Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
New Beginning 27
Vengeance
Sunday 11:43 p.m.
Patti Borden, MD, craved a shot of tequila, but she was on call and patients and malpractice defense attorneys frowned on drunk obstetricians. Plaintiff attorneys would fall all over themselves in ecstasy, but she would not line their pockets so easily. She’d make them rich soon enough. But not tonight.
She swiveled her leather chair to gaze out the windows of her corner office. Vague shadows of ancient volcanoes on the horizon delineated the stars from Albuquerque’s twinkling city lights. The view was spectacular but she’d rarely taken time to appreciate it. Of course, she rarely sat in her office staring out the windows close to midnight. Ordinarily, if she wasn’t home in bed, she’d be at the hospital next door in the emergency room, the operating room, or on labor and delivery waiting for a baby. Ordinarily, she hated waiting and she envied her midwife colleagues their easy patience. She knew Felicia was on call tonight and could imagine her rubbing a pregnant woman’s back or wiping the woman’s sweating forehead with a cool cloth or simply murmuring words of encouragement, all while she waited. Ordinarily she would say no to that shot of tequila.
But not tonight. To hell with the attorneys. Patti opened her desk drawer and grabbed the bottle. She chugged back one, two, three big mouthfuls. She slid the bottle back into the drawer. It clanked against the blade of the axe. The little rhyme that had been running through Patti's head all night returned; this time a little louder:
Patti Borden took an axe
And gave her midwife forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done
She gave Felicia forty-one.
Continuation: McKoala
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14 comments:
"she would not line their pockets so easily"... is damned awkward.
Is it necessary at all?
Yes, I had the same reaction to the name "Patti Borden." Too close to Miss Lizzie.
A few small problems in the second paragraph. Lose "of course" and consider whether you need a connective there at all. Is it perhaps a place to start a new paragraph? Fix that clause that begins "on labor."
In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "she'd" = she would stopped me. Did you mean "she might"? "She would" sounds like something Dr Borden is planning to do something foolish.
Lots of good stuff going on. Is Dr Borden an alcoholic? Why is she obsessed with malpractice litigation? Why does she envy Rebecca?
"Easy patience"?
I really liked this opening; liked the voice, liked the character.
The only part I had a problem with was:
"Ordinarily, if she wasn’t home in bed, she’d be at the hospital next door in the emergency room, the operating room, or on labor and delivery waiting for a baby. Ordinarily, she hated waiting and she envied her midwife colleagues their easy patience."
You started two sentences in a row out with "Ordinarily," so you should probably change one of them up somehow. I also felt like the listing of all the things she normally would be doing got repetitive. "if she wasn’t home in bed, she’d be at the hospital next door in the emergency room" would be fine for me.
Poohba, nice kid gloves. you liked everything but the whole thing. You're very kind.
Vague shadows of ancient volcanoes on the horizon delineated the stars from Albuquerque’s twinkling city lights.
I'm sorry, but I have no idea what this means.
A couple of suggestions:
-I think you can cut the first paragraph after "drunk obstetricians"; the fact that defense attorneys don't like them is enough to imply that plaintiff attorneys would, and that she's thinking about it all let's us know she's in some kind of trouble.
-The second paragraph gets kind of wordy; I'd drop "vague", the second "ordinarily" and the rest of the sentence after "the hospital next door". Also, I think you want separated rather than delineated.
Sorry if this is all rather nitpicky; I think there's some good stuff here that just could use some tightening up.
This goes on for too long without letting on what's special or different about this particular night.
What is this with trotting one's credentials out in the first line.
It's not necessary. Try some other way of imparting she's an M.D.
Patti Bourdin craved a shot of tequila. But people frown on drunk obstetricians, and she didn't feel like lining the pockets of ambulance chasers tonight. Another time, she thought, as she tossed her pager onto her desk.
There's a lot observing and backstory in the second paragraph. Beyond 'hate,' what is she feeling? What's going on?
"She"is used 9 times. This means you're describing, but you're not imparting any emotion or action.
When I think of Albuquerque, I think less of twinkling lights than I do of mesas, dust and full moons. I don't doubt that they're there, but I think since you kick off with a strong image of "shot of tequila" that when your prose segues over to 'twinkling lights,' it seems incongrous. Your prose has to be sharp, snappy and muscular.
Nice start. Rewrite, let us know how it's going. Sounds like you've got some real insight as to the profession.
I DID like the overall tone, setting and characterization. I was trying to help the author fine-tune a portion of his/her excerpt... which is the point of this, correct?
a nitpick detail, but I believe most on-call docs either stay at the hospital (there's usually a room with a cot set aside for them) or else they go home and wait for the pager to go off (about 15 minutes after they fall asleep) I could be wrong, but that's the way my dad does it.
Poohbah, I don't think there are any probs with what you said. You were right.
I'm approaching the submissions as I would in any workshop.
And what we say, is nothing compared to what will be determined by an agent or editor down the road.
Thanks so much to everyone for your comments.
I laughed at the Lizzie Borden reference. Just goes to show what happens when one gets too close to their MS. Find and replace is my new best friend.
Nessili, you are correct. Which is why ordinarily she would be home in bed or in the hospital treating patients. But on this night, she is sitting up in her office, stressed out, waiting for a fax that will destroy her career. Wanting a shot of tequila. This woman (nee Bordon) does not wield a blade, she becomes the victim of one.
I am so glad that I did not get a chorus of "WTF??" that I could cry. Happy tears, of course.
I will rework and tighten.
Thanks again!
"Vague shadows of ancient volcanoes on the horizon delineated the stars from Albuquerque’s twinkling city lights."
I like that. Describing New Mexico in the same old boring way with mesas and the like -cliche.
I also like starting two sentences with "ordinarily" -it show originality and I do get the tone that sets.
I agree about changing the name.
This writing style is much like a friend of mine and I like it. -JTC
P.S. I hope I don't spam you, EE. I got an error the first time.
I really liked this; Patti seems almost wistful to me, like she's expecting something big to happen as she's gazing at the night sky. The tequila thing shook me a bit, too.
I think I'd tighten the 2nd paragraph, maybe lose a couple of words, that sort of thing.
Sounds like an interesting story. Good luck with it!
~Nancy
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