Why you don't get published.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
New Beginning 38
Tierra Red
Billows of steam enshrouded the train platform; a gray fog covered the depot, then embraced the cold night air becoming an icy mist—a silent reminder that winter was not ready to quit this high country. The passenger from Compartment 19 shivered in the chill damp as the conductor helped her from the train. Other passengers had met family or friends, then disappeared through the mist.
"Anyone coming to meet you?" asked the conductor.
A shadowy figure emerged from the mist. "Miss Vandermere?"
Uneasy, Lily Vandermere tried to remain calm. All she could see was a tall, husky man draped in a black duster, one of his hands swiftly removing his hat.
"Ah, Mr. Stewart—well, Miss, you couldn't be left in better hands, especially on a night such as this," said the conductor. "Safe journey to you, then."
"Your bags are loaded on the coach, Miss Vandermere. If we are to get to White Oaks on time, we'll need to leave as soon as possible. Been a bit stormy hereabouts lately and we'll be lucky to get there in three days."
"Three days?" Lily flipped her long, auburn tresses pertly over one fur-enshrouded shoulder. "Alone on the journey with you?"
"Fear not for propriety," said the shadowy Stewart. "I shall ride nearby, on horseback."
"Oh, no, please," said Lily, fluttering feather-duster eyelashes. "I could not condemn you to the cold and wet mist while I am warm and dozing in the carriage."
And besides, her inner voice whispered, three days without fresh blood would dry out my dewy complexion beyond bearing.
Opening: KVberg.....Continuation: J.E. Barnard
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14 comments:
A compelling beginning. Evil Editor's addendum makes me wish someone in this story is a vampire.
EE doesn't write the addendums, unless he tires of waiting for a clever one from his minions. To submit a story continuation, visit Evil Editor's Openings (link in sidebar).
Though I will agree that the author should consider keeping the continuation and rewriting the rest of the book around it.
I loved these sorts of books when I was a kid. Even the name Lily Vandermere is spot on.
Your writing has a nice rhythm, take care to break it up a bit. You're on a roll with the first paragraph, just read it aloud to make sure the sentences all sound right.
For instance, ".....that winter was not ready to quit this high country" comes off as awkward. Try breaking the sentence down. "...an icy mist. Winter still had a hold in the high country."
chill damp --change to damp
"mist" --used 3 times. Omit 2.
Perhaps Mr. Stewart emerges from the fog. But instead of describing him as a "shadowy figure" (cliche) I'd describe his physical attributes. Is he tall? Thin? Fit? Fat? Is his coat dark? What sort of fabric is it made of?
Overall, very nice. Thanks for tossing this out here for us mere mongrels, Miss Vandermere.
the name Lily Vandermere sounds oddly familiar; as if I've come across this character before.
Perhaps in Face-Lift #6.
Several of the New Beginnings have been from stories whose queries were critiqued earlier.
A nice Gothic beginning.
Consider Kanani's points, though.
This seems like a good beginning.
One note for you: "Uneasy, Lily Vandermere tried to remain calm." This is a little too much telling.
Perhaps "A man emerged from the fog... Lily Vandermere shivered again." Or something else that shows how she feels.
Good luck with your book!
"Billows of steam enshrouded the train platform; a gray fog covered the depot, then embraced the cold night air becoming an icy mist—a silent reminder that winter was not ready to quit this high country."
Needs a comma after 'air'. I thought 'becoming' was quite a weak word after enshrouded and embraced, which I did like.
This is set in the past? The conductor's dialogue didn't ring true. I also don't understand why Lily is trying to remain calm after the 'Miss Vandermere?' - presumably she's not expecting someone to meet her? If she is, I don't understand why she's nervous at this point. After she's seen him, yes. Not before.
"All she could see was a tall, husky man draped in a black duster, one of his hands swiftly removing his hat."
'Duster' must be American for something I don't know - not a cloth for removing dust?
He's not going to remove his hat with his foot, is he? See below.
"All she could see was a tall, husky man draped in a black duster, swiftly removing his hat."
Enjoyed the first paragraph, but you lost me after that during the interaction.
Thanks, EE, I knew that name was in one of the Face Lifts.
Very misty in that train station, isn't it?
A "duster" is the short name for a Western Long Coat that most cowboys wear to protect themselves from bad weather. It's slit up the back to ride astride a horse.
I don't think this is the sort of book I'd normally read (historical romance?), but I thought the opening line set the scene well. The dialogue rang a bit false to me, but that would probably settle. What bothered me was the fact that Lily isn't named until the third paragraph. Why does she have to start off as 'the passenger from Compartment 19'? I like to see the character's name upfront, unless there's a good reason for hiding it.
There's obviously something happening though, so I'd say you're off to a good start.
Wow, I really thought this rang true, especially the dialog. I really liked "Safe journey to you then." Sounded every bit like a conductor to me.
I'm trying to find something to say, so I'll have to fall all the way to something this trivial: When the conductor says "Ah, Mr. Stewart ..." you might consider attributing it to the conductor right there because I thought that was Lily speaking at first. I know, I know, he says "miss" shortly after that, but I still think it would work better. Read it aloud both ways and decide for yourself.
But I really enjoyed it overall and I'd definitely keep reading. Well done.
For me this could be tighter. A fog becomes a mist? I'm afraid I tripped up right there on the first line, because that just didn't make sense to me. Again 'chilll damp' was too much, given that we know that it's foggy/misty. Then we have other passengers meeting family and friends - then the conductor asks her if anyone is coming to meet her - I feel like I'm being told twice that she is alone, so I'm wondering if the author thinks I'm an idiot, and I'm sorry, I'm closing the book...
I appreciate all of you for your great comments and encouragement. We have been traveling or I would have thanked you sooner.
Tierra Red is set in 1898 -- Territory of New Mexico -- and is a historical romantic mystery. The opening scene takes place in a location that is at an elevation of 7,600 ft. in northern New Mexico.
Lily has traveled alone by train from Philadelphia and knows no one -- has not even met in person the man she is coming to marry.
Thanks again, Evil Editor, for the opportunity to put these opening words out in cyberspace for all the minions. And I loved the vampire bent . . .
Kathy V
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