Why you don't get published.
Friday, September 29, 2006
New Beginning 130
"We should've turned ourselves into koalas," the possum with the shorter whiskers said.
"Don't be an idiot," longer whiskers replied. "Koalas don't live in California. And you were the one that wanted to be an animal with a pocket."
"Pouch. It's a pouch."
"Whatever," longer whiskers said.
The two marsupials hid under a huge wax myrtle that faced a modest two story brick home, in an ordinary neighborhood, on an average cul-de-sac. It was the home of a twelve-year-old boy named Jake Marks. If Jake had gone outside and looked closely at the bush, he might have seen two sets of black, beady eyes peering through the branches. But Jake was inside, having breakfast with his mom and little brother.
The sound of a car engine alerted the possums and their tails swished back and forth. The car slowed and turned into the driveway.
"The female has arrived," longer whiskers said, running out to the arriving car. "Quick! Grab her pouch!"
Short whiskers made a flying leap at the woman's Marc Jacobs bag. She screamed and attempted to fight the creature off.
Jake ran to the window. "Look! It's Mrs. Splick! And there's a possum attacking her!"
Mrs. Marks looked out the window. Mrs. Splick, the babysitter, was on the ground, blood spurting from thousands of scratches and bites. One possum appeared to be eating her face while another was dragging her bag into the bushes. Mrs. Marks sprang into action, grabbing a kitchen knife and sprinting to the door.
"No!" Jake shouted. "Don't go out there, Mom!"
"Sorry, honey," she replied, "but no one treats a Marc Jacobs bag like that. No one."
Continuation: Kate Thornton
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30 comments:
OH. MY. I loved both the intro and continuation. Kate, you still continue to amaze me.
Wow. Kate has been on a roll.
Now criminals are turning themselves into animals? Brilliant!
Hey, EE. Did your site get hacked? What's with the graffitti?
-JTC
I did wonder where the beginning was headed to, but now I know...
Possums arguing about semantics? Not very dramatic. This really didn't do anything for me, Author. Sorry.
The beginning reminds me of the movie OVER THE HEDGE. Not sure if that's intentional or not.
Yeah, I agree - SAVE THE BAG!!
I thought this opening was a winner. Not sure if you can sustain it, but that's one of my favorite opening sentences ever.
Are they invading marsupials from space? Can't beat that.
The original is quite good, in my opinion, except for the fact that they both missed the fact that Koalas are also marsupials. It kind of bugged me that they'd argue "pocket vs pouch", but not know that basic fact. Heck, I'd wager that many more people know that koalas are marsupials than oppossums are.
The author never says koalas aren't marsupials. Though that line could probably be cleared up so no one else reads that into it.
Looks like it's time to change the password.
For some reason blogger was showing an empty rectangle with an x in the corner when I attempted to upload the usual picture, even when I tried using html. So I tried this one as an experiment to see if the problem was the picture or all pictures.
I think that the first line might be
"If Jake had gone outside and looked closely at the bush, he might have seen two sets of black, beady eyes peering through the branches. But Jake was inside, having breakfast with his mom and little brother."
because that's where the interest lies. I am assuming that Jake will interact with the possums and therein lies the story.
The banter between the two possums is good but it can wait. There is lots of story to establish their grumpiness.
Nice clipart. The rest of the post... the topic sounds like it's for kids, but the style doesn't. It's flat and dull. The whole thing bored me, and I'm not sure how a tree can "face" a house. Trees don't have a front and a back.
I think this is rather fun. Not perfect, but what is? Just fun.
That's okay, EE, it still works.
Well, if "hate" really means you habor a secret desire to spawn his evil offspring...
I agree with Dave. I'd go with the Jake paragraph first. Then you can have the possums arguing back and forth (quite funny!).
The continuation is a riot (even the gross stuff).
~JerseyGirl
EE: I can't see the picture either.
Unlike other commenters, I'd skip Jake and keep the focus on the possums. Who and what they really are is much more intriguing to me than whether a boy can see them past the cereal box. And they're funny, whereas eating cereal is... well, not.
Loved it! Dave had a great suggestion, though, because my interest was also heightened by the bit about Jake.
"And you were the one that wanted to be an animal with a pocket" implies that the aforementioned alternative, koalas, don't have pockets.
I may be the only one, but I thought they were possums turned into koalas at first. It would have helped me, the dull, easily confused reader, if the longer whiskered one had said "we're not koalas, we're possums, idiot." Or something.
(This whole thing reminds me of when we had a peacock in our tree and my father said, "holy shit, it's a flamingo!")
It only implies that if you ignore the fact that longer-whiskers has already excluded animals that aren't naturally found in California. In the subset of "animals naturally found in California" and "animals with pouches", you are not going to find koalas.
(and no, this one isn't mine either, before anyone rushes to judgement)
Resubmitted this comment to get rid of a typo.
I'm with Jeb. This is one of the few openings where I can truly say that I'd keep reading and if the first couple pages held up, I'd buy the book. And I'd buy it for the possums, not for Jake. Now, if the possums play no role other than to be amusing for 20 seconds, then I'd be annoyed and wished the author hadn't teased me with cool possums. I'm not saying I want the fictional guide to marsupials. The story can be about Jake, but either the possums better play a role in Jake's life or the tone of having animals and inanimate objects talk should play a part in Jake's life.
This reminds me of Harry Potter and the Budweiser frogs. The possums are the wise-cracking frogs, but they also happen to be morphed magicians.
Or maybe not.
Hi all--
I am the author and I want to thank you all for the comments. I can see the confusion with the koalas. That's an easy fix.
Loved the continuation!
ILS
EE, that pic has the invisibles turned on. It's very weird.
I think some people need to lighten up, or maybe go analyze some Ian McEwan. It was fun and lighthearted. Writtenwyrrd, maybe it was going for humor more so than drama?
If anyone is interested in getting together and analyzing some Ian McEwan, my e-mail address is in my profile...
Who's Ian McEwan?
There's actually a clue in the post.
Apparently, he's a man who gets a lot of criticism in many languages. He must be rather zen.
I thought the beginning was cute, and the continuation had me laughing out loud.
"Quick! Grab her pouch!" was REALLY funny, after the little pouch argument in the beginning. I'd try to incorporate it into the real story, if Kate doesn't mind...
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