“So you’ll have him then?”
Jo Marchant paused in her ascent to smile wickedly at the heavily pregnant woman holding the step-ladder.
“Have him, Kate? Well now, that depends. Is he worth having?”
Kate lifted a hand off the ladder long enough to slap her friend’s ankle.
“Behave, you! You know what I mean. Will you accommodate him?”
This time, Jo just looked. Kate made a rude noise.
“Oh, you are impossible! Answer the question, girl! Will you or won’t you–” she paused to choose her words with more care “–receive Declan O’Leary into your home as your guest?”
Jo gave the painting she was adjusting a final shove and leapt lightly to the ground before replying.
“Yes, I will. Although– oof! Kate! Gerroff! Not that I don’t love you, you understand, but if you don’t start being more careful with your hugs, we’ll have to register my niece or nephew as a concealed weapon.”
Kate sat down heavily. Her water should break any day now; persuading her sister to have the only obstetrician for miles as a houseguest was a worthwhile precaution.
"It's settled then?" she asked.
"Yes, he may stay at Collinwood. But no funny business. You remember what happened the last time we had guests."
Kate did indeed. But this time, for the sake of the baby, they would curtail their cannibalism--at least until the succulent little darling was old enough to make a tasty stew.
Opening: Imelda Evans.....Continuation: Kate Thornton
17 comments:
Is the reference to Jo March done purposefully? If not, I strongly recommend you change part of the story. Otherwise, anyone who has read Little Women is going to be distracted.
I thought the banter was cute. I'd be curious to learn more about this mystery guest.
ROFL! I LOVE the continuation. hats off to whoever wrote it. Might have to re-write the
Annie - OMG! Actually, no, not intentional, but possibly subconciously so. The characters have some points of similiarity. (Mostly irasibility and pig-headedness.) However, it's probably a distraction I can do without. Would changing her surname fix it, do you think?
thanks for your comment and the kind words - I appreciate you taking the trouble.
I really enjoyed this. Fun. Bright. Engaging. And a bit of intrigue from the get go. Who is Declan? And why does he need accomodation?
I would keep right on reading.
PicAxe
Collinwood! LOL... but someone is showing their age!
I liked this too. Bright, natural dialogue with humour. I'd read on. And yes, the continutation is funny!
Yes, changing her surname would certainly fix the problem. (I meant to say "part of her name" not "part of the story" in my original post.) I like the name Jo a lot and if she has some similar characteristics to Jo March, it's a nice subtle nod to use her first name. But the combination definitely grabbed my attention and distracted me from the story. I was wondering if this was some sort of modern day Little Women adaptation, etc.
Okay, color me confused, I'll admit some ignorance here. Is there some hidden meaning why Kate slaps "her friend's" ankle and by the end of the 150 they appear to be sisters?
I'm guessing it's not an oversight, but I don't get it.
Otherwise, I love the banter and can picture these two very vividly in my mind. Well done.
John
This is fun--the original is actually funnier than the add-on. I'd keep reading.
Hi John (frainstorm)
In the original, they are sisters-in-law. The writer of the follow-on missed the 'friend' reference and only got the 'niece or nephew' one. Easily done.
It becomes clear shortly after this in the real story.
Thanks for the comment! (And to everyone else, too.)
re: friends/sisters
I actually assumed Kate was Jo's sister in law. She never says Kate is her sister, only that the baby she's carrying is her niece or nephew.
It was a little confusing as to which action went with which speaker. The writer needs to put dialogue in the same paragraph as the tag. Like this:
Jo Marchant paused in her ascent to smile wickedly at the heavily pregnant woman holding the step-ladder. “Have him, Kate? Well now, that depends. Is he worth having?”
Kate lifted a hand off the ladder long enough to slap her friend’s ankle. “Behave, you! You know what I mean. Will you accommodate him?”
And now that the dialogue is correctly positioned, it points to another problem--the repetitious rhythm of dialogue/action/dialogue/action/dialogue/action...
Just as you don't want to use the same sentence construction over and over, you also need to vary the pace and flow of conversation. An improvement might be:
“Have him, Kate?" Jo Marchant paused in her ascent to smile wickedly at the heavily pregnant woman holding the step-ladder. "Well now, that depends. Is he worth having?”
Kate lifted a hand off the ladder long enough to slap her friend’s ankle. “Behave, you! You know what I mean. Will you accommodate him?”
And I realize I'm in the minority here in what I'm about to say, but I thought the dialogue sounded forced and silly. The joke of Jo pretending to misunderstand was carried on a little too long. Cutting this segment--
This time, Jo just looked. Kate made a rude noise.
“Oh, you are impossible! Answer the question, girl! Will you or won’t you–” she paused to choose her words with more care “–receive Declan O’Leary into your home as your guest?”
--will help. This in particular seemed put here solely for the purpose of informing the reader.
I agree with Elaine. The joking around really wasn't funny enough to have that much of it, plus, I think real people would just go:
K. "So you'll have him then?"
J. "Is he worth having?"
K. "You're too funny. Seriously, can he stay at your house?"
J. "Sure."
Voila, done.
Also when you're adjusting a picture on the wall, you don't give it a "final shove." Nudge, maybe. Not shove.
No, Elaine, I thought the dialogue was a little stilted, too. For a minute I thought it was supposed to be a historical. As Hawkowl pointed out, the next thing someone would say is "Can he stay at your house?"
Agree with Hawkowl.
It gets coy.
good point about the 'shove'. Thanks hawkowl. And for the other comments.
It seems like the comments are finished. Thanks everyone who contributed, I appreciate the input!
“Have him, Kate?" Jo Marchant paused in her ascent to smile wickedly at the heavily pregnant woman holding the step-ladder. "Well now, that depends. Is he worth having?”
I was convinced she was talking about -having- the baby.
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