Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bad Analogies

The task was to come up with bad analogies. Possibly I've received all I'm going to, but as I set no deadline, I'll now set one: 5 PM Wednesday, eastern time. Here are the one's I've received so far:

She needed him like the desert needs rain--which is to say, not so much, because every part of her life functioned perfectly without him, and if he were around, more than likely everything would drown. -- elissa

The cupboard was almost bare and we worried about surviving until the next supply drop, like when Evil Editor runs low on queries and the only opening left is the one nobody gets and the continuations for it suck so EE makes up writing exercises to fill the void until a rush of new submissions always somehow appear and save the day, except we didn’t think it would work like that with our cupboard because it’s not connected to the internet and even if it was it’d probably only deliver really, really tiny food, or pictures of food, maybe clipart. --blogless_troll

She was a spiritual as the Virgin Mary on a salami sandwich. -- Bernita

The air outside was so hot it felt like it had been warmed up all day long by a giant ball of fire, without the benefit of cloud cover. -- blogless_troll

She was frustrated, like when you’re late for something, but also really thirsty, so you run in 7-11 for a Super Big Gulp and they’re out of Mountain Dew, so you have to get Dr. Pepper instead, but then you get stuck behind some goober at the register conducting an intricate Lotto transaction that the clerk doesn’t understand, so Mr. Goober says, “No, no, no, box the three,” and you want to smack him with his special vinyl lottery ticket wallet that’s overflowing with last week’s losers only you can’t because it’ll just make you more late and they’ll probably call the cops too. -- blogless_troll

Her legs were like toothpicks; I wanted them between my teeth. -- Chro

His face was like a watermelon smothered in chocolate -- you know what I mean. -- Chro

A scream erupted from her throat like a volcano that, coincidentally, is also afraid of spiders. -- Chro

A gunshot rang out, like one of those charity Santa Clauses, except louder and with more blood and black powder. -- Chro

Her lips were not unlike the lips of most women, except they were different in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on. -- Chro

It felt exactly like jumping on a pogo stick, except not. -- Chro

The quick-as-a-toaster-set-on-the-lowest-setting brown-as-the-toast-made-by-aforementioned-toaster fox jumped-like-the-toast-did-coming-out-of-the-toaster over the lazy-like-me-when-I-just-sat-down-on-the-couch-not-realizing-the-toast-would-be-done-so-quickly dog. -- Chro

She was striking, but dull, like a twenty car pile up with no fatalities. -- blogless_troll

The whiteness was all over the rice, like white on r— …like flies on shit. -- blogless_troll

He was as agitated as Porky Pig on crystal meth at a luau. -- blogless_troll

It was a familiar silence, like when police sirens in the background stop suddenly and you wonder if they caught the guy, or got T-boned by a semi instead, or maybe the cop just wanted to get through the red light. -- blogless_troll

Ripping her cuticle hurt real bad, like ripping her heart open would've, except she could suck on her finger to make it feel better. -- Robin S.

The way writers write about living through the apocalypse makes it sound like the world is cleaning out its refrigerator, and you’re just hanging on like a week-old celery stalk, and hoping you’re one of the ones that’s still got enough crisp in you not to be tossed out. -- Robin S.

It was cold as a really cold piece of metal on a cold frozen ground. -- December/Stacia

He was ugly as sputum sicked up on the ground. -- December/Stacia

Her smile stretched across her face like mucous. -- December/Stacia

The sunset was rosy as a spanked bottom. -- December/Stacia

She was smug and conceited, and arrogant about her legacy which she thought made her better than everyone, and she bought and sold people like internet stocks, but people still flocked to her, still rooted for her, and wanted to be associated with her even though they knew nothing about her, and they didn't understand why she deserved to lose, didn't understand why they should revel in her disappointment and celebrate her failures: she was just like the Yankees. -- blogless_troll

Lippman's sleep was as deep and satisfying as death itself, except for that part where you don't wake up, of course. -- Paul Penna

Her excuse was as flimsy as a roll of toilet paper you accidentally dropped in the bowl. -- Paul Penna

Virginia's husband confessing he was gay after twelve years of marriage was as unexpected as an SUV signaling a lane change. -- Paul Penna

His analogy was as bad as that thing that's sort of like that other thing. -- Paul Penna


Dave Fragments said...

You all should just remain where you are. Help is on the way in the form of ambulances with men in white coats and straight jackets.

Very, very funny!

Bernita said...

Some of these are not bad - they're very good.
Bloggless and the 20 car pile-up is just one, Paul's dropped toilet paper is another.
And December - eeewee - but good!
Pleased my tiny mind anyway.

Sylvia said...

Wonderful! More please!

(word ver: wtfxl ... exactly how I feel about my clothing size since I quit smoking!)

pacatrue said...

I loved Paul's last one.

Wonderwood said...

These were great! I was laughing all the way through. Blogless, you've got some classics. All of writers had good ones. I couldn't pick a favorite. Nice job.

GutterBall said...

She was striking, but dull, like a twenty car pile up with no fatalities.

He was as agitated as Porky Pig on crystal meth at a luau.

Oh, my GOD, is that hilarious. Both of them. WAH!

Paul Penna said...

She was striking, but dull, like a twenty car pile up with no fatalities. -- blogless_troll

My personal favorite! Hats off.

Chris Eldin said...

Spanked bottom, legs like toothpicks, 20 car pile-up--all excellent!

Chro, where have you been hiding-these are hysterical!!

cupboard/query very cute!

Toast one gave me a headache.

Robin, Cuticle heart--good one!

Paul Penna-loved the toilet paper one!

All of these are a fun, fun read!!

Nancy Beck said...

All were great, but blogless and chro's - egad! :-)