Thursday, September 28, 2006

Face-Lift 201


Guess the Plot


Children of Mercury

1. A thermometer bursts as a feverish woman gives birth. Adorable quicksilver twin babies unwittingly poison hospital staff. Boy in the Plastic Bubble meets Terminator 2.

2. Mercury Hospital in central Little Rock was shut down and abandoned fifteen years ago because of a stillborn rate two hundred times the national average. Now the neighbors are seeing eerie lights in the maternity wing, and three children are missing.

3. After sweeping first through third in all sprint events for 6 track and field meets in a row, the sprinters in the Santa Monica Junior Track Club are dubbed The Children of Mercury by the press. Future Olympians? Or will they be busted for designer steroid use?

4. Alice Jerman's affair with Mercury, the messenger of the gods, was terrific. Bearing his children wasn't all that bad. But trying to find shoes at Stride-Rite that will fit winged feet is nearly impossible.

5. All they want to be when they grow up are merchants, controlling the trade and profits of the planet. They claim direct descent from their ancient god. But when Belabarians show up to invade their planet, only the children of Mercury can avert a galaxy's demise.

6. Book 1 in my series which will include Children of Venus, Children of Mars, etc. Here's hoping we don't quite make it to Children of Uranus.


Most honoured and praiseworthy Evil Editor!Though but a humble lurker on your blog, I humbly submit my first 150 words for mockery and dismemberment at the hands of Your Esteemed Self and the Minions. The title Children of Mercury is based on the medieval and Renaissance system of astrology, where it was the planet and not the constellation of birth that governed one's temperament. Mercury is the patron of artists, philosophers, doctors, astrologers, spies and thieves, several of which professions appear in the story. If it became a series, others would be titled (for example) Children of Venus (courtesans, hunters, musicians), and Children of Mars (soldiers and mercenaries). [Included to show where the correct Guess the Plot came from.]

Original Version

Dear Agent-name-spelled-right,

Children of Mercury is a 90,000 word mystery set in early Renaissance Italy, where a painting could bring down a city, and the finest colours came from the deadliest poisons.The struggling Florentine painter Agnolo asks only for obedient apprentices, clients who know what they want, and a life untroubled by the powerful. [Evil Editor asks only for obedient minions, authors who know what Evil Editor wants, and a life untroubled by submissions.] The last, at least, he might have achieved, if his old friend Gaudenzio--brilliant artist and ruthless duelist--[Not as cool-sounding as "ruthless vigilante sorcerer, but a much better tongue twister.] hadn't asked for help with a simple task.

Before that "simple task" is finished, a prince will be poisoned and a workshop burnt, assassins and espionage encountered. Agnolo and Gaudenzio must unmask a murderous Milanese spy without bringing down [You already used "bring down" in the first paragraph. Come up with something new and exciting.] Gaudenzio's wealthy and vindictive patron who (knowingly or unknowingly) shelters him. ["Him" meaning the spy, but that's not so clear, as you mentioned Gaudenzio more recently than the spy.] Their fresco of The Planets And Their Children may provide a chance to expose the spy--if they live to paint it. [Or it may bring down all of Italy.]

Children of Mercury is complete in itself, but could become first in a series. Historical mysteries continue to be popular, and Italy has been surprisingly underexploited as a setting in the genre. [I've never thought of novels as exploiting their settings.]

I have been involved in historical reenactment and living history displays for almost 30 years, often portraying a painter, so I am familiar with the texture of late medieval life: the feel of wool and linen, the taste of pottage, [Evil Editor is familiar with the taste of porridge and of potted meat food product. I hope pottage tastes better than those, whatever it is.] and the labor of grinding pigments.

SASE is enclosed. Thank you for your time and consideration.

yours,


Notes

This was actually pretty good. Just address the few serious points made, and the other ones sure to be made by the minions.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mmm, potted meat food product: the fruit of the labor of grinding pigs.

This story sounds like it could be interesting as long as it's not just riding on the coat-tails of the Da Vinci Code. Author: Would you submit your first 150 as an opening? I'd like to be sure you can write...

Evil Editor said...

Author: Would you submit your first 150 as an opening?

The first 150 appears as New Beginning 113.

Dave Fragments said...

The idea is in an a good place, so to speak.
Consider:
a) The Lost Painting: The Quest for a Caravaggio Masterpiece, Jonathan Harr
b) John Berendt's City of Fallen Angels,
c) Out of the Flames, Lawrence and Nancy Goldstone, and
d) An Instance of the Fingerpost , Iain Pears

All good books steeped in history and exotic places.

KV said...

And a darn good opening it was, which was followed by a great continuation!


Kathy

Anonymous said...

I think this looks great. The query makes it clear that it's not Da Vinci Code-ish. It's well thought-out and I like that the author is into historical reenactment because that gives me confidence that he(or she) knows what he is talking about.

Xenith said...

Is mentioning a book is/could be, part of series/has a sequel usually a good idea/bad idea/ depends on the weather?

Anonymous said...

Before I read the query I was planning to say #6 is brilliant and funny. I guess that means I would read this book! Keep up the good work. -JTC

Nancy Beck said...

This was a very good query; sounds quite interesting (yes, this is something I'd like to read!).

I agree with RFP - what's the simple task? Could you give us an idea as to what it is (just a few words will do)?

What's pottage? Is this something the agents you're submitting this to will understand? And your reenacting - are those credits that, again, an agent you're submitting to will necessarily look for? I'm not saying take them out, but just to make sure you understand that not all credits (publishing or otherwise) carry weight.

Good luck, author!

~JerseyGirl

Bernita said...

Please...there's nothing particularly medieval about wool, linen or even pottage.
Try to pick examples more illustrative if re-enactment is your only claim for authority.
Role-playing does not, in itself, confer authenticity,knowledge of the research that authenticates those roles does.

Anonymous said...

GTP--I didn't. I ruled out #6 as obviously not possible-duh. But I'm glad it wasn't #2, not sure why.

Author, this interested me. It reminds me a little of Chasing Vermeer. (Well, only a little.)Although you don't say it's YA, it has that feel (with Children in the title, being 90,000 words. But then the plot shows it's an adult book. So then I'm not too keen on the title, but the story still sounds good.

I also liked your paragraph on your credentials for writing this story. Gives me confidence in it. (Well, having read the comments, perhaps it shouldn't, but it did. Do you know how the Milan dialect differs from its neighbors' and why that might be important?)

Good job. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with radicalfeministpoet, in that I don't think the subtleties of the dialects of the blabbity blah blah would necessarily make your book better or worse.

It could still be a great rip-roaring adventure, or a piece of boring crap either way.

It is not a non-fiction text book for cripes sake.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, even a linguistics fan like myself must admit that the dialect stuff would only be interesting here if the plot hinged on it. Really, folks, it's a query, not a dissertation. Which is why I want to know about the "simple task," which drives the plot -- what is it?
My 8-year-old kid learned about pottage last year in school, by the way. A frequently eaten dish in Colonial America, apparently.

Evil Editor said...

Is mentioning a book is/could be, part of series/has a sequel usually a good idea/bad idea/ depends on the weather?

Fans of cool characters like Sherlock Holmes, Nero Wolfe, Anita Blake, Stephanie Plum, etc. keep coming back for more. So mentioning it won't hurt. On the other hand, it needs to be established that you have a character people will want more of. So if you're selling the first book, it probably won't help. If you're selling the fourth book, and one through three did very well . . . But then, if that's the case, it's your agent selling the book, and not your worry.

HawkOwl said...

I really wanted to read #2. :(

I didn't like this as a New Beginning and I don't like it as a query, but I don't doubt it can sell. Maybe you could focus the query more on Renaissance Italy, which is a vast and fascinating topic, and less on your experience with pottage, which isn't. Also I have to agree that the plot could be outlined more clearly.

Dave Fragments said...

That link on "potted meat food product" is VILE and NASTY.

Just don't read it too soon after a meal or before bed or before you want to cook.

Anonymous said...

I'd read it. And I said so when I read the beginning, too, so I guess you've just hooked me all around.

I don't think Italy is underused as a setting, though. Or maybe that's just because I read in weird circles.

Anonymous said...

I remembered the beginning, mainly because I like books set in Renaissance Italy (plays from which made up a large - and ultimately self-indulgent - portion of my university career).

The query interests me, but, sorry to say, I'd have a hard time staying with the story from the opening, which was pretty but disorganized (need to be clear asap whose head we're in, etc).

My objections have nothing to do with knowledge of Milanese vs Genovese dialect. If an author demonstrates a basic understanding that the Italy of that era was not a unified country in any sense, but a collection of more, or less, powerful city-states all vying for superiority militarily and artistically, I'll give them a 'pass' on the linguistics since most of their readers will not know or care which city-states' dialects had contributed to the written form of troubadour love poetry (and other factoids unneeded for the telling of a good story).

But I'd want to see a more polished and organized opening in order to be convinced the author could write well enough to let their knowledge shine through good storytelling.

(now back to the pressing question of whether I've described the art gallery too fully in Ch. 1, scene 2)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comments! I'm aiming more towards Elizabeth Eyre level than Sarah Dunant, if that helps anyone. And I'd be ecstatic if I could write even half as well as either half of Elizabeth Eyre.

Radical, I'm very sorry to disappoint you, but in fact everyone in the book speaks English. I haven't even written the dialogue with funny spelling to suggest different accents.

Anonymous said...

Radical: I think the point Batgirl was making was that the book is WRITTEN in English. Presumably then, every world within it - including the dialogue - is being 'translated' for us by the author, which means that different dialects in spoken Italian are irrelevant, as they're all going to be translated into English anyway.

Loved the query, loved the New Beginning sample - keep up the good work Batgirl.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, zeezee, I'm glad you can read irony even when it isn't indicated by the typography. But perhaps I'm missing the subtle irony of radical's own portrayal of a humourless feminist?

bernita brings up an interesting point. Though I don't have academic credentials (my degree was in Germanic Lang&Lit, not Italian), should I mention the amount of research I did? I would have thought that went without saying, and only something a little out of the ordinary, like the living history stuff, was worth mentioning. Should I describe the research after all, and if so, how? I'm betting no one wants to see my however-many pages of bibliography!

HawkOwl said...

Just say you did your research. Somewhere in there, add the words "carefully researched." Of course a lot of people would say that and not actually do any research, but it's more to the point than the historical reenactment bit.