Saturday, July 19, 2008

New Beginning 531

"But why are you taking mom out to dinner?"

"Because I'm a very selfish man. I like to show other men how well I married."

Colonel Hand finished tying his tie and adjusted his medals. He put his eye patch into place and looked at the mirror and smiled at the reflection of his wife. She finished her make-up, then ran her fingers through her hair, then flattened her hair with her palms, then did the whole thing over three more times. She combed her hair one more time before rising to put on her dress and shoes.

Their son continued lolling about the bedroom, too tired to stay still in that way that only the very young have.

"There's the doorbell."

He went to let the sitter in, pausing as he walked down the stairs in order to remember the place. Tomorrow he'd be heading back to the front and this would only be a memory. He opened the door and stood, stunned by what was before him.

"Colonel Mustard?! But . . . you're--"

"Dead? No, my friend. Your lead pipe in the conservatory wasn't enough to finish me." He pulled a revolver from his jacket. "Into the billiard room," he said, "where I can assure you that I won't be so sloppy."

Opening: Anon......Continuation: Khazar-khum


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Continuations:

Colonel Hand's mother was in chains, accompanied by a Confederate lieutenant.

"Lieutenant, what is the meaning of this?"

"Your mother is a Yankee spy, Colonel. Caught her dead to rights handing troop strength numbers to a Yank."


Mrs. Hand rattled her chains. "Your daddy's not quite as...European, as you like to think, Son."


--Bill H.

"Colonel, we know you did it in the library with a candlestick. You'll have to come along with us now."

--Julie Weathers

Blue eyes, red hair, and breasts, giant, glorious breasts. He stared at her magnificence.

"Knock it off, twerp!" his sister snapped, red hair snaking around her. "Just because I told Mom I'd watch you tonight doesn't mean you have to be a jackass."

He watched, awestruck, as she wiggled into the room. If this was what happened to girls when they left for college, he'd better work on his grades.


"Oh no!" Hand said, in a cracked high voice that did not seem to be his own. "It's Mister Bill!"
The lumpy clay figure smiled redly. "That's right, Hand, and I've come for my revenge at last."


"Good evenink, Colonel," hissed the Russian, his hat low over his eyes. "Unfinished business, ya?" With a swift snap of his hand, a tiny dart slammed into the Colonel's chest.

He staggered back, letting the door fall shut. What poison had the evil bastard used? Hemlock? Arsenic? Strychnine?

"For goodness' sake, let her in," called his wife, fabric taut across her breasts as she came downstairs.

A strange warm sensation filled him. They hadn't. Why, those fiends! They'd used viagra!


The Colonel hadn't seen Sally Whitman for years. He remembered her as an awkward, plain little girl with scaffolded teeth. This new Sally Whitman, though, home from college for the summer, was tall and slim with a cleavage that challenged the holding power of her low-cut top. Her legs, protruding from a pair of denim short-shorts, reached all the way to the floor.

"We meet again, Colonel Hand," she said, through ruby red lips, and gave a dainty little salute.

The Colonel forgot his military poise and slouched there, mouth agape, while his Privates, instinctively, stood to attention.


"Colonel Hand!" The young soldier at the door was disheveled and out of breath. "Thank God I caught you."

"Sergeant Scapula! What the devil--?"

"I'm sorry, sir. General Elbowe sent me to get you. The enemy have launched an attack.

"Sir, we have to deploy immediately. We'll definitely be going out on a limb, but without us, the Army's useless."


Evil Editor said...

The wife can't really "finish" her makeup four times.

If you tell us who says "There's the doorbell."

...then we'll know who it is going to let the sitter in. As it is it seems like it's the son going to the door.

Chris Eldin said...

Did anybody see The Dark Knight?

It's brilliant. Makes me even sadder about Heath Ledger.

Renee Collins said...

"Into the Billard Room." LOL

Hilarious continuation. Brought back warm memories of playing Clue.

Sarah Laurenson said...

I need some grounding in the dialogue here. Without tags, especially in the first line, I'm not clear about the players and their relationship to each other. And that makes it hard to read this and say yes or no to liking it.

EB said...

The most confusing part came near the end. The most recent character mentioned is the son. Then comes the dialogue. Then "[h]e went to let the sitter in..." which I first interpreted as the SON going to let the sitter in. Was the son going back to the front as a young lieutenant? (Thinking of, say, the family in Wouk's "War & Remembrance.") This created a host of confusion, including the young male son "lolling about the bedroom" before his mother has donned her dress. Context obviously tells me that's not the case, ain't good.

The eye-patched and be-ribboned colonel doesn't make me think "The Front," but rather rear echelon HQ.

The detail of the wife running her fingers through her hair seems fake. If she's so particular as to re-do her makeup 3 times, wouldn't she be brushing and patting her hair, making sure the strands weren't escaping the coif rather than creating more follicular disarray with her fingers?

Anonymous said...

Despite the confusion over who answers the door, despite the woman's strange make-up routine, this one clicked with me. It reminds me of the way "Law & Order" usually starts: people going about their routines, and then BAM! somebody's dead.

D Jason Cooper said...

The four-time finish was to show how much she was fussing. She was a pin-up girl before marrying him and he's only back from the front for a short time. The war's gone on for a long time. That's one reason why eye-patch and medal guy is at the front.
She uses her fingers because wild and tousled is 'the' look. Especially hers.
She says someone's at the door, he goes. I should make that clear.
Who he meets at the door is her sister, much more grown up than he remembered (though later we find out that's not what stuns him).
Beginnings where a couple red herrings are set or where non-obvious changes to history or the way things are done seem to cause problems, or is it just me who thinks that? If I say 'this is another planet,' that seems OK, but it the f/sf builds a little more slowly, that seems to cause problems. Do I need to put some kind of anchoring big thump right at the beginning?

Evil Editor said...

I have no problem with her trying to get her hair just right. My problem is with the word "finished." She can finish her makeup only once. Until she does it no more, she isn't finished.