Face-Lift 771

Guess the Plot

Vampyre Guardian

1. Pasty, brooding Edwin becomes even more melodramatic when his girlfriend Betty develops a too-close-for-comfort relationship with a rather hairy boy named Jeremy. Did I mention this has vampyres and werewolves and I totally did not camp onto the Twilight phenomenon?

2. Marco cares for the kilometer-wide garden surrounding the castle of Countess Alexia who has forsworn blood in favor of devouring the essence of flowers. When the local villagers form a stake-wielding mob, they'll have to get past Marco and his army of award-winning hybrid man-eating roses.

3. Agatha, an angel-obsessed teen, searches for a miracle that will save her dying father. What she finds is Patch, a vampyre who will save her father from his illness--if she promises to help him win back the vampyress of his dreams.

4. Lord Bavlov's life is perfect, he has a swinging bachelor's castle with a sweet party coffin and a bevy of young goth girls begging to be bitten. Yep, it's pretty fang-tastic. But all that changes when Molly, his young light-loving sister dies and Bavlov finds himself entrusted with the care of young Mallory, his six year old niece.

5. High school student Damira is the one person who can stop Vampyre Israith from becoming all-powerful and destroying the world, but to do so she must travel to the mountains of India and kill Israith at midnight on her 18th birthday. Maybe her Vampyre guardian will help. But is it worth missing her birthday party?

6. Gina is tired of being the membership recruitment officer for SPAS--Society for the Preservation of Archaic Spelling--and is thrilled when new member Vlad offers to take over her job. But she can't help feeling concerned when local spelling bees start turning cut-throat . . . literally.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Damira is a seventeen year old girl with a destiny. She must find the Vampyre, Israith, and kill him at midnight on her eighteenth birthday. [If she knows she must do this, I'd call it a mission rather than her destiny. If she doesn't know, why would she even look for Israith?] See, in her world, Vampyres are there to protect their human Charges and Israith broke the most sacred rule of all, he killed his Charge, Illyria.

One day after school, Damira is walking home when she is accidentally hit by a mysterious biker. She finds out his name is Zelimir and he is a Vampyre without a Charge. Aside from the way he sort of creeps her out, she realizes that she’s falling for his charm. [He's sort of like Hannibal Lecter. A charming guy, but you wish he'd kill his victims before eating them.]

Soon, though, she starts having disturbing dreams that predict Zelimir’s death [Are you saying her dreams normally come true?] and she pushes him away for his own safety. [Is she his Charge at this point? Was she already another Vampyre's Charge? How many people have Vampyre guardians?] Of course he doesn’t stay away, enrolling in her school and practically stalking her. [Do all Vampyres whose Charges are in high school enroll, or do some of them just drop their Charges off in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon?] He even saves her life from a would-be assassin Vampyre. [So Vampyres are there to protect their human Charges . . . from Vampyres?] [Bully to wimpy kid: Meet me in the parking lot after school. My Vampyre's gonna beat your Vampyre to a pulp.]

She gives up trying to push him away and they Bind themselves to each other (basically a sharing of blood between the Vampyre and human that creates a psychic link between them).

Things are peaceful then for a few weeks until Damira begins having more visions, but this time they’re of the past, no the future; and in them, Zelimir’s not the good guy. So, Damira tricks him into telling her about his past and what she discovers startles her.

Zelimir was an agent of Israith’s all along! [She knows who Israith is? Does that mean she knows about her destiny to kill him?] This time when she pushes him away, she uses a gun. Later that night, another assassin attacks, a Vampyre named Ivee, and Damira just barely escapes with her life. [These Vampyre assassins really need to find a different line of work.]

She flees to Europe where she is still being stalked and having more ‘memory visions’. She makes it to India before the Vampyre assassins find her again. There, in the middle of a marketplace, Zelimir catches and sedates her and locks her in the trunk of a car going on a one way trip to Israith’s hideout in the mountains. [Does she flee to India because she knows Israith is there, or is it coincidence?]

There, she must battle murderous Vampyres who all await her eighteenth birthday, the day Israith will seal his pact with ancient demons that will grant him incredible and unstoppable power. Can Damira save the world, or will she die trying? [Clearly she will die trying unless she has powers you haven't told us about. How can a 17-year-old girl defeat murderous Vampyres? I don't even see how she escaped from the trunk of the car.]

Vampyre Guardian is a 50,000 word young adult romanticy actionventure [?] and I'm looking for representation. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely


Notes

If Israith becomes all-powerful on Damira's 18th birthday, wouldn't it be better to kill him before her 18th birthday instead of on it?

Humans have Vampyre guardians to protect them from other Vampyres, but I don't see what the Vampyre guardians get out of the arrangement. Do Vampyre guardians drink human blood? Are Vampyres villains to everyone except their Charges?

Why are "Vampyre" and "Charge" capitalized?

The murderous Vampyres seem to know Israith becomes all-powerful on Damira's 18th birthday. Does that mean they also know she is the one destined to kill him? Why would Vampyres chase Damira to India where Israith has his hideout? If they just left her alone in school she'd have been nowhere near him on her 18th birthday. If Israith needs Damira to be present in order to become SuperVampyre, say so.

Why does Israith become SuperVamp on Damira's 18th birthday? Why not on his own x birthday? As it is, your setup is: Israith will become the king of the Vampyres on the day one specific high school girl on the other side of the planet turns eighteen. That's too random. There has to be some link between Damira and Israith.

You have eight paragraphs of plot. That's way too much detail. Cut it to three. A paragraph of setup: Israith will become SuperV if he drinks the blood of his maker's descendant on her 18th birthday. A paragraph about how Demira lands in India, which just happens to be Israith's location, and a paragraph about how she saves the world.

You can leave out Zelimir if it turns out he's a villain. I assume he's the hero, however, so there ought to be something about him being heroic in India, like he battles alongside Demira against the murderous Vampyres.

Cartoon 645

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 752

I don’t really know how I was able to be Zara’s sister. We were different as day and night, light and dark. And, if you were making that comparison… I would be the dark. When Zara bounced into the room with a spring in her step, it was as if the world lightened, just a fraction. Because, really, Zara was light.

Zara was everything that I’m not… brave, outgoing, talkative. When she entered a room, everyone in it hushed up to hear what she had to say. I followed her everywhere she went, like a shadow or a particularly bland piece of wallpaper.

Whenever people saw Zara and me together, they always asked the same question. They didn’t understand how two such different girls could be twins. After all, Zara had curly, golden hair, smooth and sleek no matter what she did with it. I usually put my hair – black, like a raven’s wings – into a braid.

Still, Zara and I were inseparable. I remember Gram joking that we were joined at the hip – and I guess it was true. Zara was bread and butter to me, as necessary as air. The first time we went to school, I cried and cried because the principal put us in different classes. I don’t know if Zara cried, too, but I doubt it. Even in kindergarten, Zara wasn’t that kind of girl.

Hmm? That's nice dear. Now finish your homework.

Zara, put that silly essay away. Mummy saw a delightful little dress at the mall today that would be just darling for you. Come on, hurry now, Daddy's waiting in the car.

Mary-Jane, don't play with the scissors, that's a goo--


Opening: Kelly Fitzpatrick.....Continuation: anon.

The 1st Annual Evil Editor Charity Auction

After seeing how successful the Brenda Novak Auction is, I've decided to have my own auction. I'm starting small, but if this takes off, I'll have more items next year.


EE in Oil.

Self-portrait. As good as the crap you see in places like the Louvre. By the time your kids inherit it, it'll be worth twenty million.

Current Bid: $220,000
Minimum Bid: $230,000
Reserve not met.







An Evaluation of your First Paragraph

by Agent Hannah Rogers. Does not guarantee representation.

Current Bid: $950
Minimum Bid: $1,000
Reserve met.



The Lindbergh Baby

I've had this fellow in my cellar since 1932. He's really become a drain on me, so maybe someone else can take on the responsibility.

Current Bid: $48,000
Minimum Bid: $50,000
Reserve not met.






Evil Editor's "Throne"

It's like giving up an old friend. I've spent so much time sitting here my ass has worn an impression into the seat. Autographed.

Current Bid: $1140
Minimum Bid: $1240
Reserve not met.






The Gulf of Mexico

I shoulda dumped this a while back. It's a fixer-upper, so you can probably get it dirt cheap.

Current Bid: $8,000
Minimum Bid: $9,000
Reserve met.



Frozen Foot of a Hobo

Right foot.

Current Bid: $20
Minimum Bid: $25
Reserve met.







Everything in Evil Editor's Attic Storage Room

Winning bidder will need to bring a truck, boxes and a few workers. Contents of room includes half ton of unopened slush.

Current Bid: $209
Minimum Bid: $219
Reserve met.





An Evaluation of Your First Sentence

by Evil Editor. More manuscripts get rejected after the first sentence than any other sentence. Find out why no one has ever seen your second sentence.

Current Bid: $800
Minimum Bid: $850
Reserve met.

Cartoon 644

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 770

Guess the Plot

The Crane's Beak

1. Tired of all the picky eaters, Aunt Vessa tells her family the first one to guess the secret ingredient in her stew will inherit her fortune.

2. Celia loves and cares for all the delicate wetland creatures, and she'll do whatever it takes to protect them--including committing assault, arson, and eventually a triple homicide.

3. The old Japanese mystic down the street tells Anna that she can save her mother’s life if she folds one thousand paper cranes, but Anna’s trembling hands make it almost impossible to make even the simplest of folds: the crane’s beak.

4. Industrial forensic engineer Kelly McIntire is called in when a freak crane accident kills several workers. McIntire confirms that it was a freak accident--it was caused by a sideshow freak whose nose looks like the beak of a crane.

5. You know how when a shrimp gets plucked from the bottom of a marsh and sees sunlight, he thinks he's in paradise even though he's actually in a crane's beak, about to be eaten alive? That's how Eric feels when he gets to battle enemy agents and save his mommy.

6. People are always wanting elephants' tusks for the ivory, but does anyone care at all about a crane's beak? One doctor discovers that the beak of a crane has cancer-curing properties. But before he can tell the world, he gets trampled by elephants.



Original Version

Dear agent,

While his friends learn the ropes of middle school, Eric McCoy is seeing the world. His mother jets from country to country on business, and he tags along, home schooling in hotel rooms and exploring foreign cities while she’s at work. Exotic cultures and freaky cuisines don’t faze Eric. In Japan his only worry is sneaking a naughty manga past Mom. Well, that and covering up the mini-bar sake bottle he broke, because of course she’d think he chugged it. Which he, like, totally didn’t, okay?

But a chance discovery scrambles Eric’s adolescent universe. For the last twelve years it seems Mom neglected to mention that her boring ol’ consultant job is all a fake. She’s a spy. Eric thrills at sharing her secret life – and unwittingly blows her cover. He may not have his mother’s spy training – or her dirty fighting skills – but Eric sleuths out one little fact she missed: that she’s being lured to her death, thanks to him.

He’s alone. In Japan. He can’t so much as ask directions or read a street sign, Based on a few images I saw after Googling "Tokyo street signs," Eric should be able to read some street signs, as some have English words accompanying those strange pictograms that no one could possibly understand. Also, I'll bet there are plenty of English-speaking people in Tokyo of whom he could ask directions. Contestants on The Amazing Race manage to find English speakers even when they're out in the middle of nowhere.] and even if he spoke perfect Japanese, who would believe his story? His only hope lies in his own brains, guts, and world-traveler savvy as he tracks down his mother through the urban vastness of Tokyo. Then comes the hard part: scrawny twelve-year-old versus desperate enemy agents in a running battle for his mother’s life, and his own.

The Crane’s Beak is 68,000 words and could stand as a single title or could anchor a series in which Eric’s survival hangs on his ability to navigate various cultures. I lived in Japan nine years and learned the language, and I had a blast painting an American kid’s-eye view of that fascinating country. I have included the opening pages below. Thanks for your consideration.

Sincerely,


[Title explanation (not part of query): While reading up on Japan before his trip, Eric comes across a Buddhist parable about a shrimp who gets plucked up from the slimy bottom of a marsh and sees flowers and sunlight. The shrimp thinks he's in paradise, but actually is in a crane's beak about to be eaten. This of course parallels Eric's excitement on entering the world of espionage and then his terror when he and his mother face death. Also, Eric uses a crane, the mechanical kind, to sneak aboard a container ship where his mother is trapped.] [Reading up on Japan is a good idea, but if your guidebook gets into Buddhist parables, you might want a thinner one, especially if you're 12.]



Notes

This is well-written and ought to get some positive responses as is. It's mostly setup, but that doesn't bother me as much in a kids book. Still, if you want to work in something about what happens when Eric takes on the enemy agents (your actual plot), you could reduce the first paragraph to: Eric McCoy is seeing the world. While his mother jets from country to country on business, he tags along, home schooling in hotel rooms and exploring foreign cities when she’s at work. Telling us his friends are learning the ropes of middle school serves no purpose, as you later give us his exact age, and the rest of that paragraph is there for voice, but I think the voice comes across fine without the trivial manga/sake details.

The title seems like what you'd cleverly use if it were literary fiction for adults. Kids are more likely to be drawn to Eric McCoy and the League of Secret Agents or How Eric McCoy saved his Mom (and Tokyo).

Cartoon 643

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 769

Guess the Plot

Beyond the Dreams

1. For generations the women of Tili Aramir's family have been dreamweavers, holding the kingdom together through their all-powerful magic. But what Tili really wants to do is dance...

2. Mazie would have preferred Peter Pan kidnap her than face "Growing Up". When she's kidnaped by Pan (not Peter) she begins to think even reality might be better than monotonous pipe music and running from half-goats.

3. Kimberly is going to be Miss America. She is ONLY Miss Wisconsin right now. As she drives to the Miss America Pageant HQ, she gets into an accident and loses an ear. Surely Miss America can't be one-eared . . . or can she?

4. Axia never dreamed she would one day have her freedom. She thought she'd spend her whole life doing the one thing she knew: fighting to the death. Can this killing machine find love and acceptance outside the gladiator ring?

5. Tara is haunted by dreams of battles between supernatural beings. But when she tries to wake herself up, she becomes caught in a never ending lucid dream war between the giant moth people and the fish with hands.

6. Since he was little, Jojo wanted it all: the big salary, the big house, the big car and the Barbie wife. Now at 40, he finally has it . . . or does he? When the pay cuts come through, the car gets repossessed and his wife runs off with his boss, Jojo needs more than dreams, he needs revenge!


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking your representation for BEYOND THE DREAMS, a completed science-fiction novel of 55,000 words.

Life or death, it’s all part of the show. [If you're gonna start with a one-sentence hook, it's usually better to make it the first sentence of the query. In this case, I'd just drop it, as the next sentence says the same thing, but with specificity.]

In a world where death is entertainment, Axia is meant to die for the pleasure of others. A genetically and physically enhanced gladiator, she has been trained since birth to survive as many fights as possible. [Aren't all gladiators motivated to survive as many fights as possible?] [Also, how do you train someone who was just born to survive fights?] When her master, Malit, betrays her, sending her to an arranged death, the needles and blades implanted in her limbs barely save her. [What's gained by arranging the death of your meal ticket?]

In the wake of the emotional betrayal, several new abilities atypical to her race surface, stemming from dormant genes no one knew she had.

Axia is now illegal in the arena ["Illegal" makes it sound like Axia is a criminal act or a performance-enhancing drug rather than a person. She's barred/banned from the arena.] and could cause Malit’s death as well as her own if discovered. [If discovered doing what? Fighting in the arena? Why would Malit risk death by sending a banned gladiator into the arena? Besides, wouldn't she be recognized?] Malit doesn't know who tampered with Axia's genes and only has one solution; one she never even dreamed was possible: he will set her free. [What is this the only solution to? Can't he just make her his bodyguard or mistress or laundress?]

Away from the arena and from calculated death, Axia learns about the world. Love and acceptance help her deal with emotions she had been taught to repress.

But her freedom is short-lived. Her creator comes after her, wanting to revive the illegal project to which she is the key; and in the outside world, she is fair game. [I'd rather be fair game in the outside world than literal game in the gladiator ring.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

It seems to me that Axia's creator and his project are the main plot, but they're barely mentioned. You could condense most of your summary to: On a world where death is entertainment, Axia has survived the gladiator arena and been granted her freedom. That leaves lots of room to tell us about the real plot.

If it's legal to genetically and physically enhance gladiators, why is Axia banned? It's like making steroids legal in the Olympics, and then blackballing anyone who uses them.

It could be argued that fighting, not death, is the entertainment. Otherwise, why spend so much time training people to survive? Just kill 'em.

Didn't her creator know she had these dormant genes? I ask only because you said no one knew.

If Axia's the key to her creator's project, how did Malit get her?

Are deaths in the arena really "arranged" and "calculated"? This makes me think they're rigged, but it would be hard to get a gladiator to throw a fight in which the loser dies.

Cartoon 642

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 751

Memories - one of the few things no one can take from you. Sometimes you wish someone would. And yet, the best way to get over memories is to acquire more memories.

Stepping from these pages, subtlety still intact...or not...

Often it's not the story but who you were, how you were, during it - and we can all become someone else quicker than we'd like to admit. Some persona last months, some last hours. A song heard while grocery shopping can sink one into certain melancholia while a well-timed surprise gift can give one the confidence to face whatever comes for a week. But when it's not what happened but how it felt when it happened - that's what makes the difference. For example: once I spent a over a week in Cancun with two of my cousins and that was fantastic and once You and I spent an early spring Friday night in a park for a couple of hours. I can still feel the mud swishing beneath my feet while You and I sat on the swings talking...

But enough of that. We move on. The world, it moves on. I'm ready for new memories, more memories, bigger memories. We had our good time. You were with me when I needed you, always . But now I have to let you go, and take everything you know of me. It's the end for us. Forget about me, my old friend: The 64Gb iPhone just came out and I simply can't be seen with an old Motorola Razr anymore...


Opening: Kstyrose.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 641

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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In memoriam

Word has reached me of the passing of minion Bevie James.

I can think of no better sendoff than his own words:


PirateSpeak Sermon 1

“Gar, I be in charge of this voyage now, and ye be bowing ye heads now as a token of respect for our good friend and matey who be taken now by the sawbones, until he return to reclaim his place amongst the noble and fine, such as you are.

“So what have ye then? What manner of swabs be ye that come to hear the words which will spare ye from the tempest to come? Be ye the salt of the sea, or not? For knowest ye not that should ye lose the salt, ye be no better than a scurvy wretch laying in the bilge. Ye shall be cast adrift into the sea.

“So take ye heed to the swells which the sea rages against all sailors, fair and foul alike. Have the courage to climb the mast, untie the sheets and let your sails billow in the wind. For ahead is the course and behind only water. For the Captain of All does cover our misdeeds as the sea covers its dead. He marks the course, but ye must navigate it at the wheel. Keep your hand steady that ye may steer a true course through the channel, else ye be washed up against the rocks and dashed asunder by the sea’s angry fury. For the sea is not concerned about neither rocks nor shore. The sea is forever, and we must abide it as best we can. When the tide be high we sail fine and true, but when the tide be low, the rocks threaten the hull, and the shoals to stay the voyage.

“There be no assurance save to trust in the Captain. So man the decks and heed the orders. Our course is set.

“And now, it be time to collect the treasure.”

--Bevie


Type "Bevie" into the blog search feature for a few more of Bevie's contributions. His earlier contributions can be found by searching "BBJD." Fairyhedgehog has more information.

Face-Lift 768

Guess the Plot

Spirit Hill

1. Jed Martenson has always denied being a problem drinker, but when his pile of empty Jack Daniels bottles gets included on a map of Tennessee as a geographical feature, his family have to stage an intervention.

2. Spirit Hill's father told her she was named for the area where he proposed to her mother. He failed to tell her he promised the spirits his first born child if her mother said yes.

3. After her first child dies, Rebecca faces an uphill spiritual battle. And so does her husband Gus after Rebecca decides she'll have no more children, and ensures it by cutting Gus off for good.

4. For all of Billie's eighteen years, her mum has been trading "spiritual consolation" to Reverend Willie for gallon jugs of communion wine. Now Reverend Willie has his eye on Billie. Can she string him along long enough to get her Spirit Hill Wine business on its feet?

5. In the town of Spirit Hill, a teenage girl is unwittingly involved in a series of bank robberies and a dog grooming scam. When her parents discover she’s not been to school for three months, they file a lawsuit . . . against the school! Hilarity ensues.

6. Spirit Hill got her name from her granola-munching parents, and her necromantic ability from a two-timing gypsy. When zombies come looking for organic brains, can she save her beloved commune?


Original Version

Your Evilness:

In the spring of 1938 a baby boy dies on a remote farm in the drought-stricken province of Saskatchewan. His father, Gus, immerses himself in his daily chores, avoiding thoughts of his son's death and the part he played in it. [Namely, he caused it.] [But then, in 1938 Saskatchewan, what are you supposed to do for entertainment besides juggling babies and chainsaws.] The mother, Rebecca, loses the will to leave her bed. [I, too, have lost the will to leave my bed. That's why I've completely surrounded it with vending machines.] She wonders how Gus could walk away from the grave and back into a life that continues as usual. She can't bear to be touched, not emotionally, not physically. [If his wife never leaves her bed and can't stand to be touched, it doesn't sound like Gus has walked back into a life that continues as usual.] She swears an unspoken vow: no more babies. .As their marriage begins to crumble, and it seems the farm will fail, Gus devises a plan that might be their salvation if his wife and Fate will cooperate. [Apparently we're supposed to guess what the plan is. Let's see, it must be one of the following:

1. Drive the tractor to Saskatoon, sell it for $1000, and spend the money stocking up on Molson Golden.
2. Win the Canadian lottery (That's the part where this Fate character needs to cooperate.) and join a co-ed curling league.
3. Switch from wheat, barley and canola to poppies, coca, and hockey pucks.]

My literary novel, SPIRIT HILL, is complete at 65,000 words. I've published three short stories. Recently, I earned a post-graduate certificate in Creative Writing from the Humber School for the Creative Arts in Toronto, Canada.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours


Notes

I once told a writing class, "If your story is unbearably depressing, one way to lighten it up is to set it in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan." Is this set in Moose Jaw?

Crumbling marriages, gut-wrenching deaths, unendurable depression, and farming in deserts are standard fare in litfic. It's Gus's wacky plan to escape it all that sets this apart, at least until the plan fails miserably, the barn burns down and Becky commits suicide. What's the plan?

Cartoon 640

Caption: Anon.

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Success Story

Bernita Harris reports that her paranormal suspense novel Dark and Disorderly will be released the week of June 28 by Carina Press, Harlequin's new e-pub imprint.

Bernita credits her success to the Evil Minions' input on crucial scenes that appeared in the following writing exercises:

Fight scene 12
Dialogue C
First Meeting 8
Death Scenes (#7)

New Beginning 750

Captain Sevante was studying the makeshift game board when her adversary harped: “Check- mate!”

He laughed with victorious abandon. “Take that, cap’n!” Alden said. He cracked his knuckles in a satisfied manner and then hooked his hands behind his head. It was early afternoon and the sloop’s sails were filled with a balmy breeze that gave the crew ample time to dally.

Idalia de Sevante scowled. “Aw, Drega’s mercy! I hate this game.” She hunched over the game board and pushed back a lock of blood-red hair, poring over the pieces in an attempt to decipher where she had gone wrong.

The boatswain chuckled. “Nah, cap’n. You’ve greater strategy than any I know, but on the seas only. You’re too impatient for a battle of this sort. It takes patience!” he exalted smugly.

Idalia sat back on her heels and rolled her eyes. “Curses. Keep your patience to the grave!”

"Another game, Cap'n?" Alden asked.

"Why not? But first let me get that mosquito off o' your nose afore it sucks out all o' yer blood."

Quick as a flash, Captain Sevante swatted at the parasite. The gleaming point of her hook rammed home into Alden's eyeball and pierced his brain.

"Check, matey!" Idalia shouted as the boatswain toppled to the deck. "Get to yer posts, the rest o' ye -- no time fer patience when there's sailin' to be done!"


Opening: Karina.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 639

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 767

Guess the Plot

The Drifter

1. You know the story about the lonely drifter, who travels the world helping people before wandering off again and how he's always an angel in disguise? Well, this book isn't about that guy.

2. He rides into town on his Harley, looking for a cold beer and a heart to break. Jennifer Lee knows he's the wrong kind of man for her, but she has to have him, mostly because her father would hate him. He is . . . The Drifter.

3. After Romeo hits Pip with his motorcycle, they fall in love. But when Romeo's father finds out Pip is a drifter, the lovers are forced to run away together. What will happen when Pip, who has been cursed with the ability of knowing when people are going to die, realizes that Romeo has one hour to live?

4. A Mediterranean cruise sounded like a romantic anniversary gift. The first few days were fun--until John Madison made the mistake of agreeing that his wife's ass looked fat in that new blue dress. At least she put a life vest on him before throwing him overboard.

5. When a wave washes drifter Brandon Roy onto a remote stretch of shore, he finds he has trespassed upon a secret kingdom of beings who will let him live only if he can prove his love for earth, wind, and sea. And telling them he saw Avatar twice isn't gonna cut it.

6. The renowned bounty hunter, Lagoon, apprehends escaped mutants on the planet Noose while searching for his father's killer, a being known only as . . . The Drifter.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

For sixteen-year-old Pip, knowing everyone’s time of death is growing tiresome. Especially when she can’t stop it. [Can't stop knowing or can't stop the dying?] [Does she know how the people die, or just the date and time?] However When a boy named Romeo hits her with his motorcycle she suddenly loses her curse. [Problem solved. That was easy.]

Her past a blur [Why?] and her curse gone, Pip finally sees how it is to be normal and to fall in love. But when Romeo’s father discovers she is a drifter, she is forced to run, Romeo by her side after his father’s last warning. [I don't see why someone would be forced to run just because someone found out she was a drifter. Is there a law against drifting?] [Also, why would Dad feel the need to drive a drifter away? Drifters, by definition, can be counted on to drift away.] Yet Pip’s recurring hallucinations of the dead keep coming [Keep coming? I thought they stopped.] and she is desperate to tell Romeo of her lost curse. [So Pip's hallucinations of the dead are a separate curse from her ability to know the time of people's death? Does she just see dead people, or does she see how they die? If you know how and when someone's gonna die, you ought to be able to prevent some of the deaths.] Except he would never believe her. Until the night they plan their escape, [I thought they escaped a few sentences ago.] her curse returns...and Romeo has only one hour left to live. [At least he'll finally believe her--in about an hour.]

I’m seeking representation for THE DRIFTER, a 55,000-word paranormal romance novel for young adults. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If it's a take on Romeo and Juliet, what's with the name Pip?

I want a clearer description of Pip's curse and what she hallucinates. In fact, the whole plot description needs more clarity. Almost every sentence prompts a question that doesn't get answered.

Wouldn't it be better if Pip had the curse the whole time instead of conveniently losing it to advance the plot and regaining it as soon as the plot requires her to have it? When she loses her curse she still has hallucinations of the dead, which I imagine would be even more disconcerting than just knowing when people are gonna die.

She knows "everyone's" time of death? Everyone in the world? Like, if she sees some guy, does she know he's going to die April 7th, 2056? Does she have to see the person, or does she know when people in Mongolia are gonna die?

Evil Editor: When's that guy gonna die?
Pip: July 9th, 2062, 9 PM.
Evil Editor (shooting the guy in the head): Wrong again. What about that guy?

Cartoon 638

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 766

Guess the Plot

Friends with Death

1. When Death showed up at Mary Kate's high school, he didn't expect to fall in love with her. But now that he has, can he convince this seventeen-year-old hottie to enter a romantic relationship, or will she insist that she wants to just be . . . Friends with Death?

2. Jake thought he and Diana were "friends with benefits" but didn't realize until too late that she had an axe to grind...literally. How long can Diana's killing spree continue before someone realizes this petite Comparative Literature major is a serial killer?

3. Zachery Vanderbilt has built his Harvard rep on being the best friend who helps you hide the body, no questions asked. But when his frat brothers start calling him 'Bridesmaid of Death' he decides it's time to step up his game. Which of his former best friends will be the first to make friends with Death himself?

4. Death wants to go roller blading. Arnie wants to watch a movie. Arnie always gives in to what the Grim Reaper wants, for obvious reasons...and because Death's such a passive-aggressive nit. But when Death falls into a bad crowd that involves leather jackets, cigarettes and drag racing, can Arnie save Death from himself?

5. When you're an immortal wizard, chances are pretty good you're going to have some strange friends. And when the skeletal dude at your poker table says he's the universal god of death, you're going to believe him. You just hope the stakes aren't your life, and that he's a lightweight when it comes to whiskey.

6. Mark and Aggie have been friends with benefits for a long time. But when Mark wants to bring the relationship to the next level, Aggie can think of only one way to stop the awkward conversations. Eliminate him.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Seventeen-year-old Mary Kate Stewart can see when people are about to die. [It's one of the advantages of working in a hospice.]

When the charismatic Death shows up at her high school and forces this strange ability onto her, she's horrified. But ignoring Death and the dying isn't doing anybody any good - he still pops in for chats about human emotion and the lines to the Afterlife aren't getting any shorter. So Mary Kate decides to use the curse as it was intended - a gift.

Stalking her classmates and strangers at the mall, Mary Kate learns what their dying wish would be if they knew that they were dying. [It seems to me that the number of students at one high school who are about to die wouldn't be high enough to keep MK busy. Unless it's one of those schools where they require everyone to eat the cafeteria food.] From skydiving to adventures in online dating, Mary Kate tricks the almost-dead into living the last moments of their lives to the fullest. [Tricking someone into putting on a parachute is easy; you just tell her it's the latest fashion fad. Tricking her into jumping out of an airplane with no training is the hard part.] It doesn't take long before Death finds himself charmed by her positive outlook on life. But falling in love with a mortal is against the rules.

Determined to stop it, Death's brother Zachariah plays matchmaker and introduces Mary Kate to Cary, a human who can see what she sees. When Mary Kate develops feelings for Cary, she's devastated to see his black aura one morning, signaling his impeding [impending] demise. When Death gives her a choice: lose the guy or lose the gift, Mary Kate can't help but wonder if Death wants to be more than just friends.

FRIENDS WITH DEATH is an urban fantasy that explores common young adult questions surrounding the afterlife, bucket lists, and who dies and who gets to live. Complete at 60,000 words, I'd be more than happy to send you the manuscript upon your request.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work

Sincerely,


Notes

Because MK is horrified by her ability, and considers it a curse, her choice doesn't seem that hard. If you stress that she's thrilled to be doing so much good rather than that she's making the best of a bad thing, her conflict might be more obvious.

You need to close with MK's choice, which is a serious conflict, not with MK wondering if Death wants to be more than friends, which is a much lighter matter--and we already know the answer anyway.

The number of high schools in the US is greater than the number of high school students who die in the US in a given year. Thus, stalking her classmates isn't gonna get MK much action.

Does Death dress in the traditional hooded floor-length cloak? Can everyone see him?

Does MK see how the people who are about to die die? If not, it would be cool if she saw that someone was about to die and tricked him into skydiving, and it turned out the death she'd foreseen was caused by his parachute not opening.

Most high school student deaths are accidents or murders, which means they don't have time to reflect that even though they're dying young, at least they got to skydive. It also means their deaths might be preventable if MK would just warn them to be extra careful instead of tricking them into jumping out of airplanes. After all, if MK's ability was intended as a gift, who's to say the gift isn't to be used to save lives?

Cartoon 637

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Writing Exercise

You board a roller coaster at your favorite amusement park, only to find the guy who's squeezing into the seat next to you is Evil Editor. Better finish your roller coaster pitch before the ride reaches the top of the first hill, because after that the screaming will drown out everything either one of you says.

300 words max.

Deadline: Sunday, 10 AM eastern.

New Beginning 749

Leah wasn’t used to cities. Her eyes and ears and mind were stuffed with people. Inside the bus station a man discussed his newspaper with an invisible friend and a woman repeated to her (visible) husband, “So the average on the quiz is eighty and you got forty-six. I mean, dear, even for you...”. Outside a man chased a hat which rolled away on its shiny stiff brim. A woman with a red head-scarf walked in the other direction, mahogany-skinned children jostling around her knees. Her face was set, weary, but her hands moved constantly, grasping the arm of a girl on the verge of wandering off, caressing the head of a crying boy, resting briefly on the dusky back of the creature that slipped between them, quieting the boy and arresting the girl by its presence although they weren’t looking at it.

Leah didn’t look at it either until the family had passed. Then it stuck in her awareness. She shut her eyes, holding its image: arched silver-black neck, swirling shadow of mane and tail, liquid dark eye...Had she really seen the horn?

Not that she could ask anyone. They gabbled away in their strange language while people appeared and disappeared and strange creatures slinked between them and the sunlight pulsed with strange colors, and why couldn't she get that song out of her head?

No, Leah wasn't a good traveler. Her first day here, after a breakfast of coffee and a couple of brownies, and Amsterdam was turning out to be the strangest place she'd ever been.


Opening: Joanna Hoyt.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 636

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 765

Guess the Plot

Heartsouls

1. When people of different races "intermingle" their bond is called heartsouls. They can then do magic, which is illegal, but very tempting if you're not at the top of the food chain.

2. Heartsouls, brainaether, stomachbile. . . René feels he's just one step from understanding reductionism. Can he figure it out before the other rationalists laugh at him?

3. Once a generation, two fae are born with identical hearts but switched souls. To survive, they must meet, marry and have children. But what happens when both are born male?

4. A confused cardiac surgeon transplants his patients' souls with disastrous yet hilarious results.

5. A teacher snaps when his students plunk out the only tune they know on the piano for the kazillionth time and orders his pet demon to steal their hearts and their souls.

6. Anna and Daryn are, like, meant to be one soul! But Anna's dad is so a monster, and Daryn's not going to get the girl until he he gets a level 45 mace of doom.


Original Version

Dear EE:

Over the last thousand years, the people of Maore divided their society [The Maore are widely considered the most lethargic people in the galaxy.] and in the process turned their backs on magic. The races, Argent and Silver, that the Spirits meant to be joined, split, and magic died. Now two people have the chance to bring about change.

Marguerite Navarre is an Argent, part of the elite race of Maore. Marguerite finds life at the top of the food chain to be filled with [sharks, and just below them,] smug, boring people and endless lectures on duty. Then her home compound is attacked and any Argents found are killed [and eaten, demonstrating that life at the bottom of the food chain isn't so great either.] including her parents. Marguerite flees for her life and is rescued by young men of the subservient race of Silvers. [Where are the Silvers, food chain-wise?]

Although prevented by law and custom from associating with Argents, these Silvers do not follow the rules. They agree to help her get to the capital to warn the Empereur. To one of the young men, Marguerite is both drawn and repelled. [Drawn to, repelled by.] He is her opposite in every way, from his enormous confidence [Women are always drawn to a man with enormous confidence. Which explains why I keep getting emails promising to enlarge my confidence.] to his complete lack of scruples. He cannot be honest about his age- let alone his motives. [How does she know he's not being honest?

How old are you?
Twenty-two.
Lying bastard!!]

As the killing of Argents continues, [Who is killing them? Are you sure the Argents are at the top of the food chain?] [You already said any Argents found in the compound were killed. Are they now being killed beyond the compound? What exactly is a compound? By its most common definition, I would expect the subservient race to be kept in a compound.] Marguerite’s unprecedented relationship with the Silver [It's not unprecedented; the races intermingled before they split.] has caused them to develop magic. A magic of fire and air, that only works when a Silver and an Argent form a bond called heartsouls. [If the relationship is the bond, then you're basically saying Forming a bond has caused them to develop magic that only works when they form a bond. Which is somewhat repetitive.]

Now Marguerite is confronted with a choice, slink back to her old life, ignoring duty and her new friends, or become a weapon to stop those responsible for murdering the Argents. To do this, Marguerite must face the anger of her fellow Argents [You can't spell Argent without anger.] and trust the charming Silver with whom she’s bonded, despite the ease with which he lies. [If you name him you won't have to keep referring to him as "the Silver."]

Heartsouls is an epic fantasy with strong elements of romance complete at 140,000 words. It is the first of a series, with the second well on its way.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.


Notes

If I understand your message correctly, you're saying the French are superior to the Americans, but not as superior as they think they are.

You claim silver and argent are the races, but later say that argent is part of the elite race. What are the other parts?

You say one of Marguerite's choices is to slink back to her old life. How can she do that when all the Argents in her compound have been murdered?

What exactly is magic? What can you do if you have magic of fire and air? If magic is really powerful, I find it hard to believe no one's been tempted to bond and use it for centuries.

Maore is an actual place on Earth. Is your Maore a planet? Country? Maore also sounds a lot like Maori.

Cartoon 635

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 748

Indigo selected seeds carefully from a large red paint chipped barrel in the farmer’s pantry. A few dropped from his fingers. He bent down to retrieve them. With his the tip of his nose a short distance to the earthen floor, he noticed that a variety of little seedlings had already sprung out of the ground where they fell. As it didn’t seem to matter, he left them all free to germinate. He mused that they might even enjoy a short but prosperous life before inevitably, Farmer Eldrich’s boots trampled them.

Dull and brutal were the words Indigo would use to describe his first few weeks of contracted labor where the sheep outnumbered the men and the jokes about sheep outnumbered decent jokes. At fourteen years old, he had been sent to the countryside, because it was the regional custom and because sore muscles and dirty hands would help him appreciate what he had back home. At least, that’s what his mother said.

Four days each moon cycle free for rest, relaxation, and prayer.

The words hastily scrawled on his contract a month ago, by a professional contract writer, now inspired deep gratitude in Indigo, who could hardly move for stiffness. Luckily, the old farmer was as honest and generous as he was abrasive and crude. When the day arrived for Indigo’s respite, Eldrich led the young man out to the stable, handled him a sturdy but desperately unstylish jacket and set a pack containing a plain meal from Mrs. Eldrich over top of what Indigo knew was his best horse. Then, he patted her and said, “Yep.” The farmer tromped away, because that statement well, explained everything.

Still, time away from the farm ended all too quickly, and the reality of Indigo's miserable situation settled heavily on him. There was no denying the obvious. And that made Indigo blue.


Opening: Carrie E. Bailey.....Continuation: Sean

Cartoon 634

Caption: Stephen Prosapio

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Face-Lift 764

Guess the Plot

The Shaman's Curse

1. Green eyebrows. Kitten trees. Cars that only run backwards. Henry Toppis is starting to think maybe that "Indian Shaman" at the Keokuk County Fair wasn't a fake after all.

2. Felix the Shaman is really a great guy: nice hair, nice teeth, and a nice personality to boot. There's just one problem: he can't actually do anything resembling magic.

3. When porn actor Peter Bilt is transformed into a horse, he is forced to explore the seedy underworld of his industry to make a living.

4. Lasair awakens in a parallel world of magic and supernatural beings, and enrolls in Badness Castle Academy. Her future looks grim--unless she can find an ancient shaman to lead her to salvation.

5. Nan To comes from a line of great Shamans but he has a problem. His stutter makes communication with the spirit world difficult, with often hilarious results. Can Nan To overcome . . . The Shaman's Curse?

6. Khiron, a barbarian king, has conquered the neighboring kingdoms--all but Joctanauga, home of a powerful shaman. Hey, it's hard enough fighting with swords without having to deal with this magic crap.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

The cider is mulling, the snow is snowing, and your home is invaded by a horde of cloaked and masked killers. [They're Romulans. The Romulans are known for their cloaking devices.] [Based on the dictionary definition, it isn't the cider that's mulling, it's the cook who's mulling--mulling the cider. As for the snow snowing, the reason you seldom hear the weatherman say the rain is raining, the sun is sunning, or the moon is mooning is because other verbs can add information. Snow can be swirling or driving or piling up, like wood chips under an electric lathe. Or falling. None of which matters, because this listing of things that are happening, the last of which dwarfs the others in magnitude, is fine if you're trying to be amusing, but having looked ahead and seen that this isn't comedy, I think we should dump the cider and the snow. It's one thing to set the scene for the entrance of the murderous horde in the book, but in the query we can get to the horde immediately.] They murder your mother in a way you couldn’t imagine. [Does it involve an electric lathe?] You’re pretty sure you’re next. [Wait a minute; is this book about me?] What would you do? What will seventeen-year-old Lasair Drake do?

Abducted and abandoned by the horde, ["Horde" was okay once, to tell us there were lots of them, but after that we should call them intruders or killers. Or Romulans.

Horde member 1: Tell me again why we abducted this kid instead of killing her in a way she couldn't imagine?

Horde member 2: You're asking me? Let's drop her off at the next orphanage.]

Lasair awakens in a hospital, in a parallel world called The Mystic Tier, which is home to magic users and other supernatural beings. [We know from the title that this is fantasy, but you haven't mentioned the title in the letter, so you might want to open with your title/genre, as the genre is obvious only to those who know that in reality, killers don't wear cloaks.] Her Healer, Deacon Nox, has been charged with her care and enrols [sp.] Lasair at his alma mater, Badness Castle Academy. [Everyone older than eight just rolled their eyes.] Here, she finds herself in the midst of a centuries old mystery--an adventure filled with secrets, lies, ghosts and dreams, linking the castle’s dark history to her present and her mother’s murder.

Together with her new friends, and enigmatic Professor Vesperus Vermillion, Lasair comes to learn the deeper truth of why she was abducted and the grim future ahead of her. A link to an ancient Shaman and a barbaric warlord could either be her salvation or her demise.

The Shaman’s Curse is a 368 page fantasy/mystery novel that may appeal to both young adult and mature readers. I’ve enjoyed writing as a personal hobby for nearly ten years now, and have been published by Global Publishing Central and Grey Inspirations, both partners of Helium.com. This is my first novel.

I hope the novel, The Shaman’s Curse is of interest to you, and wish to thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Enclosed are the first thirteen pages (to the end of the first chapter) and a self addressed stamped envelope for ease of your reply.

Sincerely,


[The title comes from the prologue, which shows how, five hundred years before Lasair was born, her father, Lord Badness conquered and exterminated the Selk people. After the Shaman had been forced to watch his kinsmen die, he cursed Lord Badness, that he would know no pleasure in his victories, and one day, his own progeny would smite him.]


Notes

Lasair gets abducted and awakens in another world. That's the setup. Unfortunately, everything after that, which is the main plot, is vague. By getting the cider and snow and Evil Editor out of paragraph 1 (and cutting much of the last two paragraphs) we open up room for specifics about the mystery and the secrets and the deeper truth and maybe even the shaman's curse.

Naming a villain "Lord Badness" is going to make readers think you were too lazy to think up a name.

Cartoon 633

Caption: Evil Editor

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

The Brenda Novak Auction . . .

. . . began a few hours ago. Here's the auction site. It runs throughout the month of May, with most auctions ending at the end of the month, but also with one-day auctions each day. Help in the fight against diabetes by bidding on vacations, books, and the chance to have agents, editors and authors evaluate your work. Below are Evil Editor's offerings.

		Your book (up to 100,000 words) edited by Evil Editor
		Editing Job on the First 10,000 Words of a Novel by EVIL EDITOR (One-day auction, May 29)
		YOUR BOOK Featured in an EVIL EDITOR FILM
		The Evil Editor Cartoon DVD, signed.
		Novel Deviations, Volumes 1, 2 and 3, signed by Evil Editor
		Why You Don't Get Published, Volumes 1 and 2, signed by Evil Editor
		YOUR BOOK Discussed in Evil Editor's August Book Chat