dialogue for me (after the crashing the plane) is too much As you know, Bob... Show us this info rather than letting the dialogue do all the work.

I would read on though.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Dave, I was bothered and bewildered but not bewitched enough to try a continuation or keep reading.

"So are all humans gone? If everyone's a vampire, where's the conflict?"

The humans are gone, so what in the heck is for lunch? Squirrels? (Just kidding Buffy) I can just see a bunch of anemic vampires with fur on their jowls scampering after the last remaining doormouse. After a thousand years or so of that they are going to WANT to die.

Phoenix Sullivan said...

I thought Dave was being ironic when he said give the guys names. Until he said he overlooked the names.

I'm afraid that's ALL I remembered from this. Tennis balling names. Volleyed back and forth, back and forth. I wanted it to stop. Sorry.

The first paragraph moved much too quickly for me. I want to see and feel that crash. I didn't believe the dismembering for a second the way it was presented. Body parts flying ... nah. And what's the POV? If omniscient, than the fog wouldn't "seem" to close around the "remaining body parts." And what does "remaining body parts" mean? Are there other body parts that Wal and Dunc won't wind up with because the fog doesn't close around those parts?

The idea here is fun; it just needs to be presented more clearly.

Oh Batgirl, I love, love that contin!

Dave Fragments said...

Please don't forget that I said: I like the idea of opening the story with two reprobates casually causing crashes and then bragging over their misdeeds. I like sociopathic killers.

The opening inspired me to go back and read my "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" illustrated comic books. It wasn't so much as an inspiration but a blood lust and psychotic break. But I'm ok now that he medicines have kicked in.

D Jason Cooper said...

These two are Australians, Wal (Walter) and Dunc (Duncan) don't know each other. The constant use of names is an old con-artist trick to get people to react as if they are old friends. If everyone is a vampire, then (a) who controls the remaining blood stores and (b) who's killing the vampires now? Dunc worries a lot, Wal doesn't, making them chalk and cheese as a team.
They like crashing vehicles. In this story, vampires in general like that, which is why the mention of the park. Wal does get the bright idea of crashing a plane, which is the red and green lights overhead.
Sarah of Hawthorne, why did you assume it was to be be a book?
I did have worries about the crash. It didn't seem quite right. Perhaps because I've seen the rest, the other things didn't jump out at me.

Anonymous said...

Wall looked like dialect for well to me.