Thursday, October 18, 2007

New Beginning 389

The moment the door creaked open, Dom pressed his foot in the gap. He shoved the photo of the werewolf through the crack. "Seen him?"

"What--?" The door lurched, but the man inside recovered fast. He let it fall back a second later as if he never had any intention of shutting it in Dom's face.

Dom waited.

Alan Winn arched an eyebrow and ignored the photograph. "Not even a smile or a hello?"

Dom lowered the photo. "Hello." His foot stayed in the doorway.

Alan's pale face was all angles, thinned by the drugs he tainted the neighborhood with and made worse by the shadows of night. Dom could see the glitter of his eyes, familiar. Smug. It made him itch.

The whole fetid neighborhood made him itch, with its boarded-up windows and whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding feral humans that would curse at anyone who came too close.

Nobody gave a shit there. Nobody believed in anything. That was it's biggest blessing to the people forced to spend their lives there, but it kept the place in an endless pall, day or night, sun or rain.

"So," said Alan, "what brings you to Detroit?"

Opening: Lynn Hall.....Continuation: khazar-khum


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen Continuations:

This is a world that doesn't do, doesn't do, doesn’t do.
But they hide.
Hide behind doors of wood, doors of steel, doors of glass.
Behind bottle clinks as whiskey pours
And three by two, two by one, and one by none, they slide from street to room.
Past the refuse, past the rejected, past the litter of lives lost and future decayed.
Apathy, our god.
Apathy, our victor.
Apathy, ours

--Dave F.

It was his kind of place.

"Well? Remember him?" Dom shoved the picture close to Alan's face.

Alan didn't release the pressure on his door, keeping it wedged against Dom's foot. He sniffed. "Sure, but..."

"His teeth. Look at his teeth."


Dom cocked his head to one side and pulled his lips back in a snarl. "Grrrrowl?"

Alan's mouth dropped open. "You? That was you?"

"Shit happens. What can I say?"

"OK. So what do you want now?"

Dom leaned his shoulder against the door, but Alan pushed back just as hard. Dom wasn't nearly as strong in the daytime. He shrugged and took a deep breath. "I've given it a lot of thought, Alan -- I can call you Alan, right? I've given it a lot of thought, and I'll take it. Three hundred a month plus utilities, right?"

"Well Jeez, why didn't you say? Come on in!"


"Well...have you seen him ?"

"In a manner - he didn't look like that though," Alan answered. "You don't get many dye jobs in this neighborhood these days. Looks like he's let it grow out. Pity. It worked on him."

Dom looked at the picture himself. Jeff had always been a blond. Dye job ? The realization was cold whiskey that he'd been dating a lie.

One thing Dom was sure of from the picture: it had been a very thorough effort and the colorist was a goddess.

He smiled. Dom had always been attracted to class.
--A. Snarkling

Evil Editor said...

A good introduction to this world.

It isn't clear to me why the door lurched. I assume Dom shoved it, because Alan recovers. Or did it lurch when Alan tried unsuccessfully to shut it in Dom's face? I don't actually care who caused the lurching, but it might as well be clear if it's going to be mentioned.

Ali said...

I really liked this, loved the voice, am intrigued by Dom and his relationship to Alan and the werewolf in the photo. Something about the way Dom lowers the photo and says "Hello" really caught me (in a good way), I could hear the flatness in his voice.

Like EE, I was a little confused by the lurch in the door combined with the man recovering--I thought he was trying to shut it in Dom's face, but it took a couple readings to confirm that.

Using the second character's name in the 4th paragraph but not the 2nd one confused me for a sec--is it the same guy? Is it another character? I think it'd be clearer to either call him by name right from the start, or to skip it in the 4th paragraph and wait until the description in the 6th.

And lastly, "That was its biggest blessing." No apostrophe, unless you're saying "That was it is biggest blessing." Picky, I know, but there it is.

Nice work.

Robin S. said...

Hi Lyn,,

I like it, and I'd read more.

I think your descriptions are really well done - just enough to paint a strong picture and a mood - and no overkill.

That one line continuation is a hoot.

Ello - Ellen Oh said...

Great beginning! REally grabbed my interest and had great descriptions. I thought it had a really strong voice. I really liked it.

But the continuation was hysterical!

writtenwyrdd said...

I liked it a lot. The world is established enough to get my attention and want to read more.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, everyone! I'll take care of that lurching door.

That's an interesting opening, Dave. Is it from something?