Why you don't get published.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
New Beginning 67
"Why haven't you caught my son's kidnappers yet?"
"We're doing all we can, Ms. Rose, but—"
Sandi slammed her purse down on Detective Wakeland's desk. He jumped. The little act of defiance made her feel better but it didn't get her what she wanted, the kidnappers heads on a platter. "Bullshit. It's been seven months and you haven't come up with anything new, have you? If you'd let me help with the investigation like I wanted, this'd be over by now."
"Aren't you forgetting the little matter of a court order forbidding you to interfere?"
Easy for him to say. He didn't have to suffer through his son's nightmares every night. "Who said anything about interfering? I want to help."
Wakeland had the gall to chuckle. She wanted to punch him in the face. "I don't think getting caught breaking into the houseboat owner's home qualifies as helping."
“What about that roll of duct tape I found?”
“Common on a houseboat. You can fix anything with it.”
“What about the rope I found that exactly matched the fibers found in my son’s wrist?”
“Every houseboat on the lake uses that kind of rope.”
“What about the photographs of the houseboat owner posing with my bound son and holding a knife to his throat?”
“He could’ve come by those honestly.”
Sandi stomped around the little office. It was hard to keep still when your son was safe at home and practically everyone else has put the kidnapping behind them, including the cops.
Wait - her son was safe at home? Then why was she so wrapped around the axle over this? The rage drained from her like oil from a cracked block. Had she forgotten her medication again?
Continuation: Kate Thornton/jtc
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9 comments:
My apologies to the author, but I found the continuation far more compelling than the first 150 words. I was confused at first, not realizing that the child was recovered and home (the reference to the nightmares) and on first read, thought the mother's affect was a little odd.
Maybe begin with her hurt and confusion after getting the court order? That sounds interesting!
Hmmm, I thought maybe just a bit too wordy of a start, tho quite intriquing. I'd read this book since I got a sense that it may involve some paranormal; that the kid wasnt actually home, just sharing nightmares.
(I'm a mom with an occasionally psychic and sometimes psychotic kid, he's a teenager; it's axiomatic)
Well written continuation! Kudos to both Authors
All three authors, actually, as I combined two continuations into one.
Please don't let this be a Maunchausen-by-proxy story.
Liked her making him jump, but a problem for me is since the child is now safe, regardless of psychological trauma, the tension dissolves right there.
Knowing absolutely nothing about the novel, it seems an odd place to start--seven months after a kidnapped boy has been saved. Are you sure this is the beginning? The story may be about catching the guy who did it, or how the family copes with it all (I'm thinking of The Lovely Bones, for instance) but the story still STARTS with the kidnapping.
If you find yourself showing the kidnapping in flashback, then you know you started in the wrong place for sure.
"The rage drained from her like oil from a cracked block."
Brilliant!
One thing that bugs me. Police usually stop looking for kidnapped victims and start looking for dead bodies after about 48 hours. It's been seven months. The chances of her son being alive are pretty slim (psychic visions notwithstanding) and I would expect the detective to address that. Maybe he does further on.
I agree with ljcohen. "He didn't have to suffer through his son's nightmares" is too subtle. On the other hand, knowing the story now, I don't think the premise is bad.
The opening throws me enough that I have to re-read it. On second read, I realize she doesn't say at the opening "Why haven't you found my son?" So that was a hint that he's found, but I missed it. I'm assuming he's still kidnapped and the kidnappers are somewhere in the country with him or something like that. The subtle line about his son's nightmares at first struck me as a typo.
Also, the detective's attitude doesn't feel right to me, but that was when I thought the kid was still missing.
Maybe he says something else and Ms. Rose thinks: "At least he didn't throw that court order in my face this time" indicating that she's been down this path before.
The chuckle seems over the top, at least to me.
Could be a great story, but I think the opening needs to better ground us where the story starts. Hope that makes sense.
John
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