Why you don't get published.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
New Beginning 28
There was nothing particularly extraordinary about the life of Alexandra Elizabeth Barnett. She lived in an ordinary house, on an ordinary street, in an ordinary neighborhood. She had an ordinary mother, an ordinary father, and an ordinary little brother and sister who teased and tormented her like all ordinary siblings do. She attended an ordinary school, with ordinary students - the vast majority of whom harbored the ambition of making her life absolutely miserable. Perhaps they did so out of sheer boredom, because nothing - absolutely nothing - exciting or out of the ordinary ever happened in the sleepy town of Avalon. There were no grand adventures to be had, no mysteries to unravel, and certainly no terrible truths to be discovered. Everything was nice, neat, and perfectly predictable. For the first sixteen years of her entire life, Alexandra’s existence to date was, well, ordinary - which, of course, was precisely the problem.
On the morning of her sixteenth birthday she thought about the problem while she dressed. "Maybe running away and joining the circus would make my life less ordinary," she said to herself as she put on her left shoe.
But while she laced her right shoe it occurred to her that writing a bestselling novel would be even less ordinary.
Then she put on her middle shoe and decided all this was tosh. What she really needed was a second eye.
Continuation: Eleanor
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26 comments:
okay, okay I get the point already. She's ordinary. You don't need to beat me to death with that word so many times. I was annoyed until I got the line "the vast majority of whom harbored the ambition of making her life absolutely miserable." I would get to that quicker. Make it known that her life is ordinary then get to the juicy misery and how she's going to make her life unordinary. I also like the line "which, of course, was precisely the problem." I'd put that at the beginning. Hope that helps. Good luck.
I don't mind purposeful repetition, but why do I have the feeling I have seen this exact opening before?
I like the monotony of the paragraph. It seems to suit the rhythm of life in Avalon. Why not try "out of the ordinary"in the first sentence instead of "particularly extraordinary"? By all means repeat "ordinary," but it might impress readers like Anonymous if you were able to do so with several varying idioms/constructions.
The last sentence has two problems: "entire life" and "existence to date."
I find it all a bit...dare I say it?
Ordinary...
Maybe because you have?
From Chicken Soup for the Soul:
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/99/story_9975_1.html
Or songs from my fair lady... fleetwood mac...
Also, the whole 'being boring' thing has been done excellently by jk rowling in the first hp... and she didn't have to repeat the word 'ordinary' to get her point across.
It's pretty cliche. I would stop reading. Even "which, of course, was precisely the problem" is extremely common phrasing.
You had me through the first ten ordinaries.
But the eleventh killed it for me.
My first thought was "if she's that ordinary, why would I want to read about her?"
I think I know what you're trying to do with that, but it's overkill. You only need to use the word once or twice for us to get the idea. I agree with "anonymous," get to the juicy part earlier before your readers' eyes start to glaze.
LOVED the continuation.
Oh, I dunno, anon#2. I thought Order of the Phoenix was far more boring than the first HP. Maybe because there was just so much of it.
Ordinarily I'd read this.
It all seems a bit Lerner & Loewe to me...
Alexandra Elizabeth Barnett is an ordinary girl,
Who desires nothing more,
Than just an ordinary chance,
To live exactly as she likes,
And do precisely what she wants...
An average girl is she, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live her life, free of strife,
Doing whatever she thinks, is best, for her.
Well just....an ordinary girl.....
BUT, Let Evil Editor in her life,
And her serenity's a blur,
He'll eviscerate her query,
From the greeting to the name,
Then go on to the enthralling,
Fun of overhauling her...
I'm another who feels that "ordinary" is both overused and overexplained. Repeat it a couple of times for emphasis, sure. But this many times does more than convey Alexandra's frustration with her uneventful life--it risks frustrating the reader, too. Alexandra can act to change her life; the reader can put the book down.
As if all those repetitions of "ordinary" weren't enough, you then go on to explain what it means: There were no grand adventures to be had, no mysteries to unravel, and certainly no terrible truths to be discovered. Everything was nice, neat, and perfectly predictable. That's where you really lost me as a reader. Why use "ordinary" over and over again if you don't trust the reader to understand the word? Consider cutting some of the "ordinarys" and moving the sentences just quoted up.
Another strategy--get some imagery in there! You can either describe the ordinariness of Alexandra's family, for example, or contrast it to other, more interesting families nothing like her own. In the current first paragraph, there's nothing whatsoever for the reader to see (or hear or taste or smell or touch).
That's part of what makes the continuation funny. As Alexandra finally comes into focus, we see that her definition of "ordinary" doesn't mesh with our own.
I agree -- too many "ordinaries." But you could substitute other synonyms: average, run-of-the-mill, standard, unremarkable, etc.
That might be funny, even.
I made it to the eight ordinary, and then I lost it.
Deliberate repetition is a respectable literary device,but 3 or 4 is usually the maximum allowable limit.
Here I think the writer got drunk on style, not story.
Saralee is right, substitute, if you are determined to open in this style.
I don't think there's anything wrong with this kind of opening, as long as the next sentence gets into what is about to happen and change things. I seem to be in an editing mood today, so here's my suggestion for a cut-down version:
There was nothing extraordinary about Alexandra Elizabeth Barnett. She lived in an ordinary house, in an ordinary neighborhood. She had an ordinary family and she attended an ordinary school, with ordinary students - the vast majority of whom seemed to spend their time making her life miserable. Perhaps they did so out of sheer boredom, because nothing - absolutely nothing - exciting ever happened in Avalon. Everything was nice, neat, and perfectly predictable. For the first sixteen years, Alexandra’s life was, well, ordinary - which, of course, was precisely the problem.
Okay, yes, there are lots of "ordinarys," but I get what you're doing. You're trying to evoke the same feeling in the paragraph that Alexandra herself would be experiencing in Avalon. Nice thought...just be careful that you don't frustrate your readers with this technique. Most readers won't understand that this is what you're trying to do, and they might not realize your "boring tone" is intentional. Mix it up a little bit.
All of you who are so grumpy about this writer using "ordinary" so many times need to lighten up. The ordinary's are obviously INTENTIONAL. They're supposed to be irritating because Alexandra's situation is irritating. The paragraph isn't laced with amazing metaphors and imagery because Alexandra's life isn't. It fits.
Clean it up, cut the words down and allthat. What's the author left to do?
Either have Alexandra do something altogether different (shades of the addition and Monty Python) or have the world do something extraordinary to her or around her.
She might be the next person to save the world or hold the key to saving the world.
Is it possible that an author wants nothing extraordinary to happen in the novel? Why not. That's a hard novel to write but it has been done. I've read it.
The challenging is making the ordinary life compelling.
anony_eleison: Just because something's intentional doesn't mean it works.
To me, the repetition makes it read like a picture book.
I never said that. I'm just trying to say that not all writing is meant to "feel good" when you first read it. Not everyone can appreciate that. That, and people's definitions of what "works" varies. Different strokes for different folks. Look at Tim's comment. Just a thought.
Just drop some of the "ordinary"s.
I liked all the ordinaries. But I was thinking that if you're going to use that many, you better have a GREAT twist coming up.
Bernita recognizes the passage, or its ancestor, from Our Mutual Friend:
Mr and Mrs Veneering were bran-new people in a bran-new house in a bran-new quarter of London. Everything about the Veneerings was spick and span new. All their furniture was new, all their friends were new, all their servants were new, their plate was new, their carriage was new, their harness was new, their horses were new, their pictures were new, they themselves were new, they were as newly married as was lawfully compatible with their having a bran-new baby.
Please pleasepleasepleasePLEASE do the continuation as a novel, someone. If somebody could keep that deadpan humor up for a whole book, I would love it. I would probably buy it, too.
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