Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
New Beginning 55
Ring of Fire
If Tommy Barrett didn’t stop trying to look down her top, she was going to smack him. Gun or no gun.
Fortunately for him, being stuck in the back of the police cruiser severely limited her maiming options, for now. Trixie puckered her lips in annoyance; Tommy had never been one for subtle hints.
“You comfortable back there?” she could hear the smirk behind the words. From experience she knew that reasoning with him wouldn’t work; this situation called for desperate measures.
With a silent prayer to whatever deity was listening, she wet her lips and pulled what she hoped looked like a sexy pout. “What if I promised to behave myself?” This time… she added under her breath.
“No freaking way sweetheart.” Grinning, he checked his cell phone for the twentieth time.
With a hiss of frustration, she slumped back on the hard seat. Flirting was not going to work; Tommy was dreaming if he thought he’d get to see any more skin. It was time to try a new tactic.
Officer Tommy Barrett squirmed uncomfortably in the driver's seat of the cruiser. He lifted himself up a few inches to relieve pressure. That helped, but that tramp in the back seat, Trixie, didn't like it. That skank thinks I'm trying to check out her cleavage in the rear-view mirror! he laughed inwardly.
He wasn't sure if it was last-night's chili-pepper doritos or this morning's breakfast burrito that was ruining his day. All he knew was that his anus was aflame with the notorious "Ring of Fire."
Continuation: Dave Conifer
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11 comments:
hahaha!
That continuation was pretty awesome.
Actually, the phrase "ring of fire" always makes me want to giggle. In these here parts, one of our two OB-GYNs (a creepy little dude with thick glasses, horrible acne scars and untreated scoliosis) likes to sit on the catcher's stool while mommy pushes, and sing Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. A couple times he's actually fallen asleep at his post (ugh), and he says singing keeps him awake.
Needless to say, I went for the six-and-a-half foot tall OB with the dumbo ears and bad breath. When needs must...
I'm a little confused on a first read through, but it seems easy to fix. The second paragraph threw me because of the ol' dangling modifier. I thought Tommy was in the back seat of the cruiser. And that made me believe that she was the one with the gun in the first paragraph. It got more confusing from then on.
Couple subtle changes will fix all that.
But the larger problem here is that there isn't anything pulling me in yet. No mystery about what's happening. If there is a mystery, there's no hint about it here. Just seems like a routine bust which is ... rather routine, ya know.
The other point of confusion, which likely is explained or exploited soon in the story, is why Tommy is checking his cell phone for the 20th time. Is he a crooked cop?
I'd like see a little more action or a hint at higher stakes to open things up. That said, your writing is nice, so if you can start the story when something more enticing is happening, I'd keep reading.
Good luck.
John
While I am still somewhat traumatized from New Beginning #53, I'm here to say, that I'd hang around a few more pages to learn about Trixie.(Even though the name makes me think of a dog I once loved and lost.) Some voice here, I think, and the possibility of fun to come.
One small point. Wouldn't it read better to say: Fortunately for him, her being stuck in . . .
Fun writing.
Unfortunately for readers, including misplaced modifiers can really mess up a sentence. First sentence of 2nd paragraph: "Fortunately for him, being stuck in the back of the police cruiser..." Couple that with the construction of the third paragraph, and you are giving the impression that Trixie is the cop in the front and Tommy is in the back. Or at least, I got that impression. Maybe I'm the only one.
I like the first paragraph, though I'd like to see a comma instead of a period.
The silent prayer to "whatever deity" seemed out of character for what I know of Trixie so far. She wants to maim him; she tries to flirt her way out; she promises not to behave next time; she hisses in frustration.
Generally OK--you set a scene and put the characters in it, and you show us a little of both of them while implying a prior relationship between the two. I'm intrigued enough to read on, at least a few more pages.
The continuation was brilliant.
I don't think the gun is a real threat to Trixie unless Tommy is a crooked cop (which he may be). Maybe just write it so that the screen in the cruiser is the only thing stopping Trixie from smacking him. She could spit on him, though. You could add authenticity to your story by putting in what is called a "brake check" or "screen check". Years ago I was a cop and if a perp was particularly nasty (spitting through the cage, etc.) we would do what is called a "brake check" or "screen check" on him. That is, slam on the brakes and plant his mug into the screen -I forgot to put his seatbelt on, oops. -JTC
I can't visualise this scene. Is Tommy driving the cruiser, looking down her top or fiddling with his cell phone? Or all three?
His dialogue suggests he's in the front of the car and she's in the back. That makes it difficult for me to believe he can look down her top.
At first I thought Tommy and Trixie were both in the back seat of the cruiser. Then I tried to figure out whether maybe Trixie was the cop. I did get it straightened out, but by then I was annoyed and kind of blaming it on poor Trixie, who seems to have enough problems in her life.
On a second read, the opening seemed more interesting. Apparently these two have known each other for a while, and don't get along. I'm curious about what she did to get arrested, and why he keeps checking his cell phone.
I would keep reading long enough to find out whether it's a story I'm interested in reading.
I liked the first sentence, had a good hook. But I had a problem with visualizing the scene. I too could not see how Tommy was looking down her top if he was sitting in the front and she was in the back. I agree that there was some awkward sentence structuring in the second paragraph. HIssing in frustration is cliche, even for a girl named Trixie. The names were not grabbing me either. Tommy and Trixie? I have to say, I couldn't get pass Trixie. What followed didn't live up to what I was looking forward to in that first sentence.
As I'm on the run from the law, for that 'doctor' incident, it is hard to get access to internet. However, hiding in a store, I finally hooked. Hmmmm... From what I see, folks are writing a lot about anuses lately. Is this a new fad, or something I've missed?
So... she was going to smack him, if he looked down her top, yet she's the one trying to seduce him?
Author: forgive my confusion, I've had way to much banana punch last night. Am I reading this right?
Maybe the Squirrels from Space should fly to Uranus. Keeps the theme going.
I know, I know... I'm totally not being useful.
Perhaps Tommy can see down her top when he peeks at her reflection in the rearview mirror. Or, anonymous cop, do they have little video cameras in the back?
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