Face-Lift 294

Guess the Plot

The Horses of Roan

1. As hordes of rowdies march toward Roan Castle, Minnie Murphy grabs her wedding dress, jumps on the nearest horse, and starts a thundering stampede. The villains run away! Minnie saved the day! Then she finds a priest and her cowering beau, Sir Falderall! It's City Slickers meets Camelot as the wedding goes on as planned!

2. When musician James Morgan inadvertently releases the Horses of Roan, a man/horse demon gives him two weeks to get them back. But how? Can Morgan's music charm these savage beasts out of the swamp? It's Amadeus meets The Horse Whisperer, as Morgan races to round up the herd.

3. Professor Jones leaves more than a tip behind for busboy, Cole Wyatt. Stuck between chili smeared napkins, Cole finds a copy of a map and the Professor's notes, notes that describe the treasures of the "Horses of Roan." It's Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Diner as Cole seeks the road out of greasy spoon hell.

4. While the Knights of Roan get drunk on rum at the Roan Tavern, their enemies, the Knights of Naor, steal all the horses. Now what? Must King Roannaor cancel the jousting match? It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail meets Marie Antoinette, as Queen Naorroan says, "Let them joust on foot!"

5. Baz, lead stud of the Horses of Roan frat house, is organizing the annual ugliest-date orgy. When he mistakenly invites the Bitches of Eastwick sorority instead of the Coyotes of Camden, the mighty Horses end up toadying to the man-hating B's. It's Animal House meets The Wicker Man as Baz tries to de-frog the football team before those Bitches finally succeed in gelding the Horses of Roan for eternity.

6. Joey McDeever, son of a rodeo cowboy deadbeat dad, sees the Lippizaner stallions on TV and realizes his calling is to train horses for such grace and beauty. But all he's got is two worn-out, brownish nags. It's Seabiscuit meets Kramer vs Kramer as he trains the horses into champions, only to have his father return to fight for custody.


Original Version

Dear Slightly Less Evil Editor,

My name is Roan.
People think like this: right and wrong. Black or white.
I think in terms of mine and not mine.
These horses are mine.
They will be forever.

[That was remarkably similar to a curse I uttered only yesterday:

My name is Evil Editor.
People think like this: brilliant bestseller. Millionaire.
I think, More manuscripts rejected = fewer manuscripts to edit.
The slushpile is unpublished.
It will be forever.]

When brilliant musician James Morgan moves with his parents to the home of his eccentric dead uncle, [Being dead is the first sign of eccentricity.] he uncovers secret upon secret in its maze of halls. By playing an ancient piece of music he discovers deep within the house, James inadvertently releases the Horses of Roan, a herd of preternatural water horses, and steps into the curse that accompanies them.

Roan – man, horse, demon – charges James with a task: return the horses in two weeks or join them. [Where are the horses? Were they released from an incorporeal state, and are now roaming free? Join them? That sounds like a threat: join them as incorporeal, cursed creatures? Or join them wherever they've been released to? This could be made more clear.] With the help of his new friend Cat and his increasingly powerful psychic perceptions, [Whose psychic perceptions? We can't tell whether "his" goes with Cat or James without knowing whether Cat is the same gender as Cat Stevens or Catwoman.] James must unravel the musical contract that binds Roan's horses to him before the curse destroys him and everyone dear to him.

Set against the wild marshlands of eastern Virginia, The Horses of Roan is an eerie novel geared towards a young adult audience. It is complete at approximately 65,000 words.

May I send you the complete manuscript for consideration? This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you very much for your time.


Notes

I feel like I have to guess at the plot details. Here's one guess: Some demon named Roan with magical powers declared that a herd of (roan-colored?) horses would be his forever. The horses have been trapped in the Phantom Zone ever since, but when James plays his bassoon, the horses rematerialize and run into the Virginia swamps. This ticks Roan off to no end, but being a fair-minded demon, he gives James two weeks to round up the horses. Otherwise, he'll kill James and throw his body into the swamps with the horses. How'd I do?

One could get the impression from the title that the horses are Roan's. Is it so wrong to want your horses back after some klutz accidentally releases them? In the old west, if you released some rancher's horses into the wild, you didn't get two weeks to return them; they strung you up. Outside of the term "man, horse, demon," there's nothing that indicates Roan is a villain.

Is that the curse at the beginning? Not clear how that curse threatens to destroy everyone dear to James.

I think just a few more sentences would clear things up.

New Beginning 239

The day showed no sings of improving. By the time she got to the restaurant, after chasing him all over the city for the better part of the afternoon, Tera was grumpy and hot. Her hair stuck to her sweaty forehead and her feet swelled and burned in her sister's too-small shoes.

"Gods know you could use all the help you can get, Tera. Your legs are decent, at least. You just need some real shoes."

Some people had a gift for giving kind advice. Her sister Lexie was not one of them.

Tera minced her way into the cool, dark interior of one of Miami's most exclusive restaurants, pretending she was ready to meet a demon she didn't know and order him around on behalf of her employers.

High heels, hell. She should have worn a suit of armor.

“One moment.” The maitre d’s casually outstretched arm stopped Tera short. “Do you have a reservation?”

“Ah -- yes. No. Yes. I’m meeting with Mr. Abaddon.”

“Really?” He looked Tera up and down, and she imagined how she must look after hustling across town. She dabbed at her forehead with a tissue. “This way,” he said.

Abaddon sat in a corner booth, a stained serviette tucked into his collar and a half-eaten entrée in front of him. “Please, sit down.” His voice trickled like warm chocolate. “Shrimp Fra Diavolo,” he said, holding up his loaded fork. “Delightful.”

Tera slid into the booth.

The demon put down his fork, chewed thoughtfully, and swallowed. “Delightful,” he repeated as his gaze invaded her. He could kill her with a thought, she knew. “We'll get down to business in a moment," he said. "But first, a bit of advice, if I may . . . ?”

Tera wasn’t sure she wanted more advice today, and certainly not from Abaddon.

“Those Jimmy Choos are exquisite, of course," he said, "and they’re almost your size; but you really shouldn’t wear open toes with your feet.”


Opening: December Quinn.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 293

Guess the Plot

The Miracle

1. Phyllis Jablonski drives into Manhattan at lunchtime, and finds an empty parking space right in front of the building she's going to. And there are still forty-eight minutes on the meter.

2. Jerry Greene opens his mailbox and finds no bills, no credit card applications, and no catalogues. And it isn't even Sunday.

3. Marina is Jewish and a passionate supporter of Israel. She meets an Arab who's handsome and rich. After a few months of torrid sex they get married and move to Saudi Arabia.

4. Tiffany gets more than she bargained for when she claims that she's still a virgin despite being seven months pregnant. If it will bring the Pope on his first-ever visit to Decaturville, Tennessee, however, the town's willing to believe in the miracle. Also, a hillbilly Hitler impersonator.

5. When $523.42 in an unmarked envelope appears in Milo's mailbox -- the exact amount he needs to pay his rent and electric bill -- is it a miracle, or is it a subtle attempt to drive obsessive-compulsive Milo to the brink of a nervous breakdown?

6. The blizzard struck just before a loooong weekend of very important sports TV, when Doug and Smitty had only six beers and one bag of chips. These pious buddies had a portable generator so they turned it on and prayed. They watched TV and ate and drank and ate and drank and on Sunday night they realized -- neither the beer cans! Nor the chip bag! Nor even the generator tank! ever emptied! --- Should they call CNN? Or the Pope?


Original Version

Dear Mr. Agent:

Marina Lansky has always dreamed of being a spy, but when she gets recruited by the Mossad in her junior year in college, she gets more than she bargained for. Her growing obsession with Ali Chalabi, [With Ahmed Chalabi so prominent in the news in the recent past, is there a reason you've chosen such a similar name?] a fellow student from Saudi Arabia, takes her from New York to Riyadh to the Arabian Desert and almost costs her life.

Marina is Jewish and a passionate supporter of Israel. When she learns that Ali has broken into Israeli military computers, she volunteers to help Israeli intelligence track his activities. Ali likes to brag about his computer-hacking exploits, so spying on him is easy. [Did she learn Ali had broken into the computers from him, or from Israel?] [Does Ali know Marina's Jewish?] It is also a lot of fun. He is handsome and rich, and Marina enjoys expensive restaurants, torrid sex made even more exciting by the deception

[Mossad: Hello? Agent Lansky? We're calling for your report on Chalabi's activities.

Marina: Let's see, last night we dined at 21. Then we went back to Ali's place and had torrid sex all night. Thursday night we ate at Per Se. Then we went back to my place and had torrid sex all night. Wednesday . . .

Mossad: Has he said or done--

Marina: Listen, call back in the morning, will you? I'm kind of tied up right now.]

and a newfound sense of purpose. When Ali is recalled home to work for the Saudi Defense Ministry, she marries him to continue to spy on him. In Riyadh, she rarely leaves the house, communicating with her Mossad handlers through e-mail. [Typical email from Marina:

Guys:

Ali brought home take-out last night from Al-Nafoura. I had kabsat dagag. Don't know what it means, but they got the gag part right, LOL. Then we had torrid sex all night. ;-)

M.

mossadspy.blogspot.com]

She struggles with isolation and growing suspicions of Ali’s sinister brother. [Osama Chalabi] But Ali is kind to her, he is the only friend she can turn to in this oppressive and alien world. She begins to fall in love with him for real, and she feels no pleasure in betraying his trust. But it’s too late to stop now. [True, as shown here:

Marina: I've grown to love you with all my heart, Ali.

Ali: As I do you, my flower.

Marina: Thus I have decided that henceforth I will stop informing Israeli Intelligence of your every move.

Ali: Most considerate, darling. Excuse me, I need to use the intercom. Miss Adeela? Would you send in Borgo the Disemboweler, please?]

She discovers a terrorist plot to steal nuclear weapons from Israel but is unable to warn her contacts through the usual channels. [That's so annoying. Spammers selling Viagra manage to send you hundreds of emails, but when you're trying to prevent nuclear war, all your emails bounce.] She can do nothing and cause the deaths of thousands of people or she can warn the Israelis and risk exposure which would bring her a death sentence as a Zionist spy. [What is the communication method she would have to use that would expose her?]

THE MIRACLE is a romantic spy thriller, complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for considering my novel. May I send you sample pages or the complete manuscript?


Notes

Thrillers and romances usually get away with a few plot holes, but I thought I'd bring them up anyway:

She rarely leaves the house, but manages to discover a plot to steal nuclear weapons? Who else lives in this house?

The Saudi Defense Ministry needs to fill a position, and they can't come up with anyone better than a college student in America?

Presumably Israel would hire the finest computer minds available to try to hack into their military computers, as a safeguard. Then this college student pulls it off as a prank? (I assume it's a prank, as he probably wouldn't brag about this accomplishment if he were doing it as a spy operation.)

The Israelis find out this guy hacked into their military secrets, and instead of kidnaping him and torturing him, ask a 19-year-old college girl to keep an eye on him?

Ignore the fact that we have a Jewish student dropping out of college, marrying an Arab, and moving to Riyadh, where she'll be a second-class citizen at best, and dead at worst. Just think about what mattered to you when you were a college sophomore: boys, music, your dreamy psychology professor, movies, passing chemistry, torrid sex . . . Maybe Marina should be a graduate student. A few more years under her belt.

Also, what's the miracle?

New Beginning 238

As a young man, there were girls before the many men. Millie I had her first, with her soft supple goodness, her ability to smell like oranges in June. Then I tried Janet and Carry. I lied to myself about it occasionally, quite frequently – actually.

My first kiss was on the riverbank with Millie, I was sixteen. The sun was setting; we held hands and looked in each others eyes. We leaned into each other – the kiss; it was all slimy and squishy and tasted like peppermint. I pulled back but she seemed to enjoy it and want more.

I didn't understand kissing.

We went – all the way, a few nights later at a party. All the way was funny, I knew where to put everything; I knew where everything needed to go, that is – I didn't miss … let's just say. I knew where to touch her and hold her and make her feel special with just the right touch.


Jessica paid the barman and, without a word to the polyester-suited creep next to her, took her drink and headed back to her table. The old "I think I might be gay but I'm not sure" line might have worked on Millie and Janet and Carry, but it sure as hell wasn't going to get him into her pants.


Opening: Alex Geana.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 292

Guess the Plot

A Perilous Reunion

1. Marion's been separated from her husband George for three months. When he walks in the door, she flies into his arms. Too late, she remembers that he's been away undergoing experimental cosmetic surgery, and now has thousands of porcupine spines on his back and chest.

2. Separation was difficult for Siamese twins Ted and Tad. But now that Ted's liver is kaput, there's only one way both boys can survive to adulthood: reunification. But as Dr. Wackner begins this very difficult surgery, her cell phone rings. It's Bob! He can't wait to hear about her new shoes!

3. When Ellen Strunk gets an invitation to the tenth reunion of her class at stuntperson school, she has no clue just how frickin' hard it's going to be to park her car safely, much less get to the bar for a drink in one piece.

4. When Seth Loki is imprisoned for beating a man nearly to death, his wife divorces him and moves to Ohio with their son, Joey. He'll never find us here, she thinks. And she was right-- until Loki received a letter from Joey, postmarked Sandusky, Ohio.

5. After dating for a year, Sara finally agrees to attend a family reunion with Tom. But when she discovers a corpse in the bathtub, she begins to realize that while some of Tom's wacky relatives are harmless eccentrics, at least one is deadly. . . and that one may be coming after her next!

6. He's a gay prostitute to the rich and powerful. She's a genius ex munitions expert with a passion for social justice. Together, they're fraternal twins who were separated as kids in Houston's foster care system. An accident involving a broken heel, a spilled drink, and a craps table brings them together again. Now no one in Washington is safe.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

Susan Shepherd gained strength from divorcing her abusive husband, Seth Loki, while he was serving time for beating a man nearly to death. Before Seth was released from prison, Susan and her teenaged son, Joey, moved from Florida to Ohio to escape his inevitable rage and begin a new life. Led by the "goodbye" letter Joey sent from Ohio, Seth discovers their location and plots to destroy Susan’s happiness and reclaim his son. [Joey's goodbye letter:

The novel opens with Seth watching his family’s new house from the seclusion of a tree-covered park, gaining valuable information as he constructs a plan of revenge. [All that stuff in the first paragraph happened in the prequel, Seth Loki: Birth of a Brute.] Unaware of Seth’s presence, Susan lands a job teaching fifth grade and hopes that her new home is a safe haven, but feels more unsettled with each passing moment as she encounters several reminders of her ex-husband. [She should never have brought their wedding album or his collection of human fingers when they moved. But the clincher is when she finds the message,

Prepare to Die,

Love,

Seth

written on her bedroom wall with blood.] Joey, a friendless fourteen-year-old struggling with the reality of what his father is capable of, has no idea that he’ll soon be faced with the predicament of protecting himself and his mother by using the last gift his father gave him, a gun. Meanwhile, Susan and Joey’s German Shepherd, Duke, who has exceptional depth and intuition, [Certainly more than Joey, anyway] is the only one who knows this "sour man" has arrived. [Sour man? That's what Duke calls him?] Bo, an astute sixteen-year-old girl dealing with the threatening presence of her new stepfather, [Seth Loki,] befriends Joey and is unwittingly pulled into his family’s strife.

Through media coverage of a young woman’s disappearance in Florida, Susan, Joey, and Bo separately piece together bits of information and realize too late that Seth has arrived. Only in the final pages does this family come together for A Perilous Reunion, causing each individual to discover how much their strength of spirit has evolved.

A Perilous Reunion is a contemporary suspense novel, complete at 75,000 words. A third person narrator offers the perspectives of each of the five main characters [Five? Joey, Susan, Bo, Seth and . . . Duke?] in short, alternating sections. [Duke's section:

Duke came running into the living room. "Hey, Susan," he said. "That asshole you used to be married to is camped out in the park across the street. I think you better call the cops."

"Joey," Susan yelled, "Duke wants something. Call him, will you?"

"Duke!" Joey called.

"Listen to me, you ignorant broad," Duke continued. "It's Seth Loki. With his gun and his knives and his ridiculous last name. He's gonna kill us all!"

"Joey," Susan called out. "Get Duke one of his bacon treats. Maybe that'll shut him up."

"For Christ's sake, lady, how can you be that stupi-- Did you say bacon?!!"]

I have been a teacher of secondary English in Ohio for eight years and recently completed my Master’s Degree in education. I would be happy to send you A Perilous Reunion. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Notes

You can safely leave Bo out of the query. For that matter, Duke isn't necessary, though we don't want to shorten it too much.

A woman disappears in Florida, and three different people separately realize this means Seth is in Ohio? You might want to leave that out as well, unless you can explain it.

If you beat someone to death in Florida, you could get life in prison. Unless it's a homeless guy, in which case you still get ten or fifteen years. Seems like beating someone nearly to death would be a fairly long sentence, but I didn't get the impression Loki was locked up very long.

Face-Lift 291

Guess the Plot

The King's Falcon

1. By day, Homer waddles around the barnyard quacking obnoxiously and eating more cracked corn than is good for him. But by night, he's the feared and mysterious . . . King's Falcon!

2. Princess Kauril of Tarishah leaves her kingdom and becomes Falcon, secret agent working for Queen Sabrina of the neighboring realm. But has Falcon met her match in the iniquitous . . . Lord Mordent?

3. Everyone gathers in a stone hut to play strip Tarot. It's all a scheme to woo the lovely Megan. But how many layers is that wench wearing?! Is that the meddling priest at the door? And who will draw the winner-takes-all King's Falcon?

4. His Majesty could have driven a Jaguar or a Mercedes, so why is he so obsessed with the rusted Ford Falcon that once belonged to Steven King? He claims that it talks to him, but is King George insane, or is an automobile running the kingdom?

5. Raza is the Falcon -- a title given to the king's most trusted spy. She's been in love with the king for years, but their budding relationship cannot grow while the kingdom remains at war. To find happiness, Raza must first find a way to secure peace.

6. It's a little known fact that Elvis Presley liked his little red Ford Falcon better than any other car. But only Marge Taylor knows why -- she lost her virginity in that back seat -- and now she's determined to get home to Tennessee and sit in that car listening to "Love Me Tender" once last time. No matter what the evil nursing home staff say.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I am writing to you regarding representation for The King’s Falcon, a 103,000 word fantasy novel, a story of the struggle between the life we make and the paths others want us to follow.

Princess Kauril of Tarishah leads a double life. Barred from her empty throne until she bears an heir and hoping to avoid power-seeking suitors, Kauril leaves her birthright behind to become “Falcon,” the [superhero] agent of Queen Sabrina of Fayette, a neighboring realm. [Wouldn't that make her The Queen's Falcon?] [Not sure it qualifies as a double life if she's given up one life for another.] Now Kauril’s identity as Falcon is endangered by Sabrina's latest directive.

Mortally ill, Sabrina pleads with Falcon resume her life as the Princess. Heartbroken and reluctant to reclaim the throne, [Reluctant? She can't reclaim it until she bears an heir, right?] Falcon soon uncovers a threat to Tarishah. Even as she attempts to tie its exploitation [What's exploitation? What's the threat?] to the Administrator of the Regency, Lord Mordent, Falcon must circumvent his attempts to manipulate her into a loveless marriage. [To him?]

Mordent is acquitted of treason [He was trying to get the woman responsible for putting him on trial for treason to marry him? Forgiving guy.] forcing the Princess Kauril to choose between the path she was born to follow and the one she has created. Kauril vows to bring Mordent to justice even if it means she must sacrifice Falcon. ["Sacrifice Falcon," meaning return to her realm, bear an heir and take the throne? How does that help her bring Mordent to justice? "Sacrifice Falcon," meaning stay in Sabrina's realm but take on Mordent as herself rather than as Falcon? Make it clear what her choices entail.]

Thank you for your kind attention to this request.

Sincerely,


Notes

It peters out at the end. What did Mordent do, who acquitted him, why, and how can Falcon bring him to justice if he's been acquitted?

Why does Sabrina care whether Falcon goes home?

Who's the king? Where's the king? Does the king have his own falcon, or is Falcon the king's and queen's falcon?

It starts off okay, but becomes vague. Falcon discovers something, and she's forced to make a choice that may have consequences. Specific information is needed.

Writing Exercise

Can we do “classes” on things such as dialogue? Maybe I’m not the only one who rereads what I’ve written and thinks…oh, gee, this would be really good if I lived in the land of wooden, stilted people with nothing to say that anyone with a brain would want to hear.

Sure. Here's your first homework assignment. Write an excerpt from one of the fake novels described below, an excerpt consisting entirely of dialogue. It may include brief action. For instance:

"Where've you been?" Jean asked.
"Had to work late," Orville replied, opening the refrigerator.
"I phoned. They said you left early." She tightened her grip on the ice pick in her right hand.

The deadline is 5 p.m. Eastern Sunday, but I'll publish them as they come in. Humor is encouraged, but not required. Try to keep them under 250 words.


1. Were they just a tissue match, or were they kindred hearts? A transplant patient falls in love with the ghost of her donor.

2. As a rite of passage, Briana knows she must dance naked around the bonfire on the solstice. But if Alric sees her birthmark, he may guess the dark secrets of her past.

3. A longtime nun begins to question her life's choices when she falls in love with a man on a visit to Rome, a man who proves to be the Pope in street clothes.

4. Nothing less than a burned and bloody corpse could force Hematologist Mark Ungaro to work with Dr. Kimberly Bishop at Presbyterian Hospital. Kim, a Park Avenue dermatologist, had treated his wife into a mid-life crisis and ruined his marriage.

5. When the president loses his remote somewhere in the White House, right before Desperate Housewives, a state of emergency is declared.

Face-Lift 290

Guess the Plot

Nothing

1. When private eye Raerdon Smidley is hired to capture a mythical creature, he uncovers a plot he thinks could threaten the very foundation of his life. Or, it could just be nothing.

2.

3. The first book in my Black Hole of Nothingness trilogy, to be followed by Nada and Zilch.

4. Nothing. Seriously: Nothing.

5. There's this guy, see, and he sort of, you know, does stuff.

6. In the vast Sahara desert, a lone philosopher sits at an oasis and ponders, and ponders, and ponders. Finally he is forced to admit: "I got nothing."


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When P.I. Raerdon Smidly is hired to capture a mythical creature, [297 queries without a private eye/mythical creature plot, and now we've had two in three days.] he believes he has found the easiest meal ticket in town, taking advantage of a silly old man's belief in fairy tales. Only after uncovering a murderous plot, one that threatens the very foundation of his life, does the private eye [Call him Smidly. When you come up with a name like Smidly, you have to use it as much as possible.] begin to reconsider the consequences of his actions. In small town Blumooth, blood flows like water, and secrets run deeper than the local river. [This feels like you're starting a new query. It'll feel less abrupt if you earlier say, "the easiest meal ticket in Blumooth." Or if you make this a new paragraph.] The silly old man is not so innocent, the creature is not so mythical, and even local heroes have blood on their hands. If Raerdon [Smidly!] is going to solve this case, [What case? I want more information about what Smidly is trying to solve. Blood flows and secrets run deep and the man isn't innocent: this is all vague. What's going on?] he has to decide how far he is willing to go for answers, and what is truly worth dieing for. [I'm dying--for some specifics.]

"Nothing" is a thriller set in the dark world of Kadith. [Now you tell us we're not on Earth? Smidly didn't believe there was a mythical creature when he got hired. Thus mythical creatures aren't the norm on Kadith. Thus . . . Why is the story set on Kadith? Why not Blumooth Minnesota? Tell us how Kadith is different from Earth.] At about 70,000 words, it is a stand-alone novel in a serialized world. Please use the enclosed, SASE for your reply. Thank you for considering “Nothing.” [Not sure why it's titled Nothing, but you invite rejection slips that read, "Thanks for Nothing, pal."] [Suggested title: Slick Smidly and the Blumooth Conspiracy. You'll have to change his name from Reardon to Slick, of course.]

Sincerely,


Notes

If I wanted to hire someone to capture a mythical creature, I'd probably go with a hunter or a zookeeper or a mercenary. Why a private eye?

What do you mean by "the very foundation of [Smidly's] life"?

These last few queries have been kind of brief in the plot department. You ought to be able to squeeze about ten sentences of plot description into a one-page query letter.

Q & A 97-103

How do you define your novel in a query letter if it is not genre fiction?

Mainstream? Literary? Humorous, tragic, political, quirky, historical, uncatagorizable or some other adjective? Depends.

For instance, wouldn’t it be a little presumptuous to say that you have written a work of literary fiction?

Not as presumptuous as saying, I have written a work of literature.

How the hell do you know you’ve accomplished this feat?

Your characters are all miserable until the very end, when they die.

What if you’re simply a pitifully unaware dolt who wrote a rambling piece of plotless crap?

Whether you tell the agent it's literary fiction or a rambling piece of plotless crap, you'll get the same reply. But at least if you call it a rambling piece of plotless crap, you won't look clueless.

Commercial fiction, as I understand it, is seen to be more plot-driven while literary fiction is more character-driven. But what if you’ve written something with a plot that you also think has accurate and thoughtful character development?

Try to arrange for one of your more thoughtful characters to be eaten by a shark.

But I’ve also read agents’ websites that mention they are interested in commercial fiction with literary leanings. I read that to mean “well-written”; I thought it was a given that everything you submit had better be “well-written.”

An excellent policy. Of course, there's well-written and then there's well-written. Jane Austen, Edgar Allen Poe and Lewis Carroll are known for romance, horror and fantasy, but also for writing that has stood the test of time. Genre writing can be "literary." But "literary fiction" has a general meaning to agents and editors. As Potter Stewart said, "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it." Granted, Justice Stewart was talking about hard-core pornography, but . . .

Why can’t you (or can you) simply say…I’ve written a novel?

You can.

New Beginning 237

“And once again, the savage pampas teemed with native revolutionaries bringing rivers of blood and death to the native Paavvidians and Fornescues alike. The Fornescues that the natives couldn’t impale, they burnt in their prefab bungalows.” Tiki-Manu read from Orphoonia’s history of Paavve.

“How can you read that drivel? Is this the one where the bare-chested hero conquers the world, screws all of the female Paavvidians with big tits, becomes dictator for life and only has two new scars to show for it?” Dak-Omar used his duffel as a stool.

“Histories of dark landmasses teeming with wild animals and savage ethnics aren’t drivel. They’re object lessons in how to subjugate entire alien subcultures with BO and webbed feet. Besides, there’s nothing else to do until XO Weinerman’s gathering,” Tiki-Manu answered, flouncing her wimples.

“Nothing to do, never!” Dak-Omar laughed. “I need a drink, a Whiskey Blizzard will do,” his voice echoed, attracting attention.

The Flibberaanian behind the bar lifted his apron and brandished his taktuk in Dak-Omar's direction.

"Does that mean I'm getting a Whiskey Blizzard or not?" Dak-Omar called out.

"By the Eyes of PW Drakka-Noblex-Pluuunia, you certainly will, Sir, and I shall be stirring this one with extra care."

"Good."

Tiki-Manu dragged her eyes up from the pages of her yuukulvibberkik to check out the Fliberaanian. ''Maybe not so good," she said. "That taktuk doesn't look any too clean."


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: McKoala

Face-Lift 289

Guess the Plot

Eat, Drink and Be Married

1. Felicia Jordan's matchmaking service for plus-sized people has been hugely successful. But her clients are dying even faster than their doctors expected—and hunky Detective Logan Price, investigating the case, fears that Felicia will be next.

2. After one too many bar fights, an alcoholic lesbian slut falls in love, becomes a parent, and lives happily ever after.

3. After sampling the Faerie feast together, Willie Van Winkle wakes up before his brother Rip, and knocks up his daughter. Can he find the feast table and get back to sleep before Rip wakes up and makes them marry?

4. Sam met Myrna at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. When she showed up again at AA the following week, he found himself taking a second look. Will the stresses of dieting and going cold turkey be too much for the two lovebirds, or will the next twelve steps they take lead to the altar?

5. Patricia, single and her biological clock ticking like a suicide bomber's watch, begins to dabble in love potions. When she accidentally discovers the secret ingredient by spilling her potion into the pomegranate punch at the PTA's dinner-dance, hilarity ensues.

6. Feverish and lost in the Forest of Doom, Jack Harper is saved by a stranger. Little does he know that eating a half-rotten apple and drinking from a leaky bowl completes the local marriage ritual. One sip later, he is married to a being known as the Crazy Zombie Granny With A Bouncy Afro.



Original Version

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent Person,

What happens when a self-absorbed, self-destructive, young lesbian-about-town with a few addictions on the side inadvertently finds herself in the middle of a perfectly normal, healthy, and happy relationship? [Her fascinating, riveting story morphs into syrupy tripe?] "Eat, Drink and Be Married" is the story of living happily ever after when you weren't sure you were even going to live to be 30.

I recently read "I'm Too Sexy for My Volvo." Great book! It's full of laughable moments. [While "laughable" can mean what you want it to, it more commonly means "inviting ridicule." Definitely not what you want to say here.] Broken for You was also superb. Your appreciation for quirky new voices and true-life comedic-drama memoirs is clear, and you are exactly the kind of agent I am hoping to be represented by. [Don't forget to change the titles of the superb books you recently read when you send this to the other agents on your list.] [Better yet, talk about your book, instead of other authors'.]

"Eat, Drink and Be Married" is a 95,000 word completed memoir that details the hard work involved in not screwing up a good thing. The book is a chronicle of two women who have no business being in the same zip code, much less in love. But the power of the old adage "opposites attract" is alive and strong, [Changing "alive and well" to "alive and strong" doesn't make it less cliché; it makes it look like you got the cliché wrong.] and plays out with equal parts comedy and dramedy [If dramedy is a mix of drama and comedy, it would take a complex mathematical formula to prove a book is equal parts comedy and dramedy. Fortunately, we have Einstein's theory of general genretivity: G = dc²] as the protagonist goes from bar fights and setting the land-speed record for being a complete slut [Slut records are kept in the quantity department, not in speed.] to getting sober, falling in love and, eventually, becoming a parent. Luckily, she doesn't loose [Lose. Loose is what she was when she was a slut.] her edge, her anger, or her internal hysteria along the way.

There is a solid market for good memoirs with a defined niche [No need to tell the agent her business.]­ especially when they offer an irreverent and unique voice on the mundane aspects of real life, love, and survival. This book is ideal for an audience of female readers ages 25-50, both gay and straight, and, of course, for guys who think "lesbian" is code for Girl-on-Girl Action. [That's your "defined niche"? All women under 50 and most men?] [Presumably you're sending this query to agents who handle lesbian books. I find it hard to believe any such agents would want to hear that the book is ideal for guys who think "lesbian" is code for Girl-on-Girl Action. Guys interested in girl-on-girl action don't buy books; they subscribe to lesbian porn sites . . . . or, uh, so I've been told.]

I also have a platform to bring to the marketing table. I was a regular commentator for San Diego's UPDATE, Gay.com, and TechnoDyke.com from 1997 to 2002 and the co-author of the best-selling game LTrivia. [This sounds more like credits than a platform. Unless you explain how this will lead to big sales.]

I hope you enjoy the pages I have included. Please let me know if you would like to see the complete manuscript. Once again, I would love to work with you and hope you'll decide to represent my book.

All the best,


Notes

Do these characters have names? How do they meet? Do they get married, as the title suggests? Can you provide more than one sentence of plot detail? We want to know what happens, not just what the characters are like. Give us their names and tell us the story.

Is it an actual memoir, as opposed to fiction in the form of a memoir? Is there really a solid market for memoirs of unknowns? Because converting a memoir into a novel would be an interesting exercise, and could improve your chances.

Given that opposites supposedly attract, I'm not sure why radically different people would have no business in the same zip code.

Adjectives like "unique" and "ideal" are best left to publicists who describe your book on the back cover, usually without having read it. Authors should stick to the facts.

New Beginning 236

Ed opens the door of his parents’ bedroom. It’s 9.45 in the morning and the sun is shining through the curtains and there are birds singing. It’s a beautiful June day but Ed doesn’t see because he’s overwhelmed by the stink of booze, it gets up his nostrils, he can feel it invading his hair and trying to worm its way under his skin. And when he gets closer to his sleeping father there’s another stronger smell, sharp and yet cloying, and Ed realises it’s the smell of urine. His father has pissed himself in the night.

Ed almost pukes then, not just because of the piss but because he’s pumped up, he’s been dreaming of this day for five years, maybe longer, and he can’t cock it up now. He retches, swallows it back down. His legs are shaking, he’s not sure he can do this.


“Are you getting it so far?”

Denzel Mackeson muffles a cough and gives a thin smile to the dark-suited man across the huge mahogany table. “I . . . I’m not sure . . . ”

“Keep watching.” They both turn back to the screen.

It’s 10.30 in the morning now, and Ed and his father are out in the sun. Ed’s father is wearing white denims and a black leather jacket stenciled with Where The Wild Things Are. Dark aviator shades protect his eyes. He scratches his three-day stubble and belches. Ed grins. This is what Ed’s been waiting for. His father swings his leg over the huge Harley hog sitting on the driveway and starts the engine.

“Aaaaand . . . Close up of the father’s butt. Voiceover: 'Depends Active for Men -- For Real Men.'

“Well?”


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 288

Guess the Plot

The Leprechaun Connection

1. Popeye Doyle and Cloudy Russo come out of retirement for one more bust after stumbling on a container-load of Lucky Charms.

2. Taran McSwilligan is only an eighth-grade geek, but even he can see the problems extant in using live leprechauns as relay switches for his eire-ish island's electrical system. Can Taran perfect his leprechaun cryo-freeze and stabilize the connections before the whole year's stash of frozen fish melts into a steaming puddle of fertilizer?

3. Hired to track down a billionaire's daughter, a private eye stumbles upon a dimension of elves, gnomes . . . and leprechauns. Not only that, she must assume the throne to prevent all of humanity from slipping into the black hole of nothingness.

4. The manufacturer of Amy's new cell phone used warm fuzzy names for all the parts, so she wasn't surprised to find a button for the "leprechaun connection." But she was surprised to push it and find herself lost in a patch of clover, with huge bees buzzing overhead.

5. Moira's mission is to get crucial documents from Belfast to Stockholm, but getting the documents out of Ireland is proving tricky--and she's being followed by a dark stranger who may be after more than the papers. Can Moira reach the dropoff point to make . . . The Leprechaun Connection?

6. When the DEA recruits his roommate Julian to discover Andy's mushroom source, Julian is shocked to find the source is an actual Leprechaun. Will the DEA believe him? Also, a centaur with bladder control issues and an exhibitionist wood nymph.


Original Version

To the Evilest of All Editors:

Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes? [I don't know. And odds are you aren't going to tell me.]

P.I. Puck Railian would like an answer as she tracks down a billionaire’s kidnapped daughter.
She almost captures [is about to capture] a leprechaun when elven warrior Kellen, who insists she is the lost heir to the throne of Shadowrealm, waylays her. He agrees to help her find the missing girl if Puck ascends Shadowrealm’s throne in a coup overthrowing the troll-led government. All Puck wants to do is find the kid to collect her reward. The closer she gets to finding the girl, the more she learns about herself. [Dump that sentence; it interrupts the flow of the plot description.] But when she discovers that her father is still alive and held prisoner by the corrupt leader, it only entangles her deeper into the politics of Earth’s alternate dimension, Shadowrealm. If Puck refuses the throne, the consequences are dire as a rift between the two worlds will widen, imploding both worlds, spilling banshees, ogres, humans, and gnomes into the black hole of nothingness. [The black hole of nothingness! I think we've finally found a phrase to replace the nexus of time travel itself.] [It seems to me that if the rightful heir not being on the throne would open the black hole of nothingness, it would already be open. It would have opened when the troll leader took the throne. We'd all be dead.]

Will Puck find the missing child? Will she discover the leprechaun connection? Will she be able to prevent a civil war in Shadowrealm? Will she fall [into the black hole of nothingness?] for the handsome elven warrior? [And last but not least, Why are leprechauns stealing human children to work in factories purloined from forest gnomes?] The answer to these questions, and more, lie between the pages of THE LEPRECHAUN CONNECTION. [Between the pages? What's on the pages?]

I had a difficult time researching this novel, since alternate dimension traveling is out of my financial ability. I did manage a trip to Germany to view the gnome’s Black Forest factories, and I must say the sale of wooden smokers, nutcracker, and ornaments are providing the gnomes a thriving cottage industry. And I’m happy to report the Scottish Doonies are back to their shape-shifting tricks again, according to the locals. [Very cute. Now get rid of it. Your editor/agent may want to meet her latest client. You don't want her worrying that it's going to go:

You: Sorry I'm late. Gnomes and elves stole my luggage at the airport.

Editor: Heh heh. Nice to meet you. Your book--

You: Ah, you're wondering how I know so much about leprechauns and fairies. I grew up in a giant toadstool in Candyland.

Editor: Cute. Now about your contract, I'll need you to sign--

You: Wait, let me get out my lucky pen. It writes with magic potion instead of ink.

Editor: Get out. Get out or I'll have you thrown out.]

The Leprechaun Connection is a 120,000-word fantasy adventure. My protagonist Puck has been compared to a mixture of Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum and hard-boiled noir detectives of the 1940’s. [Sort of a klutzy Sam Spade.] [Was this comparison made by Janet Evanovich and James Ellroy? Or by a friend of yours?] I’ve included a few sample pages for your perusal. The full manuscript is available upon request, though it might be somewhat delayed due to the fairies claiming union rules, For some reason they are insisting upon a break every three hours to toke some pixie dust and clean the ink off their feet.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Those last two paragraphs pretty much guarantee that your manuscript will end up in . . .

The
Black
Hole
of
Noth-
ing-
ness.

You have a protagonist for adults, but I'm not sure how many adults will want to read about leprechauns, gnomes, fairies, etc. The title and setting sound more like they'll appeal to kids. Maybe you should make up the Shadowrealm characters, or at least use fewer known fantastical creatures.

Is there a reason for naming the character Puck? No one has that name. And I believe it's been used in at least one work involving fairyland creatures already.

New Beginning 235

Kathryn couldn't stop staring at herself in mirrors these days. Studying the colour of her eyes, the slope of her nose and the shape of her lips consumed her attention every time she used a bathroom, rode the elevator to Dr. Harkman's office or tried on clothes at the mall with Marice.

Was that the exact shade of blue as her father's eyes? Would her nose look just like Mom's if it didn't have that funny hump from the hockey incident in grade four? Weren't her lips the same delicate M shape under her nose as her grandmother's? How could she be adopted?

In a show of truly insensitive planning, her parents had sprung the news on her sixteenth birthday, deeming her old enough to know the truth now that she was old enough to drive. The promise of lessons, the emerald birthstone earrings, and the new sketchbook all diminished into the background like her biology project, paling in importance before the news that her family was not her own.

"You are SUCH a drip," Marice said when Kathryn told her. "You should be playing this for all it's worth! A crappy pair of earrings? After they've scarred you for life? It's gonna take at least a matching emerald tennis bracelet to console you. And a BMW, the second you get your license."

Kathryn hadn't thought about that. Nor had she caught on to the fact that now she wouldn't inherit her mother's enormous butt, or her grandmother's hammer toes, or Dad's receding hairline.

Maybe this being adopted stuff wasn't so bad after all.


Opening: Starstruck.....Continuation: Marissa Doyle

Face-Lift 287

Guess the plot

Voice of Darkness

1. Soprano Antoinette Aphrodite LeFay has a voice that can shatter glass. Unfortunately, when she hits the high note in her aria, she shatters every light bulb in La Scala.

2. Girly-girl Alexa Tate lives in New York City and adores Manolo Blahniks. She's also an alien, sent to Earth to destroy mankind. Or to save it; she's not sure which. Maybe the Voice of Darkness knows?

3. Secret Agent Mae Wong and her new hubby are ready for their first night in their new home. But what is that diabolical laughter coming from under the bed? Could it be . . . the Voice of Darkness?

4. A nameless faceless horror haunts pizza guy Sparky Barnes as he races through the dim streets of Newberry in a car full of vipers.

5. PoonTang Jrard might be the one member of Dominion Force too unimportant to kill, but thanks to her gift of The Dark Song, she'll be kicking some serious Blufard butt when the time comes.

6. B'rath N'Hallow is the last in a long line of Shield-Men, charged to protect the island of Norland for all eternity. His life seems plotted for him--until he hears a Voice telling him, "Come inside, Timmy, it's getting dark."


Original Version

Meet Alexa Tate. She's a girly-girl with serious skills - like space-shifting, controlled free-falling, and tracking her prey by scent - who loves red meat and hates blind dates. [Maybe her blind dates would go better if she didn't see her dates as rump roasts.] She lives in New York City, adores Manolo Blahniks and can outrun absolutely anything.
[Even a cheetah? Even The Flash?] [Even while wearing her Manolo Blahniks?]Oh yes, and she isn't human. She's Other. [What with the Others on the TV show Lost, and the movie The Others, calling Alexa's race "Other" may not seem too original. I suggest changing a single letter, making it "Otter." Kids are sick of books about ducks and mice and dogs. Otters are much more interesting, especially otters that are faster than cheetahs and wear Manolo Blahniks. I envision a series of children's books starring Alexa Otter: Alexa Otter's Blind Date; Alexa Otter Cooks a Pork Loin; Alexa Otter and the Missing Manolos. I recommend dropping your project immediately and learning everything you can about otters. This is gonna be big.]

Live Otter Cam

Until recently, Alexa thought her powers were a gift to be used in her own signature style of vigilante justice. Now she's worried that she wasn't sent to save mankind but to destroy it. [What caused her to start worrying about this?] And she wasn't sent alone.

Someone is watching her. Tracking her. Hunting. For the first time in her life, Alexa is the prey and her hunter isn't human. He's Other. [See how much better that would sound if it were Otter?] And he's out for blood. [That's six sentences just to say she's being hunted by another Other.]

Voice of Darkness is a 94,000 word paranormal novel written in the first person perspective of a heroine who regularly kicks ass and takes names. I've enclosed the first three chapters for your consideration. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

These people who are Other: they refer to themselves as Other? That seems backwards. There's yourselves, and there are others. If the story's told from Alexa's POV, wouldn't she think of humans as Other?

You might want to get more specific about her vigilante justice in the opening paragraph. Maybe start it:

Meet Alexa Tate, a girly-girl with serious skills - like space-shifting and controlled free-falling. Alexa hates blind dates, adores Manolo Blahniks and spends her spare time hunting down criminals the NYC cops can't handle. Oh, and she's also an otter.

That's less listy. That she likes red meat doesn't exactly set her apart from the rest of the population. Otters prefer fish, anyway.

To Evil Editor, it was intriguing to think Alexa realized she was one of a group of Other sent to destroy the Earth, and that she would now try to destroy the other Others to ensure her access to Blahniks. To find that they were hunting her, instead, was less interesting. But maybe that's just me.

New Beginning 234

The sea foamed at the shoreline while the wind carried the mist up the hillside. The breeze shifted, startling a small robin from its perch on an oak tree. The young woman watched it dart into the forest, seeking refuge in the thickness of the trees. She shivered and pulled her cloak tight around her. Usually the trip from Fairedge to Port Rallos took half a day. Fairedge was primarily a fishing village, but Port Rallos was where most of the trade occurred and Port Rallos was closer to the pearl beds. The pearls from Rallos were highly sought after. With the storm brewing she had been delayed by busy fisherman trying to get their business finished for the day. This storm would be a big one, the energy in the air made the hair on her arms stand up and she clutched the small container of trench in her hands.

“Fascinating, lady. So this is the right road? This is the road to Port Rallos?”

The young woman nodded.

“That’s all I asked.”

Marge wound up the window on the little Fiat. “Jesus, Herb,” she said, “either they don’t speak English at all, or you can’t get 'em to shut the freak up. And look at this weather. ‘Let’s go to Europe,’ you said. You didn’t say it was the arse end of Europe. You didn’t say it was some little cat turd of an island in the middle of God knows what ocean that gets rained on twenty-four hours a day and stinks of fish from coast to coast. Didn’t mention that. And what the hell is a container of trench, anyway?”

Herb steered the rental car around a deep pot-hole. “Hmm? What was that, dear?”

Herb played dumb, but he knew about the mystical powers of trench. More importantly, though, he knew Rallos was home to the legendary dragon-slayer of Rarj.


Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 286

Guess the Plot

Voza Sings

1. The Romanian village of Voza was invaded by 27 different armies in a hundred years. The Voza Surrender Chorus is still sung in church on Sundays. But Dracula tourists with plastic fangs are worse than Huns! Vladimir Creanga begs the people to stop the Chorus and use real weapons.

2. Chained to a post in a windowless room by mobsters, ace reporter Nick Voza laughs. Torture him all ya want -- he'll never tell where Maryanne is. So the fiends deploy a secret weapon -- Big Sal, the belly dancing hypnotist.

3. Voza has a singing voice that could fell a deaf yak. When an unlikely series of events has her singing the national anthem in front of the president of the United States, hilarity ensues.

4. Voza travels medieval England alone. He sings, dances, recites poetry, plays a charming lute -- and seduces multitudes of nuns and ladies -- until the Duke of York promises half a kingdom if he leads the Queen astray. But things do not proceed as planned. Is the old bat deaf, or what?

5. The only sound more dreadful than Vogon love poetry is heard, briefly, in the mating season of the greeble-throated Voza. Deaf Dora is the only survivor on the island, but now her hearing is getting better. If she can't attract a rescue ship before next mating season, she's doomed to die horribly when next the . . . Voza Sings.

6. Voza was a chubby little girl. She was a fat teenager. Now, an obese adult, she decides to try out for American Idol. We all know the old phrase, "It's not over 'til the fat lady sings." We just didn't realize "over" meant "Armageddon."


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

In most books, the lovable loser transforms herself into a winner everyone admires -- in a span of mere pages. [While in a query letter, the lovable loser has only one page to transform herself into a winner.] What happens if the loser tries with all her might, but still fails spectacularly? [Form rejection letter.]

That's Voza's story. Voza Sings encourages perseverance and rewards heart in this well-paced picture book for early elementary grades. Voza's teacher appoints her to the made-up position of Rest Leader because she has the worst pipsqueak voice in the entire fifth grade chorus, but that doesn't stop Voza's determination to sing. Similar to Bob of the namesake title, [Bob of the namesake title? Meaning Bob from the book Bob Sings? I'm not having any luck with Google or Amazon--unless you're talking about Bob Dylan. Is Bob in this book?] Voza finds her voice differently than most: by inadvertently screeching the national anthem to the President of the United States. [Sadly, Voza's singing is mistaken for ululation, and an overzealous secret service agent concludes she's a terrorist and shoots her.] [How do you inadvertently sing to the president? It's pretty hard to get into the same room with the president inadvertently, and belting out the national anthem without realizing it seems unlikely whether the president's in the room or not.]

Thank you for reading my enclosed manuscript, which I am sending exclusively to you. I hope you fall in love with Voza as much as I did.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

If singing for the president turns out to be a good thing, tell us how. It sounds more like an embarrassing situation.

Perseverance is fine in many fields, but if music is your life, and you can't sing, maybe you should take up a musical instrument. Occasionally the American Idol judges tell a contestant to stick with it, but even Paula seldom says that to the ones who truly suck. Wouldn't the better lesson be Everyone can be good at something, and you should look for your area of talent, rather than Keep trying and you'll be singing at the Met before you know it?

It's awfully short. I realize you are enclosing the entire book, but it wouldn't hurt to describe the plot more fully in the letter.

New Beginning 233

The first sign that something was wrong came when Hansa and Jalal, the saddle-maker's boys, came running down the dirt path before their hour as lookouts was up.

They'd been stationed at the top of the Bone, a scrubby spear of rock that stuck out higher than the rest of the hill where the clan was making camp. Sharp-eyed Parvad saw them first and cried out. It was not long before the whole clan could see them clattering down the path, their feet dislodging tiny avalanches of pebbles as they ran.

Natalja dropped the bunch of arrows she'd been fletching.

"Wrong way!" she yelled. "You're going the wrong way!"

The clan gathered around her; the gasping boys skittering to a halt in front of them.

Hansa looked back to where the Bone seemed to stick up higher than ever.

"It's too big!" cried Jalal. "We'll never make it!"

"It only takes one of us," said Natalja. "Now, come on everyone! This is our moment!"

"We're coming!" they all shouted. The entire clan started to move, led by Natalja, running up the Bone as fast as they could. Many fell by the wayside, flailing uselessly. Only the strongest and fittest would make it to journey's end.

Up the Bone they surged, faster and faster as if pushed by some invisible force. Hansa stayed at Natalja's shoulder, though he knew only one of them could make it.

Teetering at the very tip of the Bone, they launched themselves into space, hurtling forward heedlessly, tumbling toward the oval, greyish sphere floating before them. And then they saw it--an identical sphere, drifting out from behind the first--and they realized that they both would make it!

"Thank God," said Natalja. "Twins."


Opening: Margaret Taylor.....Continuation: McKoala

Face-Lift 285

Guess the Plot

What's for Dinner?

1. Tossed salad with thousand island dressing, baked chicken, rice, and Brussels sprouts. And for dessert, tapioca pudding. Wait, forget all that. Lasagna.

2. The "prize" for winning the school bubble blowing contest is that your mother has to cook dinner for the principal. Carlita wins the contest, but a last minute grocery mix-up leaves her wondering . . . What's for dinner?

3. When the guests at Mary Whitaker's potluck club won't stop asking, "What's for Dinner?" she finally answers: "You are." She pulls the "idiot lever," and the floor falls away, dropping her guests into a giant vat of boiling broth.

4. A band of Neanderthals debates whether the time has come to take a break from sex and stalk a mastodon. They decide it hasn't.

5. From unidentifiable leftovers out of the microwave to ramen over the kitchen sink, America gives up its culinary secrets in this companion volume to What's for Lunch? and the acclaimed What's for Breakfast?

6. Even as Alexander the Great's half-dead army crawls across the scorching desert, they're still complaining. Chef Golgi has provided a lovely selection of thinly sliced camel guts on a bed of fur, but that's not good enough? Let them eat cake, then. He's going to hike back to India -- where his talent was appreciated.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am seeking representation for my 5,400 word chapter book manuscript, [You forgot sentence and paragraph. 5400 word sentence paragraph chapter book manuscript.] What’s for Dinner? [5400 words about what's for dinner? Is this a manuscript or the Cheesecake Factory menu?]

Everyone knows ten year-old Carlita Fernandez blows the biggest bubbles in school. So why won't she enter the bubble gum blowing contest? Because she doesn't want to win. Carlita thinks having the school principal over for dinner is more of a punishment than a prize. [She's right. It's like winning Wimbledon, and then finding out that the prize isn't a million dollars, it's that you have to cook dinner for Queen Elizabeth.] [Does the principal eat at the home of every student who accomplishes anything? Or does it take a really important accomplishment, like blowing a bubble or walking upright?]

But Carlita’s mother disagrees. Mami jumps at the possibility of hosting Ms. Bader for a traditional Dominican meal. Despite her aversion to bubble gum, Mami presses Carlita to enter. Carlita’s reluctance continues until, goaded by the obnoxious [vice principal,] David Erby, she enters the contest – and wins. [She didn't consider purposely losing?] As dinner with Ms. Bader looms, Carlita argues for serving hamburgers and dressing [Hamburgers and dressing? I prefer them with catsup.] in jeans. She does not want Mami to make her a dress, to use Spanish words or to serve Dominican food, [which consists largely of various tubers more likely to be found in the New York Times crossword puzzle than in a dictionary]. Carlita worries she and Ms. Bader will have nothing to talk about.

When a last minute grocery mix-up threatens the event, [The grocery delivers yautia, mapuye and auyama instead of hamburger buns and ground beef; Mami can't understand how they could screw up so totally.] Carlita has to make a tough choice. The result is a change in plan for dinner, and a change of heart for Carlita.

I think the inter-generational conflicts, ethnic recipes, and light humor in this book will appeal to kids. [What kid wouldn't want to read a sancocho recipe?] I hope you agree. The full manuscript is available on request.

I have enclosed a SASE for your reply. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

The book is the length of a short story. I'm assuming it's not for the age levels reading Dr. Suess-length books (which, come to think of it, includes Evil Editor), as inter-generational conflicts and ethnic recipes would not be so appealing to them. Thus even with large type and lots of pictures, you'll probably get 100 words on a page, which comes out to 54 pages, or 27 thicknesses of paper. That's more like a stapled booklet than a bound book. Have you considered writing five or six stories, each featuring Dominican food, and putting the recipes in the back?

One would think Mami's aversion to bubble gum would have been a major obstacle in Carlita's quest to become the best bubble blower in the school. Apparently Carlita isn't the most obedient child.

"Idiot lever" from Guess the Plot #3? Anagram for Evil Editor.

New Beginning 232

The Ashana stood outside the small hut. Her mind deep in thought, behind her the moaning grew quiet and finally faded to nothing. There was a moment before the crying of the infant began. His skin not yet dry and he had felt his mother's passing. The Ashana turned, quickly walking back inside.

"Hurry, cover the babe." The Ashana handed some blankets to the young healer.

"What will we do Ashana? The mother's spirit has crossed and the child bears the mark." The healer gathered their materials and tied them into bundles that would fit on their horses.

"Her spirit is gone. We leave the body and take the babe. The Hiromen will be on their way. The Di-Shana watch the skies tonight and will send them for the boy. We can not allow that." The Ashana picked the infant up, rocking him softly. "No longer will I stand by."

The healer stood, she gently pulled a blanket over the body on the hearth. The Ashana waited and then pushed the baby into her arms."You will take the boy to the far lands."

The boy's father stepped forward and looked, pleading, at the two women. "Is there no other way?"

The Ashana sighed. "The laws are written. I am sorry."

Grief-stricken and laden with guilt, the father turned away. He should have known no good would come from switching to a low-cost HMO.


Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: ril

Success Story

Hi, Evil!

I just wanted to drop you a line to inform you that I received an email this morning from Wild Rose Press offering a contract for my first novel, The Space Between. After your assistance with the query letter, I finally attracted the attention of a very nice editor who expressed her enthusiasm for the book.

The Space Between had been set aside in favour of my second novel (remember Bad Ice?) but I had decided to dig it out from under the bed, dust it off and send it to small publishers instead of agents. I guess it was a good decision.

Many thanks for your support, and also that of the many Minions. Maybe now you'll find out how Margaret and David got on that island! And there's a snake in it! And a shark! But no Zamboni in this one (the minions will know what I mean...).

Hugs,

Chumplet

New Beginning 231

Aunt Zinnea's house was full of goblins, dinosaurs, monsters. They were dunking for apples in the basement. They were galloping through the house just fast enough to trip over their own tails and fall crying to the carpet. They cowered in fear of the ghosts and skeletons, clinging to the legs of adults. Grandma Zabronski was holding court in the living room, telling stories and granting wishes by waving a glass swizzle stick and throwing pinches of glitter. Her friend, Mrs. Harris, was reading palms. I appeared as a mermaid, in a glimmering blue gown.

The little darlings loved my ogre cookies. It was wonderful to watch them bite the tiny limbs off and gnaw the big fat heads — which bore a striking resemblance to my boss. The sight was nearly as comforting as jabbing pins in that voodoo doll.

But not nearly as much fun as the kids would have with Mr. O’Gorman’s actual body. I shimmered through the mob and slipped into the darkness of Grandma Zabronski’s bedroom. O’Gorman cringed and averted his eyes. I smiled tenderly as I loosened the gag and held a slender finger to my lips to signal, Quiet.

“Why? Why, Zelda?” O’Gorman’s whisper was hoarse and urgent.

I reached into the bag of candy stashed beside Grandma Zabronski’s night stand. “Open wide, boss. The children were promised an ogre piñata."


Opening: Titania McRoy.....Continuation: CLD

Face-Lift 284

Guess the Plot

Omn's Tears

1. Some people inherit lovely children and Italian villas, but not Omn Turner. All he gets from Mary after 20 years of devotion is 15 dollars, a deaf poodle, and six smelly overcoats.

2. A soldier and a dragonslayer embark upon an epic quest to locate "Omn's Tears," the key to preventing the power-hungry emperor from unleashing a disastrous magic that could unravel all of creation.

3. The other kids teased Omnipuplotto Smirnichovich every day of first grade and he cried so much it ruined his entire life. For second grade, his parents shorten his name to Omn Smir, but the damage is done. He goes on to become The Sobbing Serial Killer.

4. Omn is more than human: he is an immortal embodying the spirit of Yoga. Returning to mortal form in the year 2008, he weeps at the physical state of mankind's midriff and vows to bring Yoga to everyone who has reached the age of majority.

5. When Omn, the moon god, cries, his tears turn to silver-blue flowers called Omn's Tears. When Ro'od finds sixteen Omn's Tears in a perfect circle, she alone understands the omen. Can she find the newly born Chosen One before the evil sorcerer destroys him?

6. Dressmaker to the Queen, Omnibus Pajamay has everything she could wish for--until her tears are found to render fabric colorfast and shrink-proof. Now it's the rack for Omn--and not the one in the closet.


Original Version

Attn. [Agent Name],

I read that you represent works of fantasy, among other genres. My novel, OMN'S TEARS, is a 114,000 word epic fantasy. The sequel, BIRTH OF DARKNESS, is nearing completion, and the third installment is in the planning stages. [The fourth book in the series is currently the gleam of an idea I had last week while bowling. Book five will be based on a dream that I can no longer remember. And the final installment will be written by my as-yet-unborn child.]

The Adiran Enforcers used to be an organization of justice and peace, but when Captain Ryon begins asking too many questions about his recent missions, his eyes are finally opened to the brutality of his fellow soldiers and superiors alike. [Apparently the questions he asked were, What was all that agonized screaming I heard coming from the brig last night? and How come when I came out of the bathroom this morning, everyone on this entire planet had been annihilated?] Now the very people who have long been his comrades-in-arms have become the enemy. [On the other hand, those who have long been his enemies are still his enemies.]

Kain never cared about another living soul in his life. But when the Enforcers hire him to track down the last remaining dragon in Adira, for the first time in his dragon-slaying career he finds himself at a dragon's mercy, bargaining for his life. Forced into helping this dragon track down the information she wants,

[Dragon: You killed my parents, my brothers and sister, and every other dragon in Adira. And you came here to kill me. Now burn!
Kain: Hey, wait a minute, I'll make a deal with you.
Dragon: What kind of deal?
Kain: You let me live, and I'll assist you in tracking down some information. Any information you want. I'm great at finding out stuff.
Dragon: Hmm, I'm dying to know who won the big jousting tournament.]

Kain finds himself in a web of trouble, the least of which is his captor. [A giant spider.] [If his captor is the least of his troubles, shouldn't you be telling us about the most?]

But when Ryon, Kain, and company [Ryon, Kain and company? Kain's working for the Enforcers, and the Enforcers are now Ryon's enemy. How are they in the same company? Why are they in the same company? Who else is in this company? The dragon?] meet an enchanting woman from a mythical realm, [If you're in a realm that has dragons, it takes a bit of nerve to refer to someone else's realm as mythical.] they finally discover the truth: [This makes it sound like they've been searching long and hard for this "truth." The truth about what? There's been no indication that they were after any truth.] the Emperor, in his lust for power, is on the verge of unleashing a disastrous magic that may unravel all of creation. The only way to save their world is to find the remnant power of the Creator, Himself: Omn's Tears. [Which is what? Jewels? An object? Does the enchanting woman tell them where to look? After they find it, do they have to throw it into Mount Doom?]

Most of my writing experience has been in the realm of scientific analysis and journals, due to my graduate student work in physics at University of California, Irvine, from which I currently hold a Master's Degree. This is my first novel.

I would be delighted to send you a full manuscript (or a partial and synopsis) for your consideration. Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

So, apparently Kain and Ryon are searching for answers to something, and having no luck. Out of nowhere an enchanting woman appears and fills them in. How convenient. Maybe she should go find the Tears of Omn, whatever they are.

Something's going on that leads Kain and Ryon to work together to try to get answers. Early signs of the unraveling of creation? We need to know what that is.

Amazing how much easier it is to accept a world in which there are dragons than a world in which there are dragons seeking information.

New Beginning 230

That's the last time I touch Vican wine. His head throbbed abominably, and he hesitated to open his eyes. What the hell was all that racket? Moon and stars, can't a man suffer a hangover in peace?

Corporal Jake McGee finally winced his eyes open, then squeezed them shut again as the flashing blue and red strobes seared his brain. Why were the strobes on?

He socked the heel of his hand against his temple, trying to make his brain work. What was the computer shouting? Maybe he should shut off the alarms so he could actually hear the warning.

Wait. Why were the alarms on?

"What the hell is going on around here?" He thumped his fist against the plexiglass cover of his cryotube. "Open, dammit!"

The tube finished equalizing, and the cover unlatched with a hiss of escaping air. McGee stumbled out, his legs half-numb from cryosleep and his head throbbing like a rotted tooth.

The sight that greeted his eyes was horrifying for a man of his demanding character.

Vican wine jello shoooters. Serving bowls filled with pills of every shape and color. Korrulian whores, laughing and drinking. And naked, drunk space marines everywhere.

It was unbelievable. He'd been asleep for five hundred years, and the space station was still partying like it was 3402.


Opening: Gutterball.....Continuatin: Dr. Hack

Book Update

For those reluctant to order over the Internet, and who have been waiting for the "official" publication of Novel Deviations, you should now be able to phone your local bookstore and have them order it for you. You'll have to wait for them to order from a wholesaler, who'll order from EE. You'll pay full cover price, but no shipping. (Amazon charges $8.00 for the book, but $3.99 shipping; they do give free shipping if you spend enough.) EE prefers you order direct from this site until he makes back his expenses, but fully understands if you prefer not to. If the book is out of your price range, most public libraries have cards you can fill out suggesting books you'd like them to get in.


Unsolicited Endorsements

I received a thank you note from a friend who got NOVEL DEVIATIONS as a gift. She loves it. She has two darling little boys (2 and 4 years old) and never gets time to read much but, she says, ND has just the right length stories to enjoy a few moments relaxation. And it's fun. So thanks again.
J.


I received my copy of "Novel Deviations" today. Thank you very much for organising such a brilliant book. It looks great and the personal touches in the Introduction make it really special. Thank you again for taking the time to do this.
Regards,
Sophia Ahmed(U.K.)


My copies of "Why You Don't Get Published" arrived and it is wonderful. I giggled through dinner and all last night. It's better than sex! Good Job!
Dave

Face-Lift 283

Guess the Plot

Dani's Inferno

1. A new Phoenix nightclub serves up hot food, hot waitresses, and hot action. When the diamonds on the murdered girl in the ladies' room also turn out to be hot, it's up to Detective Dani DeMarco to cool the situation down and clear the club's name.

2. When every house in her neighborhood except her own burns down, Dani Darrell becomes an arson suspect. Can she escape the hot seat while also fanning the flames of her new relationship with the mysterious hunky German, Hans?

3. Thirteen-year-old Dani likes low-slung jeans, designer thongs and the latest boy bands. But when her mother gets a Chadwick's mailorder catalog and decides to burn all of Dani's clothes, a toxic cloud engulfs the neighborhood as Dani learns the meaning of Hell.

4. Not satisfied with the dark and somber colors of the Inferno, nor it's nine circles, Dani redecorates in pastels and adds anterooms complete with kitchens, bars, and novelty items.

5. It's Chili Night at the House of Paco's Taco House and Dani, the new chef, has just got a new shipment of the Red Savina Habanero at 577,000 SHU. Will dinner be a spectacular affair, or will the guests require transplants in the morning?

6. Dante's Inferno retold as a 12,000 line rap epic. Dani Tay is led through the circles of hell by the Notorious V-ir-G. It turns out that Lawrence Welk is at the bottom. Also, some bitches.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I read on your web site that you are interested in women's fiction. I am hoping you will consider my novel, Dani’s Inferno, for representation. It runs 69,000 words.

Dani Darrell habitually dates the type of men who give women post traumatic stress syndrome. [In fact, her last four dates have been with Mike Tyson, a molten metal Terminator from the future, Evil Editor, and that Jared guy from the Subway commercials.] The day after the Berlin Wall falls, East German Hans Walgesang appears at the PR firm where she works. He brushes aside questions regarding how he managed to get to the U.S. so quickly. His goal is fame, even though he admits to having no talent.

[Hans: I want to be famous.
Dani: That's what we're here for. What do you do?
Hans: Nothing.
Dani: Hmm, that narrows it down to TV game show host, lead singer for a heavy metal band, or serial killer. Wait, any chance you could marry Joan Collins?]

Dani tells herself that this lanky man with scarred knuckles [He spent an entire week trying to claw the Berlin Wall down, only to discover that it was scheduled for demolition the next day. Boy, was he pissed.] and Baptist-preacher-meets-punk-rock hair is most likely a criminal, but being around him ignites something besides her constant anger. And that’s a promising change of pace for a woman who lives in a neighborhood where all of the homes are burning down, except hers. [Thank God she went with brick.] [Her neighborhood is in flames, she's either the next to lose her home or the chief suspect, but whenever she's around this jobless, talentless criminal, things are looking up?] If Hans could flee the communist bloc, maybe Dani can escape an arson investigation, locate her missing father, and bring her secret artistic dream [Which is what?] to roaring life. [There's no connection between these things. If Hans can hop a plane from Germany to America, then I should be able to find my father and escape an arson investigation? It's like saying, If Tiger Woods can win the British Open, then I should be able to open a chain of Italian restaurants and find my missing sock.] She’ll have to break a few laws to get what she wants. [Which is what?] But Hans is the perfect partner, [How can she know this?] even if he hasn’t told her what really brought him to Seattle. [He's searching for the perfect skim hazelnut latte.]

Dani’s Inferno is my first novel. I’ve completed the advanced fiction writing program at XXXX and my essays have appeared in [name of large newspaper]. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If this is to make any sense, it needs to explain:

What does Dani want?
Why does she need to break the law to get it?
Why is Hans needed to get it?

Is that how it works with PR firms? You walk in and declare you want fame, and they make it happen?

Which came first, the title, or the burning houses plot? Is this part mystery, with Dani trying to discover who the arsonist is? Do all the houses burn at the same time, or one at a time? If the former, that's a lot of arson for one day's work. If the latter, you'd think after the third or fourth house, the cops would get wise and stake out the neighborhood.

You don't need the first sentence about traumatic stress syndrome. It has little to do with the rest of the letter. You could start: The day after the Berlin Wall falls, East German Hans Walgesang appears at the Seattle PR firm where Dani Darrell works. Or you might consider starting by saying all the houses in her neighborhood have burned down, Dani's a suspect, her dad's missing, things seemingly can't get any worse--until a talentless but hunky German walks into her office. I'd want to know if this is mainly the story of Dani satisfying her artistic aspirations, or of her romance with Hans or of her life behind bars before defining how it should start.

New Beginning 229

Gideon eased the window open. He held his breath as it slid quietly. He managed to swing one leg into the room when the light flicked on. He blinked quickly to adjust his sight. He stared at his mother, unable to move.

"Mom. I, I thought you were working tonight."

"Gideon, get inside. Now." Even when she was angry her voice was rich and deep. His friends always teased him, saying she should work for a 900 number. Tonight it shook with emotion. He was busted and she was pissed.

"Uh, mom. I can explain, Jerry needed my help with something."

"I'm sure he did. That boy can't tie his own shoes or learn how to use a belt. I am very, very upset with you. What were you thinking?" She didn't wait for his response before continuing. "You know I do not want you out alone at night. When Daniel called to say you were gone I rushed home."

Daniel? Must be one of those damn motel owners. So that's who tipped her off. He could try blaming it all on Jerry, but it wasn't Jerry's fault. After all, Gideon was the one who'd put his name on every one of them.

"Son, I know you mean well," his mother said, "but you have to stop leaving Bibles everywhere."


Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: E.S. Tesla